Major problem.... HELP!!

[tinroofrusted]

Here's the deal, and I will try to make it as short as I possibly can...

Yesterday, one of the guys that I was working with, quit. My boss asked me to go and clean up his computer, and save any files that were needed and stuff.While doing this, I also went through his emails for printouts, and codes, and things that would be needed. While doing THIS, I found some emails that not only hurt and pissed me off, but scared me. They were between this guy, and one of my bridesmaids...... (I work with one of the girls)

To make a long story short, she is dating my fiance's best friend, after we hooked them up.

In these emails she was talking back and forth with this guy about how they should "take longer at lunch to get more things done together" and how "she couldn't wait until he left, so they could spend more time together, and it wouldn't look bad," and about how he and his wife never sleep together, and how he wanted her, and so on and so forth. This guy that she is dating is like my brother, and I love him very much.

In the OTHER emails, she was calling me a "whiny *****y" complaining that "she "(Tinny) thinks she's so perfect" and "thier marriage will be a sham" and basically that she doesn't really like me....

What do I do now? I told my boss what I had found, and he allowed me to keep the emails, but do I confront her, do I confront both of them, do I ask her NOT to be in my wedding?! I am so confused, and upset.....

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[SinkingFast]

Eeewwwwwwww!!

This so tough!!

And I am so sad for you Tin that you learned of this, especially in this way.

If you tell your male friend, he'll be hurt and potentially blame you for their break-up. Even if you show him the emails as proof. I don't know that I would do that.

If you tell the "quit co-worker's" wife, that could cause problems for you too.

I don't know why, but even when you're right, the bearer of the bad news is almost always the person that gets blamed.

But your supposed friend that's gonna be in your wedding,......... That's a different story. Be calm. Be cool. Be rational. When you do this. Hand her a copy of the emails you have, and simply say, "I understand why you have to bow out from being in my wedding party and even attending my wedding at all." Let her know in a nice, yet firm way, that she is no longer an invited member of your inner circle and will not be a welcomed guest at your wedding.

Don't even give her the opportunity to potentially ruin your day. It's your wedding and she has no business being there. That's the day you want to be surrounded by the people you love that love you as well.

Be sure to cancel her bridesmaid dress order, if it's already been placed. And any other plans that have already been made including her in the wedding party. If you have another girlfriend you'd like to include in her place, ask that GF, and then just contact the dress shop to change the size of the dress that's already been ordered for the new person.

Tell the other bridesmaids, family, etc., that the gal just had some personal problems and she cannot fulfill her initial committment to be in your wedding. And let it go at that.

That gal knowing you know, she'll self implode and blow the whole thing up for you. You won't have to do a thing or even get your hands dirty with the affair. She reveal herself, and your former co-worker to her current boyfriend and his wife all on her own. It may take a bit of time, but it will happen.

Just my thoughts.

[Fedler]

I doubt reading personal e-mails was part of the cleaning up your boss had in mind. Here's a hint about life. Not everyone likes you. Some people even say bad things about you behind your back. The only sad thing here is that you found out the actual verbiage. Too bad.

Do whatever you want about the wedding and the friendships. No matter what, you're the loser here. They may feel embarrassed about you finding out what they said, but you're the snoop.

Next time, don't read other people's notes, e-mails, diaries, mail, etc.

[tinroofrusted]

I doubt reading personal e-mails was part of the cleaning up your boss had in mind. Here's a hint about life. Not everyone likes you. Some people even say bad things about you behind your back. The only sad thing here is that you found out the actual verbiage. Too bad.

Do whatever you want about the wedding and the friendships. No matter what, you're the loser here. They may feel embarrassed about you finding out what they said, but you're the snoop.

Next time, don't read other people's notes, e-mails, diaries, mail, etc.

Perhaps people shouldn't use personal email at work.......

Since I was doing what was asked, I came across information that pertained to me. I couldn't help but see it........

[tinroofrusted]

Eeewwwwwwww!!

This so tough!!

And I am so sad for you Tin that you learned of this, especially in this way.

If you tell your male friend, he'll be hurt and potentially blame you for their break-up. Even if you show him the emails as proof. I don't know that I would do that.

If you tell the "quit co-worker's" wife, that could cause problems for you too.

I don't know why, but even when you're right, the bearer of the bad news is almost always the person that gets blamed.

But your supposed friend that's gonna be in your wedding,......... That's a different story. Be calm. Be cool. Be rational. When you do this. Hand her a copy of the emails you have, and simply say, "I understand why you have to bow out from being in my wedding party and even attending my wedding at all." Let her know in a nice, yet firm way, that she is no longer an invited member of your inner circle and will not be a welcomed guest at your wedding.

Don't even give her the opportunity to potentially ruin your day. It's your wedding and she has no business being there. That's the day you want to be surrounded by the people you love that love you as well.

Be sure to cancel her bridesmaid dress order, if it's already been placed. And any other plans that have already been made including her in the wedding party. If you have another girlfriend you'd like to include in her place, ask that GF, and then just contact the dress shop to change the size of the dress that's already been ordered for the new person.

Tell the other bridesmaids, family, etc., that the gal just had some personal problems and she cannot fulfill her initial committment to be in your wedding. And let it go at that.

That gal knowing you know, she'll self implode and blow the whole thing up for you. You won't have to do a thing or even get your hands dirty with the affair. She reveal herself, and your former co-worker to her current boyfriend and his wife all on her own. It may take a bit of time, but it will happen.

Just my thoughts.

This IS a tough one. I never in a million years imagined any of this would happen, and that's why I am having such a hard time with it. Unfortunately, my job description and position requires me to go through the computers and clean them up again, and I had to come across this.....

My fiance wants the both of us to sit down with his friend and show him everything that I have... he feels that it would be best coming from him too, because he has never liked the girl anyway....

This whole thing is just a mess. I wish I wouldn't have ever seen it, but now I am glad and relieved, but heartbroken at the same time........

[SinkingFast]

Personally, Tin, I didn't see as you being a snoop.

You were asked, by your boss, to do a clean-up job behind an employee that left.

The day Hubby was laid off, someone came around to everyone that was getting the axe that day and told each person to meet in a certain conference room at 9:00 am. They only gave the employees about 10 minutes notice of the meeting. Everyone being terminated that day, from Hubby's dept, gathered in the conference room just a few minutes before the HR person came in to tell them what was going on.

They were told they were being laid off. All the people being terminated had their Company ID cards and Key Cards taken right on the spot. Each one was handed a packet detailing info about their severance package, and a Security Person was waiting out in the hallway for each employee that was laid off to escort them to their cars and physically see that they left the property. Hubby was not allowed to return to his desk to retrieve personal items, say Goodbye to co-workers. Nothing. They were told someone would pack their desks and ship all personal items to them at home.

Thank goodness, a couple of kind and good hearted co-workers went behind the official desk emptiers. Whoever did the clean-up behind the terminated employees didn't get all of everybody's personal items. Two gals went thru and pointed out stuff that they knew belonged the people that had been terminated. Hubby got 2 more boxes of stuff sent. Pictures of our kids. Coffee cup, things like that. Plus some personal technical scientific books. Items that were definitely not company sensitive material.

It's not your fault that you stumbled onto what you found. I'm sure whoever went thru Hubby's computer found a few personal emails as well. I'd send him a note at work from time to time, somebody'd called to call them, get a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread on the way home. Hubby kept in touch with old collegues via email at work. I'm sure there were a few of those there as well.

I think maybe you possibly had a moment of devine intervention. Putting you at the right spot at the right time to learn this stuff.

I understand your fiance wanting to do the sit down, face to face chat. And you are certainly free to choose what you want to do. But, I believe this is one of those, "the less said the better" situations.

Will you resolve anything sitting down and talking face to face?? Will it stop the affair?? Probably not. The face to face will definitely not undue the damage done to the one guy's marriage. Will it repair your friendship with this gal?? Probably not.

Sometimes it's best to just leave well enough alone. Tell the chick she's outa your wedding and what happens from there between her and her BF is their business. Secrets like that don't stay hidden. It will come out on its own. It already has. This is just the tip of the iceberg. You're at ground zero right now of the nuclear explosion. The mushroom cloud will bloom soon enough on it's own.

[tinroofrusted]

Personally, Tin, I didn't see as you being a snoop.

You were asked, by your boss, to do a clean-up job behind an employee that left.

The day Hubby was laid off, someone came around to everyone that was getting the axe that day and told each person to meet in a certain conference room at 9:00 am. They only gave the employees about 10 minutes notice of the meeting. Everyone being terminated that day, from Hubby's dept, gathered in the conference room just a few minutes before the HR person came in to tell them what was going on.

They were told they were being laid off. All the people being terminated had their Company ID cards and Key Cards taken right on the spot. Each one was handed a packet detailing info about their severance package, and a Security Person was waiting out in the hallway for each employee that was laid off to escort them to their cars and physically see that they left the property. Hubby was not allowed to return to his desk to retrieve personal items, say Goodbye to co-workers. Nothing. They were told someone would pack their desks and ship all personal items to them at home.

Thank goodness, a couple of kind and good hearted co-workers went behind the official desk emptiers. Whoever did the clean-up behind the terminated employees didn't get all of everybody's personal items. Two gals went thru and pointed out stuff that they knew belonged the people that had been terminated. Hubby got 2 more boxes of stuff sent. Pictures of our kids. Coffee cup, things like that. Plus some personal technical scientific books. Items that were definitely not company sensitive material.

It's not your fault that you stumbled onto what you found. I'm sure whoever went thru Hubby's computer found a few personal emails as well. I'd send him a note at work from time to time, somebody'd called to call them, get a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread on the way home. Hubby kept in touch with old collegues via email at work. I'm sure there were a few of those there as well.

I think maybe you possibly had a moment of devine intervention. Putting you at the right spot at the right time to learn this stuff.

I understand your fiance wanting to do the sit down, face to face chat. And you are certainly free to choose what you want to do. But, I believe this is one of those, "the less said the better" situations.

Will you resolve anything sitting down and talking face to face?? Will it stop the affair?? Probably not. The face to face will definitely not undue the damage done to the one guy's marriage. Will it repair your friendship with this gal?? Probably not.

Sometimes it's best to just leave well enough alone. Tell the chick she's outa your wedding and what happens from there between her and her BF is their business. Secrets like that don't stay hidden. It will come out on its own. It already has. This is just the tip of the iceberg. You're at ground zero right now of the nuclear explosion. The mushroom cloud will bloom soon enough on it's own.

Thank you SinkingFast. I didn't feel I was being a snoop either; just doing my job. The fact that I happened upon this was purely coincidental.

I will talk to my fiance about what you suggest. We just don't want our friend to be hurt anymore than he is going to. He is truly like a brother to both of us, and when he does find out he will be devastated. And I feel that he will hate us for deceiving him about it when it all comes down to it.....

It really bothers me that there are people in this world who are so two-faced and nasty. I would rather have someone be just nasty and mean to me right away rather than pretend to love me and be, what I considered, a very good friend.

My best friend and I talked today too. She told me that she has always had a bad vide from this chick, but didn't want to bother me with undue "feelings." I told her, that I trust her judgment completly, and had she spoken up previously, it might have saved me some undue heartache and bother!

[13inOR]

I agree with SF, I would ditch this girl from the wedding and let the rest of the dirt come out on its own, and it will, thats for sure.

[robivi3]

Tin, you WEREN'T snooping. I work as you know for the gazzillionth time in Public Transit. That crap is a MAJOR, MASSIVE NO-NO and I will tell you that in maintenance we look up a lot of stuff online but there is NO PORN, NO PERSONAL EMAIL, NOT one bit of that is tolerated. That is taken extremely serious, extremely. It freaks us out to hear vendors talk about getting "beer" at lunch. I'm NOT even allowed to buy Lotto tickets while in uniform, NOT EVEN IF I AM PUNCHED OUT AND IN MY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD. Work is work, he screwed up, you weren't snooping, she is a freaking snake wench. I don't get people. why complicate life with such stupidity and cause someone else to be hardened.

Personal EMAIL at work, the crap that goes on in the outside world is so foreign to us that is unbelievable. Misappropriation of MTA property is a firing offense and you fire yourself. If I found that on a computer and reported it to the Mayors Office or a Commissioner (and yes you do get a response AND investigation because of our whistleblower policy, it would be mandatory) you wouldn't be considered a rat even. On a personal level how the hell could you bew the loser, what do you care what they think? You had guts to tell your boss, I respect you. Integrity has value.

[SinkingFast]

I forgot about the chick's boyfriend in all this.

And, yes, I do agree that he may feel embarrassed and betrayed when he learns that you 2 knew before him and didn't tell.

That's a toughie for sure. And no way to control when he's gonna find out. Rest assured he will find out.

This is definitely a Catch 22 situation. You tell him, he's gonna say something to her and it all blows up. You don't tell him and he's gonna be hurt that you didn't tell him. Plus too, the longer he goes out with this chick thinking the relationship is going somewhere, the deeper involved he could be getting.

My gut says your friend needs to know, but I don't have a clue as to how you might approach telling him. Maybe your fiance do it??!! A guy to guy thing??!! Just the 2 of them??!!

I agree, Tin,............ Why do people have to be so mean and nasty. Play dirty games and bring them into your life. You didn't ask for it, and you certainly wouldn't do the same to them.

[Fedler]

Tell yourself whatever you want. Cleaning up a computer does not require a person to read every e-mail message on the system. Have you heard of CTRL+A, DEL? That selects all the messages and deletes them. That's cleaning up.

Regardless, no matter what you do you lose. You'll lose friends and tick off people. As I said before, you've only touched the tip of the iceberg. There are countless other people who harbor negative feelings about you. That's life. Go ahead and waste time and make enemies.

Looks like you're into drama. Congrats. You got it.

[tinroofrusted]

Tell yourself whatever you want. Cleaning up a computer does not require a person to read every e-mail message on the system. Have you heard of CTRL+A, DEL? That selects all the messages and deletes them. That's cleaning up.

Regardless, no matter what you do you lose. You'll lose friends and tick off people. As I said before, you've only touched the tip of the iceberg. There are countless other people who harbor negative feelings about you. That's life. Go ahead and waste time and make enemies.

Looks like you're into drama. Congrats. You got it.

YAWN. Apparently you can't read. I was specifically told to go through the emails on the computer for codes, and other information. Upon doing this, I found the emails and information.

I don't like drama, and I don't like trouble, and I don't like you or care for your negative energy or karma.

You're probably the guy at work who spends his time looking at naked women and on chat rooms all day while someone like me busts butt cleaning up after someone like you.......

[tinroofrusted]

I forgot about the chick's boyfriend in all this.

And, yes, I do agree that he may feel embarrassed and betrayed when he learns that you 2 knew before him and didn't tell.

That's a toughie for sure. And no way to control when he's gonna find out. Rest assured he will find out.

This is definitely a Catch 22 situation. You tell him, he's gonna say something to her and it all blows up. You don't tell him and he's gonna be hurt that you didn't tell him. Plus too, the longer he goes out with this chick thinking the relationship is going somewhere, the deeper involved he could be getting.

My gut says your friend needs to know, but I don't have a clue as to how you might approach telling him. Maybe your fiance do it??!! A guy to guy thing??!! Just the 2 of them??!!

I agree, Tin,............ Why do people have to be so mean and nasty. Play dirty games and bring them into your life. You didn't ask for it, and you certainly wouldn't do the same to them.

He thought about that too. He feels guilty as hell just letting it go even a couple days now...

According to the cynic Felder, I am a drama queen looking for trouble. Apparently his office doesn't have policies about this type of thing....

I hate negativity and nastiness with a passion. It is so disappointing to me, because I try to stay positive and upbeat about things, only to have negativity try to bring me down... it's horrible.

What goes around comes around though. I am a firm believer in that.

[tinroofrusted]

Tin, you WEREN'T snooping. I work as you know for the gazzillionth time in Public Transit. That crap is a MAJOR, MASSIVE NO-NO and I will tell you that in maintenance we look up a lot of stuff online but there is NO PORN, NO PERSONAL EMAIL, NOT one bit of that is tolerated. That is taken extremely serious, extremely. It freaks us out to hear vendors talk about getting "beer" at lunch. I'm NOT even allowed to buy Lotto tickets while in uniform, NOT EVEN IF I AM PUNCHED OUT AND IN MY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD. Work is work, he screwed up, you weren't snooping, she is a freaking snake wench. I don't get people. why complicate life with such stupidity and cause someone else to be hardened.

Personal EMAIL at work, the crap that goes on in the outside world is so foreign to us that is unbelievable. Misappropriation of MTA property is a firing offense and you fire yourself. If I found that on a computer and reported it to the Mayors Office or a Commissioner (and yes you do get a response AND investigation because of our whistleblower policy, it would be mandatory) you wouldn't be considered a rat even. On a personal level how the hell could you bew the loser, what do you care what they think? You had guts to tell your boss, I respect you. Integrity has value.

My boss needed to know. I felt that since it's my responsibility to handle this stuff, and people are doing this type of thing on company time, and with company things, then it becomes my business, since I handle the technical side of things right now. We are always told that if we are going to have a personal email sent, do it through yahoo or something else, so we are not using the company's email for that. Apparently some people don't listen. I don't dare send anything that isn't company related for fear of someone else reading or seeing it; especially when it's none of their business.

Our policy is that we aren't to be using the company email for personal purpose or gain, and in this case, it was being severely abused.....

I am not a snoop or drama queen, I was just doing my job...... (I believe Lightning may have returned for a visit.....the bitterness is awfully familiar!)

[Fedler]

Go ahead and make up stories about me. You're not hurting me. You're only trying to make yourself feel better.

You're the one with the problem. You read stuff you didn't like to hear. Hurts, doesn't it? You can't change how they think of you. That's what really pisses you off. You've finally graduated to "grown-up" status where you realize that not everyone in the entire world likes you, and some people *GASP* don't like you.

Get over it. Hating me and calling me names won't change what you've read or what they think of you. You're stuck with that, and it really ticks you off.