Am I being a harda** ????

[arkienurse]

Oldest DD hit me with this today when I got in from work. My stepmom is going to Branson the week before school starts. She is taking my stepsister, SIL, and 2 nephews. Possibly stepsisterinlaw's mom. And they want to take DD1, but not DD2(a hyperactive rambunctious 5 yr old). After having DD1 go ask her sister(lives next door) if she could watch the little one, and being assured that nothing was going on, I gave grudging consent. Grudging because she is also going to 6 Flags the weekend before this trip, and it has been pulling hen's teeth all summer to get this teenager to do anything. Then just a bit ago, I looked at her summer band schedule and low and behold, if she goes on this trip she will be missing a day of band practice.
So I called my mom back and told her DD probably wasn't going. My mom has made me feel guilty, saying things like " this is our last chance this summer to get away with the kids" " she has all school year for band, it wont hurt her to miss for this"
I have always told my kids " you made the commitment, you arent' going to back out just because something better comes along" And we have carried through with that for the most part. Occasionally, there will be a conflict between activities. In that case we usually chose the one that is closest to being over- like in fall, there is sometimes conflict between afterschool band and dance class- we chose band because dance is just starting, and band is almost over. Then in the spring, softball and dance. usually unless it is a game, dance wins over softball practice as dance recital is just around the corner.

so what would you do?

[cool33097]

I totally understand you point of view but I agree with grandma. She has all year for the band. I don't think you are being hard, its the way you think (and believe) things needs to be (done). Good luck.

[Flamingo]

What happened here is that you gave permission before "checking the calendar" which always gets us moms in trouble! Had you had the calendar in hand prior to giving permission, the blow may not have been that hard but we all know how hard it is when family gets involved in trying to break rules. With your permission everyone got excited and then the rug gets pulled out. Of course you feel bad. Your problem here is that if you give in you broke the rule you initially set as to their commitment to activities. But you do state that you have run into a few conflicts and allowed the better choice.

In this situation, what I would do is that since she would only miss "one" day of practice, I would allow her to go. If she were to miss a substantial portion of a practice, I don't think I would allow her to go as your family could have checked with you previously as to the kids' activity calendars as to any activities or practices prior to school starting to schedule any outings, especially if they had those activites and practices in the past.

[liz417]

Hi there,

I think you "jumped the gun" before checking your calendar, so I would say (just this once), YES, let her go. It will be a nice trip for everyone before school starts

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Arkienurse, I agree, let her go because YOU made the commitment, even if uninformed... but I have to say, if I were in your shoes, I'd make absolutely certain she knew why I was so reluctant to let her go, and I would set the condition that her attendance at this event is entirely contingent on her continued cooperation with you in all other matters. I don't think I would make it unconditional permission: I think I would make it clear that while I did consent (before I knew all the facts) I reserve the right to withdraw that permission at any time, based on how helpful she is prior to going. I would have no problem with looking her in the eye and saying, "Six Flags has been arranged for a long time, and yes, you are going to that if you'd like. But Branson is bonus, and you're going to have to earn it with ME if you want to be able to go to both."

Keep in mind that I am assuming this is an older teenager; if it's a younger one, say 13 instead of 16, this might be too harsh. But if she's 15 or older, she's going to be thinking about getting a job soon, and... well, you know how well that particular sense of entitlement goes over in the workplace, I'm sure. Laziness and contrariness are not the best means to advancement and reward.

I have a soon-to-be 16 year old nephew who has the same issues, and it's a constant battle, with him always pushing to see how far he can go and me having to be ever alert to make sure I don't inadvertently encourage rebellion by accidentally rewarding it: that just makes the behavior ten times worse. So I have to tell you that I too would not feel good about what is basically a reward for less-than-acceptable behavior, and no, I don't think you're being a hard ass.

But if you have to be a hard ass, be good at what you do. Good luck!!!

[rfassett]

Life is all about compromises. Tell the grandparents to cut the trip one day short and everybody gets to eat their respective cake.

[arkienurse]

She supposedly checked the schedule and had nothing. Everyone at works says to let her go, so I guess I will.
One friend say since she lied to me about checking her schedule, that I should make her chose between the trip with grandma and the trip with the youth group to 6 flags, "since she was dishonest with me"

Thanks for the input, it is hard to look from the outside sometimes.

[momof5]

I couldnt help but notice the part were you daughter arranged childcare for her sister. Does she watch the little one while you are at work? If so, then I think that was quite a responsible way of helping you so that she could go.

I always reward my older ones for watching the little one. They only get one summer vacation a year. I remember when I was in school it was ALWAYS the highlight of my life. They should be able to do as much as possible. Little vacations provided by Grandparents are a gift for parents and a memory maker for children.

[JRScott]

If its such a last opportunity to take the kids out one last time this summer, why are they leaving the 5 year old behind, seems kinda shallow.

Personally I probably wouldn't have let her go on the grounds they refused to take the 5 year old.

I'd call the band teacher and see if it will be an issue her missing that practice.

[jenopher]

I'd be thrilled if any of my kids relatives wanted to spend extra quality time by taking them on a trip. I say let her go bond with family. She, and you, are very lucky to have that option. It's family for crying out loud, I know the band is important, but it waill always be there, family may not.

[jenopher]

They do spend time with my kids too. We are military and we move a lot, so we don't always have the extended family option. When we get the option, we jump at it and all other activities fall by the wayside. Nothing is more important to me than my kids having a relationship with extended family.

[arkienurse]

I couldnt help but notice the part were you daughter arranged childcare for her sister. Does she watch the little one while you are at work? If so, then I think that was quite a responsible way of helping you so that she could go.

I always reward my older ones for watching the little one. They only get one summer vacation a year. I remember when I was in school it was ALWAYS the highlight of my life. They should be able to do as much as possible. Little vacations provided by Grandparents are a gift for parents and a memory maker for children.

Well, the arranging part was we told her she could go if her older sister could watch the little one. We didn't make her go ask, but she volunteered to go.
Yes she watches her, and it is really hard to get her a break because of how I have been working lately. Thank goodness for stepdaughter next door.

[arkienurse]

If its such a last opportunity to take the kids out one last time this summer, why are they leaving the 5 year old behind, seems kinda shallow.

Personally I probably wouldn't have let her go on the grounds they refused to take the 5 year old.

I'd call the band teacher and see if it will be an issue her missing that practice.

Actually, if you knew my 5 year old you would understand. The have always taken her camping for spring break and again during the summer. Both girls have been going since they were, 2 I think. But the little one is so hyper- can't sit still, won't listen half the time, etc. I really don't fault them for that, just made my life easier if she went with them. And the other kids, 2 nephews and my stepbrother are all teenage also so there wouldn't be anyone her age.

For instance, I have to go right now because she is on her knees bouncing on her bed again, even though she has been in trouble a few hundred times in the past few months for this- everysince she figured out she could stand up on the bed and just sit down from a standing position, and it bounced without her actually "bouncing on the bed"

[arkienurse]

Well, just got off the phone with my mom and they have decided not to go, after this hubbub. Not because of my hardheadedness, but something has come up on their end, probably has to do with my stepsister's job.

But she still has 6Flags to look forward to. And she came home from band practice today with a trumpet solo. They are doing the Blues Brothers this year.

And yes, family is important, wasn't necessarily thinking about that angle, as they see grandparents/cousins every week.

[JRScott]

Sorry in the end it didn't work out. Maybe you can have a picnic close to home