Ep, I'm only strong because it hasn't *quite* killed me. 
If I can turn around and help someone else with those experiences, it adds meaning and value to what was incredibly isolating, *senseless* and meaningless for so long. Maybe that's why God allowed it. I'm with Robivi on the whole "He blesses the just and the unjust" thing, except I always remember this verse in Romans that says (and forgive my poor memory ) "The race is not to him that runneth, nor to him that willeth, but to God who showeth mercy." Sort of the same idea from a different angle.
Anyway, I think that as much as your older brother loves you, it may very well be hard for him to not try to "fix" things, and other people, when we let them in, tend to start from the beginning. This can be unbearable, because it's usually ground that we have already covered and so it comes off to us, in our woundedness, as a "not good enough" sermon as we have to rehash it with them from the beginning. In the end, some fixes are great (like this house!) some are horrible, and many are just stifling.
But when we let that person in, it's all or nothing because they have to be free to come to their own conclusions. The best we can hope for is that their love overrides personal agendas like having to be right, having to seem better to feel equal, having to feel needed (oh, that's a HUGE trap right there, because if you're not a miracle worker you can start to feel useless) and so on. Everybody has things like that, dynamics that make us tick, but if we see them in ourselves we can choose to rein them in when they do no good to others, and that's a function of maturity. Only you know where your brother is on that scale. And it's not that they don't love us, sometimes it's because they love us TOO much and find it difficult to step back. When you're as wounded as I have been, it becomes impossible to defend yourself because your defenses are shot, and you can end up feeling very judged and even crushed, just because you've been judging yourself so harshly for so long.
And that's when they're loving -- when they're insensitive it can be hell. The lowest points I have ever had (as in, "I'm really very sorry I don't own a gun and can't end this personal hell immediately" points) have invariably been during and after a phone call from someone who needed ME to make THEM feel better about what I was going through, or demanded that I explain every single life choice I ever made to them by means of their their incessant questioning. Just a very little of this will make anyone very hesitant to share ANYTHING, even when it's time to tell someone you want and feel you should tell.
But honestly, if I may be permitted an opinion from reading what you've written it seems to me that you'd love to tell him, you're just not feeling strong enough to bear the process right now. (By "process" I mean the whole I tell him this and he suggests that and he asks my why this and I have to explain that, that whole thing.) And that if you were not already so wounded and worn out you would have already told him, freely and easily. I could be totally wrong, but that's what I get. And in a way, that's great news, because it means that in good time it is likely to come out naturally without a lot of fuss, just as you sense you are ready for it. That you're waiting now, to me, is very cool, because you're honoring what you need to do for you to get through this. That's just the impression I get.
One thing you could do is file before you reveal the bk to him, which would have the effect of making lesser suggestions negligible. However, I have usually accomplished the same thing by just saying, "Look, I know you mean well, and you want to help. But I got myself into this, and I can't have you impoverishing yourself to save my situation. I appreciate everything you suggest and think them over, but in the end this has to be my decision." And that's the end of it, though I freely admit it took me years to perfect my now very effective "loving but set in stone" delivery. Another take on that might be just telling him part, like, "I'm in the middle of making some really serious and difficult decisions about how my life is going. I love the offer of the house, but won't know for a few months whether that would be the best option for both of us. Can I have a rain check, o blessed one?"
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a million ways to share what we need to share, in as much or as little detail as we need, and still not offend. But when the world has been a hostile place for so very long, it's hard to forget that. I think your brother is a fine man and in time, you will indeed spill everything and he will be a wonderful resource. But not until you're ready... so don't force yourself through guilt. There is time enough, and he will understand. So don't pressure yourself. I think you will handle it just fine.
Forgive my length here. Good luck!!!
If I can turn around and help someone else with those experiences, it adds meaning and value to what was incredibly isolating, *senseless* and meaningless for so long. Maybe that's why God allowed it. I'm with Robivi on the whole "He blesses the just and the unjust" thing, except I always remember this verse in Romans that says (and forgive my poor memory ) "The race is not to him that runneth, nor to him that willeth, but to God who showeth mercy." Sort of the same idea from a different angle.Anyway, I think that as much as your older brother loves you, it may very well be hard for him to not try to "fix" things, and other people, when we let them in, tend to start from the beginning. This can be unbearable, because it's usually ground that we have already covered and so it comes off to us, in our woundedness, as a "not good enough" sermon as we have to rehash it with them from the beginning. In the end, some fixes are great (like this house!) some are horrible, and many are just stifling.
But when we let that person in, it's all or nothing because they have to be free to come to their own conclusions. The best we can hope for is that their love overrides personal agendas like having to be right, having to seem better to feel equal, having to feel needed (oh, that's a HUGE trap right there, because if you're not a miracle worker you can start to feel useless) and so on. Everybody has things like that, dynamics that make us tick, but if we see them in ourselves we can choose to rein them in when they do no good to others, and that's a function of maturity. Only you know where your brother is on that scale. And it's not that they don't love us, sometimes it's because they love us TOO much and find it difficult to step back. When you're as wounded as I have been, it becomes impossible to defend yourself because your defenses are shot, and you can end up feeling very judged and even crushed, just because you've been judging yourself so harshly for so long.
And that's when they're loving -- when they're insensitive it can be hell. The lowest points I have ever had (as in, "I'm really very sorry I don't own a gun and can't end this personal hell immediately" points) have invariably been during and after a phone call from someone who needed ME to make THEM feel better about what I was going through, or demanded that I explain every single life choice I ever made to them by means of their their incessant questioning. Just a very little of this will make anyone very hesitant to share ANYTHING, even when it's time to tell someone you want and feel you should tell.
But honestly, if I may be permitted an opinion from reading what you've written
it seems to me that you'd love to tell him, you're just not feeling strong enough to bear the process right now. (By "process" I mean the whole I tell him this and he suggests that and he asks my why this and I have to explain that, that whole thing.) And that if you were not already so wounded and worn out you would have already told him, freely and easily. I could be totally wrong, but that's what I get. And in a way, that's great news, because it means that in good time it is likely to come out naturally without a lot of fuss, just as you sense you are ready for it. That you're waiting now, to me, is very cool, because you're honoring what you need to do for you to get through this. That's just the impression I get.One thing you could do is file before you reveal the bk to him, which would have the effect of making lesser suggestions negligible. However, I have usually accomplished the same thing by just saying, "Look, I know you mean well, and you want to help. But I got myself into this, and I can't have you impoverishing yourself to save my situation. I appreciate everything you suggest and think them over, but in the end this has to be my decision." And that's the end of it, though I freely admit it took me years to perfect my now very effective "loving but set in stone" delivery.
Another take on that might be just telling him part, like, "I'm in the middle of making some really serious and difficult decisions about how my life is going. I love the offer of the house, but won't know for a few months whether that would be the best option for both of us. Can I have a rain check, o blessed one?" I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are a million ways to share what we need to share, in as much or as little detail as we need, and still not offend. But when the world has been a hostile place for so very long, it's hard to forget that. I think your brother is a fine man and in time, you will indeed spill everything and he will be a wonderful resource. But not until you're ready... so don't force yourself through guilt. There is time enough, and he will understand. So don't pressure yourself. I think you will handle it just fine.
Forgive my length here. Good luck!!!
A NEW START!!!
Comment