On my soap box

[nazstar]

Ok. I need to vent here. I work in a VERY SMALL office and there is a co-worker here that is like something outta Single White Female. I get my hair cut, she gets hers cut. I get a new outfit, she gets a similar outfit. I hate a movie, she hates a movie. In the beginning, we were both transfers from NY with no family down here in Florida so we hung out a lot until the crazy card started to show up WAY too much. Anyways, it's hard to avoid her in a 4 person office so I tend to grit my teeth and walk away from the water cooler talk.

About a year ago, i got a puppy. So, she gets a puppy. Keep in mind that she hates dogs and essentially forced her husband to put down his dog (pre-marriage doggie) because she couldn't be bothered taking care of this old pooch - all this as she's buying a new puppy. This is where it starts to break down... Oh and in case you were wondering, the puppy has been banished to the guest bathroom for the last 8 months.

When I announced last Fall I was pregnant, the other 2 girls came to me and laughed that she would be pregnant within 6 months. Well, she WAS! Now she has a 6 week old and this is where I start to steam.

1) She brags that the baby sleeps through the night and when people point out that a newborn needs to be fed every 3 hours, her reply is, "yeah, my mom said I should wake him up to eat too, but i can't be bothered if he's sleeping. Plus, I don't DO nights!".

2) She won't breastfeed - which is fine and her choice. Plenty of babies do absolutely fine on formula - mine included. (I only breastfed for 4 months). But her reasoning is, "I don't need a PARASITE hanging off my boob. Ugh! You have to be with them all the time if you breastfeed. not to mention stretch marks"!

3) She brings the baby into the office to show him off - as every new mother would - and he takes a poopie. So, we offer her an empty office to change him and she says, "Oh, I'm off to run a few errands and I'll be home in about 2 hours so I'll just change him then". WHAT!?!?! He's already crying because he's sitting in poop and to be honest, I don't blame him! You can't leave a 6 week old in a poopie diaper because it's convenient for YOU!

I could go on and on with some of the stuff she's pulled and I'm finding it harder to be around her. She keeps trying to invite herself over to our house and I find 101 reasons to say no. Before our babies, it wasn't so bad - it was actually kinda entertainment for my husband and I. You know, "hey hon, there's nothing on tv tonight - let's invite crazy girl over". But now there is a baby involved and I can't find the strength to keep my trap shut. Hubby thinks I shouldn't stay quiet. Maybe I'll be doing her a favor if I confront her. Our circle of friends is really small and she's a part of it - not by my choice, but by association. She has some warped vision about her hanging out at my place and our babies having play dates together. I know "crazy" isn't contagious, but I don't want to invite that into my house when I know it will irritate me so much!

Am I being selfish? Should I step in and say something for the sake of her kid? I kinda feel guilty for standing around and not acting; but at the same time, I don't know if it's my place. Hubby seems to think that she values my opinion for one reason or another and might listen to me over what other people say. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Dr. Spock, but some things are just obvious!

[BKOnce]

First, maybe she and you are sisters or related cousins of some distance pasts (i.e., previous lives?)... with connected/tangled/inter-twined emotions... j/k

Second, she might think of you as good "model" for her to mimic, i.e., from hairstyle to outfit to baby and so on. ..So why not, maybe she would isten to you if you give her a FINAL lesson of lifetime, i.e., teach her how to become "Mrs. Manner" one and for all. If she loves you as her sister then she would listen; otherwise, cut all attachments with that crazy girl yourself, nothing to loose?

[chpxiii]

This is why some people should not be allowed to breed. (referring to her.)

That being said, you are not being selfish. She's freaky and you're being freaked out. I don't blame you. I don't think you should say anything at all, really. It's her life. Unless the baby's life is in danger, then you stand up and say something.

And I would not let that woman step one foot in my house not even once. Because if you do it once then she'll want to come by all the time. You'll need to start giving body language hints and start saying things in such a way that you're giving her the brush off. If you can avoid it, don't even chat with her.

[nazstar]

First, maybe she and you are sisters or related cousins of some distance pasts (i.e., previous lives?)... with connected/tangled/inter-twined emotions... j/k

HAHAHA! It's funny you say that. I get random text messages from her like, "I just wanted to say you're like family and I love you". Out of the blue. No reason at all behind them. I don't even know how to respond to those! My crazy alarm goes haywire and I freeze. Hubby jokes that she must have a stash of E somewhere.

[chpxiii]

HAHAHA! It's funny you say that. I get random text messages from her like, "I just wanted to say you're like family and I love you". Out of the blue. No reason at all behind them. I don't even know how to respond to those! My crazy alarm goes haywire and I freeze. Hubby jokes that she must have a stash of E somewhere.

Good lord.

You need to put a stop to this.

BTW, aren't you quitting soon? If so, you can really brush her off then. She's got some serious issues going, and you don't need a personal subscription to that.

[nazstar]

That being said, you are not being selfish. She's freaky and you're being freaked out. I don't blame you. I don't think you should say anything at all, really. It's her life. Unless the baby's life is in danger, then you stand up and say something.

Danger? That might be a stretch for right now. I am not a paranoid person but I do see her as someone who would relish her child having some sort of illness or affliction so she could get more attention. She's not dealing well with the fact that once you pop that kid out, all the attention is off you and onto that baby. I just hope she doesn't create an issue for the poor kid.

[nazstar]

BTW, aren't you quitting soon? If so, you can really brush her off then. She's got some serious issues going, and you don't need a personal subscription to that.

Yep, I am quitting in 2 months. Like I said, really small circle of friends and she's a part of it. We were all transferred down here from NYC (I didn't know her then, just that she worked for the same firm). So when we started, it was just us (no spouses at that time), no family down here, nada. We didn't know a soul. So, we kinda latched onto each other for a while. Her husband is really nice and gets along with my husband fairly well but he seems blind to the wackiness.

[Minnymouth]

Sounds like your friend wants to be the "Bobbsi Twins"..... with you as one of them.....

Evidently she either admires you or is very jealous of you and tries to copy you in every aspect of your life... haircuts, babies, etc.

When it comes to the baby..... Well, had she been in my office when kiddo "cut loose", all you had to say was "either you change him or I will - BUT that baby is NOT LEAVING HERE with "sh** all over him!!!! Good Mothers DON'T DO THAT!!! Where did you take your parenting classes???

She would have either been very embarrassed or grabbed the kid to change it herself to keep from getting embarrassed. All you had to do was make her look like a lousy mother...... and you would have gotten her attention.

Her hanging out at your house....?? Is she a lot younger than you?? Maybe she thinks of you as "sister image" that she doesn't have!! Some people are like that.....

My advice, if you don't want her as a constant companion...... best leave her at the office and away from your doorstep....

The only "good friendships" at work are mostly people that have worked together for 10 or 15 years... but even those have their limitations or privacy after work....

Sounds like the girl is jealous, lonely, and needs a friend..... It's up to you whether you want to "be that friend" or not!!

If you don't, then its best to "keep it casual" and at the office only...

[nazstar]

Oh, we made her change the little guy pronto and she did. But, it makes me wonder what she does when no one is there to comment.

She's actually a year older than me but is the baby of her family. I'm the oldest of 3 and fairly independent. I am honestly not sure what to make of her. I'm usually a good judge of character but she remains a mystery to me. I can't tell if some of the things she does are intentional or she really is just that psycho. Personally, I think she's self medicating and honestly has no clue what's she doing half of the time. The girl puts down her purse and it sounds like she's got the Walgreen's inventory in there. She also jumps from shrink to shrink, which makes me wonder why. She can blow up one day and freak out only to forget it ever happened 2 days later. Maybe that's why i can't get a read on her - it's a bunch of stuff going on.

I guess I'm torn between helping someone that is trying to reach out (maybe she is - i don't know) and just distancing myself from a hopeless case. I haven't figured out which category she's under. I've always been a sucker for a wounded bird, which is why I've been around this long!

[chpxiii]

Yep, I am quitting in 2 months. Like I said, really small circle of friends and she's a part of it. We were all transferred down here from NYC (I didn't know her then, just that she worked for the same firm). So when we started, it was just us (no spouses at that time), no family down here, nada. We didn't know a soul. So, we kinda latched onto each other for a while. Her husband is really nice and gets along with my husband fairly well but he seems blind to the wackiness.

I guess I'd rather be alone than have wacky people in my life.

At my last job there was a new jr. dev who started. We hit it off fine. As I got to know her better all she did was whine about her husband, her baby (I don't have children and am not interested), her mother, her in-laws, etc. etc. That got tiresome. So I dropped that and let it go.

I realize that you're in a small circle of people and it can be tough. But I'd rather have someone dislike me than put up with their craziness. I'd rather a drama-free life.

[chpxiii]

Oh, we made her change the little guy pronto and she did. But, it makes me wonder what she does when no one is there to comment.

She's actually a year older than me but is the baby of her family. I'm the oldest of 3 and fairly independent. I am honestly not sure what to make of her. I'm usually a good judge of character but she remains a mystery to me. I can't tell if some of the things she does are intentional or she really is just that psycho. Personally, I think she's self medicating and honestly has no clue what's she doing half of the time. The girl puts down her purse and it sounds like she's got the Walgreen's inventory in there. She also jumps from shrink to shrink, which makes me wonder why. She can blow up one day and freak out only to forget it ever happened 2 days later. Maybe that's why i can't get a read on her - it's a bunch of stuff going on.

I guess I'm torn between helping someone that is trying to reach out (maybe she is - i don't know) and just distancing myself from a hopeless case. I haven't figured out which category she's under. I've always been a sucker for a wounded bird, which is why I've been around this long!

Oh, I think you're reading her just fine. This is your gut telling you she's not good in your life. Listen to your instincts.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

That business where she is monkeying your identity to an extreme degree says to me that she is suffering from some sort of personality disorder, and that if you were to give into it and let her become a part of your life, it would only be the beginning of a hellish push-pull escalating drama. Everything you've said about her screams "BPD" to me, including the meds, seeing the dog and child as objects. etc.

Your gut is absolutely right. Steer WAY clear of this one.

Even if you were (hypothetically) incorrect in thinking she's nuts, it is still quite true that you are not the friend she needs you to be and you have a life of your own. Even if you let her in and it turned out to not be an overtly harmful or manipulative relationship, it would still always be tense, if only because you just don't have what she needs or wants. You're doing the right thing by politely withdrawing in such a way that there's nothing she can find fault with or latch on to. Those are my thoughts on it, anyway.

[nazstar]

Even if you were (hypothetically) incorrect in thinking she's nuts, it is still quite true that you are not the friend she needs you to be and you have a life of your own. Even if you let her in and it turned out to not be an overtly harmful or manipulative relationship, it would still always be tense, if only because you just don't have what she needs or wants.

I think you are right in this. I am not the friend she needs because I just don't think I am qualified to help her. She saw a therapist at my urging and it turned into her hopping from person to person. When one doctor refused meds, she just switched to another. I'm a HUGE advocate of counseling and it's helped me in the past, but it's not a quick fix - it's a lotta hard work to get to the root of your problems. And it HURTS like nothing I've ever felt before. But if you stick with it, it's possible to come out the other side stronger. And I don't know much about personality disorders but it is clear that she adopts whatever personality is strongest around her. Whether or not that's an actual mental disorder or just the sign of a weak personality - I have no clue.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

You know, I could chat for hours on this one subject.

But I will refrain, and just tell you what I have observed anecdotally. There are two kinds of people who seek help/therapy/counseling/what-have-you: those who are interested in real change, and those who are looking to be enabled in staying exactly the way they are right now. I know that's kind of harsh, but I've never known anyone to fall in the middle. People that are basically honest end up doing the work, suffering the pain, and reaching toward the other side. The others remain in utterly static (and parasitic?) "therapeutic" relationships, or far more commonly, ditch or get ditched because the therapist won't enable, or even calls the patient on their BS. You can see it in everything from AA to rehab to high-priced lie-on-my-couch psychanalysts. There are a million and one immediate reasons why someone might feel compelled to seek counseling, but once it's all whittled down, they either want to change or don't. Period. The rest is basically window-dressing.

Either way, this person is not in a place right now to be a life-affirming friend, and probably doesn't know how to accept or engage in real friendship. This is one broken wing you might have to walk by, unfortunately.

[BKOnce]

Mental cases like these need a good therapist to fix it - Hypnotic Therapy - so they can find out & expose in her emotions/dreams about her past unhappy/unfortunate events, i.e., like family problems, family stresses, family diasters, unhappy childhood experiences, etc.. Once she see everything why in her dreams & fully understand why, then she will eventually recover gradually (her broken self/identity) ~Sigmond Freud~.