I moved out of state oct 2007 to visit an ex girlfriend and found a damn good job, so I moved there. Easiest, best paying job I ever had. A few months later I decided to move back to spend what ended up being 3 more months with my mother, she passed away due to breast cancer july 28, 2008.
With all the attention on her for so long my father was neglected a bit.
So my siblings just assumed since I'm the youngest at 37, staying in the same house, not working, no kids or wife (all of which I wanted someday-guess I can throw that idea out the window)
They just assigned me caretaker for my father who has COPD (thats emphysema, mesothelioma) rheumatoid arthritis everywhere they said even in his lungs, diabetes.
I went from a contruction related technician, to a home health care provider (for free), my older sister lives up north, my younger sister lives next door and helps out hardly never, my brother lives 10 minutes away and never comes over.
Obviously this lead to my not paying bills, feeling like my life was taken from me and getting threats from CA's to come take what little I do have left.
As all of you know, this little sob story just gets ignored in a legal situation so I don't mention it, except when people assume I'm a lazy ass that doesn't feel like working.
I think I'm losing it, seriously.
I can hear my dad at night suffering to breathe, theres nothing I can do. It sounds like people are in there hurting him, in a situation like that I'd break the door down and beat some ass but you can't do that with a health condition. Only he can fight it, and it's a battle no one can win. You don't get better from COPD. (if you don't know thats Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) it's more of a generalized term instead of using all the big words.
It's hitting me so hard my body is starting to mimic his conditions, it's a mental thing I guess.
I'm already not the type of person to be comfortable in situations like this. I've been on anti anxiety medication half my life. My doctor got really pissed off at me because I never filled an anti-depressant he gave me. I'm not taking any more drugs.
And I have no other crutch, I don't drink or smoke anything to zone out and forget it all.
But I'm losing it. I've been invited back to my ex's house since I left and I've been thinking of just packing up and leaving. But oh god that would make others have to step in and do stuff.
I mean leaving as in leave my phone here and cut off all contact and go.
The house is willed in my name, but theres a reverse mortgage on it.
So basically when my dad passes away I HAVE TO get a mortgage for the house for fair market value. That should be fun being in debt and not working.
Everyone acts like thats some big prize I get, A HOUSE, OH LUCKY HIM.
Suicide, I have a gun, I guess I don't want my body to look like what it would do, I don't think I could do that.
I am kind of careless. I have a car that will go 160+ mph and I've had it to 150 on the hiway several times at night when theres no traffic.
I guess it's not my time to go because I found myself sliding sideways at 120mph one night on a straight highway with guardrails on each side. The sad part is that all that flashed through my mind was not being able to see my cat again. I fought like hell to bring it straight but spun around once and DROVE away never even stopping with just a rub mark on the bumper where it hit the guardrail slightly. (Have you ever been sideways at 120 mph at night? then you have no idea. I've been sideways at 90 and regained control, it's amazing how much more scary 30 mph faster is. That and going backwards at 60 or so mph)
The next day the grass did look greener as people say, the sky looked more beautiful. But that only lasted about two days.
I think I'm on the bottom looking into a hole, I need help, and I don't know where to go or what to do.
One thing I'm sure of, I'm not going to be in this situation much longer one way or another, I HAVE TO get out because it's changing my mentality.
I want a normal life.
Does anyone have any idea what I can do to get out?
What would you do if you were me?
With all the attention on her for so long my father was neglected a bit.
So my siblings just assumed since I'm the youngest at 37, staying in the same house, not working, no kids or wife (all of which I wanted someday-guess I can throw that idea out the window)
They just assigned me caretaker for my father who has COPD (thats emphysema, mesothelioma) rheumatoid arthritis everywhere they said even in his lungs, diabetes.
I went from a contruction related technician, to a home health care provider (for free), my older sister lives up north, my younger sister lives next door and helps out hardly never, my brother lives 10 minutes away and never comes over.
Obviously this lead to my not paying bills, feeling like my life was taken from me and getting threats from CA's to come take what little I do have left.
As all of you know, this little sob story just gets ignored in a legal situation so I don't mention it, except when people assume I'm a lazy ass that doesn't feel like working.
I think I'm losing it, seriously.
I can hear my dad at night suffering to breathe, theres nothing I can do. It sounds like people are in there hurting him, in a situation like that I'd break the door down and beat some ass but you can't do that with a health condition. Only he can fight it, and it's a battle no one can win. You don't get better from COPD. (if you don't know thats Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) it's more of a generalized term instead of using all the big words.
It's hitting me so hard my body is starting to mimic his conditions, it's a mental thing I guess.
I'm already not the type of person to be comfortable in situations like this. I've been on anti anxiety medication half my life. My doctor got really pissed off at me because I never filled an anti-depressant he gave me. I'm not taking any more drugs.
And I have no other crutch, I don't drink or smoke anything to zone out and forget it all.
But I'm losing it. I've been invited back to my ex's house since I left and I've been thinking of just packing up and leaving. But oh god that would make others have to step in and do stuff.
I mean leaving as in leave my phone here and cut off all contact and go.
The house is willed in my name, but theres a reverse mortgage on it.
So basically when my dad passes away I HAVE TO get a mortgage for the house for fair market value. That should be fun being in debt and not working.
Everyone acts like thats some big prize I get, A HOUSE, OH LUCKY HIM.
Suicide, I have a gun, I guess I don't want my body to look like what it would do, I don't think I could do that.
I am kind of careless. I have a car that will go 160+ mph and I've had it to 150 on the hiway several times at night when theres no traffic.
I guess it's not my time to go because I found myself sliding sideways at 120mph one night on a straight highway with guardrails on each side. The sad part is that all that flashed through my mind was not being able to see my cat again. I fought like hell to bring it straight but spun around once and DROVE away never even stopping with just a rub mark on the bumper where it hit the guardrail slightly. (Have you ever been sideways at 120 mph at night? then you have no idea. I've been sideways at 90 and regained control, it's amazing how much more scary 30 mph faster is. That and going backwards at 60 or so mph)
The next day the grass did look greener as people say, the sky looked more beautiful. But that only lasted about two days.
I think I'm on the bottom looking into a hole, I need help, and I don't know where to go or what to do.
One thing I'm sure of, I'm not going to be in this situation much longer one way or another, I HAVE TO get out because it's changing my mentality.
I want a normal life.
Does anyone have any idea what I can do to get out?
What would you do if you were me?
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