Laugh of the day - add yours

[ssdsco]

In case you need a laugh during these stressful times. Feel free to add yours.



Politically Correct -

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Alabamans, Georgians, Kentuckians,Tennesseans, South Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE'or a'CHICK'- She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER'-She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not 'EASY'-She is'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a'DUMB BLONDE'-She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFO SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not'BEEN AROUND'-She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION .'
6. She is not an'AIRHEAD'-She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get'DRUNK'or'TIPSY'-She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have'BREAST IMPLANTS'-She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not'NAG'you-She becomes'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a'TRAMP'-She is'SEXUALLY EXTRO-VERTED.'
11. She does not have'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS'-She's 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12. She is not a'TWO-BIT HOOKER'-She is a'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a'BEER GUT'-He's developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a'BAD DANCER'-He is 'OVERLY CAUCAS-IAN.'
3. He does not'GET LOST ALL THE TIME'-He seeks or 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not'BALDING'-He is experiencing'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a'CRADLE ROBBER'-He prefers 'GENER-ATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK'-He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL @SS' - He has developed a case of'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8. He is not a'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG'-He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of'COMMITMENT'-He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not'HORNY'-He is'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants-It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us

[Minnymouth]

LOL, LOL, LOL

LOVE IT...........................

[AMISLANDER]

I received this email today!

[ssdsco]

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me.


Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.


My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep
a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Once at class, Belinda made me lie on my
back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a
whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back
and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Minnymouth]

WHOA..............been there, done that!!! LOL

[ssdsco]

Polish Divorce


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an
American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect,
they got along very well until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and
asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would
depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean, what are your relations like?!
P: All my relations still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say: 'Polish Remover'.

[HHM]

LOL, I am going to have to memorize that one for parties.

[ssdsco]

[ssdsco]

Duct Tape (Adult Humor)

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[ssdsco]

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[ssdsco]

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[AMISLANDER]

The Ritz...in Sarasota...

....the women think the men have money.

...the men think the women have money.

...no one has money!

Funniest place I've ever been to!!!

If you want a laugh, go on a Thursday night after a 3rd Thursday at the C'ad Zan.....

[ssdsco]

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!

Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[FLBK7]

The tea set

One day my Mother was out and my Dad was babysitting me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and was recovering from a bad virus.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such delicious tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)

"Honey, did it occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[ssdsco]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: " . . . ohh #%*!!!!"