Need Perspective Desperately!!!

[phsunny]

Okay gang, I just have to get some opinions on my situation. First let me nutshell our life.....married 26 years, 4 great kids, owed own business for many years successfully. In 2004 we sold our last apartment building and made it out with very little profit. We decided not to reinvest the little profit we had because the market was changing. At that point my hubby began what I would refer to as a steady decline into depression. He never saw a doctor or counselor for it (actually he never really admitted it), but for 4 years he did nothing but sit in our basement staring at the computer, not even looking for a job! Meanwhile, I began an online business. He did not approve of this business but I was passionate about it - I loved it! Anyway, I worked this business all day everyday for 3 years. I earned a total of about $104,000 during that three year span but I will concede, that the business required costly advertising and recommended travel so realistically, I probably put at least 60% of that amount into it during that same time. In late 2009, my business model changed dramatically - significantly reducing my profit margins and I had to begin considering getting a "real" job for the first time in my life since my early 20"s. Finally, everything caught up with us - neither of us had "real" jobs and with him not working for 3 years (except odd jobs here and there).........we were forced to file bk in Dec. 2009. As far as I'm concerned it was a lesson learned. We both were at fault and have started over. I am grateful for the time when we had money and were able to travel and have nice things, but we are so lucky to now both have steady employment and fantastic loving kids. We willing left our huge house which is still in pre-pre forclosure after almost 2 years of no payments and now rent a wonderful small home in our kids school district. I can tell he is still resentful of my business, both that I did it without his full approval and that it "took" our money (in his eyes). So here is where I need some perspective. I occasionally go to websites that discuss my old business to see what is happening with the business (which has become nothing like it was when I was involved!) Also I suppose to make me feel better about getting out of it when I did. Well, I noticed that he has posted comments (I immediately recognized his user name - as he has used it for other things in the past) even as recently as our anniversary in August of this year! I guess I feel deceived because I was really thinking we were moving on. It also makes me question having real love for someone if they act like it is all forgotten when clearly it is not! And as bad as I feel about it I can't help but go to the place in my mind that tells me.....well at least "I" was doing something to try to keep our family afloat financially!! Please......any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

[papie]

Sorry you're having trouble.

If he's been in a deep depression and never seen a doctor for it, I think that's a good place start.

Also, marital counseling and individual counseling. It can do wonders. Sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective. My guess is that he may be more receptive if there's an outside mediator to put things into perspective.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Sorry you're having trouble.

If he's been in a deep depression and never seen a doctor for it, I think that's a good place start.

Also, marital counseling and individual counseling. It can do wonders. Sometimes it helps to get an outside perspective. My guess is that he may be more receptive if there's an outside mediator to put things into perspective.

I agree. Get him on a med like ampatryptoline (Elivil) or Prozac. Stay AWAY from Paxil he'll never get off of it. It is insidious. He needs a clinical anti depressant. Your business should have been discussed further though and to have him become part of it. When you realized he was in the "funk" you should have acted sooner, and perhaps he would have snapped out of his situation. So it is shared fault.

Nothing real bad at this time, but to have a third party interview with a counselor is what you need now or things could go worse. You are seeing things wrong now, so don't let this slide as you have with the depression or a divorce may be in your future.

When married, and truly love each other, you must "LIKE" each other first. I perceive that you both are at odds with each other. You must lean against each other when times are stressed, not become the cause of each others distress. 'Hub

[mountanddo]

This really isn't a situation where a bankrupcy forum can advise you. I would suggest as the others have that you look into marital counseling and perhaps individual counseling for your husband. I don't think anyone here should be advising that your husband needs to be on medication from a one paragraph post without really knowing the whole situation. You've been married for 26 years and that brings tons of baggage. You mentioned that he posted comments but didn't really say what they were. I'll assume they were negative because you feel deceived. Do as much research in retaining psychological help for your marriage that you did for your bankrupcy. There are a lot of incompetent, licensed professionals out there who will just prescribe medication and hope for the best.

When I was married my husband and I bought a franchise. It was my idea and we sold a lake home to finance it. We opened the January after 911 and needless to say, the business failed horribly. Some due to me being unfamiliar with how to run a business but mostly due to the economy. After my husband guilted me into taking out numerous personal loans to keep "my" business afloat we ended up divorcing and I ended up being the one that had to file bankrupcy. Though the business ended my marriage I am pretty sure that if it wasn't that, it would of been something. Maybe he has already "checked out" of the marriage. Only a professional can help you decide that.