Help from those of you who already been thru divorce games with kids involved!

[twuoo]

My divorce was very high conflict, to put it nicely. Though really, there was no reason why it happened that way.

Anyway, my X plays games with keeping new clothes and shoes I buy. And returning the child back to me looking like a homeless person.

I keep buying stuff to cloth the child and get crap back in return after parenting time exchanges.

The child is still young, less than 5 y/o.

Do I just suck it up until the child can see what's going on for himself? It bothers me to the extend that I buy quality stuff, only to have my son returned in ill fitting, useless clothes.

The father has not purchased anything of significant value that I've seen my son returned in. I buy all the coats, boots, shoes.

It's just a game for the X as he's trying to push my buttons. I don't give him the satisfaction of reacting. But I hate that my son isn't dressed appropriately for the weather. For instance, shorts and sandals coming back to me on a 60 degree day when son was in pants and shoes. Or light fall jacket, keeping my winter coat. Stuff like that.

If I go to friend of court, then X knows he's pushed my buttons. We are not on good terms so trying to speak to him is like talking to a rock. That's an insult to rocks...sorry.

Any suggestions!?

[danaf]

Horrible. Bring a friend for a witness next time you drop off/pick him up and thereafter. And bring a camera or a video camera. Better the video camera. Video the drop off. Video the pick up and ask your child, where are your clothes? Document document document....so you can do something about it. Doesn't really matter if he's pushing your buttons. It should always be what is in the best interest of the child. Always.

Here is a site meant for fathers who have ex's doing what yours is doing (plus alienation syndrome and a whole bunch of stuff like that). Women can use it too. http://www.deltabravo.net/

[AMISLANDER]

Horrible. Bring a friend for a witness next time you drop off/pick him up and thereafter. And bring a camera or a video camera. Better the video camera. Video the drop off. Video the pick up and ask your child, where are your clothes? Document document document....so you can do something about it. Doesn't really matter if he's pushing your buttons. It should always be what is in the best interest of the child. Always.

Here is a site meant for fathers who have ex's doing what yours is doing (plus alienation syndrome and a whole bunch of stuff like that). Women can use it too. http://www.deltabravo.net/

I would second the above...it's all about documentation...My sons were 2 & 3 1/2 when I got divorced...eight years later it's all good.

[Flamingo]

Your ex is just still trying to be in control. Here is what you do - the next time the child spends time with him away from your house, ahead of time prepare a checklist of what is on the child and in the child's overnight bags. Have someone witness it or, better yet, if you have a notary at work get it notarized. He just wants to play games with you and make it hard and emotional for you - play right back. The child in no way should suffer by being returned to you without the items he/she was sent in and have to do without those items.

[kmb]

Can you send the child back to his father's in the clothes he sent him home in? It sounds like two can play his game, so save the good things for when he's with you and send him to his father's in the junk that he feels is appropriate. Send him in one outfit, let his father provide additional clothes, underwear, shoes, socks etc for him to wear when he's with him.

[danaf]

Can you send the child back to his father's in the clothes he sent him home in? It sounds like two can play his game, so save the good things for when he's with you and send him to his father's in the junk that he feels is appropriate. Send him in one outfit, let his father provide additional clothes, underwear, shoes, socks etc for him to wear when he's with him.

no no no. This is not fair or right for the child. Don't stoop to the father's level.

[twuoo]

Yeah, feels like a loose - loose for both my son and I.

If I stoop to that level, then I'm no better than the X.

Just tired of being the one to shell out all the money to clothes the child. Honestly, in terms of documentation, I don't think the FOC cares one bit.

They only care if the child is being beaten or other wise abused.

They'll see my claim, think I'm being rediculous and tell me to get lost I think.

[fltoo]

My children were 2,4 and 7 when I got divorced and OMG, it still amazes me that it was 25 years ago. It seems like just yesterday that they were babies.

So, you can imagine how many people I know that got divorced with kids over the years. I have seen the most horrible to the most loving situations and the result is in how the kids turned out.

Personally, I would never take up my precious time with pictures and documentation and such. If I have one bit of advice for a divorced parent who truly puts the child's welfare above all else, it would be............Pick your battles wisely.

On the cold weather note, call the baby's father before he comes and ask him to kindly make sure the baby has his winter coat so he doesn't get sick.

[robivi3]

I third (or fourth) the document option. Witness, video, question. Utterly sick game and you would be sick to stoop to that level. The child is not stupid, he may not be able to aanunciate but he senses, I guarrantee you, that he is being wronged. It is unimportant about the "pushing buttons", this is an abuse. Sick f*ck your ex. Sorry, just no other way to think of it.

18 years ago my wife and I seperated, I filed and things were ugly. The children were never used in any way, nor did either of us retaliate. That's ill. We reconciled eventually and have a solid marriage now, but using the boys never happened on either side. that is ill and he must be a control freak.

[Flamingo]

The child should not suffer in any divorce issues between the former spouses. In your situation, your child is suffering as to clothing issues and your ex is using your child to get at you. Reread my posting above as to documenting what is sent with your child. Make sure you give a copy of the witnessed or notarized document to your ex when the child is dropped off or picked up. Your ex will see you have noticed the situation and have others now involved who are aware of the situation. The next step is to report him to child welfare that he is not dressing the child properly when the child is returned to you. You have ammunition...use it...

[momof5]

I have to 2nd what KMB suggested although don't think of it as a game. Your little one probably doesnt even care what he is wearing. So just consider this a non issue. So many things to worry about that are so much more important.

Does your ex love your son and is he a responsible parent (besides the clothing issue)? Then that is what is important.
Bite your tongue and be the better person. Ask nicely if he could make sure to return...such and such article of clothing because thats all he has. Such as the winter coat.. " Could you do us a favor and make sure he comes home with his winter coat? He loves that coat"

I found this works wonders. It takes the focus off of the two of you and puts it on the child which is where it should be. The minute he gets wind that the coat has anything to do with you then well, you know how that goes.


My 4 oldest were 6,4,3 & 2 when I divorced. I recall clothing being an issue but as the years went buy the issues got so much bigger that I wished it was only a pair of pants to have to worry about. I have received no child support even after many judgements against him. Even that is nothing compared to the fact that my ex has not called,written or acknowledged his 4 children in 9 years or so. That has hurt them so. So when I read that at least a father is taking an active role in a childs life after divorce it makes me so happy.

But like I said, save your own sanity and do yourself one favor. PRETEND to be nice, easier said than done but do it for your little guy. A fake smile and even a 'please' and 'thank you' will be worth their weight in gold. All your lives will be so much better.

[fltoo]

Excellent advice momof5. Worked for me. I truly believe this way of handling it results in well adjusted, highly successful kids of divorce.

Flamingo, whew, I have to respectfully disagree with your advice. Continued behavior of this kind throughout a kid's life only hinders the kid's well being. I have seen it over and over again.

[twuoo]

Thanks for the above advice momof5. But here's the irony....if I ask for something to be returned, X will go out of his way to tell me to buy another.

My son has lost quite a few 'favorites'. I think that in time, he'll be able to take the initiative to retrieve his own things.

It doesn't make the waiting any easier though

Oh yes, being nice and civil is very much lost on my X, who appears to have no concept now that we are divorced.

[TEW]

My divorce was very high conflict, to put it nicely. Though really, there was no reason why it happened that way.

Anyway, my X plays games with keeping new clothes and shoes I buy. And returning the child back to me looking like a homeless person.

I keep buying stuff to cloth the child and get crap back in return after parenting time exchanges.

The child is still young, less than 5 y/o.

Do I just suck it up until the child can see what's going on for himself? It bothers me to the extend that I buy quality stuff, only to have my son returned in ill fitting, useless clothes.

The father has not purchased anything of significant value that I've seen my son returned in. I buy all the coats, boots, shoes.

It's just a game for the X as he's trying to push my buttons. I don't give him the satisfaction of reacting. But I hate that my son isn't dressed appropriately for the weather. For instance, shorts and sandals coming back to me on a 60 degree day when son was in pants and shoes. Or light fall jacket, keeping my winter coat. Stuff like that.

If I go to friend of court, then X knows he's pushed my buttons. We are not on good terms so trying to speak to him is like talking to a rock. That's an insult to rocks...sorry.

Any suggestions!?

Disconnect those buttons and you will be much happer.

[GreenInkOnPaper]

I decided when I got divorced with two sons that I would never say anything unkindly about their dad - and I hate his guts.

Now they are teenagers, and they know the score. He never did anything (that I know of) to harm them, he's just a crappy dad. And I came out the hero to my sons.