Would you be upset if your husband did this?

[9877donna]

Quote:
Originally Posted by $$only4ever
Div,

I have been reading this entire thread. I have not commented before because I have never walked in your shoes, therefore it would not be fair to comment.

What amazes me is that you are the only one working. Why? I am sorry, but he needs to go to work and contribute to the household. It is definitely time for him to grow up and take his responsibilities like a man. There is no "I" in the word team. Then he has the b_lls to act like it is okay to party party with his little friends every Friday. Sorry, but I find that so unacceptable.

I have been married to the same man for over 37 years. He works full time, helps me with the housework and honestly, I can't remember the last time he disappeared for hours to go play with his friends.

Sorry. The man is a loser.

Sorry OP but I fully agree with the above poster.
__________________
Donna

Obviously the OP's hubby doesn't show much responsibility for being a stay at home dad.I do not think stay at home dad's are losers at all.That's fine as long as he shows he is mature and responsible enough to handle the job.If her hubby is coming home drunk and drugged when he knows she has to go to work and he is suppose to be watching four small children then he is shrugging off his responsibilities towards his family.And creating a potentially dangerous situation.That makes a stay at home dad a loser.Like I said in my previous post tell him to 'shape up or ship out'....
I feel really sorry for the OP's situation and hope the best for her and her children.

[$$only4ever]

Again, this has nothing to do with the fact that he is a stay at home daddy. I really feel bad for her. She had to post her personal problems on a bankruptcy forum because she felt that she did not have anyone else to turn to. My comments would have been the same if a husband posted on this site that his wife is a stay at home mom, doesn't step up to her responsilibities and goes out every Friday night drinking and came home Saturday morning too drunk to take care of the kids so he could go to work. Something is very wrong with this problem. Call it anything you want but it is abuse. If she wants to put up with it, that is her choice, but the kids do not have a choice. Again, I feel bad for her but worse for the kids. She needs to work through this and get her life on track before something terrible happens.

[DivorceRuinedMe]

Well, to answer all of you regarding why he's not working....

He told me before we got married that what he would make in salary would only be enough to cover daycare expenses with a little bit left over (like a couple hundred dollars a month). He reasoned with me that it wasn't worth it - that he could take better care of the kids, keep up with the house, cook dinner, take care of the baby in the middle of the night so I could sleep and be my best for work, etc. etc. etc. He sold me as he's a good salesman. I never questioned the numbers, never made him show me how he wouldn't make enough b/c I trusted him.

Fast forward to now -1.) he's not holding up his end of the bargain, 2.) we are struggling financially and 3.) I'm super stressed with the life that I am now living due to numbers 1 and 2.

Earlier this week my Dad contacted me about a business that he was going to start up. He wanted his two son in laws (that are both accomplished salesmen) to go in with him (my husband and my sisters). My brother in law is already on board. It's a big step for my brother in law as they are expecting a baby and they just bought a huge house with an even bigger mortgage. My Dad knows that and would never put my little sister's livelihood in danger so I know it's a sound investment should it end up panning out. It's still in it's infancy and my Dad hasn't even secured the investors yet. Who knows if it will even happen. My Dad just wanted to know if my DH would want to be on board should it happen (which it's probably a good 6months from really happening). The potential to make 30K more than my DH was making at his last job is there. The potential for us to actually be able to make ends meet a little easier is DEFINITELY there.

DH was adamant that he didn't even want to hear about it. He told me that he LOVES his job at home and no amount of money would make him go back to work. That it didn't matter what he had to give up to stay at home with the kids, that's what he wanted. Then I piped in and was like, but what if *I'm* not happy with how we are right now. I don't like to struggle financially and have the weight of all of it on me. I like to be able to actually save some money should a disaster strike (we juts recently dodged a $2400 bullet with the electrical in our house and it scared the bejesus out of me!). I would like to have money to go out to eat, to a movie or to buy the kids that toy they've been eyeing without having to wait till their birthday or Christmas. I want to be able to take the 4 of them to the dentist without cringing when the receptionist tells me how much it's going to be!! I don't think that's too much to want!

DH is steadfast though that he is happy the way things are - he's content to live like we are and no amount of me nagging, whining or asking is going to change the way that he feels. I told him that this wasn't what I signed up for - that the only reason *I* thought he was staying home was b/c we couldn't meet childcare expenses on his salary to make it worth it. I always thought that he would go back to work some day. Who knew my Dad would have this awesome opportunity for him. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose by my DH trying this. So, the kids have to have a babysitter come in to watch them while he works - so what. That's what we were going to do before. I'm not against that but apparently now he is.

Before we met, he had his kids in daycare b/c he had to work. I was like, so just b/c you met me, your life changed. And now I'm not happy in this life and you just want things to stay that same b/c you are! How selfish is that. He says that I just want to make him miserable by having him work b/c *I'm* miserable. And I was like, far from it - I want to better us. I think by us both working, it will alleviate A LOT of our stress. He disagrees. He's happy with the way things are and HOW DARE I rock this boat!

Now granted, my Dad has had a failed business in the past so I can understand my husband's apprehension about joining in on this but there is no risk for us except the risk of having someone else watch the kids. We really don't have anything to lose by him trying it out.

UGH is all that I can say. UGH.

I'm making an appt today for a marriage counselor. I really can't deal with this on my own anymore!

[Minnymouth]

Yes Dear,
Its time for you to talk to the counselor....... and if he objects tell him to go too or shut up.....

No one knows WHY his first marriage failed?? But sounds like he doesn't want to put forth in any "effort" on the the 2nd one either.

Sounds like he's one of the guys that enjoys being "supported"..... he has no responsibilities when it comes to paying the bills.

There are men just like there are women who marry to get supported..... that is really their intention!

Daycare can be good for your kids also. They need to socialize and learn to be around other people.

See that counselor, make you some decisions about your future with this man, as we all can see that you are not happy in this marriage and the way its going.

Your spouse wants to "wear the pants in the family" BUT "not put in money in the pockets of them"!!!

Its a two way street, it takes the effort of both to make a good marriage. I'm sure when you married him it wasn't with the "intent" of supporting him all your life!!

Don't get me wrong, his taking on the responsiblity of taking care of all the kids is a GOOD THING, but there are other responsibilities in the marriage.

Question? When you come in from work, does he have supper cooked? Who runs herd on the kids in the evenings? Or do you become MOM........ because he is "tired" and "wore out"? Is it "wait on him time" for you?

Keep talking to us, vent, get if off your chest, and start making decisions you need to make. Get help whenever you need it.... thru counciling, thru a church, or organization. Talk to your doctor about all the meds he takes and the effect and side effects of them.

Changes are going to have to take place in your marriage BEFORE you are going to be happy, that is evident.

If he's not willing to talk it out, compromise, and understand YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES FOR A BETTER LIFE AND MARRIAGE...... then you definitely have a problem to solve!!

Good luck, keep us posted......

PS.... my nephew (42) marries, then quits his jobs..... and they always end up in divorce. He has been thru several marriages that way already. He vows he will NEVER work as long as he can get a woman to support him.

[JollyGG]

I'm making an appt today for a marriage counselor. I really can't deal with this on my own anymore!

Talking to someone with an unbiased opinion who is trained to help you sort things sounds like a fantastic idea.

[$$only4ever]

Div,

You are in a tough spot. I really hope that everything works out for you. ~~~~Hugs~~~~~~

[Bandit]

DH was adamant that he didn't even want to hear about it. He told me that he LOVES his job at home and no amount of money would make him go back to work. That it didn't matter what he had to give up to stay at home with the kids, that's what he wanted. Then I piped in and was like, but what if *I'm* not happy with how we are right now. I don't like to struggle financially and have the weight of all of it on me. I like to be able to actually save some money should a disaster strike (we juts recently dodged a $2400 bullet with the electrical in our house and it scared the bejesus out of me!). I would like to have money to go out to eat, to a movie or to buy the kids that toy they've been eyeing without having to wait till their birthday or Christmas. I want to be able to take the 4 of them to the dentist without cringing when the receptionist tells me how much it's going to be!! I don't think that's too much to want!

DH is steadfast though that he is happy the way things are - he's content to live like we are and no amount of me nagging, whining or asking is going to change the way that he feels. I told him that this wasn't what I signed up for - that the only reason *I* thought he was staying home was b/c we couldn't meet childcare expenses on his salary to make it worth it. I always thought that he would go back to work some day. Who knew my Dad would have this awesome opportunity for him. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose by my DH trying this. So, the kids have to have a babysitter come in to watch them while he works - so what. That's what we were going to do before. I'm not against that but apparently now he is.

This is a true thing that I am going to say. For some people, once they quit working, they do not ever work again. And why should he work when you are doing it all?
I asked that before, what is going to happen in 5 years when all the kids are at school at the same time & you don't need a stay at home parent?

He gets his space but Do you ever get your night out or time away from all the stress?
Does not sound like it to me.

Now I want to know, what happens in these kinds of deals when/if the mother ever has another child? That is 9 months of carrying the baby in the womb- Good grief-this is one reason that I am not all (always) for the dad staying home as the mother ends up doing it all!

He needs to take that opportunity and work. I could be wrong but you may be stuck with someone who wants a nurse with a purse.

I want to be able to take the 4 of them to the dentist without cringing when the receptionist tells me how much it's going to be!! I don't think that's too much to want!

Why doesn't he know & want that also?
and if you are not careful, all those things are going to happen & it puts people right back where they were prior to BK.

[Bandit]

PS.... my nephew (42) marries, then quits his jobs..... and they always end up in divorce. He has been thru several marriages that way already. He vows he will NEVER work as long as he can get a woman to support him.

How do people get that way?
No motivation? Selfish? Inconsiderate? Mean?...where is my dictionary

[chpxiii]

Div,

Of COURSE he's happy with the way things are now. You are supporting him and he doesn't do jack. He's got it easy. And the fact that he doesn't give 2 cents about you and your feelings and what you want... LOSER.

Sorry. I wouldn't bother with a marriage counselor. Just leave. Like you said, he's not living up to his end of the bargain when clearly his is capable.

I guess maybe I just don't put up with crap in my life.

At anyrate, I'll be thinking of you in what you decide to do. {{{D}}}

[Minnymouth]

Bandit,
My nephew is a product of his Mother's doing....... She also has a daughter that won't work or support herself. Momma pays for everything in their lives and then after they marry (her daughter isn't) their spouse does it.

When my nephew is divorced he goes back home to Momma to get supported.

Sad situation, when Momma is gone neither one of these grown kids will be able to take care of themselves and they have already run thru all the inheritance that their Dad left them.....

No motivation, no goals, just suck everybody's pocketbook and get what you want.

When their Dad was living he would say NO and mom would say YES....
They raised two BUMS.............. WHO expect the BEST of everything out of life...

[Bandit]

Minny,
I have been watching something like that devlope with a neighbor. There is an only child who owns EVERYTHING under the sun...to give you an idea, his dad has bought him 14 mopeds, 7 bicycles, 10 pairs of skates, scooters, trampoline, electric guitars, full drum set, he gets $1,000 at his brthday & another $1,000 at christmas just to spend on massive fireworks. I am talking very expsensive toys & he is now 15 years old. Both parents do work but they do not make millions a year.

The child does not lift a finger to help out or do chores & you could not get him to take out the garbage or push a shovel if both his parents were paralyzed & they paid him to do the chores. HE WILL NOT DO ANY CHORES OR TYPE OF WORK even when asked. he just says, "NO." He might turn out ok because he is smart and gets good grades in school, but there is a real know it all, I have it all attitude & I am not going to do anything for anyone etc. etc.... & it makes me wonder how he is going to cope in a few years when rubber meets road.

He has not begun to learn the value of a dollar & what it takes to have everything under the sun. There is going to be a severe wake up for that boy at some point & either mommy & daddy will do everything or he picks a wife who does everything.

[JollyGG]

Sorry. I wouldn't bother with a marriage counselor. Just leave. Like you said, he's not living up to his end of the bargain when clearly his is capable.

I guess maybe I just don't put up with crap in my life.

At anyrate, I'll be thinking of you in what you decide to do. {{{D}}}

[chpxiii]

My husband understands this commitment and made the same promise.

This is key, Jolly GG.

If my husband refused to work with me on this or if we were just unable to make things work after exhausting all the recourses we had then it would be time to leave. And at that point I could leave without looking back confident that I tried.

This is also key.

I don't disagree with you. It just seems that with what the OP was saying, her husband is refusing to work with her and is refusing to keep his end of the bargain.

I'd be more sympathetic if he was atleast TRYING to work with it. It appears as if he's not and wanting things his way. Further, as has been pointed out, he has a history of disrespect, is teaching that disrespect to his children towards her, and clearly has no intentions of trying to compromise. That's the ONLY reason I said I'd leave. The attitude does not come lightly for me.

Remember, the straw that broke the camel's back has many many many straws underneath it. I'm in a committed long term relationship. We work things out. We compromise. We are committed to *us.* So I'm not about to just dump him over any little infraction. If that were the case, I'd have stopped dating him 1 month in.

In your case, JollyGG, your husband is WILLING to HELP make your marriage work. My partner is WILLING to HELP make our relationship work. Div's husband, according to what she's posted, is UNWILLING to help to make things work. Again, there is a difference.

Willingness. That is SO key. If I were with someone who was UNWILLING, even though I have tried to work things out, well, that's like beating your head against a brick wall. And I'd leave in that case.

[Bandit]

Maybe you don't understand it yet because you have not walked miles in the other persons 'worse' shoes. (?) Just because your marriage is 'better' does not mean everyone elses is.

I could never leave a marriage unless it was physically abusive or someone was unfaithful without at least trying counseling.

I can think of a whole bunch more valid reasons than just those two
Unfortunately we don't all get a Little House on the Prairie or Brady Bunch family, or Cinderella meets Prince Charming happy ever after wedding & counselors also know that.
Reason #3-Someone who refuses to:
a)take a bath,
b)brush their teeth,
c)wash their clothes & bed sheets,
d)wipe their butt
I understand some people enjoy stinky people, but I don't.


The only reason divorce rate is declining these days is because marriage is declining. People have already divorced and/or they wont go thru all the problems again so they only shack up to protect their best interests instead of going thru all the 'white weddings', & lies.

With due respect, JollyGG, Why it is so difficult to address the list of problems themselves?
1) Drinking irresponsibly- that is against the law
2) Not watching after the children, all hungover, when mom is working overtime.
3) No chores to help
4) Does not want to work & appears he is not going to
5) Disrespect coming from his kids

So how would you address those 5 problems to make it better instead of worse if it was your spouse and your baby???. Is your idea of communication where you just make people change by talking or you tell them what to do & they do whatever you say?

Put yourself into HER situations/problems, instead yours & then try to figure it out.

Please don't leave the thread just because we don't agree or have a different approach, because I feel you have a lot of good input & a lot of good hope to offer people in this thread.

[chpxiii]

Please don't leave the thread just because we don't agree or have a different approach, because I feel you have a lot of good input & a lot of good hope to offer people in this thread.

I feel the same too about JollyGG.

JollyGG, I just want to say that I think it's awesome you the relationship you have. Too bad more people don't have what you and I have. There would probably also be much more peace in the world if partners truly worked together as partners.