How do I retract my claws?

[jenopher]

One thing that help is to analyze, without emotion, your ex. It most likely wasn't personal, but had more to do with his own insecurities and issues. It did not make it ok to mistreat you at all. If you can look at what his childhood may have been like, it could explain a lot of his issues. After awhile you may even begin to pity that he is unable to give and receive true love. It helps get rid of the anger if you can see past your hurt and try to see what motivating factor was. Fear? insecurity? Those are usually the main culprits. It's too bad he doesn't get counseling and learn to really find out what life and love is all about. He will be the one missing out on a lot.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Southernbelle, this is just me, do what you like with it, but...

I have learned, after a situation much like yours, that I need not fear any partner; what I most need to fear is my own dishonesty.

See, it all got to where it got because I was all too willing to a) make excuses for bad behavior, b) not see what I did not want to see, c) lie to myself about what I could not quietly ignore, and d) think that saying no made me unloveable or a bad person.

All of this is MY problem, no one else's, and it's this that made me a perfect target.

Unfortunately, I also found that being too soft, getting victimized, and then getting too tough -- amazingly enough -- opened me up to the same exact victimization!!! So it was a cosmic 1/2 punch: the very rigidity with which I promised myself "never again" to the first abuser made me blind to the person with a softer approach but the same motive.

So I have learned to be very careful with myself, to own my inner b*tch , and above all, to spot my own lies, because that is always the one thing that gets you in and keeps you in.

That, and there are warning signs. Anything that happens too fast sends up red flags for me. Like twuoo said, whenever anyone says, "You're my world," or something to that effect, it's a bad sign: they need to have a life of their own, and so do I. Whenever someone is very, very close and you think there's something there, and then they suddenly withdraw for no reason that you can think of, and won't tell you why: that's the first play in a push/pull cycle, and it relies on my tendency to doubt myself before I doubt others. Someone who always goes just a *fraction* too far, stays a *minute* too long, gets a *hair* too angry... this sort of thing always has me questioning, "Is it me, or is it him?" and then I conclude it's me and get used to questioning myself and my boundaries constantly... this is another trap. Questioning yourself and your gut and your inner responses should not be the norm: if it is, it's time for me to leave.

All of this is like boiling a frog: start him off in cold water and raise the heat *very* slowly. But the thing is, once you know it's a little too warm, don't wait to see if it gets hotter! The person worth having will give you time and space if that's what you need; a sociopath can't stand that, and will rush in with all manner of blandishments to get you to warm up and capitulate as quickly as possible, to convince you once again that he can't live without you (and thus, you can't live without him), to convince you again that it's all real and the best thing that ever happened, etc. It's up to you as to how safe you make it for yourself to disbelieve. It has to be safe to say no, down in your heart of hearts, because when it's not, they pick that up very quickly.

All that, and I don't listen to words much anymore. I listen to deeds. They're much more reliable.

I could probably write a book, but you get the picture. It's not him you need be wary of; it's what lies inside yourself that made you a willing victim to it.

I know you'll figure it out.

Good luck!!!

[AngelinaCat]

I could not let this one get by. I must follow up Miss Daisy's post with this: the profile of a sociopath:

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

We have known (and tried to help) too many of them!

[FreshLikeADaisy]

That was an excellent article.

It reminded me of something Martha Stout wrote in her excellent book about sociopaths, and which I have since taken to heart -- maybe Southernbelle will find it sound advice as well. She calls it the Rule of Three (if I remember correctly); basically, it means that if you catch someone in a lie once, perhaps even twice, it could possibly be a misunderstanding or an honest mistake, perhaps simply inadvertent. But when you have caught the same person in a lie three times, it's time to split: it just doesn't get better. Since the thing that all of these nasty folks have in common is their absolutely unbelievable willingness to lie and distort, no matter the cost, it makes a lot of sense. I agree with her 100% on this.

Anyway, good luck. I know you'll figure it out. If you have what it takes to refrain from responding in kind when you had the chance (remember when you saw him, he was a jerk, and you were so tempted to rat him out to his creditors in revenge?) then you certainly have the honesty and courage to see yourself and make the changes you need. Of all the people I have ever encountered, I certainly see you as a winner. And I mean that. You have what it takes.

[Priceless ProSe]

Thread hijack, but my bro-in law is an undiagnosed sociopath/boarderline personality disorder, not a fun guy to keep around. And the family has been acting as enablers for years, no sign of change in sight.

I really havent had too many long term relationships (just this one actually), but I think fresh's post is very insightful. the only real advice I can give you is, if ur on a date or seeing someone regularly dont go on about the ex, not sexy.