Need advice on supervised visitation - can anyone help?

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Hey all!

I know this isn't divorce&custody.com, BUT everyone here is always so full of help and pointers that I figured I'd ask you all first.

I have a dear, dear friend who went through a divorce three years ago... you know, the kind that never ends. The ex-wife (whom I have also known well for almost 20 years) is, in a word, a sociopath. She is doing everything in her power, without restraint, to keep this man from seeing his child, even filing a false allegation of assault to have him thrown in jail and thus reduce his chances for custody.

Let's just say, it's bad. Given that he loves his child more than his own breath and is truly a good man in his own right, it has been horrible to have to stand by helpless while this ex-from-hell slanders and destroys anything and everything she can reach in his life. This guy is one of the most gentle souls I have ever met, I have known him for 20 years, and it is one of the most evil, despicable wars I have ever seen anyone wage against another human being. I should add that when I was down and out, at my very lowest, this guy and his fiancee were always there for me, in ways that STILL blow my mind with their kindness and compassion, and I have never, in all these 20 years, ever seen anything even remotely like the accusations she hurls at him freely today.

But here's the deal: Last year, he finally went back to court to get some relief and some court-ordered visitation, because the ex reneged on every visitation arrangement she agreed to. The judge who has been listening to this long saga in family court for the last eight months now has seen and heard enough to get a clue, and has now flatly ordered the ex-wife to allow supervised visits, which were to have started this coming weekend. My friend moved to another city in the state (NC) after the divorce, but it's close enough so that he and his new fiancee can travel to the ex-wife's town for visitation fairly easily.

The problem? There is no one locally he knows well enough anymore to ask to supervise the visits, and the very few friends he has left, the ex-wife has had restraining orders issued against (she tried to enlist them to her cause, they sided with him, she retaliated with slander and court proceedings). It's a mess.

Does anyone here know how he can find a supervisor for his visitation, local to the city his ex lives in, for cheap or for free, and quick? He doesn't belong to a church or anything like that, the court declined to appoint a guardian ad litem for the kid, and the ex cut off his ties to other friends and people long before they were even divorced, so he's really out of local options unless we can come up with some ideas of who to call for a volunteer or even paid supervisor.

No serious suggestion is too stupid. This Saturday will be the first time in six months that he has even been able to see or speak with his child (the ex won't even allow phone calls, even if recorded), it was at least six months prior to that when he saw or spoke with his child the last time, and I would hate to see him lose this LONG awaited visitation on what amounts to a technicality. I know he can't be the first guy to be in the situation, so if anyone has seen or knows of how this has been handled in similar situations, we'd all be so grateful. Feel free to post or pm.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions!!!

[DisneyGirl]

I don't have any experience with this but I just googled "supervised visitation" and got a list of places that offer their services all over the country. I know it wouldn't be someone he knows and it may cost but he could try that route?

I wish him much luck and I hope he gets to see his child.

[Bobby'sGirl]

I'm in Indiana, but...

Several of our local communities have grouped resources for a
"family house" for just such supervised visits so ex's need not even have contact on drop off/pick up and have trained volunteers available for onsite visits. Our local library and mental health agencies have listings of social services available in the area (I helped compile the current list for the library) that have been distributed to churches and schools, so that might be a jumping off point for him to at least get an idea of what is around. Maybe a few calls to an area youth minister might get the ball rolling if something needs doing more quickly. Or a child psychologist or social worker in the community could be enlisted for the first visits, especially if the ex has been lying about him to the child and could help in the transition. Best of luck to your friend.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Oh, y'all are the BEST. These are exactly the sort of ideas we were looking for! I feel kinda stupid -- I didn't even try googling -- but when I get upset I don't think straight. So I come here, and you all always help.

Thank you so, so much!!! And if you happen to be praying folk, please do keep them in your prayers. Thanks again!

Daisy

[BK2008]

I think the courts also have a liason that will supervise, an 'impartial' person, if you will. He should call family court that handles her case and ask about it. It seems it would be nominal, if a no cost arrangement.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Bk2008, that sounds like a great idea if it's available. I will certainly pass this on. Thank you!!!

[danaf]

Boy does this scenario bring back memories as I was married to someone who had a daughter and her mother did everything in her power to limit visitations....although your friends scenario sounds much worse. I'm surpised that the court did not provide institutions that offer supervised visitations - there are plenty out there. What about one of your friends parents? That is the deal my ex had - his father came along and acted as he supervisor. Or what about calling the family court in the town she lives in and finding out if there are any places that offer supervised visitations at a low cost. I know they are out there.

Not a great suggestion as she'd probably object (to one of his parents acting as supervisor). But something else I can offer is a website that was a godsend to me at the time.....http://www.deltabravo.net/. It may not help him with this immediate need, but it will help him in the long run - to be able to talk about it, to be able to identify with others in similar situations, and hopefully strategize for the future.

The sad fact about people like this mother is that she is purposefully alienating the child from her father. This should be illegal but the 'golden egg' is a tough battle to fight. That's why when I divorced, I remarried someone with no children. I could not handle this type of baggage. But I do empathize - having lived through it and seen the pain it caused both my ex-husband and my ex step daughter (who was a wonderful child).

[epiphany]

Bk2008, that sounds like a great idea if it's available. I will certainly pass this on. Thank you!!!

ah, Daisy..I am so sorry! you have already been given suggestions to google and find a visitation supervisor for hire but I have to ask this as well....

Can your friend not fight for unsupervised visitation or is there something keeping him from that? I am not looking for the specifics but there is usually a reason that supervison has been ordered.

I dunno (i know nothing) but am just asking a question which you don't need to answer but may want to consider if you haven't already.

I wish you both the best,

ep

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Danaf, I looked over that website and it looks *excellent* -- I've already passed it on to them. Thanks so much!!!

Epiphany, good question. Unfortunately, there is a mountain of false accusation involved in this: if you throw enough mud, some of it will surely stick. That's what this woman has done. And I know her well; she is VERY believable. If I had not read some of her internet postings with my own eyes, where she detailed horrendous stories of rape and torture and abuse that were supposed to have taken place during a period of time when I and many other people were in and out of their house regularly, even living with them for a short period of time, I would have still had my doubts.

Here's an example. Before things got bad, they were a very social couple and always had people in and out of their house. Several people had keys to the house, including myself, and if anyone they knew ever needed a place to stay they were always welcome to hang out there. We came and went as we pleased. I stayed a few weeks myself when I first moved to town. There was no corner of the house I never saw, and everything was very open. I even did their laundry a few times to help out -- I have literally seen their underwear. Imagine having friends as dear and close as that and then ten years later, reading on the 'net that it was a chamber of horrors, where he locked her up for days at a time and hit her and abused her, etc. Impossible. It was a RARE day when only the family was at home! People were in and out all the time. Not only did I NEVER see a bruise or any other marks of violence, I never even saw much discontent. There is just simply NO way.

For instance, she alleges now that in 1996, he hit her in the face and broke her jaw. But in 1996, I was in and out of their house almost every day, and not only did she have no bruises, she never said anything about having a broken jaw, she never so much as said that her jaw hurt, never got it x-rayed or went to the hospital for it, and -- get this -- she talks constantly. She talked constantly back then. There is just no way she could have hidden a broken jaw from me and all the other people that were in and out of the house back then. But now, when he wants to see his daughter and has gone to court to try to get court-ordered visitation, suddenly she remembers he broke her jaw in 1996. Multiply this particular accusation by 200, and you'll get a sense of the magnitude of her insanity, and what she is willing to inflict in order to avoid what she perceives to be defeat.

I already knew that much of what she was saying was crap, but after I read those long ranting posts of hers (and they were indeed hers: her writing style, her email address, too much personally identifying content not to be) that hammered the final nail in my own mind. I now have no doubt that he is just as innocent as he has always maintained. Keep in mind that I never SAW anything that would make me think he was abusing anyone, but just those repeated accusations, over and over, had me wondering. Until I saw those internet postings. That was the final straw for me. For years, our lives were literally inseparable, and now she she's saying that it was all a little shop of horrors? It is just not humanly possible.

In addition, she has gone out of her way to create situations that would enable her to press criminal charges against him. For instance, just Thursday she sent him an email that, in part, demanded that this court ordered supervised visitation take place at her house, and he was to be there at 10am yesterday. I saw it, he forwarded it to me. (They like to get my opinion on her communications.) Problem? She has a restraining order against him (again, based on false accusations) and the second he showed up she would have had him arrested: email or not, a restraining order trumps everything. And she knows this, which is exactly why she sent the email. Not only that, but if all the horrific things she said to obtain the restraining order were true, then how did it all suddenly get better to the point that she is comfortable having him in her house, with her child?

Imagine the smartest, most creative person you ever knew losing their sanity and conscience because they could not bear the thought of "losing". That's her. It's horrible beyond words.

He's such a good guy that he used to fall for those traps she laid, because all he wanted was to see his child... fortunately, he's learned better now. I'm only sorry it has taken an arrest and several court dates to get to this point.

But in the end, with so many accusations, the court is obligated to decline unsupervised visitation. In the beginning, he *had* unsupervised visitation -- which he never actually got to have because every time a visit was scheduled she would refuse it at the last moment on one pretext or another -- and these wild accusations really only started AFTER he finally went to court to get a court-ordered visitation agreement. In NC, divorcing spouses are allowed to work out property settlements and custody arrangements outside the court and official divorce proceedings; it only goes to court if it's contentious. This is why it went on so long before he took her back to court: he kept hoping and believing she would live up to her agreements. She never did, and here they are.

Trust me, I've considered it.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Only my 2 cents worth probably worth only 2 cents, but "Daisy", I have known sociopathic people. They can charm you to death while stabbing you in the back and you would smile while they do it.

Hire an off duty (female preferred) police officer. Not only the fact that the person is an officer of the State, but the intimidation factor may bring about some softening of the 'socio', and if handled right, not scare the child. That is the reason for it to be a female out of uniform but with badge and his order from the Court. Remember....I said it was only 2 cents worth. 'Hub

[danaf]

Ephiph - what Daisy's friend is going through is unfortunately very common and like I said - it is very difficult to penetrate the 'golden egg' - especially in court. The mother is using the child to hurt the father by doing & saying anything she can. It is absolutely disgusting and I always thought that if I ever became a lawyer, I'd specialize in this area because the children deserve not to be pawns and the fathers need a voice. I'm surprised this woman hasn't used the 'sexual abuse' accusations yet.

Sadly - this is a war and Daisy's friend needs to think strategically at this point and hopefully he has the funds to hire someone who has a specialization in this area. If he can prove parental alienation syndrome he might have a chance at winning custody but it will be a very long & expensive battle with no guarantee of winning.

Daisy - I'm glad you think the site will be helpful him. Insofar as I know it is the best one out there for your friend's situation - it may even be the only one out there. In the meantime, your friend can think creatively in trying to show his daughter how much he loves her. For ex., try to call her at home when the mother isn't there, sending flowers to her at school with a special note, starting a website dedicated to her and explaining everything that's going on (I like this idea the best). And tell him to keep the faith. In time, hopefully his child will see her mother for the lunatic & liar she is and will gravitate towards the father.

[epiphany]

Understood Daisy. (and Dana). I am only sorry that you have to deal with this. Proof positive that there is indeed evil in this world.

I know some evil people but none who have enough power over me to make a real difference. I wish I could help but I racked my pea brain and I have nothing.

I sincerely wish your friend (and you) all the best and hope that the white hats triumph. Please keep us posted. I would love to see a happy ending to this...ie... her ass in a straight jacket.

ep

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Thanks y'all. Believe it or not, you've already helped a great deal.

The biggest hell about dealing with a sociopath is that their behavior is SOOOOO unbelievable that sane people who have never dealt with the full force of a truly evil person invariably conclude that no, it can't really be that bad, there must be more to it, where there's smoke there's fire, etc. Even I did for a while. So not only do you have this tremendous evil directed toward you personally, you end up being incredibly isolated because you can't talk about it: if you do dare to reveal the extent of the situation, people tend to back up. And you can't blame them, really.

But take for instance the email I described: anyone who wasn't familiar with her would think that it was GREAT that she invited him over for visitation and even take it as a very positive sign, becoming very confused when he turned it down. Most people just can't believe someone would deliberately be that evil, even when the proof is staring them in the face. It's very hard to dance around all that in social situations -- even a question like, "What have you been up to lately?" can be tricky! -- so you end up spending a lot of time alone. Add to that the fact that you just get SOOOOO worn down, and the isolation becomes almost complete.

But you all have listened and helped and given your love and support to a guy you don't even know. You have no idea how much that means. And if you are praying folk, please send up a few for this guy, his fiancee, and his child... you have no idea how much that would mean to them.

Thanks again!!!!


P.S. Danaf, yes, she has made allegations of sexual abuse, I just didn't mention them because it makes me physically ill to think about them. Fortunately, he was long out of the house by the time she thought that particular vileness up, and so she had to "backdate" those accusations (kinda like the 1996 broken jaw I described) which makes them much less credible: if she really had any suspicion whatsoever that those things were occurring, why did it take her years to suddenly get all fired up and passionate about it? And now the child is older, pre-teen, which makes it difficult to falsely allege *current* wrongdoing because any investigation would include questioning the child. So there is already an element of incredulity built into that... thank God.

And ACH, that is a *great* idea about an off duty LEO. I will definitely pass that on (if they haven't already read it; I gave them this link). Thank you!!! I know that you have firsthand experience of a person like this, and this idea is a GEM. Thanks again!!!