credit, money and independence

[backtoschool]

Hi all,

I recently got engaged, and this has brought up mixed feelings about money for me. My bankruptcy happened in a large part due to my ambivalence about money. I was an analyst on Wall Street, and saw money and greed in cartoon-like stereotyped jumbo proportions all around me. I saw people consumed with greed and the need to grab more money no matter what the personal cost to themselves and others. I grew to hate my job, and so I spent recklessly on vacations to far flung places, (to escape my daily routine) and on gadgets and designer goods that were my attempt to numb my increasing pain. I paid my bills on time, and this went on for some years and could have gone on indefinitely had I not become unemployed.

When I lost my job, I decided to go back to school and change the industry that I was working in. I filed for bankruptcy so that I could handle paying my bills and my student loans on a smaller salary. I moved to the Midwest. I am much, much happier now, and have learned a lot through the bankruptcy process and through realigning my life with my values.

Enter my fiance: He is successful, has perfect credit, and is not obsessed with money. Sounds great right? Well he is, but I am finding myself having mixed emotions about my finances in regards to our future. He wants to help me with my finances. He wants to help me pay off my student loans and to add me to all his cards, and I really have resisted this. I have refused any help. I got myself into the situation I am in, and I want to rebuild my credit on my own and to take responsibility for my student loan debts. I see this as part of my being an independent woman. Of course everyone around me thinks I am crazy. What do you all think? This is a board where people have been through what I have, and I feel many of you will understand my desire to rebuild on my own, and to take responsibility for my financial future. I simply cannot swallow having someone "bail me out" after I have worked so hard to come to terms with the behavior that caused my filing bk, and after I have come so far in rebuilding my life post bk. Am I being ridiculous? Unrealistic? Naive?

All thoughts and comments are welcome and desired. Ultimately this is not a tense issue for us, but I am in internal conflict and figured that people on this board would have insights that would help me.

[justbroke]

I personally know just a handful of people that are truly debt free. It is always a goal for those who are amongst the working class and working poor. If I could survive with no debt, that would be great. My total debt is under $10K at the present time, but the bankruptcy is what helped me get that low. The goal is to try to live within my means except for those exceptional purchases -- car, home -- that would generally require more debt.

If someone loves you enough to want to help you, accept that help. If you have a fear that you'll be tempted by the "available" credit, let your partner know that and perhaps limits yourself to just one account which won't get you in trouble. You have "been there, done that", and it should be less tempting this time. However, after seeing Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, perhaps the temptation is not easily quelled.

[df04527]

I have plenty of experience in this area and over the years have come to the hard hard belief that I will never, ever, not once allow NOT being able to stand on my own two feet.

I would continue your plan, whatever it is, to get yourself up on your own two feet and self supporting. He should respect that. If he doesn't - that's a problem.

[backtoschool]

I personally know just a handful of people that are truly debt free. It is always a goal for those who are amongst the working class and working poor. If I could survive with no debt, that would be great. My total debt is under $10K at the present time, but the bankruptcy is what helped me get that low. The goal is to try to live within my means except for those exceptional purchases -- car, home -- that would generally require more debt.

If someone loves you enough to want to help you, accept that help. If you have a fear that you'll be tempted by the "available" credit, let your partner know that and perhaps limits yourself to just one account which won't get you in trouble. You have "been there, done that", and it should be less tempting this time. However, after seeing Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, perhaps the temptation is not easily quelled.

Thanks justbroke, great insights as usual. After seeing the second "Wall Street" movie, I just wanted to run and hide on an island somewhere, away from civilization, so actually, my temptation was quelled quite a bit by "WallStreet: Money Never Sleeps".

I am not tempted to spend anymore. I live within my means, and am happy doing so. My former spending was due to being so unhappy at my job and has been cured by curing the root cause, and getting a different job in a different industry. I have been saving quite a bit, and even though I have discretionary income now, I really don't spend much compared to the way I was when I was living in the land of greed and jumbo egos.

I just feel responsible for digging myself out I guess. I have always been known to be stubborn too which is not helping....

[cantbreathe]

backtoschool,

Congratulations on your engagement!

First , let me just say, Thank You for being on this board. I appreciate you and your willingness to be so helpful to others. You have been especially helpful to me and I am so very grateful.

I completely understand your feelings about your independence around your finances. I love the saying, "To thine own self be true". Usually when something is unsettling with me there is something to it that requires some self examination. You know, as I believe you to be a very bright woman, that it doesn't really matter what others may or may not think about your financial affairs, on whether you are being "ridiculous" or "Naive". You will come to your own understanding and I am sure that you will make the best choice for yourself with all things considered.

Best of luck, friend.

[backtoschool]

backtoschool,

Congratulations on your engagement!

First , let me just say, Thank You for being on this board. I appreciate you and your willingness to be so helpful to others. You have been especially helpful to me and I am so very grateful.

I completely understand your feelings about your independence around your finances. I love the saying, "To thine own self be true". Usually when something is unsettling with me there is something to it that requires some self examination. You know, as I believe you to be a very bright woman, that it doesn't really matter what others may or may not think about your financial affairs, on whether you are being "ridiculous" or "Naive". You will come to your own understanding and I am sure that you will make the best choice for yourself with all things considered.

Best of luck, friend.

Thanks cantbreathe! Your kind words really got through to me. You are right this is an important internal decision for me, and I will know in my heart what is the "right" thing to do when the time comes. Although I tend to over-analyze things, ironically I always make my decisions intuitively.

[AbbeyA]

Well, as I see it, you are already doing exactly what you need to move forward and rebuild your credit. You are teaching yourself about how to manage your own finances and you are living a good, happy, financially responsible life. You don't need to be added to his credit cards. Do you have a secured card yet? If not, get one. You will be limited on how much you can spend anyway and you get the best of both worlds -- the ability to rebuild your credit on your own terms AND there is a true limit to what you can spend if you have a momentary lapse in judgment. : ) Furthermore, why would you want to take on his debt at this time anyway? I know he is your fiance and all, but, what if on the off chance something happened and now you're stuck with his debt?

I see nothing wrong with turning down the offer to be put on his card. You can do it all on your own and still be in a fiscally responsible partnership with him as your husband. Eventually you will probably purchase a house together ... tell him you are excited about that step down the road and you will be "credit worthy" when that time comes with what you are already doing to rebuild.

Congratulations on your engagement! When is the Big Day?

[backtoschool]

Well, as I see it, you are already doing exactly what you need to move forward and rebuild your credit. You are teaching yourself about how to manage your own finances and you are living a good, happy, financially responsible life. You don't need to be added to his credit cards. Do you have a secured card yet? If not, get one. You will be limited on how much you can spend anyway and you get the best of both worlds -- the ability to rebuild your credit on your own terms AND there is a true limit to what you can spend if you have a momentary lapse in judgment. : ) Furthermore, why would you want to take on his debt at this time anyway? I know he is your fiance and all, but, what if on the off chance something happened and now you're stuck with his debt?

I see nothing wrong with turning down the offer to be put on his card. You can do it all on your own and still be in a fiscally responsible partnership with him as your husband. Eventually you will probably purchase a house together ... tell him you are excited about that step down the road and you will be "credit worthy" when that time comes with what you are already doing to rebuild.

Congratulations on your engagement! When is the Big Day?

Thanks AbbyA! I agree, there is no need to be put on my fiance's cards right now. I have several rebuilder cards, and a car loan in my name and that should make me able to have my name on the house as well when we buy in a year or so. I am getting a great deal of personal satisfaction out of my financial rebirth and rebuilding and I want to continue to become financially strong on my own.

The Big Day is December 28. We are getting married in San Francisco and then going to Australia for our honeymoon.

[AbbeyA]

Thanks AbbyA! I agree, there is no need to be put on my fiance's cards right now. I have several rebuilder cards, and a car loan in my name and that should make me able to have my name on the house as well when we buy in a year or so. I am getting a great deal of personal satisfaction out of my financial rebirth and rebuilding and I want to continue to become financially strong on my own.

The Big Day is December 28. We are getting married in San Francisco and then going to Australia for our honeymoon.

Cool honeymoon!

[tobee43]

Hi all,

I recently got engaged, and this has brought up mixed feelings about money for me. My bankruptcy happened in a large part due to my ambivalence about money. I was an analyst on Wall Street, and saw money and greed in cartoon-like stereotyped jumbo proportions all around me. I saw people consumed with greed and the need to grab more money no matter what the personal cost to themselves and others. I grew to hate my job, and so I spent recklessly on vacations to far flung places, (to escape my daily routine) and on gadgets and designer goods that were my attempt to numb my increasing pain. I paid my bills on time, and this went on for some years and could have gone on indefinitely had I not become unemployed.

When I lost my job, I decided to go back to school and change the industry that I was working in. I filed for bankruptcy so that I could handle paying my bills and my student loans on a smaller salary. I moved to the Midwest. I am much, much happier now, and have learned a lot through the bankruptcy process and through realigning my life with my values.

Enter my fiance: He is successful, has perfect credit, and is not obsessed with money. Sounds great right? Well he is, but I am finding myself having mixed emotions about my finances in regards to our future. He wants to help me with my finances. He wants to help me pay off my student loans and to add me to all his cards, and I really have resisted this. I have refused any help. I got myself into the situation I am in, and I want to rebuild my credit on my own and to take responsibility for my student loan debts. I see this as part of my being an independent woman. Of course everyone around me thinks I am crazy. What do you all think? This is a board where people have been through what I have, and I feel many of you will understand my desire to rebuild on my own, and to take responsibility for my financial future. I simply cannot swallow having someone "bail me out" after I have worked so hard to come to terms with the behavior that caused my filing bk, and after I have come so far in rebuilding my life post bk. Am I being ridiculous? Unrealistic? Naive?

All thoughts and comments are welcome and desired. Ultimately this is not a tense issue for us, but I am in internal conflict and figured that people on this board would have insights that would help me.

backtoshcool,

i briefed over this thread before having to leave for the evening and did not want to not have the time to be thoughtful and mindful as you have been to others when they have a situation to discuss. (one usually gets what they give).

first, i do want to congratulate you on your well deserved "new" life. i understand what it's like to be an independent person and attempting to embrace new feelings and new lifetimes as we continue through our journey.

it's not difficult to feel your intelligence or independence...but i want you to know it's ok to trust. i think you know deep down there, you deserve it...that in itself must be so hard for you. but guess what...it's true....beyond and below that turtle shell...there is really a soft gentle soul...one that deserves every part of a wonderful life.

let him share with you...you need to let go of the guilt you feel...hold a hand...it's ok..i know it's hard for the likes of you!! LOL!!! i mean that only in the best of heart.

you most likely will always be in internal conflict...it's your nature. but he found you out! go with it...trust yourself..so what you got a designer bag or two..or ten..it's ok...trust yourself like you trust him.

i truly only wish you the very best!!! and i'm so happy for you.

[backtoschool]

backtoshcool,

i briefed over this thread before having to leave for the evening and did not want to not have the time to be thoughtful and mindful as you have been to others when they have a situation to discuss. (one usually gets what they give).

first, i do want to congratulate you on your well deserved "new" life. i understand what it's like to be an independent person and attempting to embrace new feelings and new lifetimes as we continue through our journey.

it's not difficult to feel your intelligence or independence...but i want you to know it's ok to trust. i think you know deep down there, you deserve it...that in itself must be so hard for you. but guess what...it's true....beyond and below that turtle shell...there is really a soft gentle soul...one that deserves every part of a wonderful life.

let him share with you...you need to let go of the guilt you feel...hold a hand...it's ok..i know it's hard for the likes of you!! LOL!!! i mean that only in the best of heart.

you most likely will always be in internal conflict...it's your nature. but he found you out! go with it...trust yourself..so what you got a designer bag or two..or ten..it's ok...trust yourself like you trust him.

i truly only wish you the very best!!! and i'm so happy for you.

What a beautiful post Tobee43! It actually brought a tear to my eye and I had to take off my nerd glasses for a minute.

I agree, that letting others help me is a HUGE issue for me. You totally figured me out. I always want to do everything myself. But trust is important and your point really got through to me. Letting go and letting down my protective shell IS what this is all about.

Thank you so much for your kind and very insightful words. They mean a lot to me.

[tobee43]

What a beautiful post Tobee43! It actually brought a tear to my eye and I had to take off my nerd glasses for a minute.

I agree, that letting others help me is a HUGE issue for me. You totally figured me out. I always want to do everything myself. But trust is important and your point really got through to me. Letting go and letting down my protective shell IS what this is all about.

Thank you so much for your kind and very insightful words. They mean a lot to me.

bts...it's more than my pleasure and the very least i can attempt to do for you, for all you have given others. believe me. .....your worth the thought. but then again I KNOW that...it's just YOU we have to convince.. (and i'm not easy and you know that, but you are indeed worthy of the best...trust me!).

[tobee43]

Cool honeymoon!

i'm born and raised in san fran....can you stop in and see my parent...LOL!!!! please...you'll love it if you already haven't been there...which you most likely HAVE been...love australia also....love the reefs...you're going to have so much FUN!!!

[Pandora]

bts -

congrats on your upcoming wedding - many blessings to you both. I think its okay to want to "own up" and pay your own debts but also know that its okay to accept help when the need arises. I dont know how you and your future hubby are planning on doing your finances once you're married - are you going to combine all expenses and monies in one account or keep them separate and split the bills equally? (meaning mortgage, utilities, etc - bills you will accrue together) Its something you should think about and discuss together now given you feel the way you currently do.

[tobee43]

bts -

congrats on your upcoming wedding - many blessings to you both. I think its okay to want to "own up" and pay your own debts but also know that its okay to accept help when the need arises. I dont know how you and your future hubby are planning on doing your finances once you're married - are you going to combine all expenses and monies in one account or keep them separate and split the bills equally? (meaning mortgage, utilities, etc - bills you will accrue together) Its something you should think about and discuss together now given you feel the way you currently do.

pandora.....PLEASE...have you NOT heard the saying "what's MINE Is MINE and WHAT's HIS is MINE"...take it from someone with the same mate for 40 years...it's OUR's...BUT mine...LOL!!!!! including the mess we got into...which once again had nothing to do with poor money management. he knows that...and he knows how hard we both worked for 40 years paying for.....college...grad schools..weddings for our kids....but whatever is left which is nothing.... but HIM....is.... STILL MINE!!!LOL!! poor guy.