Dealing with crisis/death

[HeatherB]

Sometimes I feel like a very cold person when it comes to crisis/death.

I wake up this morning and about 10 minutes later I get a call from a friend who says they have bad news. A close friend of mine was in a car accident. Had the tops of his car down and wrapped around a telephone pole. Supposedly he was argueing with his estranged wife. I was told his chances of surviving were slim and he would most likely have brain damage if he did live. He's in ICU. It happened at 3am this morning. I'm assuming he was drinking. Anyways, my friend that called was talking and it sounded like she was crying. She seemed upset. So what is wrong with me?

I don't know if it's just my way of dealing/coping, but I seem to shut off at bad news. I don't get really emotional or anything. I turn into this "matter of fact" type person. I guess I just don't know how to react. Is this common?

[chpxiii]

You could be in shock.

[HRx]

People can deal with crisis/trauma differently...so yes it isn't abnormal to respond the way you did. The key is to just learn how to cope/deal/express crisis/trauma in manner that is healthly, and not self-descructive.

[klux]

I react the same way, my grandpa died August 6th, and I still don't think it has hit me. There is nothing wrong with your reaction.

[$$only4ever]

I am too sensitive. I got an e-mail a few hours ago advising that a co-worker's wife just passed away after a long battle with cancer. She was only 40 something and left 3 kids; the oldest being a young teenager. When I read the e-mail, I felt so bad for the kids that I got teary. Sometimes I wish that I was tougher and not so emotional.

[Bandit]

but I seem to shut off at bad news.

I can do that very easy when it is on TV but when it hits home I am usually a good listener. I just listen & nod and don't say much because I really don't know what to say.

[Bandit]

One thing I do not like are the few who turn everything & every one off as if it does not exist, or like they do not care (the ones so uppyposipissy (is that a word?) that they can't at least acknowledge what is really happening to someone else)... BUT! when problems & death & pain come knocking on their door, they can't take reality & the whole world is supposed to stop for them.

pfft

Pain from others passing on never goes away, it never does. It gets better & heals a lilttle over time, but it is still there.

[LisaM]

Weird...I was just thinking the same thing about myself.

We have had 2 deaths in my family in the last 3 weeks, and I'm not sure I've shed a tear. I was actually thinking about it this morning and was almost ashamed of myself. The rest of my family probably thinks I'm a nut. When I get bad news, I turn into helper mode. I try to help everyone else and make sure necessary things are done.

Reading your post makes me feel a little better. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who reacts this way.

[genseeker]

Sometimes we express our grief by nurturing those around us. I know after my mom passed, I moved in with my dad for 3 months and helped him go through everything, decide what to do with stuff, and move into disabled housing (diabetic). I even took care of him when he had surgery on both arms during that time. We put our own feelings to the side to make life easier for those around us, and nothing wrong with doing that, so long as we take time to acknowledge our own feelings.

[AMISLANDER]

I received news about three weeks ago that my one of my managers that I worked this year's film festival under had been killed in a hit and run motorcycle accident on Sept. 15th. I was in shock first.

Then, I went to the wake and met up with fellow film festival people & it really hit me bad when my co-worker/friend's brother started speaking. Everyone was in a big circle holding hands out on Lido Key. To back up a bit, people came from all across the U.S....probably close to 300 people at this park on a Saturday morning to honor their friend. He was 25 years old. It was incredibly spiritual and made me really start thinking about myself and where I was at in my life. I basically freaked out for the next two weeks and have had a lot of upheaval in my life at the same time. Been running into a lot of people with a lot of things going on. Must be the alingment of the stars/planets is all I can guess, plus we just hit the fall equinox so things are different.

However, I did meet up with a woman from my festival who seems like a nice friend and I guess, sometimes things happen that bring people together who need to be...that kind of thing. I hadn't seen this person since April and I'm always open to nice new people in my life. I don't know, just a lot of weird karma in the air right now.

[robivi3]

My mother died in July, 1969. I think it really hit me one night when i was in the bathtub about a year and a half later and I started crying bad. Things take time.

[Minnymouth]

I've been criticized a lot over the years for my reactions when someone close to me dies. When my parents passed, I never shed a tear and still haven't. Why, I really don't know. My dad was sick for a year, I was relieved when it was over for him. My mom was bedridden from a stroke for 4 years, and I was relieved when the heartattack took her. Their quality of life was gone, they were both bitter about their situations.

One died in 1978 and the other in 2001. They are both missed and thought of just about every day. But I don't dwell on the fact that they are not here anylonger. They are only a "thought away" from me.

I haven't shed a tear in years. But I'm not an insensitive person!
My heart aches for people and what happens to them. I do my best to help them in anyway I can. But to cry, there's been no tears in my life in many, many years.

I've had people tell me I'm the most in-control person during a crisis they have ever met.

I accept life as it is - and the fact that there will be a final day for all of us sooner or later.

They say if you are a "crier" - your tender hearted. But believe me, no one is more tender hearted than I am. I just don't show it..... especially to the public.

I've been called "cold-hearted", "insensitive", and all the names connected with not showing emotions.

Each of us handles crisis and death in different ways. Some cry continously, some laugh nervously, some just stay very quiet. And then there are those that want to hug you and protect you and let you know that their there for you if you need them.

It takes all kinds to make up the world. What one person lacks another makes up for.......

But before we judge someone - it's a shame you can't listen to their mind................

My thoughts.....

[robivi3]

Min, I think that is why i waited so long to grieve my mother. The stress on the family almost made it a relief for all. So odd to say, but so true. My mother was never bitter and held out hope until the end. She was still young. I hope that when I go it is in my sleep and I would love to wake up "on the right side of the railroad tracks". I just want to be old, able to care for myself, with my wife and several nice years with Grandkids.

But I think your first paragraph hit the nail on the head. very well said.

[Bandit]

They are only a "thought away" from me.

I haven't shed a tear in years. But I'm not an insensitive person!
My heart aches for people and what happens to them. I do my best to help them in anyway I can. But to cry, there's been no tears in my life in many, many years.



My thoughts.....

I was like that for most of my life. I did not even want to give or recieve hugs & it did not matter what was happening but the feeling was still there. Then something happened that changed & I began to cry a little more & give real heartfelt hugs. I never knew what a heartfelt hug was until after I gave one. After the one special person passed on I cried for hours & weeks like it was never going to stop when I realized she was never coming back- She gave heartfelt hugs but I did not know it.

I waited for 30 years to hear my dad say he loved me & hug me. I cried then on the front step of the house I grew up in. Never expected it.

[Minnymouth]

Some folks (like me) grew up in homes where "love" was not shown, hugs were very few and far between, and parents showed no love between them. It was fight, scratch, and dog eat dog most of the time.

But that doesn't mean we're insensitve, WE JUST DON'T SHOW IT!!! We're not huggers, smilers, etc. But we feel the same as anyone else - just very "cautious" about showing our affections!!

I'm an old woman now and I still find it hard to accept someone putting their arms around me and giving me a hug.... it just seems too close and too personal..... Even my closet lifetime friends say that when they hug me - they can feel me tense up.....

Strange how your up-bringing can affect you all thru your life....