"OBEY" in wedding vows...

[tinroofrusted]

Ok, here's the deal.
J and I are fighting now over whether or not to use the word "obey" in our wedding vows.

We were both raised in Christian homes, and believe in all the "wives submit to your husbands" but I am really having a hard time with "obey." To me, making someone or something OBEY, is what you do to your dog. My dog obeys me....

I would be totally cool with "I vow to submit to you," because I feel that is Biblical, but I just don't know that I could say "obey." It sounds degrading to me.....

[WhenThePawn]

I didn't realize Christianity and "vow to submit" or "obey" went hand in hand. I'm Catholic and I didn't think twice about it when I took out any reference like that immediately and replaced it with "respect."

Like you, I think it's degrading. I take major offense to that type of phrasing. If you're uncomfortable with it, replace it with something that you both approve of.

Better yet, write your own vows! It's fun, meaningful, and unique! Good luck!

[Bobby'sGirl]

Dig out that dictionary and thesaurus!

My daughter and her fiance intend to launch their married life next year with a full partnership, and they feel she has as much say in their life together as he does. They have chosen to include FOR BOTH of them in their vows:
I will bend to your needs

No "obey" for either of them. In my marriage in 1971 our minister (Lutheran)was the one to suggest that "obey" came from a biblical patriarchal mindset, and he suggested it not be put in my vows, or for my husband to include it in his as well. So my hubbie and I both used it. But I like my daughter and her fiance's choice.

Or go ahead and use obey, since you intend to submit to your husband re: your religious interpretations, but decide together what his interpretation of the word will be....and what he expects "obey" to mean in your life together.

[debtisbad]

Some women are ok with "obey". I am not one of those women. It is an individual thing with each person as to what they want in their wedding vows. Hence, the reason so many write their own. Personally, my inlaws have about destroyed my marriage, so be careful with your new ones. I just learned to give in and let them do what ever they want because they are going to anyway! It is much different when you add children into the equation. It shouldn't be but it is! Make sure that you agree one hundred percent on your childrearing tactics, should you have kids. If you do not agree, make sure you move 1,000 miles away. That did not work for me. They sold their house and moved 1,000 miles also!!!!!!!!!

[FilingOnMyOwn]

Ok, here's the deal.
J and I are fighting now over whether or not to use the word "obey" in our wedding vows.

We were both raised in Christian homes, and believe in all the "wives submit to your husbands" but I am really having a hard time with "obey." To me, making someone or something OBEY, is what you do to your dog. My dog obeys me....

I would be totally cool with "I vow to submit to you," because I feel that is Biblical, but I just don't know that I could say "obey." It sounds degrading to me.....

Its funny, my 80 year old great aunt used to talk about that in church, and the problem she had with it. And she had been married her entire adult life! It really comes down to the old school vows being outdated and misinterpreted in modern life. It usually ends up that the guy obeys the woman!

[lrprn]

If you end up required to have "obey" in your vows due to your minister's or family's pressure, then add "obey" to J's vows too. Seems only fair.

Like most of the women here, I find it silly in this day and age that only the woman has to "obey". Like WhenThePawn suggests, my husband and I wrote our own wedding vows 27 years ago - not a single "obey" to be heard on either side.

[robivi3]

Never thought about it. However in times previous, no electricity, rural farms and towns, walled Cities with outlying suburbs, thieves in the dark night, the need to be gone long periods and thus maintain trust I could be led to believe that the current set of vows needs revisiting. Much has changed in the way that we live. I think you could change the vows without changing the spirit of the law of marriage. I believe in "death do us part", "love and cherish and all but I don't think "obey" is necessary.

we don't live in "the village" any more wher Bill and Tawanda new each other all of their lives, where continuity was essential. Today Bill and Tawanda are from different backgrounds. I really don't think women ought to obey necessarily. there are alot of things my wife is better at than me. You know, if I say, "dear get me a glass of Ice Tea with crushed ice" she may "disobey" and come back with cubes instead, knowing that crushed ice forms one big distasteful chunk in the center of the glass. Therefore her "disobedience' was beneficial to me. Now, she still has to be punished... JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!! No, honestly I think it depends on the couple and the circumstance. My wife and i sort of meld together, but she rules the roost. That works best for me, listening to her would have kept me from BK, so i listen now. I disagree with across the board obedience. Sometimes it doesn't work, I say a couple should do what works. Not all men should be obeyed, but they may make great husbands. Some wives need to listen and obey and would make great wives. Some husbands need to obey and learn from a good woman. Everyone has strength and weakness, a couple needs to get beyond that issue and find the system that works for them.

[anonymuse]

[DisneyGirl]

I've been married twice, the word "obey" didn't get used either time. Our minister (both weddings) offered to take the word out without our asking. They said most people omit that word.

[Jenny]

The most outdated part of the marriage vows is "until death do us part". Half of all marriages fail.

[robivi3]

I think "by your command imperious leader" should be used instead.

[krobin02]

My religion has the easiest wedding ever. The entire thing (if the couple wanted) could be each of them saying the vow in turn and nothing more. No one does just that but it's an option. The vow says "We will all, verily, abide by the will of God."

[SinkingFast]

The most outdated part of the marriage vows is "until death do us part". Half of all marriages fail.

Ah, the usual gloom and doom from her. Should we expect anything else but the glass is half empty??!!

But I certainly would completely understand if your Intended threw you to the curb. Do you even have anyone else in your life??!! Who could share a life with some one so perfect as you??!!

And you know what??!! The other half of us are out here working at marriage every day. That's partly why so many marriages fail. Marriage doesn't just happen on it's own. It's work. You've got to nurture your relationship to keep it growing.

In our particular case, it's 25+ years and going strong.

[13inOR]

Ah, the usual gloom and doom from her. Should we expect anything else but the glass is half empty??!!

But I certainly would completely understand if your Intended threw you to the curb. Do you even have anyone else in your life??!! Who could share a life with some one so perfect as you??!!

And you know what??!! The other half of us are out here working at marriage every day. That's partly why so many marriages fail. Marriage doesn't just happen on it's own. It's work. You've got to nurture your relationship to keep it growing.

In our particular case, it's 25+ years and going strong.

Oh good grief Jenny. Talk about always giving the negative slant. If we all thought like you you we'd never get out of bed in the morning. SHEESH
Why should we bother buying a house???? Why should we bother getting married? What a miserable outlook on everything. Really quite sad, actually.
For the record, I must be in the same half as Sinking Fast, because we will have 25 years on the 18th of this month.

[robivi3]

Congrats 13inOR, we are at 22.5. As an old man once said when asked "how did you stay together for sixty years"? "We long ago agreed that when she was angry she would just get it off her chest right away and that when i was angry I would just take a long walk, I owe our longevity to the fact that i have led a largely outdoor life".

The fact is love is a decision, not just a feeling, I can and have fallen in love dozens of times, beauty makes you do that. It doesn't mean you fool around, you just have to understand that humans are wired like that. The marriages fail largely because people are dependant on their "feelings". There are times when you won't feel like loving someone for a LONG time, but you do it any way. And then there are windows of time where everything will click and it's like the days you first met. Longevity counts, even imn 2006, period. How many people miss grandchildren, families because they stepped out when they didn't need to? I don't want to miss that nor give that example to my boys.