Would you be upset if your husband did this?

[Bandit]

I have an idea for DivorceRuinedMe., to try if she wants to.

Make a list of all the good things, all the things that you love about your spouse. All the things that make you happy, instead of the things that are bothering you. list all the good things that brought you together. Write them down nicely or make an outline of the qualities and attributes.

I have no doubt that the BK is playing a big part of the stress right now & it is not easy to put it to the side for very long. But try.

Write up the pros & good things that are positive & working & make you happy & still love him.
Then after viewing & thinking on those good things, on another day, write up the list of all the bad things that are making you unhappy in the relationship & add the problems because you do have problems that cannot just be ignored if it is going to work out.

Be honest & just with your weights & measures. Be totally honest with yourself too.
You will be one step ahead of the counselor!

[Minnymouth]

Infact you may be surprised when your counselor ASK you to do this..... this is a part of counseling. TO SEE YOURSELF, those around you, and the situation your in "on the outside looking in".

I have always weighed the pro's and con's of situations in my life to see "what is good for me"..... but I also go by "gut instinct".

I've walked away - not wanting too - but knowing it was the right thing to do. The right thing for me at that time in my life. I've never regretted that decision over the years.

I feel that this has been a very healthy debate..... good views from all sides and family styles. Good suggestions, ideas, and things to "look at" in the relationship.

[Bandit]

The guide to wife translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

I just could not pass up sharing these jokes. Have fun & Hope this weekend is better. I will check back monday to see how Days of Our Lives, is going

http://jokes4all.net/jokes/marriage/jokes.html

http://www.ahajokes.com/marriage_jokes.html

[Minnymouth]

It's a proven fact:

'IF MOMMA AIN'T HAPPY - NOBODY IS GONNA BE HAPPY"

[JollyGG]

I actually have a very long, very blunt post to write. I will do it later after I have composed it in my head a bit more. However I did want to address a few points now.

Maybe you don't understand it yet because you have not walked miles in the other persons 'worse' shoes. (?) Just because your marriage is 'better' does not mean everyone elses is.

Wow I laughed out loud when I read this. My marriage isn't perfect. We work very hard at it. I am a controling, selfish, overbearing person and I'm often not sure why my husband puts up with me. My husband can be passive agressive, self involved, and needy. I'm not blind to either of our flaws. But we make it work.

I can think of a whole bunch more valid reasons than just those two

But these are the only two I think need be deal breakers. Everything else can be solved even if it involves shoving hubby out the door and spraying him down with the hose and the attachement to wash my car.

Unfortunately we don't all get a Little House on the Prairie or Brady Bunch family, or Cinderella meets Prince Charming happy ever after wedding & counselors also know that.

Which would be why I suggested counseling. A therapist can help her decide if this is a relationship she wants to remain in. And if the answer is yes a therapist can help teach her the tools to make things work.

Reason #3-Someone who refuses to:
a)take a bath,
b)brush their teeth,
c)wash their clothes & bed sheets,
d)wipe their butt
I understand some people enjoy stinky people, but I don't.

I also belive that each person needs to take responsiblity for choosing a partner that doesn't repulse them.

The only reason divorce rate is declining these days is because marriage is declining. People have already divorced and/or they wont go thru all the problems again so they only shack up to protect their best interests instead of going thru all the 'white weddings', & lies.

If that is all marriage is too you I am very sorry. Then by all means don't get married. I personally made a vow before man and god and I choose to keep the promises/vows I made.
.

With due respect, JollyGG, Why it is so difficult to address the list of problems themselves?
1) Drinking irresponsibly- that is against the law
2) Not watching after the children, all hungover, when mom is working overtime.

I never said he didn't behave like an idiot. But it still is unclear to me how frequent this really is. Plus haven't we all been stupid once or twice in our life. Yes the problem should be address, yes Divorceruined me has a right to be mad. Deal with it and move on.

3) No chores to help

http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.php?t=14037

4) Does not want to work & appears he is not going to

I have no problem with a father being a stay at home parent. Does it sound like the chore list should be divided better. Yes. But what marriage can't say the same.

5) Disrespect coming from his kids

It sounds to me like she called him on it. He now does all the cooking and gets after his kid for the disrespectful behavior. There may or may not be more to the situation I don't know that. I can't say my husband has never been disrespectful of me and I can't say my son has never smarted off. It is dealt with.

So how would you address those 5 problems to make it better instead of worse if it was your spouse and your baby???. Is your idea of communication where you just make people change by talking or you tell them what to do & they do whatever you say?

There are consequences to actions and non action. I thinking having to deal with four children hung over and tired is a pretty serious consequence while you pray for nap time and pray for your spouse to come home. I think fighting with you spouse is a consequence. I think not getting lucky that night is a consequence. I think not having a peaceful home is a consequence. I think ultimately loosing your marriage is a consequence. No one will ever change becase they want to. But they really won't ever change if they don't know their is a problem or don't clearly understand the problem.

Put yourself into HER situations/problems, instead yours & then try to figure it out.

And you need to do the same thing. She is not married to your ex wife any more than she is married to my husband.

Please don't leave the thread just because we don't agree or have a different approach, because I feel you have a lot of good input & a lot of good hope to offer people in this thread.

Who said I was going anywhere.

I feel the same too about JollyGG.

JollyGG, I just want to say that I think it's awesome you the relationship you have. Too bad more people don't have what you and I have. There would probably also be much more peace in the world if partners truly worked together as partners.

The thing is most people could. People give up on relationships way too quickly now a days. Relationships take work, sometimes alot of it.

[ruggal]

Well, to answer all of you regarding why he's not working....

DH was adamant that he didn't even want to hear about it. He told me that he LOVES his job at home and no amount of money would make him go back to work. That it didn't matter what he had to give up to stay at home with the kids, that's what he wanted. Then I piped in and was like, but what if *I'm* not happy with how we are right now.

I'm making an appt today for a marriage counselor. I really can't deal with this on my own anymore!

This is a fascinating thread, and I just wanted to pipe in here, albeit a little late.

This is all about power, you have it, and he wants it (and is trying to manipulate you in order to get it back). Tony Montana was right when he said first you get the money, then you get the power, THEN you get the woman.

I have a feeling if you husband actually did his "job" at home a lot of the stress you're feeling would be lessened. I realize there are four little ones at home, which is a huge responsibility, however there is NO reason you should be doing all the laundry, cooking or cleaning when he signed up for the job.

He claims this is his job...ask him to develop a position description. Let him outline what his responsibilities are in the role and make a list of what he'll be responsible for as the Director of Domestic Duties. Then hold him accountable for what he is supposed to contribute to the home.

Best of luck, and definitely see the therapist...

[Bandit]

I actually have a very long, very blunt post to write. I will do it later after I have composed it in my head a bit more. However I did want to address a few points now.


Wow I laughed out loud when I read this. My marriage isn't perfect. We work very hard at it. I am a controling, selfish, overbearing person and I'm often not sure why my husband puts up with me. My husband can be passive agressive, self involved, and needy. I'm not blind to either of our flaws. But we make it work. .

I know. I put in the very beginning there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

Have you been married to an alcoholic?
Have you been married to to someone who shoplifts & defrauds the government in taxes, gets thrown into jail for both? Two different times.
Have you been married to someone who sleeps with a butcher knife under her pillow?

I have & you would not be laughing about it. The things you mentioned is stuff that everyone has & can be dealt with fairly easy.

But these are the only two I think need be deal breakers. Everything else can be solved even if it involves shoving hubby out the door and spraying him down with the hose and the attachement to wash my car. .

Everything else? See above.

Which would be why I suggested counseling. A therapist can help her decide if this is a relationship she wants to remain in. And if the answer is yes a therapist can help teach her the tools to make things work. I also belive that each person needs to take responsiblity for choosing a partner that doesn't repulse them. .

Only one problem, not everyone paints who they really are before getting married, so people end up living a lie & with a liar from the start. I would not waste my time with a therapist, if someone else wants/needs to that is up to them.

If that is all marriage is too you I am very sorry. Then by all means don't get married. I personally made a vow before man and god and I choose to keep the promises/vows I made.

I have been married twice & wont be getting married again. Once for 3 years & once for 8 years. My eight year marriage was pretty good but we both agreed that we still loved each other & would remain friends but it was time to go separate ways & we both made the right choice together. There are no bad feelings about the second time around.

I never said he didn't behave like an idiot. But it still is unclear to me how frequent this really is. Plus haven't we all been stupid once or twice in our life. Yes the problem should be address, yes Divorceruined me has a right to be mad. Deal with it and move on. http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.php?t=14037

I have no problem with a father being a stay at home parent. Does it sound like the chore list should be divided better. Yes. But what marriage can't say the same.


It sounds to me like she called him on it. He now does all the cooking and gets after his kid for the disrespectful behavior. There may or may not be more to the situation I don't know that. I can't say my husband has never been disrespectful of me and I can't say my son has never smarted off. It is dealt with.

Agreed.

There are consequences to actions and non action. I thinking having to deal with four children hung over and tired is a pretty serious consequence while you pray for nap time and pray for your spouse to come home. I think fighting with you spouse is a consequence. I think not getting lucky that night is a consequence. I think not having a peaceful home is a consequence. I think ultimately loosing your marriage is a consequence. No one will ever change becase they want to. But they really won't ever change if they don't know their is a problem or don't clearly understand the problem.

And you need to do the same thing. She is not married to your ex wife any more than she is married to my husband.

Who said I was going anywhere.

That one time you said you would not post on this any more, that is why I said that.

The think is everyone could. People give up on relationships way too quickly now a days. Relationships take work, sometimes alot of it.

[JollyGG]

Have you been married to an alcoholic?
Have you been married to to someone who shoplifts & defrauds the government in taxes, gets thrown into jail for both? Two different times.
Have you been married to someone who sleeps with a butcher knife under her pillow?

When exactly did the OP ever say her husband did any of these things.

I am simply pointing out that basing her realationship on yours makes no more sense than me basing my judgement of her relationship on mine.

The Question is: Would you be upset if your spouse did this…..? and this & this & this….

I have said numerous times that yes I would be upset. However that doesn't mean I would throw my marriage away.

The main difference of opinion here seems to be that I belive in marriage and you don't. That can't be debated so their is no sense in trying. I am sorry you have been burned in the past. I personally still give people the benifit of the doubt when I don't have the whole story.



The long post I planned to write can be summed up in a few points so here they are.

1. I refuse to make judgements about a relationship based on five or six posts by someone stressed to the gills. I refuse to make generalizations based on comments made in the heat of the moment. If I did that I also have to assume that the OP will cheat on her husband and beat his kids. I don't belive that.

2. Marriage has value. Advice to throw a relationship away based on little information and lots of assumptions does not reflect that.

3. A trained counselor who has more information than us would be better able to advise divorceruinedme and help her make important decisions about her relationship.

4. Until I know more of the story or even the other side of the story I tend to give people the benifit of the doubt.

[Bandit]

Yes the problem should be address, yes Divorceruined me has a right to be mad. Deal with it and move on. http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.php?t=14037

Wait a stinking minute.

I just caught that thread.

This same old junk has been going on since May of this year? It is now December & no one still knows what chores to do or how to get resolution? The stay at home dad is still the same? & blah blah blah.

Um, It aint going to change any time soon, hello? & looks like nothing has been dealt with & no one is moving on...actually sounds like it is getting worse IMO.
Happy 25 year Anniversary
Glad it is not me! *wink wink*

[FreshLikeADaisy]

Wise, wise, WISE words, Bandit. My hat off to you.

[Bandit]

When exactly did the OP ever say her husband did any of these things.

I am simply pointing out that basing her realationship on yours makes no more sense than me basing my judgement of her relationship on mine.
I have said numerous times that yes I would be upset. However that doesn't mean I would throw my marriage away.

I put those up in reference to my own marriage not the OP, to see your reaction to it, or how you would have dealt with it & you do not have a clue what you would have done. Somehow I get the impression that you would have stayed & lived the lie, yet I know there are people who will do that, but I wont.

You don't know what you would do until it happens to you. I can ask the same quesiton 1000 times & you will never know until it happens to you.

Who is who in the relationship has no bearing on the same facts that you have to go by. What would you do? You can say you wont throw the marriage away but you do not know that until it all happens.

Again, not everyone gets a marriage made in heaven & that is just the way it is so how you value it is not going to be the same if you ever get a rotten one, trust me.

Thanks for the dialogue but after seeing that old thread & not realizing it has been going on this long, I don't have anything else to add & except for jokes. I actually feel like I wasted two whole days posting on this trying to help a little, not because of you Jolly, but because I was not aware & thought this was more recent events & my hunch is, it is NOT going to change.

[Ortgeist]

My husband and I did for a couple of years go out on the weekends either together or with our friends. We both dj'ed at clubs downtown. I just couldn't handle having to find a babysitter, stay out late when I was tired, and then drag all of my records home at 3 am. Not to mention be wide awake at 6 or 7 am for my son. I stopped going out but my husband occasionally dj'ed and I would stay home.
I never thought he would cheat on me or anything and he hasn't. He had been dealing with alcoholism since I met him in college, but it never got to the point where it threatened our married or family life. However, he did finally stay out until 3 am one night at our neighbors party. He came home drunk to the point that he overfilled the bathtub and flooded the bathroom floor. Then proceeded to puke all over the floor. He hit his head and fell. I had just had surgery and needed help with the kids earlier that night but he never came home. So I just pretended that i was asleep- totally mad that he did that. The next morning I told him that we would not be together anymore if he did that again. He was pissed at me, but whatever! I had to think whether this is the relationship I wanted anymore. So.... we separated for 3 months. He went to AA almost everyday. We got back together and he's been sober for over 1 1/2 years.
Believe me- I could never deal with him being drunk again. I don't want my kids seeing that, nor do I trust him with the kids when he is buzzed and doppy.