Some of you may remember this thread I posted back in February. A response I posted in a different thread is prompting me to revisit this issue.
When should I tell the truth?
I filed for CH7 BK back in February and, at that time, I had been dating my boyfriend for two months. I made the decision to not tell him about my BK, at least at that point in time. We were still getting to know each other and the timing just didn't seem right. I had no idea where the relationship would go, if anywhere, and it just seemed too soon. Since then, I was discharged back in July and my case was closed.
Fast forward to today: in six weeks we will be dating for one full year. I can't say that I'm surprised that it has worked out so well and that we work together so well. It's been absolutely wonderful. He is an amazing man, an incredible father, and I am truly blessed to have him and his two kids in my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and build a life and family together with him and his kids.
BUT... I still haven't told him and it's time. If I wait much longer, he's going to feel betrayed and he might even wonder if there are more things that I have kept from him. We have discussed marriage but aren't engaged and haven't established a time line to get married. We have not formally discussed finances yet. We have had some general financial discussions but nothing in detail. You know, "I make xxxx amount of money each year; I have xxx amount of money in the bank; I have xxx amount in my retirement account; and xxxx amount of debt." That hasn't happened. He did tell me that he has a first and second mortgage on his house and the amount that he owes, but that's about as detailed as we've gotten.
Do I hold off and tell him when we finally have *the finance* talk. Or, do I wait and tell him when we have a serious talk about getting married - serious, as in discussing an engagement? Or, do I just spill it at the next appropriate time?
More than anything, I am afraid that he will be disappointed in me and think I am irresponsible. There was a lot that went into my decision to file BK and it had everything to do with my divorce that was finalized just months before I filed. As much as I hated coming to the decision that I had to file, it was the financially responsible thing to do. I was forced into the position I found myself in and I had no other options.
What do you think? When do I do this and how do you think he'll react? Have I waited too long? Is it going to be a dealbreaker?
ETA: The other night I was talking to him about the QDRO that has *finally* been entered in my divorce case. In the next couple weeks, I will be getting half of my ex's 401k and because I'm receiving the transfer through a QDRO I have the option of cashing out my portion without having to pay an early withdrawal penalty (I'd still have to pay income taxes, obviously). I mentioned this to him and he didn't say much. A couple days later he asked if I made a decision and I told him I was still thinking about it. He said, "You could use that money for a down payment on a house..." I thought to myself, "Uhm. Not really." BUT... I really don't want my own house and I told him that. As I single woman, I don't need to worry about upkeep, lawn mowing, snow removal, taxes, maintenance, etc. That's what I said and that's the truth. But, looking back, it might have been a good opportunity to drop the bomb.
When should I tell the truth?
I filed for CH7 BK back in February and, at that time, I had been dating my boyfriend for two months. I made the decision to not tell him about my BK, at least at that point in time. We were still getting to know each other and the timing just didn't seem right. I had no idea where the relationship would go, if anywhere, and it just seemed too soon. Since then, I was discharged back in July and my case was closed.
Fast forward to today: in six weeks we will be dating for one full year. I can't say that I'm surprised that it has worked out so well and that we work together so well. It's been absolutely wonderful. He is an amazing man, an incredible father, and I am truly blessed to have him and his two kids in my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and build a life and family together with him and his kids.
BUT... I still haven't told him and it's time. If I wait much longer, he's going to feel betrayed and he might even wonder if there are more things that I have kept from him. We have discussed marriage but aren't engaged and haven't established a time line to get married. We have not formally discussed finances yet. We have had some general financial discussions but nothing in detail. You know, "I make xxxx amount of money each year; I have xxx amount of money in the bank; I have xxx amount in my retirement account; and xxxx amount of debt." That hasn't happened. He did tell me that he has a first and second mortgage on his house and the amount that he owes, but that's about as detailed as we've gotten.
Do I hold off and tell him when we finally have *the finance* talk. Or, do I wait and tell him when we have a serious talk about getting married - serious, as in discussing an engagement? Or, do I just spill it at the next appropriate time?
More than anything, I am afraid that he will be disappointed in me and think I am irresponsible. There was a lot that went into my decision to file BK and it had everything to do with my divorce that was finalized just months before I filed. As much as I hated coming to the decision that I had to file, it was the financially responsible thing to do. I was forced into the position I found myself in and I had no other options.
What do you think? When do I do this and how do you think he'll react? Have I waited too long? Is it going to be a dealbreaker?
ETA: The other night I was talking to him about the QDRO that has *finally* been entered in my divorce case. In the next couple weeks, I will be getting half of my ex's 401k and because I'm receiving the transfer through a QDRO I have the option of cashing out my portion without having to pay an early withdrawal penalty (I'd still have to pay income taxes, obviously). I mentioned this to him and he didn't say much. A couple days later he asked if I made a decision and I told him I was still thinking about it. He said, "You could use that money for a down payment on a house..." I thought to myself, "Uhm. Not really." BUT... I really don't want my own house and I told him that. As I single woman, I don't need to worry about upkeep, lawn mowing, snow removal, taxes, maintenance, etc. That's what I said and that's the truth. But, looking back, it might have been a good opportunity to drop the bomb.
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