Need men's opinions

[HeatherB]

The other day my husband came home with an extra $170 that he got from recycing copper from a job. He told me he wanted to buy speakers for his vehicle and he wanted me to buy something nice for myself. Well, we went shopping and I bought a few small things (nail polish, some make-up). Then I headed to the toy section and filled up my cart with toys. When I met up with him in the store he seemed upset. He said, "I told you to get something nice for yourself - an outfit or something - and you filled up the cart with toys." To which I said, "You told me I could buy what I want and what I really want is for the kids to have a good Christmas this year. Besides, if I really needed/wanted something I would have already gotten it." He seemed a bit peeved by this.

And the last time he did this, he said he wanted me to get a spa treatment. I didn't get one and ended up using the money for bills and the like.

Is it wrong of me to do this?? I don't want him thinking that his gestures of kindness are going un noticed or unappreciated. I just think that if I keep doing this he may just stop trying to do nice little things like this altogether....

Thoughts? Comments?

[BKOnce]

I am the man, and here is what I think, but do not get offended ok?... Well, deep down inside, he needs you to dress more "sexy" in bed for him .... and ofcourse some more attention... ya know what I mean... *smirk*... !?? (That's a subtle/psychology message from him)

[isitreal]

I am the man, and here is what I think, but do not get offended ok?... Well, deep down inside, he needs you to dress more "sexy" in bed for him .... and ofcourse some more attention... ya know what I mean... *smirk*... !?? (That's a subtle/psychology message from him)

LOL... He said it.. and all of us men like the women to dress more sexy...

BUT... I don't think that's the case on why he was so upset in this situation. He was going to spend money on himself and wanted you to do the same. He feels guilty for him getting something and you not.

[chpxiii]

From a woman's perspective:

I'm not going to comment on your husband, I'm not him so I won't presume anything as to what he meant. You need to ask him that.

Now, my own humble opinion: very rarely do we do something that is "nice" for ourselves. i.e. get a massage, get our nails done, buy a new skirt (be it sexy or quaker looking). Especially when times are tough and lean and most especially when we're in bankruptcy.

When times are like, we go into survival mode - and that means being practical. Every little penny we get we apply it to something practical. Mothers, especially. They have some sort of need to self sacrifice for their children. While I can understand that, the flip side to that is if a mother does not take care of herself, how can she be there for her children? A perfect example is when you fly. Emergency procedures are that the *adult* put the oxygen mask on FIRST, that helps them to make sure they're ok and able to tend to their children. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.

IMO, parent or not, a person needs to take care of themselves FIRST.

Part of that care isn't always about being practical, paying the bills, buying something for their kids. Part of that care is valuing yourself enough to buy something for yourself - not just paying a bill, which certainly seems very urgent in these times. But sometimes the universe drops a wee windfall in our laps, and provided that everything is cared for and taken care of, there is nothing wrong with getting a little frivolous. We've already trimmed the fat out of our lives and so it is perfectly ok to allow a little fat every now and then.

I'm not going to say what you should or should not have done. That's your thing. You did what you wanted. The point to my post is not about that. But it is about us allowing ourselves to have a little fun, allow a little frivolity - we NEED this, especially in this time, some of our darkest times ever, emotionally, financially, mentall, and yes, even physically. It's ok to let a little light in.

Even now, with how much money I make, I sometimes get into, "OHMYGODINEEDTOSAVETHISPLASTICBAG." Over time I have learned it's ok to spend $20 (especially since I have it now) to get a back massage. I'd go for MONTHS (still do!) without getting my hair cut because I'm just not used to caring for myself in that way. But I'm learning. And learning to do it with out feeling guilty too!

If you have a twenty bucks from that "fun" money your husband got, go out and get a back massage. Be in the moment ofhow nice that feels and the relaxation. (I'd have gotten a full body massage!)

One other thing, and this has taken me a LOOOOOOONG time to just be comfortable with and to accept as well. My boyfriend tells me that he just wants me to be happy. Which I understand. But sometimes that means that things get to go "my way." It's such a weird feeling for me. I'm so used to be denied (by my mom, or denying myself when I was so broke) that it was always about making someone else happy or doing something kind for them so I wouldn't seem so "selfish." I have learned that doing things for myself isn't selfish, and that REALLY, it IS ok that we eat where *I* want to eat because my boyfriend really DOESN'T care, and that what he REALLY DOES care about is what I want in that moment.

A lot of women aren't used to that. So. Get used to it. Get a back rub, do your nails, hair, get a new shirt or skirt. Or treat yourself to a gallon of ice cream. Isn't there some sort of gadget you've been wanting? Maybe a digital picture frame? (I'm lusting after one of those lately. hehehe...)

I hope this makes sense.

[isitreal]

I agree with chpxiii. Like I said below, he is feeling guilty about him getting something and you not. He wants you to see the benefits of his hard earned money he got as much as he wants to see it for himself. By not doing it, you are bringing him "back down to Earth" and not allowing him to enjoy it. You have to take the time to pamper yourself and the ones you love.

Oftentimes people (especially mothers) tend to get as much, or more, enjoyment out of treating their kids as they do themselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But... make sure that you do take care of yourself on occasion. That's what he was wanting you to do.

[Bandit]

I don't want him thinking that his gestures of kindness are going un noticed or unappreciated. I just think that if I keep doing this he may just stop trying to do nice little things like this altogether....

That is what I would be thinking. He wanted YOU to have something nice for yourself.
Just ask him if that is why & then say next time you will get something for yourself. (just don't forget the next time)

[One Half Full]

You seem more "practical." I think the gentleman who suggested that he meant for you to by some nice sexy outfit was about right though. However, this is Christmas time and perhaps it is all about the kids.

[ssdsco]

and what I really want is for the kids to have a good Christmas this year

If you would have discussed this up front I think things would have been fine.

[HeatherB]

Thanks for the replies. Although the sexy clothes comment made me about spit out my soda laughing, it does sound like something my DH would say/think. However, in this instance, I doubt that is what he was thinking. The comments about him feeling guilty for a frivolous purchase makes sense, too. Especially since there are so many times that I want something and then decide I don't really *need* it and would rather get something I could really use.

Honestly, I don't really need anymore clothes/lingerie. The small stuff, I don't even want. I would much rather do without those things and save up for a... er... I don't know.... probably something silly like a 50 inch LCD 1080dpi TV or a new livingroom set (our is so old... and nasty... and uncomfortable) or a playstation - but don't tell DH that, we have a x-box 360 and he is a big x-box fan. Right now, though, it is so close to Christmas, I just figured I would get the kids' gifts out of the way first before I spend on myself. Good thing I did, too, because DH didn't work Friday-Wednesday due to the ice we got.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Again, thanks for the replies.

[chpxiii]

Honestly, I don't really need anymore clothes/lingerie. The small stuff, I don't even want. I would much rather do without those things and save up for a... er... I don't know.... probably something silly like a 50 inch LCD 1080dpi TV or a new livingroom set (our is so old... and nasty... and uncomfortable) or a playstation

That's where my boyfriend and I are in our lives. There is nothing we want. Gosh, there isn't even anything we *need.* We have food, a roof over our heads, and electricity to keep warm and clothes as well.

What we WANT, no one can give us. Literally. I want a house. Who's going to buy me a house? LOL My boyfriend would like his debt paid off. Who has nearly $100k to give him for that??? No one we know. So, therefore, we don't really have any wants or needs. We're doing plenty fine.

I really don't think that saving up for expensive things you want is silly at all. That's very very smart. For some, a 50 inch LCD 1080dpi TV would be considered frivolous. But, IMO, if you're saving up for it to buy, cash outright, it's very SMART. You're not going the instant gratification route to stuff just because you want it right now. That's really how we should be buying things we *want*.

BTW, when you do buy that with cash outright, it will be that much sweeter. I managed to save up enough for a new washer and dryer while in Chpt. 13. I had sold mine before filing in an effort to "catch up" to what I owe. (Throwing good money at bad. ) However, when I paid cash for my new (nicer) washer and dryer ... everytime I look at them now they look that much more shinier, prettier, they wash clothes "better." hehehe.. All because I *know* they are *mine* and I didn't have to chase after them with credit. It's a nice feeling - different mentality. There's a lot of psychology to our "stuff."

- but don't tell DH that, we have a x-box 360 and he is a big x-box fan. Right now, though, it is so close to Christmas, I just figured I would get the kids' gifts out of the way first before I spend on myself. Good thing I did, too, because DH didn't work Friday-Wednesday due to the ice we got.

We got ourselves a Wii. The boyfriend did put it on his credit card, but that's only because we had the cash for it. It was paid off that month. But we got a Wii simply for Guitar Hero III. Get that! It looks much nicer on the XBox 360 and it's a whole lot of fun!

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Even now, with how much money I make, I sometimes get into, "OHMYGODINEEDTOSAVETHISPLASTICBAG."

Oh, that was so me too!!! Too funny!!!

[woeisme]

I seem to be in the minority here, but I think if the kids were going without toys for Christmas, I would feel terrible blowing money on myself! No wonder hubby was upset, he had to realize how selfish he was being spending on himself. He was just misdirecting his anger. I agree that you shouldn't always put yourself last, but if hubby really wanted you to have a gift, he should have bought you something, not got mad at you when you bought yuorself just a few little things then spent the rest of the money on the kids. My son (12 years old) understands we are in the BK process, that we will be in it for 5 years (just filed CH 13 in Sept 07), and as a result doesn't have huge expectations for Christmas, and he's ok with it. But if he saw me spending money for some luxury item for myself, and my husband getting some unnecessary thing for himself, and then he got nothing, I think he'd be a lot less understanding!