Bankruptcy is just the beginning

[facingfuture]

I check into this forum at least once a day - but not because I have any technical expertise to offer anyone or because I have any questions about my actual bankruptcy that I think someone can answer. The bankruptcy is what it is - I'm in the "60 day club" just waiting (I do have to file my taxes - but otherwise I hope it's just waiting until March 22).

I check in mostly hoping to find something to inspire me to move beyond the bankruptcy - I closed my business and it was the only reason I moved to this city. With the business gone so are all of my social contacts and "friends". I have half-heartedly looked for employment (I am well-educated with a long career in administration before the 2 year business) - but the bottom line is that I just feel really bad about myself and I have a long-standing issue with procrastination. I do laugh a little at the posts about extreme paranoid thinking, but I'm somewhat prone to that myself - so it's not completely funny. I guess I'm just sure people can tell I'm no longer "successful" financially and so I'm isolated. Now that the almost daily crisis of closing a business and filing bankruptcy is over, I'm just stuck. I have always relied on money (and credit) to deal emotionally - I was mostly addicted to traveling and just being able to pick up and go visit friends and family if I wanted to - and now that I don't have money (or credit) - I don't have these methods of coping emotionally. Can anyone else relate or share their story?

[ToughTimes]

facingfuture,

I think there are many people who are experiencing profound life changes coincident with their bankruptcy. In many cases, the cause of the BK is something that has materially changed the course of their lives.

We were heavily invested emotionally (as well as financially) in the welfare of DH's son, age 15, who has proven to be either a psychopath or sociopath, but not before we were bankrupt. He was what I had been spending most of my time on.

One revealing exercise is to take a paper plate and pie chart how you have spent your time. Between the lines, I "hear" that huge pieces of your pie chart will have been spent on business and/or travel. To feel better, that time must now be filled in ways that nourish your esteem, soul, spirit, whatever you want to call it.

We are focusing hard on setting ourselves up to NOT fail in the future. The first step in that according to any personal finance plan I've ever read is 3-6 months expenses in savings. I refuse to look past that to other things financial. That savings cushion is the first step in anything that could possibly be considered financial freedom.

I can fill a fair amount of time finding ways to cut expenses to add to that savings. (I sew and can sew clothing, for example. I cook and can cook frugally and healthily. I use what we have and am refusing to buy the faster, easier, new-and-improved way of doing this or that cleaning task or other general household task.)

As far as gaining employment, I'd try to break it down into small steps and set goals for those steps. I'd start with having at least one super interview outfit that I can slip on at a moment's notice. Then I'd make sure I look presentable even when just at the grocery; one never knows who one may meet while out on errands. Update resume goes without saying, I'd hope. Then, from having watched my DH, Mr. Discipline; choose a number and apply for that many jobs each and every day. DH usually applies to three daily when he's hunting. He prints out the job offer and notes the date he applied and what all he sent to apply, attaching the cover letter if he sent one, as well as his resume if he's put a special spin on it for that particular job application.

I have some isolation due to having moved a few times too many, as well as due to not having a large family. (Three generations of only children do not a large family make.) I am blessed to have world-class friends, though none of them live near enough by for me to visit them physically without calling it travel.

In addition, when we moved back here we became a one vehicle household, so I can only go where I can walk while DH is at work. I spend time in this (bkforum) community, quietly. There are other types of forums online that can afford one some sense of community, too, in almost any area of interest in one's life. I need to lose weight after quitting smoking, for example. If you do have a vehicle, you can take advantage of adult classes at reasonable cost through your local Parks & Recreation Dept., or your local Adult Education. (We even got a brochure on Adult Ed when we were living extremely rural in OH.) Local papers often print meeting information for local clubs/groups for various sorts of special interests; bird watching, horticulture, etc.

The way to get UN-isolated is to take a class and/or join a club or group. Right now I'm keeping in touch by phone with long time dear friends and working on our savings. When we get a second vehicle, I'll join the local quilt guild and that, for me, will be instant fellowship.

If none of this appeals to you, I'd strenuously recommend you find an area, ANY area, where you can do volunteer work. You do not have to personally save all of Haiti; in my county right now I see one opportunity that is just to spend 1-3 hours, 1x monthly (or more) with a veteran in an extended care facility, just listening to his/her stories. No special skills required for many of the opportunities I see, free training for some others. I am absolutely convinced that helping others is the path out of grief, the path out of depression (for those of us who are feeling "down" with good reason; clinical depression is a different animal).

Set goals; put them in writing; assign them deadlines; write down prior to each day what you will do the next day as steps to goals. Check them off (or paste gold stars on them) as you do those steps each day. Give yourself (affordable) rewards for steps completed. All conventional advice, and all also the only things I've found I can do to avoid procrastinating my life away.

[facingfuture]

ToughTimes

Thank you so much for your generous response - I plan to re-read it several times and really take your advice. You sound very grounded and I can see why you have long-lasting, cherished friends. I have burned many bridges with people in the past and that is something I would like to change in myself. I seem to move from one time in my life to another and cut ties with the past in the process - I don't know why I've done this, but it's been very harmful. The only relationship "threads" in my life right now are with one sister and my two daughters and through the events of the past two years and the bankruptcy I've arrived at a place where I don't really feel like I have anything to give them - mostly because a lot of what I've given before involved money! I really want to grow (and pull myself together) before I exhaust those relationships.

You have really helped me - thank you!