Relatives needing help

[Floridagail]

Had to tell a relative I could not lend them money. It was hard decision. But I had bad experience in past.

I fell hook and sinker for my step granddaughter story, down and out, had a baby, I paid her cell bills, her rent , etc, food for baby, clothes for watched the 8mos baby 24 hrs a day, for about a year helping her get on her feet. Oh I will pay you back when I get my tax credit for my baby. Found out later she was selling her WIC on Ebay. Telling me she had no formula.

Well that was 4 yrs ago and another kid later. Unfortunately when we stopped the money, she stopped talking to us. But We learned our lesson, a few yrs later, Step daughter needed help , wanted to borrow for downpmt on house, we said NO... , Then her son started asking, All because we had kind heart with the granddaughter.

[angel7821]

Don't feel bad about saying no when someone wants to borrow money. Some folks like to to advantage of the kind hearted with no intent to pay it back.

[bcohen]

My dad always told me NEVER gamble, NEVER lend money to friends or family, and NEVER borrow money from friends or family. Nothing good can come of it. He's right. It is one thing when a large multi-national creditor such as Citibank, Chase, or Bank of America loses money on a defaulted debt. It is quite different when you or I lose money because a "friend" or family member refuses to pay it back. Mainly because big corporations get so many write-offs that they don't really lose anything on the occasional bad debt, but for a private person, the loss of money and betrayal of friendship can be devastating.

[Floridagail]

Yeah, I learn my lesson, Its best to say no. They learn from their mistakes As I have from mine.

[sbatman]

I've learned the hard way too many times. The new policy (now about 8 years old) is that if one of my family members needs help. I GIVE them the money, if I can afford it. If they say they want to make it a loan and pay me back, I refuse. I tell them that it is a gift, but if they win the lotto or really want to pay me back, they can gift it to me. But I make it clear that it is a gift, that way they will not slink off and our relationship is not destroyed if they can't or don't want to pay me back. Everyone saves face and our relationships stay intact. And if I can't help a lot, I do what I can do without harming myself.

A good example was when one of my sisters called saying that they needed to borrow money as they couldn't afford to feed the family. I asked her for the name and phone number of her supermarket so I could order them a couple sacks of beans, rice and oatmeal. She protested-"No, we need cash so we can also buy some beer and cigarettes!" I told her that I couldn't afford beer and cigs for me, but my offer still stood. More than once, my family has lived on beans and rice and cereal with Tang because I couldn't afford milk. Guess that wasn't good enough for them.

Sometimes, you just gotta shake your head....

[Floridagail]

Yeah, I found out the sdaughter who was trying to borrow money from me, Was sending her other sister money , 47 yr old who never had to work until recently , and does not like it. So sad too bad. I worked 30yrs, while raising 3 babies on my own. It is hard to be sympathic for either one.

[GoingDown]

I've learned the hard way too many times. The new policy (now about 8 years old) is that if one of my family members needs help. I GIVE them the money, if I can afford it. If they say they want to make it a loan and pay me back, I refuse. I tell them that it is a gift, but if they win the lotto or really want to pay me back, they can gift it to me. But I make it clear that it is a gift, that way they will not slink off and our relationship is not destroyed if they can't or don't want to pay me back. Everyone saves face and our relationships stay intact. And if I can't help a lot, I do what I can do without harming myself.

A good example was when one of my sisters called saying that they needed to borrow money as they couldn't afford to feed the family. I asked her for the name and phone number of her supermarket so I could order them a couple sacks of beans, rice and oatmeal. She protested-"No, we need cash so we can also buy some beer and cigarettes!" I told her that I couldn't afford beer and cigs for me, but my offer still stood. More than once, my family has lived on beans and rice and cereal with Tang because I couldn't afford milk. Guess that wasn't good enough for them.

Sometimes, you just gotta shake your head....

This is sort of the policy my family has, too. If they can afford to give the money away no strings attached, and never get it back, then they give the relative money and tell them it is a gift that is never to be repaid.

It does 3 things...

1. It makes it clear to the giver that this money is really gone after they give it, so they know they won't get it back, no matter what, and so they are more careful about whether or not they can afford to give the money away.

2. It makes the recipient know that this is a big deal and don't go asking for money unless they really need it because this is asking a lot of that family member. They can't just rationalize it away as something they will someday repay.

3. Far less misunderstandings and far less hurt feelings, and much nicer family reunions.