Those who have filed bankruptcy....question about who finds out about your case

[momindebt]

I know we shouldn't care but I do.... We have filed so in the end it is what it is but I am curious. A new way of phrasing the question: If you have filed chapter 13 bankruptcy in a small town AND were trying to keep your bankruptcy as discrete as possible, how many of you were actually successful at keeping it a secret? If not, how do you handle it when friends or family you had no intention of disclosing it to mention it? I don't feel like getting into my financial situation with them...

[Memphisbelle]

Bump, I am wondering what my friends are going to think when I all of a sudden I stop complaining about not having money and now do have a disposable income to spend with them again. In moderation of course.

Also, it is so errie in a way to have no one to talk to about this. I realized that the first time I even said the word bankruptcy out loud was at an attorneys office. I am pretty much a big blabber mouth with my friends cause I've never had anything to really hide. Sooooo strange to be living in this vacuum. Bankruptcy....there, I just said it out loud again LOL.

Anybody else out there who is single and is going thru this? I love this site to give a voice to this ordeal. Thanks everybody who contributes and helps me not feel so alone. I'll keep you posted on my journey.

[RichM]

Caring too much about what other people think, when what they think doesn't affect you in any substantial way, is pathological. It's basically a control / anxiety issue: You want to control their minds, and you become anxiety-ridden when you can't. This is very unhealthy and stressful -- for you -- so you really need to get over it. Seriously.

Here's the reality: In a small town, whether or not your BK is published in the paper, chances are that before long most people will know about it. That's just the way small towns are. I lived in one for a while. I couldn't break wind without the "neighbors" on the other side of the mountain knowing about it by the next day.

But here's the good news: Very few people will give a rat's ass. Seriously.

The exception will be people who like you. They'll care because they care about you. When they find out, they will either say something kind to you and offer their support, or else they'll spontaneously start bringing gifts of food around for no apparent reason. Potato salad and deviled eggs seem especially popular, although cold cut platters are making a comeback. "These are leftovers from a party we went to last night," they'll say, "Would you please take them? It would be a sin to let them go bad, and it's waaaaay too much for me and Albert to finish by ourselves."

Those neighbors who also filed BK may actually reach out to you more directly, starting their conversations with something like, "You know, we filed bankruptcy, too, about six years ago. I just want to let you know it's not the end of the world, and that we're here for you."

As for the rest, truly, who gives a rat's ass what they think? I'm very well-known in my little corner of Queens. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows me. And they all know I filed for bankruptcy. You know why? Because I told them. No, I didn't go out of my way to publicize it. But when the shitty economy came up in our streetcorner conversations, I said, "Yeah, I had to file for bankruptcy, it's getting so bad."

Wouldn't you know it: As soon as I said that, other people would chime in saying they'd filed, too. The auto parts guy down the street, the pizzamaker around the corner, even my upstairs neighbor the paramedic. These are tough times. A lot of people are filing. And unlike past eras, this time around most people who file were not irresponsible about their finances. Who knew the bottom would fall out of the economy like it has?

So stop worrying about it. Those who know and care about you will be supportive, and those who don't won't give a shit. There's no need for you to fret about what other people think. That's just a desire for mind control, and it will make you very unhappy if you persist in it.

-Rich

EDIT: "Cold cuts" are what people outside of New York City usually call "luncheon meats." Just saying.

[Memphisbelle]

Thanks Rich, that was very helpful to hear. I imagine telling my friends SOMEDAY cause I am such a blabber mouth. I know my neighbor across the street filed yrs ago cause he told me. I think I am just getting used to the idea myself.

[Panacea]

Well put Rich, and quite to the point! haha! I still worry about who knows or may find out at times. But I'm finding myself opening up more and more. In the beginning of this BK, I was quite ashamed and embarrassed. But since its been going on, I'm becoming stronger, and realizing that it was the right thing to do.

I'm no longer running around like a crazed maniac trying to keep up with these payments, and still not being able to do it. That feeling of doom which enveloped me when bill time would come, or I had to purchase something, is gone. The shame of filing has subsided. Now, I'm halfway done, and ALL those feelings are gone which is a blessing, and I actually see a different future. Something I haven't felt for many years. If my "friends" don't understand or think less of me, I don't care. If for now, they are talking about my "failures", it will be replaced by something or someone elses misfortune soon enough (if not their own).

The few I have told, ALL know at the least one person who has BK'd. Or maybe someone who has or is going through forclosure. If not two or three. I'm almost beginning to believe we all think filing BK is "taboo", because NO ONE talks about it, when its everywhere today

[momindebt]

Caring too much about what other people think, when what they think doesn't affect you in any substantial way, is pathological. It's basically a control / anxiety issue: You want to control their minds, and you become anxiety-ridden when you can't. This is very unhealthy and stressful -- for you -- so you really need to get over it. Seriously.

I am not anxiety ridden. Now is my desire to keep our bankruptcy privite pathological. I understand that people may find out and that I have little control over that. I'm okay with that. My question was simple, and I do not think I deserve to be judged by anyone. What I was asking for is what similar people, who feel the same way about keeping their bankruptcy private, who lived in a smaller town, experienced. Thanks to those who actually answered my question and didn't make judgemental comments. Geesh.

[RichM]

I am not anxiety ridden. Now is my desire to keep our bankruptcy privite pathological. I understand that people may find out and that I have little control over that. I'm okay with that. My question was simple, and I do not think I deserve to be judged by anyone. What I was asking for is what similar people, who feel the same way about keeping their bankruptcy private, who lived in a smaller town, experienced. Thanks to those who actually answered my question and didn't make judgemental comments. Geesh.

Oh well, can't please everyone. Glad you found your answer.

-Rich

[momindebt]

Oh well, can't please everyone. Glad you found your answer.

-Rich

No harm meant. This whole process is wrought with stress. We'll all experience this process differently. I certainly do appreciate your comments about the deli platters, etc., just not the judgements. Some people care. That is neither right or wrong. : )