Daily Arguments About Finances

[Frogge]

I think I've been secretly losing it the past few weeks although I've been trying to pretend I'm OK. I'm sure I'm not alone in this problem, but I don't want to cause irreparable damage to my marriage and family.

I am a planner, an over-thinker. I have to know the outcome of something and have a hard time with the unknown. I worry about terrible things that may never happen and try to figure out what possible scenarios will play out upon what outcome. I see this as 'planning'. LOL We have an attorney who is currently working through a deed-in-lieu on our old home, so we have to WAIT for this outcome before considering -- even THINKING about -- our BK options. The waiting is sucking the life outta me.

DH depends on me to make the budget work, and I have admittedly failed.. I wanted all the control and screwed it up because we were in a hole and I couldn't admit it, and was too scared to tell him he couldn't buy this or that. I couldn't figure out how to juggle everything, and looking back on what decisions we've BOTH made in the past 2-3 years, it would have been impossible to get out of the hole anyway. In reality, we should have filed BK a couple years ago but I thought that meant failing & I really thought I could fix it.

DH and I are arguing just about every day. Mostly the arguing begins by me mentioning something new I learned about what we can or can't do to prepare for BK, DH giving his idea, and me telling him he doesn't know anything, I'VE been researching, NOT you,... I KNOW what I'm talking about, etc.. it escalates from there. He told me last night that I needed a therapist - someone to talk to outside the situation. Probably not a bad idea, but I would probably end up arguing BK law with him or her.. LOL

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for feedback on my obsessive and obviously destructive fear. I need to let my attorney do his job and stop pancking, it's just SO hard. How do you keep your sanity through all this?

Anyway, this board is great -- I think I'd be a basket case if I didn't have all the great info and people here.. Thanks for reading.

[Help!]

Wow, if I get started replying to this one it's going to be a few pages long. BK is so hard on a marriage and you are most definitely not alone. I don't think your fear is destructive, in fact, it's leading you to search, to learn and to strategize... it's constructive. If I let my attorney do his job, we would have been dismissed the week we filed, seriously. The entire BK process fell on my shoulders and at times I have been really resentful, angry, confrontational... but there really was nothing DH could do other than go to work each day and try to focus on his job. It just seems really unfair and some days I would wake up and ask, "Why do I always get the sh!t jobs around here?!"

It will be strange living without debt - it has been the third member of our 13 year marriage... always causing us grief, pitting us against each other, causing fear, despair, hopelessness and forcing us into decisions neither of us wanted to make. Was it the cause of problems in our marriage, or the symptom? Probably a combination of both. I am looking forward to relaxing, laughing, smiling, and actually having fun again (on a budget, of course). You're in this together and when you come out of it together, things can only get better.

[KKAB]

Bankruptcy was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. My husband worked his b*tt off and we still couldn't pay monthly bills- the went onto cc's. Now that we have filed (and I work part time) we are finally getting along better and I am getting a good nights sleep for the first time in years. BK is a hard decision, but if it's unavoidable then it is the best one. My hubby was totally against it at first, but has nothing negative to say now- might be because we actually have $$ to persue hobbies!

[BKSorrow]

I must admit I too am "losing it". Although didn't and still do not control the finances this entire situation is really taking a strain on me. We filed in April and are now scheduled for our 3rd trustee meeting. I too in fear of upsetting my our marriage and our family have pretty much kept my fears and emotions to myself. When I was first made aware of our financial problems and that we may lose our house I went into a kind of depression and would break down in tears from time to time. I wasn't sad about material losses but more in fear of big change and also felt bad for my husband. I didn't want him to feel responsible so I my chin up and smiled. After deciding to file for CH7 I felt a kind of relief, I felt like now we'll do what we have to do and move on and to a smaller house and more humble beginnings.

Now with all the extra questions and the delays and not to mention the extremely tough trustee I am at my wits ends. I feel frustrated at my husband for not being better prepared and and quietly trying to take more control of things. My biggest fear is upsetting our marriage at this point. The only thing that's held me together so far is the fact that I honestly believe that our family is alot happier than most people with lots of money and no financial problems.

I don't know how to balance marital happiness and my frustration and hopelessness.

[AngelinaCat]

BKSorrow: *Huggs* to you!

[Frogge]

I must admit I too am "losing it". Although didn't and still do not control the finances this entire situation is really taking a strain on me. We filed in April and are now scheduled for our 3rd trustee meeting. I too in fear of upsetting my our marriage and our family have pretty much kept my fears and emotions to myself. When I was first made aware of our financial problems and that we may lose our house I went into a kind of depression and would break down in tears from time to time. I wasn't sad about material losses but more in fear of big change and also felt bad for my husband. I didn't want him to feel responsible so I my chin up and smiled. After deciding to file for CH7 I felt a kind of relief, I felt like now we'll do what we have to do and move on and to a smaller house and more humble beginnings.

Now with all the extra questions and the delays and not to mention the extremely tough trustee I am at my wits ends. I feel frustrated at my husband for not being better prepared and and quietly trying to take more control of things. My biggest fear is upsetting our marriage at this point. The only thing that's held me together so far is the fact that I honestly believe that our family is alot happier than most people with lots of money and no financial problems.

I don't know how to balance marital happiness and my frustration and hopelessness.

BKSorrow, I have read your posts and I really feel for you and what you're going through as well. I really understand feeling frustrated with your husband, I love mine very much but there's such a resentment that comes out of nowhere sometimes! I think we'll all get through this.. you & I both are in a 'limbo' right now and that, to me, is the hardest thing ever!

[liz417]

Frogge,

I know this can be hard on a marriage, hang in there and BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!

[AngelinaCat]

I'm sorry. I missed the hostess of this thread. Ms Frogge, BIG *HUGGS* to you!

[BigJohn]

To us, being in credit card debt is the worst. Especially the part where you steal from Peter to pay Paul.

[BKSorrow]

BKSorrow, I have read your posts and I really feel for you and what you're going through as well. I really understand feeling frustrated with your husband, I love mine very much but there's such a resentment that comes out of nowhere sometimes! I think we'll all get through this.. you & I both are in a 'limbo' right now and that, to me, is the hardest thing ever!

This forum is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Although our situations all vary at least we are on one big boat. Here I can discuss things that I can't discuss with my family or even my friends. I know in today's society BK is more common but people who unfamiliar with how the system works put a negative stigma on it.

Thanks for your support!

[AngelinaCatHub]

[justplaintired]

I think I've been secretly losing it the past few weeks although I've been trying to pretend I'm OK. I'm sure I'm not alone in this problem, but I don't want to cause irreparable damage to my marriage and family.

I am a planner, an over-thinker. I have to know the outcome of something and have a hard time with the unknown. I worry about terrible things that may never happen and try to figure out what possible scenarios will play out upon what outcome. I see this as 'planning'. LOL We have an attorney who is currently working through a deed-in-lieu on our old home, so we have to WAIT for this outcome before considering -- even THINKING about -- our BK options. The waiting is sucking the life outta me.

DH depends on me to make the budget work, and I have admittedly failed.. I wanted all the control and screwed it up because we were in a hole and I couldn't admit it, and was too scared to tell him he couldn't buy this or that. I couldn't figure out how to juggle everything, and looking back on what decisions we've BOTH made in the past 2-3 years, it would have been impossible to get out of the hole anyway. In reality, we should have filed BK a couple years ago but I thought that meant failing & I really thought I could fix it.

DH and I are arguing just about every day. Mostly the arguing begins by me mentioning something new I learned about what we can or can't do to prepare for BK, DH giving his idea, and me telling him he doesn't know anything, I'VE been researching, NOT you,... I KNOW what I'm talking about, etc.. it escalates from there. He told me last night that I needed a therapist - someone to talk to outside the situation. Probably not a bad idea, but I would probably end up arguing BK law with him or her.. LOL

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for feedback on my obsessive and obviously destructive fear. I need to let my attorney do his job and stop pancking, it's just SO hard. How do you keep your sanity through all this?

Anyway, this board is great -- I think I'd be a basket case if I didn't have all the great info and people here.. Thanks for reading.

This is my story. Your story is mine. I keep thinking when I read your story, how much we share. I do see one difference, I started this process awhile back. Some of your emotions will pass or will atleast ease a bit. The nervousness will settle a bit.

This forum will help you more then you will ever believe. It will settle your fears of the unknown world of BK, you won't feel alone. I felt so alone most of the time, DH didn't want to talk about it. Then I found this forum. Other people like me who simply needed a friend or a question answered.

I also lived in fear of upsetting my DH so I never mentioned how broke we were. I just charged it. That way we didn't fight. I totally know how you feel. It's hard being in this type relationship. I honestly think counseling would help, but the chances of getting my DH in counseling won't ever happen. His Mom says he's fine, she doesn't believe in counseling. She has 3 kids all on anti anxiety meds if that tells you anything and my DH is the most normal. That's another story and we won't go there. Sorry for straying there.

Anyway, hang in there. To say it's hard emotionally is an understatement, but believe me when I say, you will calm down, you will think of other things, you will enjoy life again. My DH doesn't really like to talk about it either. That's why I come here. I know more about BK then he ever will. I will have to prep him before the 341. It would do me no good to try and get him on here, he doesn't see any point in that. My DH isn't a big talker about anything I feel is important, if it's not important to him, it's simply not important. He can talk cars, fishing, work, but when it comes to things that matter he is not there. So I come on this forum. I find others who share my problems, my fears.

I hope you will find peace on here. It's helped me so much. When this is behind me, I will always be thankful for the day I stumbled across BKform. It gave me a place to go when I was worried. It gave me a place that made me feel like I was never alone.

[JRScott]

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

Perhaps you can get your husband to visit the site and read some of the details himself, perhaps that would help?

[crazycat]

Depression & Anxiety Over BK

....Everyone at One time or another has money issues and 2 million persons file bankruptcy yearly...major Corporations are bankrupt and have the government bail them out...What makes a common practice so sad and lonely is that no One wants to really acknowledge that Our materialism is a social ill thats needs as much address as does drug abuse & alcoholism.

...Most couples today allow either One or The Other spouse to "control" the money which is the catalyst for these earlier disasters discussed here. There is no problem with One spouse writing the checks and paying the bills but they must be in constant communication with their spouse about the money issues, etc. If One spouse is afraid or cannot communicate then the seeds for real problems are planted.

...Those couples who keep both spouses informed have a better time of surviving BK than those who keep their finances secret or who have been afraid of speaking up.After years of such behavior, no wonder that the "Bill Payers" now spearheading the BK are depressed as they feel either incompetent or to blame...

...I know that those forum Posters who have worried and worked hard to prevent this but now who cannot sleep or find happiness need the support of their spouse (and this Forum). I might kindly suggest to bring other family members in, your church clergy or at the very least obtain some kind counseling from experienced professionals. BK is a hard time but you have faced the hard issues and You now have a plan. You may think everyone else that you see daily is just "doing wonderful" but all people are wrestling with some perceived or real major issues. The difference between the survivors and those that wilt is the understanding of what truly is important in life and that this situation is merely temporary. It is difficult & uncomfortable. But Only think of the Positive Life Changes it will afford. Do not dwell on the issues out of your control...

[danaf]

Lucky are those people that can hire a lawyer, never ask questions, blindly sign the paperwork, never have a care in the world, and get successfully discharged. I'm not one of those people which is mainly why I filed pro-se (but it was a very simple no asset 7).

You & your husband need to be on the same page (as much as possible anyway). Finances can make or break a marriage. I have issues with my husband as well so I understand the stress. He is very nonchalant about the finances and I worry & plan.

What is yours saying exactly that is pushing your buttons? Can you give examples?