Debt and Stress in Marriage

[arkienurse]

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I would push again for marriage counseling. If he will not go, go alone. They can help you to sort through what you need to do. I feel for you and will be praying for you hon.

[Flamingo]

Had a verbally and physically abusive husband in my first marriage of 15 years so I understand where you are coming from; I left when I realized my life could be in danger and it was the best step I ever made (we all live in denial at some point in our lives); but alcohol played a major part in his abusiveness and no one could get him cleaned up. Finances can send any marriage into a tailspin. If you can work beyond your emotions and physically put together a spreadsheet of your finances as to what is going in and what is going out and actually attempt to sit down with your husband and try go actually see what is occuring that is causing all the grief, it is a good first step. Having something in hand to show instead of argue about might make him look at the entire picture. Unfortunately, after rereading your first post, it appears there are other things causing stress in your marriage on top of finances. Somehow you need to put this all in some sort of perspective and make a decision, either between both of your or via a counselor. A lot of the time it takes an outside source to actually get the picture in front of a spouse's face as to what is going on and that it is really both of you at fault, not one person. Men are brought up not to show emotion, be strong and be the provider. When that is threatened, they blame everyone else but themselves.

I hope you can work things out and get it out on the table and resolved....best of luck to you!

[AngelinaCatHub]

Thanks it means a lot --you really have no idea. I guess my guilt over the debt has made me take way more crap then I should have. I have always been the one in control of the finances and bills so I blame myself for having failed so miserably.

Taking a honest look at my situation is hard because not only do I feel like a failure with the finances but a failure in my marriage. Flushing 28 years down to the toilet is hard for me.

He may have left again like he did in Jan. Not sure. But I am not calling him. If he cant pull it together and help me with this than so be it. Must be nice to just walk away.

I have never walked away but he has and it seems as though he has tonight.

He has to understand that being the one dealing with this is stressful. I have spent hours researching options. And was researching last night and he threw that in my face that I would rather be in front of the computer than with him OMG how funny is that.

If I had the money I would hire a lawyer and throw the computer in the trash.

Gymbo and Sharlie:

You both have similar situations. Sharlie seems to be a bit worse. Sharlie, as a man I’m going to tell you something: Your marriage is already broken. The Cialis is a tip off as well as the verbal and mental abuse. To tell you of your Mother stepping out 20 years ago whether true or not was plainly aimed to damage you. It is a man’s responsibility to bring home the bread, but in some cases that isn’t always right. Due to my health issues, Mom Cat works a bit part time and I need an operation that I can’t pay the co pay for. I’m not supposed to lift anything but I do. I have a bad hernia due to previous surgeries.
In my opinion, your pain is more about your now bad marriage than the money. That only amplifies the problem. If he will not go to counseling, I know why. I’ve never been PHYSICALLY abusive to my first wife, but we had no common ground after 23 years. I’ve been there, done that. I would not go to counseling for two reasons, one your husband mentioned. He is wrong and does not want the counselor to tell him that, but he knows. Secondly, he does not want to fix your marriage. I hope I am wrong but I am seeing through your words more than you are seeing in writing them. Remember this is only my opinion and many may not agree, but if I were in your boat, I first would get the marriage problem out of the way. I see divorce in your future. If not sooner, later. Address a C7 not a 13, and get on your own feet. I hope this does not sound harsh. I am attempting to be realistic coming from my side as a transgressor. That is all behind me now and I am able to admit how wrong I was to my former wife. I have never cheated on my wonderful wife of now 20 years. Time does not make a marriage, it prolongs the agony. Both my daughters now 44 and 43 told me over 20 years ago, that they knew I was miserable with my first wife. They knew I was lashing out at her, and they were pleased that we had divorced for both our sakes. It is amazing what other people observe from a distance. Forgive my rambling, but your story strike close to the bone with me. ‘Hub

[Flamingo]

I agree with you Mr. Hub...great post. The Cialis is her tip off but we all know about denial...But you always try to fix something if it's broken; if the glue won't hold after the repair attempt, then you toss it out...

[Frogge]

Men are brought up not to show emotion, be strong and be the provider. When that is threatened, they blame everyone else but themselves.

This is exactly true in my situation, we've moved across the country twice in two years trying to find the place where my husband feels the most secure taking care of his family. We've finally found it here at this home, but the damage done to get here is pretty big.

I also want to say, that my husband will demean me sometimes in the heat of the argument, or when he feels threatened.. but he knows it and feels badly. I know this doesn't make it RIGHT, but I know how he was raised and he's not anything like his dad, thank God.

The key I've always lived by with us is this question --"do the good times outway the bad?" So far the answer is "YES". I believe if I ever can't say yes -- and we've come close in the past 2 years -- that I have to reevaluate why I stick around.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Mrs. Cat and I have lived by these two Credos for 20 years. First: Happiness is a state of mind. You make what your day will be by choice. Second: You negotiate your marriage every day. It is a new agreement to love each other and hold your tongue when the other makes a mistake. For if you don’t, you double the mistake by ridicule. 'Hub

[AngelinaCatHub]

The key I've always lived by with us is this question --"do the good times outway the bad?"

Very good. However, there comes a time when "you cross the Rubicon". To be continuously belittled is not only spouse abuse, but self abuse. The way I look at it, is if I called my wife a stupid B*tch, who have I hurt? Myself as she is 1/2 of ME. A marriage is not two individuals. It is two people that compose 1/2 of a marriage and to make it work compromise must be addressed.

[Lacy]

Lacy I tried to get my husband to go for counseling before we started getting the lawsuits but he refused. He said he doesnt need anyone telling him that he is wrong.

Well wasn't sure what this "Cialis " was but had a feeling what it was. So I googled it and my feeling was right. You been married to this man for 28 years so if anyone knows him it is you. If your gut feeling is telling you something here, more than likely it is right.



On the councling if he isn't willing to go I really think you should check into it for yourself. Because it really sounds that you may need it with all that you are going through. If you have no insurance there are places you can go that will do it on a income bases. Or will let you pay whatever you think you can.. like through churches. I know this because I just recently started going to councling myself.



I really wish you all the best with all this...hugs

[danaf]

I agree with CatHub on this subject. Get your life back - whatever that entails. And then think about filing bk7 to help with the fresh start. And btw - you can go see a therapist on your own. Sounds to me like doing so would help you. Your hubby is on a downward spiral and he's taking you for the ride. Get off the rollar-coaster and move forward with your life. Might seem scary now but you'll be glad you did so in the future. Good luck to you.

[sharlie]

Thanks
My son told me that if I filed Chapter 7 that I would lose my trailor and 3/4 acre. The trailor is 28 years old and paid for. Its not a mansion but its home. I really need to talk to a lawyer.

You all have given great advice. It seems as though he has told me I am crazy for so long that after a while I think maybe I am. But I know he will lie and take it to his grave instead of standing up like a man admitting his wrong doing.

For him its easier to lie and be abusive than to say he is sorry. He is the type that even if I had pictures and video of the act he would turn it around and say I wasnt seeing what I saw.

All I know is I am tired of my days and nights running in to one with no peace. If that makes sense.

He came home around 1 last night but has been gone all day.

If I could file chapter 7 and keep my home I would tell him that is what we are doing or else. I really dont understand the prosess and none of my searches have helped. I think in Louisiana the total I can have is 15000 in exemptions but if my home is over that I cant file chapter 7 right? The trailor is old probably not worth much but the 3/4 acre is where the value would be but not really sure what its worth.

Again I thank each and everyone that shared and was honest with me . I need honesty. I dont want anything sugar coated. I think in a way either I am naive or plain stupid and I REALLY need soemone to read my story and give their honest opinion on what they think. Its like I know but I doubt myself and need an objective person to give it to me straight.

BIG hug to all

[AngelinaCatHub]

Sharlie, that is your homestead. Later I will check the LA law on that but I am certain they cannot kick you out of your house. We have a paid for house and land, in FL but we are C7. Your husband is a quintessential Sociopath. Please go to this link http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html and you will see what you are married to. I'll bet you a silver dollar you can pick out every trait that is listed. I know, my father was one.

'Hub

[sharlie]

Wow that is a way better site decribing the behavior than I have found. When I first started thinking that he had a behavior problem I flipped between narcissism and Sociopath but seems from what the site states he can have both.
What is so hard when dealing with these type people is that when the good is good it is very very believing but it doesnt last.

You shocked me that you saw in the postings that I posted what I have suspected for a while. Whats odd is that while he has always been an habitual liar I never saw the extreme nature of his behavior until his back was against the wall. Maybe because during our marriage I was busy raising my kids who were sick a lot with ashma. Or maybe I was in denial.

But I thank you for being honest -----and giving your opinion and the link you shared. I am gonna go back and read it in more detail.

Thanks

Sharlie, that is your homestead. Later I will check the LA law on that but I am certain they cannot kick you out of your house. We have a paid for house and land, in FL but we are C7. Your husband is a quintessential Sociopath. Please go to this link http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html and you will see what you are married to. I'll bet you a silver dollar you can pick out every trait that is listed. I know, my father was one.

'Hub