Didn't know where else to put this, but since this is the "General Talk" thread, figured it was just about the only area I could put it.
A Christmas dilemma, and what might some of you others do given this scenario. I am fortunate that my only child still at home is 17 yo. She is understanding of our financial plight and so far seems to realize that it's likely there will be nothing under the tree for her this year. In fact, we likely won't even put up our tree (store bought, prel-lit, already in it's box). The two adult kids, launched from the home, they too realize, it will be all but a non-existant xmas around here. They are understanding. I can't imagine being in the financial straits we're in and yet having little children that expect Santa to have come and brought toys for them. Fortunately we're past those days.
My dilemma is with my dad. He lives here in town. He and my mother long-since divorced, when I was a kid, many moons ago. He so seems to enjoy coming to my house, anytime he can squeeze an invite out of me. So enjoys my family. He has two other kids, and both, for varying reasons, have been sore disappointments to him. And in his waning years here, he seems to so enjoy being made part of my life, where I can fit it in. Which I don't do enough of, admittedly. My mother is not a dilemma, she's in the same boat I'm in financially. I know there will be no gifts coming from her, thankfully, nor do I buy for her. Same with my in laws.
My dad however, he typically does buy each of us some little item of clothing, but also bestows on each of the kids, usually $100, and me, maybe $500.
I've never been in a position to buy him, for xmas or any other occasion, much of anything that he couldn't of already bought for himself, if he wanted it. In years past, I might've gotten he and his wife tickets for a play or something. Something they really appreciated, since they have lived a very frugal and thrifty life, and never spent money they didn't have to, rarely splurged on anything. All their married lives. This year, I don't even have the money to go buy them so much as a dime store candy dish.
So why don't I tell him? Just be honest?
Well, he is aged. My brother, younger brother, took him to hades and back, financially and emotionally over the last several years as he lost everything, (my brother did), his wife, his kids, (to the state), his home, his job, thru drug abuse/addiction. My father, who has the means, or some semblance thereof to assist, did so, with my brother. I have no idea how many thousands of dollars my dad threw at the problem, but I know it was substantial. Before my father just threw in the towel, and cut my brother off, from financial help as well as emotional support, to salvage his own sanity.
I know the above scenario took a huge toll on my dad's emotional well being. He had to finally just cut ties, and walk away from it all. My brother, fortunately is on the path to being right again, and my dad knows it, but he does still keep a healthy distance from my brother, as the problems persist, the drug abuse/addiction, seems to be in check, thankfully, but the fallout from his wreck of a life, persists, to this day. Thus, my father keeps a healthy distance from my brother's wreck of a life.
What does that have to do with me? Nothing, except that I don't want to be one more arena of "troubles" to his life. No I don't expect him to spend thousands bailing me out of the mess my life is in. It's not his problem, nor will I make it his problem. He is aged, he is retired, and comfortable, from having been very frugal all of his life, and careful with his money. He would no sooner understand $65k in unsecured debt than the man on the moon, and the need to possibly go file BK. That would be such a foreign concept to him. If he didn't have the money to pay for it, he simply didn't buy it, period.
So here's about how it will play out, his wife (my stepmother) will call at some point over the next few weeks, wanting us to get together, that usually means over here, as it's far more convenient for everybody's schedules to come here, than to go to his house (not geographically convenient for all involved). At which time I would have to fess up "well, you guys can certainly come over here, but we haven't even put up a xmas tree here, we've decided to forgo xmas this year, it's all such a big commercial riggamorrow and we decided to get off that track this year". (translation - we are suffering horribly and doing all we can to hang onto our roof over our heads and the power to light this house, forget any extras).
He knows that we are suffering, in this economy. I have told him that much. But I leave out the nitty gritty details. He doesn't need to be burdened with my problems. I purposely don't tell him just how bad it is, and don't care to.
I just don't know what to do. I wish xmas would just come and go and I could sleep thru it. I don't wanna be bothered with it. I can't buy them so much as a box of chocolates. And I know they don't expect me to, and they could go buy their own case of chocolates if they wanted to. But I feel guilty having them come to my house, and give me $$$$$$, when I have nothing to give them, not even so much as a festive spirit. Yet I don't feel the lattitude to share with him just how bad it is for me. That I am close to loosing everything, after a life of working for a living, just trying to be an honest hard-working citizen, who leaned on cc's to get me thru the rough-times and it bit me on the arse. That I borrowed against my home, to buy me more leverage with debt, only to watch the bottom fall out of the real estate market and now find myself upside down in that mtg. All of these, foreign concepts to a man who has been frugal and thrifty to a fault, all of his life. He would not understand, it would be so troubling to him. He's already a *broken* man with regard to the disappointments my brother has dished out. He has a step daughter, who also, for varying reasons has been somewhat of a disappointment.
I just don't want to be another heart break to him. I could have he and his wife over, something they so enjoy, as I said, being made a part of our world over here, if only for a dinner here. I could do that, that's not a problem. But what of the corner where the tree sits, and it's not even up this year. No presents, for anybody. What to say to him. I don't want to tell him "gee dad, it's really so bad for us, I mean really really bad, we may even loose our home, we are doing all we can to keep our lights on and the mtg. paid, and try to keep creditors from suing us, it's that bad".
So what to do, any ideas? And no, I'm not particularly close to him, either. He's not someone that I just drop in on and visit periodically. They divorced long long long ago, and I was raised by my mother, and very close to her, he was a parent in absentia for the most part (busy earning a living, traveling for same, gone a lot, not much interested in those days, in child rearing). So, it's not really a relationship where I would even open up to him and tell him how bad it really is.
What I wish I could do is just skip the whole da*& thing, altogether. Would be such a burden lifted off of me, if they somehow called and said "hey we've decided to just say screw it this year, with all the family stuff, we're heading off to Europe for xmas", or something of that order. That would be such a burden lifted. But that won't happen.
Any ideas? What to do when you are so broke that you don't want to burden others with your problems, but yet you aren't close enough to be open and honest about your world and it's comings and goings. Yet you know that it brings such joy to make them part of your world, if only for a few minutes time. What to do?
A Christmas dilemma, and what might some of you others do given this scenario. I am fortunate that my only child still at home is 17 yo. She is understanding of our financial plight and so far seems to realize that it's likely there will be nothing under the tree for her this year. In fact, we likely won't even put up our tree (store bought, prel-lit, already in it's box). The two adult kids, launched from the home, they too realize, it will be all but a non-existant xmas around here. They are understanding. I can't imagine being in the financial straits we're in and yet having little children that expect Santa to have come and brought toys for them. Fortunately we're past those days.
My dilemma is with my dad. He lives here in town. He and my mother long-since divorced, when I was a kid, many moons ago. He so seems to enjoy coming to my house, anytime he can squeeze an invite out of me. So enjoys my family. He has two other kids, and both, for varying reasons, have been sore disappointments to him. And in his waning years here, he seems to so enjoy being made part of my life, where I can fit it in. Which I don't do enough of, admittedly. My mother is not a dilemma, she's in the same boat I'm in financially. I know there will be no gifts coming from her, thankfully, nor do I buy for her. Same with my in laws.
My dad however, he typically does buy each of us some little item of clothing, but also bestows on each of the kids, usually $100, and me, maybe $500.
I've never been in a position to buy him, for xmas or any other occasion, much of anything that he couldn't of already bought for himself, if he wanted it. In years past, I might've gotten he and his wife tickets for a play or something. Something they really appreciated, since they have lived a very frugal and thrifty life, and never spent money they didn't have to, rarely splurged on anything. All their married lives. This year, I don't even have the money to go buy them so much as a dime store candy dish.
So why don't I tell him? Just be honest?
Well, he is aged. My brother, younger brother, took him to hades and back, financially and emotionally over the last several years as he lost everything, (my brother did), his wife, his kids, (to the state), his home, his job, thru drug abuse/addiction. My father, who has the means, or some semblance thereof to assist, did so, with my brother. I have no idea how many thousands of dollars my dad threw at the problem, but I know it was substantial. Before my father just threw in the towel, and cut my brother off, from financial help as well as emotional support, to salvage his own sanity.
I know the above scenario took a huge toll on my dad's emotional well being. He had to finally just cut ties, and walk away from it all. My brother, fortunately is on the path to being right again, and my dad knows it, but he does still keep a healthy distance from my brother, as the problems persist, the drug abuse/addiction, seems to be in check, thankfully, but the fallout from his wreck of a life, persists, to this day. Thus, my father keeps a healthy distance from my brother's wreck of a life.
What does that have to do with me? Nothing, except that I don't want to be one more arena of "troubles" to his life. No I don't expect him to spend thousands bailing me out of the mess my life is in. It's not his problem, nor will I make it his problem. He is aged, he is retired, and comfortable, from having been very frugal all of his life, and careful with his money. He would no sooner understand $65k in unsecured debt than the man on the moon, and the need to possibly go file BK. That would be such a foreign concept to him. If he didn't have the money to pay for it, he simply didn't buy it, period.
So here's about how it will play out, his wife (my stepmother) will call at some point over the next few weeks, wanting us to get together, that usually means over here, as it's far more convenient for everybody's schedules to come here, than to go to his house (not geographically convenient for all involved). At which time I would have to fess up "well, you guys can certainly come over here, but we haven't even put up a xmas tree here, we've decided to forgo xmas this year, it's all such a big commercial riggamorrow and we decided to get off that track this year". (translation - we are suffering horribly and doing all we can to hang onto our roof over our heads and the power to light this house, forget any extras).
He knows that we are suffering, in this economy. I have told him that much. But I leave out the nitty gritty details. He doesn't need to be burdened with my problems. I purposely don't tell him just how bad it is, and don't care to.
I just don't know what to do. I wish xmas would just come and go and I could sleep thru it. I don't wanna be bothered with it. I can't buy them so much as a box of chocolates. And I know they don't expect me to, and they could go buy their own case of chocolates if they wanted to. But I feel guilty having them come to my house, and give me $$$$$$, when I have nothing to give them, not even so much as a festive spirit. Yet I don't feel the lattitude to share with him just how bad it is for me. That I am close to loosing everything, after a life of working for a living, just trying to be an honest hard-working citizen, who leaned on cc's to get me thru the rough-times and it bit me on the arse. That I borrowed against my home, to buy me more leverage with debt, only to watch the bottom fall out of the real estate market and now find myself upside down in that mtg. All of these, foreign concepts to a man who has been frugal and thrifty to a fault, all of his life. He would not understand, it would be so troubling to him. He's already a *broken* man with regard to the disappointments my brother has dished out. He has a step daughter, who also, for varying reasons has been somewhat of a disappointment.
I just don't want to be another heart break to him. I could have he and his wife over, something they so enjoy, as I said, being made a part of our world over here, if only for a dinner here. I could do that, that's not a problem. But what of the corner where the tree sits, and it's not even up this year. No presents, for anybody. What to say to him. I don't want to tell him "gee dad, it's really so bad for us, I mean really really bad, we may even loose our home, we are doing all we can to keep our lights on and the mtg. paid, and try to keep creditors from suing us, it's that bad".
So what to do, any ideas? And no, I'm not particularly close to him, either. He's not someone that I just drop in on and visit periodically. They divorced long long long ago, and I was raised by my mother, and very close to her, he was a parent in absentia for the most part (busy earning a living, traveling for same, gone a lot, not much interested in those days, in child rearing). So, it's not really a relationship where I would even open up to him and tell him how bad it really is.
What I wish I could do is just skip the whole da*& thing, altogether. Would be such a burden lifted off of me, if they somehow called and said "hey we've decided to just say screw it this year, with all the family stuff, we're heading off to Europe for xmas", or something of that order. That would be such a burden lifted. But that won't happen.
Any ideas? What to do when you are so broke that you don't want to burden others with your problems, but yet you aren't close enough to be open and honest about your world and it's comings and goings. Yet you know that it brings such joy to make them part of your world, if only for a few minutes time. What to do?
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