Is Marriage Really Worth It?

[Flamingo]

As I am becoming more and more free from debt everyday, I'm thinking about future contracts and how they will affect my life. And for me, the most binding contract of all is marriage.

First of all, my parents have been married for almost 40 years. I have been in a beautiful relationship for 2.5 years. We do not have children together, or from previous relationships. We live together, however do not share bank accounts. We are both in our 30's.

My question is, if things are going really well now, what exactly would marriage change? He's been married before and I have not. We're both open to getting married one day but I want to get some opinions out there on marriage and what it really means and how is it different from what we are doing now?

I have not read any of the other replies to you on here (there are many) so if this is a duplication of someone else's response, I apologize, but it is my own view. In today's world, there are more people living together than married - I believe the quoted percentage a few weeks ago in the news was for the segment of couples living together as married or non-married was 45% married/55% unmarried. There is a decline in marriage as marriage in early centuries and decades was all based on family, religion, etc., etc. As the types of families changed over the years and as religions and other lifestyles changed, so did people in their views. In earlier decades, one had to be married to properly have legitimate children, be able to obtain health or other insurance just due to being married to one's spouse, etc., etc. Things have changed as more people co-habitate without being married because many people just do not want the cost or pain of a divorce and most rates for insurance coverage and other perks of being married in the past are gone and changing also with the times. Getting married in today's world is based on one's own personal feelings, their religion, family-values, etc. More than half of marriages end in divorce and most people try to avoid that. In a hundred years or so now one can probably safely surmise that marriage will be a thing of the past as it will not be necessary to get married to save money on benefits, give children legitimacy, and religious values will change along with other religions or views coming into place. As people's views change, the times change and the generations change, so will marriage and other ways of life as we know them today. 100 years ago it was horrible and scandalous to get pregnant out of wedlock. Today no one blinks an eye. Think of the way it will be 100 years from now...

[oregonpilot]

pension

About feeling badly about not working or contributing money. Wrong. If you can lay tile and sheetrock, as well as do what "housewives" do, you are working. Contributing is not money. It is companionship. Almost always people will not see one of us without the other along. Unless I have a consulting job, I am with my partner. Even working on the house, she is present (watching the power tools with first aid kit).

Our interests either are, or have become each others as well. Mrs. had her hair turn prematurely as her daddy was completely white hair at age 37. When Mrs. asked me (only once) if I wanted her to dye her hair back to a dark brown, I told her "hell no, we will age gracefully and enjoy every minute of it". Her hair is a platinum silver and very pretty. It does not look gray to me. It looks beautiful.

For me, I choose legally married. For others, it is a personal choice. In essence, does it matter if that is your life companion? 'Hub

Thanks HUB...that does make me feel better. Hadn't really thought about it that way.
Those tools can get you. I learned to use the chop saw. Stay away from the table saw after shooting a piece out the end. LOL
Mine is that silver too. Have had people stop me at the store and tell me that my hair is beautiful. Maybe I'll change my avatar pic so Tobee43 can get that pic out of her head of my kittie and the walker)
(was trying to put some pics of us 2 and some pics of house building in an album and it tells me my pic exceed filesize by 3.3 MB's and my pic was pnly 300kb's)
Went into the SS office yesterday to ask what the ramifications would b if i remarried. Not so sure now. Thought i was confused B4......

[NowImDownInIt]

My husband and I were BEST friends before we started dating. He saw me through the excruciating end of my relationship with my ex (my son's bio-father). Marriage is more than a legal contract, it is a contract signed by God. He brought us together and I can see no greater way of honoring Him. Glory to God that I found the man that is the perfect complement to my admittedly complex and contradictory persona.

If you are looking at it strictly in the legal sense, then you aren't seeing the full picture.

[mommi2many]

I believe in soul mates and being friends first. My husband of is both my soul mate and my best friend. Prior to meeting DH I was in a very bad and had four children. I finally got the message that I deserved better than what I was getting and was fine with the idea that I would be a single mother. That is until my friend drug me out one night and I met the hubby. I didn't think it would go anywhere and quite frankly didn't even care if it did. I wasn't in the mind set for a relationship so I was just waiting for him to turn evil like that last one. He never did. And a year later we had the wedding of my dreams with my children in the wedding party. God brought him into my life to restore my faith and it worked. He had no children so everyone said it wouldn't work and boy was he crazy for being with me. Well, we've been married 9 years and still love spending every moment together. We have 7 year old twins together and life just couldn't be any better. Go figure considering we are going through bk. But, even bk is okay when it's with the one you love.

[freedomnow7]

As the OP, I started this thread to get the viewpoints of Legal Marriage vs. Committed Partnership. I'm sorry I don't have the right term for it. I LOVED reading everyone's stories. They are really inspirational.

When you get married, you make a vow to be together, but is it forever? I guess if you say, "Til Death Do You Part". But, why do so many say those words and then end up in the divorce? Why not just make a commitment and say, "We'll be together for as long as we can", or something like that. Not only am I playing the devil's advocate here, I just really want to know.

What if you are in a loving relationship, and just love, love, love the person that your with, and want to stay committed, but don't like the way he or she handles their finances and definitely DON'T want to share a credit report with that person, hence, never marry them legally. I was reading about how you can still have a wedding, or even a commitment ceremony, but don't go through the paperwork. I read that you can still go the legalities to make that person your beneficiary in case something happens to you and vice versa. I think the only thing that you can't legally get is their social security.

I know I'm sounding very young right now (I'm 33, so not that young), but I've just really gotta get some more viewpoints on this. Is anyone out there married, but not legally? Are there any Goldie Hawn and "what's his name" couples out there, LOL?

[NowImDownInIt]

My dad and his girlfriend are a great example of that. Totally committed, wear rings even, no wedding and no paperwork. He has pretty blemished credit where her's is perfect, so it works for them.

[oregonpilot]

My dad and his girlfriend are a great example of that. Totally committed, wear rings even, no wedding and no paperwork. He has pretty blemished credit where her's is perfect, so it works for them.

This is pretty much the way my S.O. and I are. We exchanged rings about 7 yrs ago/ took the diamonds from my previous set & put them in a new setting/ and (except for our closest friends) people just assume we are married.
I don't mention that we aren't . People that i meet in my business situations tell me that i must really be in love cuz i just light up when i talk about HIM.
I hardly ever think about us not being married.

I had been married for 30 yrs before and this , now, is the greatest part of my life.

[Floridagail]

Me here had to jump in, I have not remarried due to SS taxes payable if you are married, but not if you are single. So we have been together 20 yrs in July 2011. Once he retires and has low income, we can marry and not be punished as much for marriage in taxes, right now it would cost me around 5000 a yr to be married in additional taxes due to my ssdi income.

[goodyphilips]

This is pretty much the way my S.O. and I are. We exchanged rings about 7 yrs ago/ took the diamonds from my previous set & put them in a new setting/ and (except for our closest friends) people just assume we are married.
I don't mention that we aren't . People that i meet in my business situations tell me that i must really be in love cuz i just light up when i talk about HIM.
I hardly ever think about us not being married.

I had been married for 30 yrs before and this , now, is the greatest part of my life.

Married for 30 years incredible a rarity! So how was that previous relationship and how it ended?

[oregonpilot]

Married for 30 years incredible a rarity! So how was that previous relationship and how it ended?

AND now...we've been married for almost a month. I'm a giddy nearly 60 yr old newlywed. LIFe is GRAND..

Actually x & I are good friends. We talk a few times a month just touching base how things are going. He remarried the month after our divorce was finalized. I went to the wedding. Hugged them both and told them i was so glad they were happy. The gal he married i had known for years and she is a sweatheart.

It was interesting...i spent yrs trying to keep my head out of the line of fire. I was always afraid. BUT then thinking that i guess things COULD be worse.
After i finally walked out and then talked to him (knew at that point i had nothing more to loose) and told him that i was afraid of him and his temper....he was shocked. It woke him up and he examined himself a bit. WE never really talked cuz i was always afraid. His new marriage seems really good...but she doesn't take ANY guff. haha

[Clabbergirl]

Having 19-year marriage was officially dissolved just shy of 6 months ago, I'm amazed, oregonpilot, that your relationship with your ex is so amicable. I cannot imagine mine ever being such, but of course things are still very fresh. I was going to respond to the original post but see that it was posted several months back. Nonetheless, I'm going to put my 2 cents in.

I got married at 23 with good credit.I had been irresponsible with money before, but had got my act together and cleaned things up. The guy I married, not so much. No credit at marriage, but hey that's ok, I'll co-sign for you!! Ugh....hindsight. Fast forward all these years through my becoming an expert at juggling bills and a wiz at saving our butts, and you find us divorced with my credit forever tied to his and vice versa. Income split in half and well, I'm on this board so you know how that's going. We could've had almost the same life if I hadn't married him.

The perks? Health insurance coverage, tax breaks I guess. But really, it's much easier to split your stuff if you aren't married. Sorry, a bit jaded.

[clevelandmom]

I remind my husband all the time that "I'll always be his first wife." LOL

Every day when I get up, I have to make a choice. Am I going to make it a good day? Am I going to smile despite my troubles and try to make people laugh? Am I going to see the positive instead of the negaitve? Am I going to count my blessings or count my problems? It's really completely up to me. It's a choice I make.

Loving someone is the same thing. Marriage is the same thing. Staying married is the same thing. It's all a choice. You have to choose whether you're going to love that person for one more day. Put up with their shenanigans for one more day. Deal with all the nonsense for one more day. When you're experiencing good times and really fun times, it's a no-brainer. Of course you want to stay in those moments. But it's the hard moments where the choice comes into the picture.

I chose to marry my dh over 19 years ago. Together we have dealt with lay offs (his and mine), a horrible earthquake which lead to moving 2300 miles away from home, more job losses, the birth of a child, a horrible miscarriage, along with the losses of friendships and the usual family tragedies (illnesses and deaths) through the years. And now bankruptcy. Through it all though, we still chose to laugh. . .all the time. The best part of everything is that we've never had to go through any of life's BS alone. I've been his rock and he's been mine. But that's a choice we made. At the end of the day, that's all it really is.

[NoMoreCards]

My high school sweetheart and I had a baby, we were 16 at the time. Our parents strongly encouraged us to marry and gave us "permission" to do so and we did. By the age of 19 we were divorced and each went on to live our lives, although both parents were very active with the raising of this child (boy).
He re-married and had 2 daughters and I remarried and had 1.

Fast forward 27 years....
We are back together and couldn't be happier. Our problems in the past were due to us being kids playing adults. Now, we are adults trying to still play!! Lol!!
He is on SSDI, and due to insurance and financial issues...we can not remarry, but we also don't see the need to right now. We already have a child (and grandchildren), and things are wonderful for us in that regard. All 4 of the kids are grown, and visit often. We both wanted a large family when we were young, and it worked out where we have 1 son and 3 daughters. We have a framed wedding picture from 31 years ago hanging on our wall. We feel we had chosen the right mate to begin with, but were too young with too many responsibilities to know how to handle it.

So married or not...the relationship on that level IS worth all that you put into it. I wouldn't change a thing, because I like where life brings me today.

[oregonpilot]

WOW NoMore. that is SOOOO cool.

My x and i were both 19 when we got married. baby came along 4 yrs later(met when we were 14 and dated all thru hs)
. Was interesting the pressure from both sides of inlaws. when are we going to have grandbabies?.

My sweatheart DH says that he wished that we had met YRS ago. Told him that yrs ago we probably wouldn't have been in the same place OR the same people that we are today.

YUP much more fun being adults acting like kids.

[NoMoreCards]

My sweatheart DH says that he wished that we had met YRS ago. Told him that yrs ago we probably wouldn't have been in the same place OR the same people that we are today.

YUP much more fun being adults acting like kids.

I agree completely!! Although we've lost some years, we've gained so much more. I wouldn't change a thing!!