I've Got A Lot To Think About

[epiphany]

The last few days have been stressful. Not only did I discover that I have 7500 dollars worth of stock that I didn't know about (was stressed out and called attorney and he said it was fine) but I go to dinner at a family member's house tonight and.....

This family member has done very well for themselves. VERY well. This family member has always been very generous to me and all loved ones. This family member wants to take advantage of the foreclosure ridden bad housing market and buy me a house! I would pay this family member back only what I am paying in rent now. This house would go in my name but this family member would buy it and I would pay them.

I'm dying over here! THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and I can't take advantage of it! This family member knows nothing of my situation but does know that I've had trouble in the past. This family member paid off all of my bills (which was much less than they are today) about 10 years ago. I don't know how I could possibly tell them.

So, I am trying to decide whether I tell them or not (in which case, they might not want to do it and I will have humiliated myself) or just not accept. I didn't give an answer. I'm feeling very ashamed right now.

This should be a good thing........

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

EP

[One Half Full]

I am not making light of it, but I guess if I had known how things would have turned out, I would have torn up my credit card and not bought the house and not taken the job I took and not done a lot of things. You sound like you have a really great family. I think maybe that you should risk humiliating yourself. In the end they will find out and it is better to come clean early and allow yourself some space and forgiveness. Otherwise they will wonder why you allowed yourself to float on this sea of sadness and confusion without your family.

[FLBK7]

What a wonderful family you appear to have. Be very grateful for that, always.

I would speak to this family member privately and tell him/her the truth. I understand the feelings of humiliation, but I think that at the end of the day, regardless of what ultimately happens, the family member would respect you more for your honesty.

Remember that everything happens for a reason. Best of luck to you!

[Flamingo]

I would get down on my knees and thank God for the wonderful family you have. And in return I would do whatever I could for them in return and try to change some habits in my life given the opportunities handed to me. Count your blessings and be happy with what has been offered to you. Not too many have had the opportunities you have been given. Best of luck to you.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Epiphany, you are one blessed soul.

Have you already filed? If so, accept the house *after* discharge. "I have to stay at my place for _ more months, because of [lease/contract/promise/convenience/whatever] but after that, I would accept your offer with deep gratitude and thanks, because it would help me more than you can possibly know. Would that work for you, oh gracious Family Member?" Then go run up to them like you can't help it and give them a sloppy one on the cheek with a tear or two. It'll be a coffee moment.

Seriously, though, if you ask them to wait just _ months (til whenever you think your discharge should go through) you can accept without hesiation. It's not divorce, inheritance, or lawsuit related, so you're good in terms of the bk estate.

How very wonderful for you!!!! I'm SO glad!!!

[FLBK7]

Epiphany, you are one blessed soul.

Have you already filed? If so, accept the house *after* discharge. "I have to stay at my place for _ more months, because of [lease/contract/promise/convenience/whatever] but after that, I would accept your offer with deep gratitude and thanks, because it would help me more than you can possibly know. Would that work for you, oh gracious Family Member?" Then go run up to them like you can't help it and give them a sloppy one on the cheek with a tear or two. It'll be a coffee moment.

Seriously, though, if you ask them to wait just _ months (til whenever you think your discharge should go through) you can accept without hesiation. It's not divorce, inheritance, or lawsuit related, so you're good in terms of the bk estate.

How very wonderful for you!!!! I'm SO glad!!!

I agree with everything you said above, FLAD, except that I wouldn't lie by making excuses about having to stay in the current house x number of months, etc. I'd just be totally honest from the start. Honesty and truthfulness command respect. I'm sure the generous family member would end up acquiring renewed respect for Epiphany, BECAUSE of her honesty. Honesty is a very rare commodity these days.

Believe me, there's NOTHING more important than peace of mind. And lying, even by omission, ends up becoming a burden that gets heavier on your shoulders day by day. The older you get, the heavier the burden becomes.

Truth always prevails. Sooner or later, truth matters.

[epiphany]

Thanks for all the input. I'm still reeling. I know it sounds crazy, but I am not sure that I want to take them up on their offer. I will stew on it for a while. Maybe logic will overcome emotion.

Of course if I do, we would have to wait..I am not even filing for a few more weeks. And it would be with complete honesty; it would eat me alive if it were anything but. I may not tell them everything, because frankly they don't need to know everything, but I never lie to my family.

EP

[FreshLikeADaisy]

I'm so sorry. I didn't want to imply you should lie. I wrote from the standpoint that many people choose not to tell family/friends, and I couldn't assume. I didn't want to imply that you *have* to tell them, and by doing so maybe add pressure to your situation. Everyone's family situation is different, so I didn't want to go there in case you were holding back for some reason. I agree that honesty is the best way to go. There is certainly much less to remember, anyway!

Please accept my apologies.

[epiphany]

Please, no apology necessary Flad....I know what you meant.

I don't want to tell them, that's my problem...so yeah, I am holding back. I just can't NOT tell them if I do accept. If I don't accept, I don't have to tell them.

I know I am being an idiot. Probably everyone who reads this thread thinks I am an idiot, and I can understand that if they do. Some are probably thinking it would be nice to have this problem and that it is a "poor little rich girl" sob.

My logical mind tells me to suck it up and lay my cards on the table. My wounded heart tells me it is too fragile to sustain another blow right now. I have done a pretty good job of keeping it together since I made the decision to file, even with all the stress of the nagging creditors, and this has undone my reserve. I seriously cried the other night and I can't tell you the last time I did that.

Thanks so much for your concern. I really do appreciate it.

EP

[FreshLikeADaisy]

You are so NOT being an idiot, Ep. And anyone who's filing for consumer bk because they can't pay their bills -- not a Donald Trump who does it because it's financially savvy but still living in a mansion -- is no poor little rich girl.

I have seen personally where some people will tell you ANYTHING to dissuade you from filing, maybe because they have never known want, maybe because they are colossally insensitive, maybe because they never got stuck in a hole they couldn't dig or pretend their way out of. Who knows, but I have heard it all, and usually when I was far too low in spirit to shrug it off, when every little barb and arrow and "you should have done ___" criticism found its way straight into my soul. To tell the truth, my life is much better now, but I'm STILL not over all the s**t people wanted to put on me, as though my cross weren't heavy enough. So I totally understand.

I guess that's why I mentioned waiting, either to make a decision or to explain why you would wait to decide, much less speak of your bk to people close to you, because it really IS hard.

And there's something else I'd like to throw in for your consideration: the months before filing, were, for me, the most incredibly difficult of my entire life. No job, no income, no place to go, ill health, foreclosure, eviction, and an accident to boot. All of that sucked the life out of me, to the point where I'd sooner not eat than have to stand there and try to decide what to have. I know that's extreme, but that's how bad it was mentally. And I get the feeling that, to one degree or another, after people have been through a long period of too many decisions and no solutions, that EVERYTHING pretty much gets hard to decide, because the internal buffers are blown. Those synapses involved in decision making just don't fire regularly anymore, because they've been firing overtime for way too long.

I'm still getting over it, months after I have had a place to live and regular meals and a roof over my head and loving people around me. So... don't discount what you've been through and think you should be able to just *know* what is right, like maybe you used to -- it may be more unrealistic an expectation than you think, so cut yourself some slack there.

I think that if I were in your shoes, I would want to know one thing: is this person quick with advice on how to change your life, quick to judge how other people behave, in addition to being very financially generous? If they are, there's no reason to expect much different behavior from them in your own situation. It is a hard and fast truth, unfortunately, that what people do to others, they will do to you in time. But if they are solidly compassionate people, who don't gossip and know how to keep private things private, who help but don't judge, I think you're quite safe and can share openly in time.

Personally, I think it's time good things came your way, so no matter what you decide, I think it's awesome they even offered. Good luck!!!

[robivi3]

Epiph, just from curiosity and I mean this simply as a question, if you haven't filed yet could you possibly take the offer and not file? Is there any way you can do this. I would be candid, take a chance. Nice blessing, I can't understand what you feel because this has not happened to us so i hope you can think and make a good choice.

I can understand messing up or falling into a hole twice, I've done it before. I have always been blessed paycheckwise and that is God, I give him that credit. It has been one of several blessings that sort of fell into my lap. My own luck??? Hahaha! It could be raining soup and I'd get hit in the mouth with a bail of hay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope this opens a bigger blessing for you and I hope the rain starts falling. Remember rain was always a blessing in the Old Testament. "God sends the rain on the just and the unjust", that wasn't a curse it was a statement of blessing. He takes care of who he wants, not according to ability, brains or "luck".

[epiphany]

Flad....I guess I will come clean here (and I don't know why I wanted to keep it a secret in the first place...like it is going to make a difference if I say it out loud) but this "family member" is my big brother. He has his own glorious life but has always been very protective of me. He has done things for me that I believe he has never revealed to anyone else. He bought me my first computer in 1998 as a valentines day gift and when I mentioned it to his wife later, she didn't even know he had done that. Nor did she care.

So yes, he is compassionate and I trust him completely. I just have always been the black sheep of the family...parents and both older brothers have been truly successful and I managed to screw up my life at a very early age. My father loves me but does take occassional opportunites to remind me of that. My mother and brothers don't do that but I can't help feeling "less than".

I'm sorry that you had such a hard time with our own ordeal. But you seem so strong. Makes it easier for the rest of us to hear your story.

Thanks so much for sharing,

EP

[epiphany]

Robi, thanks.

No, I can't accept the offer and not file. I am 85K in the hole. I can't pay the bills and not filing is not an option.

One other thing that worries me about telling my brother is that he may try and figure out another option for me...CCC or something like that...we started that route last time before he eventually paid it off. At that time it was only 15K. He could possibly even want to pay it off. I don't want him to do that. I want to get out of this hole myself.

I'm just going to have to figure out how much my pride is worth, I guess.

EP

[robivi3]

if they don't add strings, guilt or damnation i'd consider the offer

[Minnymouth]

Take it from the "girl in the middle"...... with two brothers who can buy and sell most people......

Lay your cards on the table since he made the offer...... I'm sure he was sincere about it. Let him know what your up against and what you have to do to solve the problem. Ask for his advice, not necessarily his money.

BUT, do your bankrutpcy first, THEN let him help you get back on your feet financially if he's still willing to help.....

If there are "strings attached" to the help, then turn it down, make your new life on your own.... you won't be sorry, and you won't be so apt to make the same mistakes again....

If this is something that is going to be "waved in front of your nose all the time"...... THEN turn the offer down, manage on your own...... YOU WILL SURVIVE....

Some brothers can help, and you never hear another word about it, some never shut up about it!!!

Think about how your situation would be........