Debt and Stress in Marriage

[sharlie]

My Husband and I have had 2 lawsuits served to us in less than 6 months. My marriage of 28 years is falling apart. He blames me and I blame me. He is verbally abusive and so angry but wont help me deal with all this I deal with it on my own. How does a marriage survive? Anyone else going through stressful times. Our marriage was already on thin ice when he came home after working 900 miles away from home and while going through his suitcase found Cialis but of course it was for a friend but was in his name. Yeah I know I am an open book. But these days I have no shame and nothing to hide. Feeling pretty low and he wont file Bankruptcy because he says he wont get clearance in the Nucleur Power plants and will lose his job. He never works at the same plant for any longer than a few months. But I am sure if we get a judgement against us he wont get clearance either. Pretty mentally exhausted here and feeling very lonely and depressed. Sorry for sharing to those that roll your eyes at my openess but it helped me to get it out somthing that I dont do and keeping it in is driving me nuts.
Thanks

[AngelinaCat]

Sharlie:

Welcome to this wonderful Forum: Here are threads to your concerns exactly. God Bless you:

http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.php?t=26365

http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.php?t=26386

You will find that you are very much among friends here.


Love and Our Best to You~~~

[justplaintired]

Sharlie, Don't ever feel bad for coming in here and venting, all of us do it. That perfectly ok too.

Quit blaming yourself first and foremost. At this point doesn't really matter who did what, now it's time to accept the situation and find a way to solve it. He needs to help figure this out. It's a marriage and whether he likes it or not your both in financial trouble. His blaming you is a cop out, he doesn't want to deal with so it's easier to blame you. Who's name is on the lawsuit? His, yours or both?

Verbal abuse is awful, been there done that. Don't let it bring you down. Pick yourself up. See someone if you need to. Find a friend who will listen. But don't let him blame you.

Good luck Sharlie and you're never alone on this forum. Facing BK can be tough on a couple. Accepting your situation is the first step and right now your DH is in denial.

[sharlie]

Thanks AngelinaCat for the links
and thanks justplaintired for understanding my need to vent.
His blow ups come out of nowheres. One day he is saying how much he loves me and then the next he blows up tells me how he is gonna die a poor man and that its easy for me to just go out and find another. Today he went off big time. Telling me how I was f$%ked up in my head and how I was this and that and I didnt even start the fight he did. It all started because I went to my Parents and asked for help and they told me no. So he tells me how my Mom had an affair with his boss over 20 years ago . I didnt react in anger or upset because I have only the energy to handle what I have to I cant deal with anything else ....Well that night he was in the mood and I wasnt--omg I cant believe I am typing this but it is what it is. He got furious and lost it. And the verbal abuse is wearing me down BIG TIME

[bmrigs]

Thanks AngelinaCat for the links
and thanks justplaintired for understanding my need to vent.
His blow ups come out of nowheres. One day he is saying how much he loves me and then the next he blows up tells me how he is gonna die a poor man and that its easy for me to just go out and find another. Today he went off big time. Telling me how I was f$%ked up in my head and how I was this and that and I didnt even start the fight he did. It all started because I went to my Parents and asked for help and they told me no. So he tells me how my Mom had an affair with his boss over 20 years ago . I didnt react in anger or upset because I have only the energy to handle what I have to I cant deal with anything else ....Well that night he was in the mood and I wasnt--omg I cant believe I am typing this but it is what it is. He got furious and lost it. And the verbal abuse is wearing me down BIG TIME

Sorry to hear about your stressful situation. Your husband is lashing out at you because he is hating himself right now. Be patient but be careful for your safety.

[Frogge]

Sharlie, first of all.. *HUGS* to you.

If you read my thread that the wonderful Ms. AngelinaCat posted, you see... I'm in a similar situation and I want you to know YOU are not alone. My husband sounds similar to yours in that he lashed out and tries to demean me emotionally as a way to vent his anger/fear/frustration..

This forum is a HUGE blessing for anyone going through what is definitely one of the hardest times in our lives.

You are in a good place here, there are LOTS of great people here going through similar troubles. Glad you're here, too. Feel free to vent all you want, we're all here for each other. Keep you chin up.

[Lacy]

Sorry to hear what you are going through right now...I know it has to be rough with everything that's going on. Have you thought of maybe seeking out marriage councling ?


Best wishes to you !

[sharlie]

Lacy I tried to get my husband to go for counseling before we started getting the lawsuits but he refused. He said he doesnt need anyone telling him that he is wrong.

[notsoHappyMomma]

I am sorry, Sharlie. My DH tends to blow up as well. Finally, he did say he just feels like a total failure...that a man's purpose is to provide for his family...and he feels he has failed terribly. I told him that regardless of those feelings, I would not allow him to mentally and emotionally attack me. That he needed to learn to cope properly....taking out his feelings of failure on me only hurts me and makes me feel like more of a failure. ( I am also acknowledging his feelings of failure and trying to reassure him that he is not the failure he thinks he is.) The bottom line is...you are worth more than to be treated like a common canine. This situation is stressful on you both...and he needs to realize that. Placing blame right now does no good.

Has dh always been prone to blow up and verbally demean you or is it recent? I am sorry...I know what it is like to feel lonely. I am new here as well, but have found everyone to be so nice....so vent away! Sometimes just getting everything out helps so much! And, it is easy to be transparent on a keyboard!

Hugs...Momma

[sharlie]

Actually his mood swings started after working away from home 900 miles away.

When he came home from last trip I found a prescrition that he had filled in another state 2 days after leaving home for Cialis. When I confronted him he said that it was for us . I asked him if it was for us why did he wait 2 days after leaving home to get it filled . He said that he had gotten the prescrition but never had it filled until he left because he didnt have the money. Then he changed story and said that he was going to the doctor one day and one of the guys that travels with him asked him if he would get him the Cialis and he did.He said he lied the first time about it because he knew I wouldn't believe him. He said over and over that when he left home that it was the first time that it had ever been filled but I didnt believe him. I questioned him a million and one times and he still said that it had only been filled once. Well I lied and told him that I was calling the drug store and asking them for a print out for insurance purposes which of course I couldnt really do because of the privacy act. He still wouldnt admit that it had been filled before just got mad and hung up on me. We didnt talk for days. When I did talk to him I said well I know the truth --all he said was his friend had the prescrption and he didnt know how many times it had been filled ---lies lies lies --I found out that it had also been filled once 6mnths before he had it fiilled when he had left. But if it was for his friend and the drug is about 160 bucks why did he come home with the bottle? I guess he thinks I am stupid. Not sure exactly how many times it was filled .

The money problems just added to his attitude. He left last Jan for 2 weeks and I really thought that maybe I could forgive without an apology from him because OMG when I would tell him how I felt about the Cialis he would call me all kinds of names---tell me I needed mental help..........It was like I had no right to question him at all.

It is 12:00 here and he still hasnt come home .
I am pretty much to the point to where he is either gonna get over it or he isnt.


Pretty much the way he expected me to get over the Cialis.

So the debt has been a black cloud over our heads for a few years but so has his affair and his denial .

I hope I havent embarrassed anyone but I need to vent.I have no embarrasment over my post maybe I should .

I have been at the low point of having thoughts of suicide and I REFUSE to go back there.

I am the one frying my brain trying to answer these suits on my own and file them. I wish I didnt have to deal with them but someone has too.

[gymbo]

Sharlie, Huge, huge, huge hugs to you.
I'm so very sad for you.
I also have relationship issues, which I've spilled on this board as well, but as much as I get frustrated with my husband, at the end of the day I know I can trust him to be faithful (can't always trust him to be responsible but I won't go off on that again) and early on in our relationship he called me a name... and I told him the fastest way to get rid of me was to do that again. Never happened again.

I would never tell anyone to walk away from 28 years of marriage, but you need to take a real honest look at your situation. NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. The world can be a cold, hard place and "home" is supposed to be where the people are who love you the most. Not the ones who cause you the grief.

You will make it through this and you will be stronger in the end
We are here for you.

[sharlie]

Thanks it means a lot --you really have no idea. I guess my guilt over the debt has made me take way more crap then I should have. I have always been the one in control of the finances and bills so I blame myself for having failed so miserably.

Taking a honest look at my situation is hard because not only do I feel like a failure with the finances but a failure in my marriage. Flushing 28 years down to the toilet is hard for me.

He may have left again like he did in Jan. Not sure. But I am not calling him. If he cant pull it together and help me with this than so be it. Must be nice to just walk away.

I have never walked away but he has and it seems as though he has tonight.

He has to understand that being the one dealing with this is stressful. I have spent hours researching options. And was researching last night and he threw that in my face that I would rather be in front of the computer than with him OMG how funny is that.

If I had the money I would hire a lawyer and throw the computer in the trash.

[gymbo]

I hope he comes home soon and helps you deal with this like an adult.
Leaving you wondering what is going on is unfair.

So sorry this is happening. But, like I've posted before, my husband insisted on being "in charge" of the bills - and when I realized what a mess he was in, I did not blame him (OK maybe a little), I was mostly mad he did not talk to me when it became obvious there was a problem. But I was mostly mad at myself for not being more involved in the finances. I was walking around in lala land while the world was crumbling.

Even if you are the one who pd the bills, that does not mean this is your fault. Every once in a while he should have asked to sit down and go over everything (just like I should have).

It's not your fault. If he is cheating (and you don't know if he really is) it may be because it sounds like he equates you with the financial failures, and as others on this forum have pointed out, men have a lot of difficulty with financial failures since they often feel its their "job" to provide for the family. My point is, don't feel rejected. And don't jump to conclusions.
And keep your head up.

Keep us posted.

[fltoo]

Your marital issues on top of the financial issues must be very difficult for all of you.

But, all of you sound like very capable women, so hang in there and take care of yourselves.

[JRScott]

Well I'm sorry to hear about this, it is always sad to hear of folks who have been married so long having such troubles. I wish I had more experience, sadly I've not found anyone that would marry me yet. I suppose I can be thankful for not having found the wrong one.

As far as his security clearance that can be denied more easily for someone with large debt especially with a bad credit report than for just bankruptcy. The thought there is someone with large debt that can't pay it might be more tempted to sell our his employer for the right amount.

It is difficult to tell you what to do. I think for now prayer might be the best thing. Pray that the Lord might soften his heart, let him see what has happened, pray to forgive him for his faults, pray that he might understand the problems at hand, pray that he might forgive you as well. I know it sometimes doesn't seem like much but sometimes as we pray we have glimmers of ideas that can help.

I do hope he returns soon to help resolve the issues.