Experiencing Marriage problems after BK filing???

[dbleblanc]

We have completed all the required paper work and expect to sign by the end of the week. My husband and I are having some serious marriage problems. Well, it did not help that our car broke down the day after the paperwork was done and now it is all my fault???? How is the car braking down all my fault? Well he is obviously putting blame the first place that comes to mind which would be me. Well we also have a lawsuit to deal with so he had better keep his temper under control during this BK filing. Or else we will have a big problem.

Any BK filers out there that went through some marriage problems? How do I fix this?

[Pinktiger]

OH, Goodness yes. I filed alone and I couldn't talk to him about it at all.
He told me several times that "nobody had better come after me for a dime," etc. There were times I hated him. But now, a year later, we get along great. He can't believe I was able to get out from under crushing debt of $70,000, while keeping my car, our house, and nobody touching his personal property.
The debt, in our case, was a combination of medical debts, using the credit cards while laid off from work, and for living expenses when underpaid at my job.
This week I received a huge raise at my work -- a 33 percent increase -- I was shocked -- so things are looking up.
Don't give up on your marriage. It will be OK.

[bkbiker]

Hi,

I like the idea of making the marriage work, I think couples throw in the white towel to soon; sometimes, if your physical or mental health is in jeopardy than maybe it would be best.

I am mostly replying about the forth coming law suit you have, is this suit against you? If it is, do you have a chance of losing and having a large judgment against you? If so and if possible, I would wait on filing bankruptcy until the court case is over, than you could include the judgment in the bankruptcy assuming it is a dischargeable.

Take care,
Bkbiker,

[lrprn]

Any BK filers out there that went through some marriage problems? How do I fix this?

Our journey to file Ch 13 has had some big ups and downs as a couple over the last year and a half. (Warning: this is a long post - I'm releasing some pent up emotions here! )

First hurdle - husband was the "family financial captain" since we were married 27 years ago. Out of pride and fear he chose to keep our financial problems from me, so when I finally did begin to figure out that our situation was much, much worse than he was telling me, we fought almost every time we spoke to each other for six months as I tried repeatedly to get accurate financial information from him about what we actually owed and to who while he found every excuse in the book to put off telling me.

Second hurdle - getting husband to admit we in serious trouble and to agree to credit counseling so I could finally find out exactly what we did owe and to who (took three more months - more fighting)

Third hurdle - getting husband to admit after four months that even with credit counseling we were still sinking fast and we now needed to meet with a few bk lawyers to discuss if we should file (took three more months - LOTS more fighting - we were barely civil to each other during this period)

Fourth hurdle: After I was finally was able to cobble together a solid incomes vs expenses spreadsheet which proved we couldn't EVER get out of debt without winning the lottery, he finally grudingly agreed to go see the bk lawyers with me. After hearing three bk specialists tell us we would NEVER be able to get out of the deep hole we were in, he finallly admitted we needed to file.

For most of the last year I was so angry with my husband and hurt by what he had done that it was hard to have even a civil conversation. After we made the bk decision and began to prepare for what was coming, I figured I either needed to forgive him or leave him. After several serious talks when we both shared honestly how we felt, hubby finally took responsibility for the poor decisions he made that led to our bankruptcy and apologized to me. I realized that people do make mistakes and the bottom line is after 27 years if I ignore the finance mess, I'm still crazy about him, so I forgave him. I'm in charge of keeping track of all our finances now, and we sit down together at least once a week to add in expenses against our bi-weekly budget and discuss bill paying together.

Nowadays we have a lot more good days than bad. Hubby always thinks everything is going to turn out great while I hope for the best but plan for the worst - that triggers most of our fights these days. Since we had confirmation problems crop up after our 341 meeting last week, things are very stressful right now but the good news is that we're tackling them as a team instead of blaming each other.

Hang in there, dbleblank. Bankruptcy is *very* stressful - it emphasizes the differences around how you each handle stress and money issues. It doesn't help that you are both within-easy-reach substitutes to dump on at the drop of a hat when stress and anger overwhelm. My best advice - make a promise to always be honest with each other and remember that this is not the time to be right - it's the time to put your differences aside and pull together. Where there's love and mutual respect, I believe there's always a chance to make things better.