Would you be upset if your husband did this?

[DivorceRuinedMe]

I want you all to know that I take EVERYTHING you all are saying very seriously and believe me, I am devising a plan and making my "kit" should it be needed.

We furthered our discussion last night when he said to me that he needed to think about all that went down b/c he just isn't feeling good about the way things are right now. He said that some changes needed to be made. When he wouldn't elaborate I got a little hurt. He expects me to just hang out and wait till he decides to tell me what's bothering him and what he wants to do to fix these problems. And what he was referring to was not a good fixing - he was talking about how he's unhappy and things were gonna change to make him happy - meaning, at my expense.

After much prodding and he still wouldn't elaborate, I decided to come at him from a different angle. I told him that I was very happy that he said that the drinking and staying out till 5am wouldn't happen again. Then - and this is something that I CANNOT get over, he said, well, I said I'd TRY not to let that happen again, but I can't guarantee it. So in effect, he's giving himself an out should it happen again. He's like - I'm not going to lie to you - it could happen again. Then I was like, well it also could happen that I have an affair but I wouldn't do that b/c I have morals and we have a set of unwritten rules that we all follow. We make choices to do things and if you want to make that choice to do that then you are opening the floodgates to allow me to have no rules. So, it's your choice I said.

He did NOT like this at all. He got all defensive and basically told me that people make mistakes and that if he accidentally falls asleep he doesn't want to be put through the wringer. Blah Blah Blah. I told him to prevent that from happening to set an alarm on his phone to go off at 2am and then he leaves at that time. How hard is that? (and I'm sure he'd find an excuse why the phone thing won't work or doesn't work should he actually take my advice and do that).

Another thing that bugged me was when I told him that he obviously has a set of internal rules b/c he refuses to use corporal punishment on the children. I was like - what stops you from doing that. Then he's like, well, there's just some things I will and won't do. And I was like, well, why can't one of them be, you come home at a reasonable hour? Then I said, what would happen if I got so mad at the kids for doing something I've told them not to do a million times (like his daughter keeps getting into my makeup and ruining it and other things she marks it up with) and I gave them a good spanking. I just snapped and it happened. Would you be okay with that seeing as we have no rules (I've previously agreed that I wouldn't spank the kids for anything but something really, really serious). He was like, if you touch my kids, I will be VERY ANGRY with you. I was like, well, what if I said, well, I'll TRY not to spank them but you know, stuff happens....mistakes are made..... He did not like this. I ended the discussion after that b/c I could just tell it was not going well. He slept on the couch after that.


This isn't about staying out till 5am at all and the more and more we debate about it the more I realize this. This is about me asking him NOT to do something and him retalitating by saying, I'm going to do whatever I want and you aren't going to stop me. This is all about control and manipulation. I'm supposed to follow his set of rules of things I should and shouldn't do but he doesn't have to do the same.

[chpxiii]

One of the things I have learned before I got into my relationship is to listen to what a man is NOT telling you. Listen very closely and keep that closer to yourself than even what he *IS* saying.

Good luck.

[whatamess]

Out of curiosity, is there something wrong with him that he cant work? I would understand if he was playing the part of homemaker & caretaker but since he is a stay at home party boy his behavior is unacceptable. He is a babysitting frat boy.
Also, out of curiosity where is the mother of his two little ones?
Dont answer if this makes you uncomfortable. Its none of my business but bugging me.
WAM

[DivorceRuinedMe]

Out of curiosity, is there something wrong with him that he cant work? I would understand if he was playing the part of homemaker & caretaker but since he is a stay at home party boy his behavior is unacceptable. He is a babysitting frat boy.
Also, out of curiosity where is the mother of his two little ones?
Dont answer if this makes you uncomfortable. Its none of my business but bugging me.
WAM

He chose to stay at home b/c he claimed that what he was making would only be enough to pay for daycare for the 3 kids and afterschool care for the 4th. I find that hard to believe now b/c he did make decent money when he was working but at the time, it seemed like a good idea to have him stay home. He loves kids and I thought he was being truthful when he said he'd take care of the house and the kids and I would work. I never thought he'd backtrack like he does now. I know now the depths of his laziness and it sickens me at times.

The mother of his kids is a deadbeat. We keep his kids full time and she doesn't pay a dime of support. She only sees them when she wants to - there really is no set times she sees them. And half the time that she wants to take them, they don't want to go with her. Why should they when they have everything at our house. They have to compete with their 2 baby stepbrothers for attention from the Mom when they are with her so they inevitably just end up staying home with us. The bitter irony of the whole situation is that I see his kids more than I see my own. My kid's father gets our son every weekend (the baby still stays with me full time) and fights me to have more time with him. The agreement that we had with his ex was that she'd see them every weekend but now all this stuff is going on with the kids not wanting to go and her just not showing up to get them and it makes my weekend life even more miserable b/c his kids are wild hooligans. I do love them but one can only take so much and them getting out on the weekends gives me a chance to have a little peace to get all the housework I can get done that I can't get done during the week when all 4 kids are there.

Oh the stress! Then put this bankruptcy mess on top of it and I need your name - Ohwhatamess should be my new name!

I'm changing my siggy now to - I want a refund, this wasn't the life I ordered!

[chpxiii]

I'm changing my siggy now to - I want a refund, this wasn't the life I ordered!

Awww... all I have for you are virtual hugs right now.

{{{{DivorceRuinedMe}}}}

[DivorceRuinedMe]

I am a huge Dr Phil fan and one of his best quotes is

" A child would rather be from a broken home than live in one"

I see now that I stole your quote - LOL. I knew I'd read it somewhere!!!

[MomIcantFindmy]

Is there some way for you to encourage him to get a job...even a small part time job. Maybe tell him that he would have some spending money. Even if you watched the kids while he worked. The reason I am saying this is because I would hate to see you leave him and then turn around and have to pay some sort of support to him because he "supposidly" stayed home to take care of the kids.

Also, keep a diary (at work..where he can't find it) it can be very useful later if you need to prove anything to a judge. Short notes are fine, date your pages. Doesn't have to be a book. You can start by printing your summaries here on this forum that you have posted.

I think you see the writing on the wall. My guess is that if you do not leave soon, he will. You can choose to have absolute control over your own life.

Take care...we are all thinking good things about you and send good thoughts to you.

[Bandit]

The oddball thing about relationships, and this is a hard thing to accept & realize concerning a marriage, is, there are no guarantees. We would all like to believe that everyone stays together until death do us part & everyone lives happy ever after in magic fairy tale land & deep inside everyone would want that.

One of the things that hit home with me after all these medical, financial, auto, employer problems- is life does not offer absolute guarantees. It knocked me off my feet when all along I thought I was standing on a rock solid foundation.

How can someone give 100% in loving someone and at the same time be able to 100% let the other person go? Give 100% that these relationship problems will be worked at & will sort out for the good & at the same time realize that it may go a different direction?
Can an individuals find comfort in that?

I look back at some of the old timers...Some of them made it to the end & were happy while others made it to the end but were miserable. My grandparents did not make it, my parents did not make it, I am no great example of making it as I have been through two relationships that were good & sour at the same time. Yet I have two aunts & uncles who will indeed make it for their whole lives.

Maybe nobody knows the answer for the very fact that life does not offer guarantees. The only guarantee there is for sure is that the body is going to eventually die but that does not mean that life can't be good & relationships steadfast & healthy along the way. At the same time I was never aware that a divorce can ruin a persons life & throw them into a BK until after I started as a member here.

Why was I so blind to this FACT all these years?

One of the most important things mentioned here when there are problems & disagreements is COMPROMISE. Yet even in that, the compromise has to be in the right places or it is not going to work. People can only compromise until they are completely broken and there is nothing left. So it is like this see-saw tug of war where you either meet in the middle or someone lets go of the rope & jumps off the teeter totter. Nobody wants to get pulled into the mudhole but hey, sometimes that happens too.
I see a lot of marriages like this where they feel they need leverage. In some ways they help each other but in other areas they kill each other or one person does all the giving & the other does all the taking & gives nothing. It aint going to work that way either. Um, it is supposed to be equal & walking side by side helping each other.

I suppose if I knew all the answers then I would be God & I suppose this whole post is a lot of blabbering & of course I could be wrong, while stiing here waiting for my Doctors appointment to find out why my left testicle is causing me so much pain knowing that I don't have a single penny left to get help.

I don't hate life really, I just hate my life.

[woeisme]

I was so glad to read in your signature that you are filing CH 7, which means it is just a matter of months before things get confirmed and the worst of the financial pressures sorted out. Since you are the sole breadwinner, I think you have a lot more power in this relationship than you realize. What would this guy do to support himself and his two kids if you left him? If I understand you right, he isn't the father of your other two kids (based on what you were saying about ex getting visitation rights with the one but not the baby yet because of the age). He's saying he's unhappy, and wants to figure out what he needs to do to improve things. Well, maybe you should suggest that he improve things by getting a job, that it may make him happier than staying at home with the kids if it's so exhausting for him. (I do believe that being a stay at home parent would be much harder than working a job, at least in my opinion. But that presumes that the stay at home parent is doing the housework, which is not the case.) Where is he getting the $ to go drinking every Friday? I assume that he has access to your paycheck in some way. Are you positive that you couldn't get some type of position at your former employer if you moved back to the area where you had friends and family to help you out? Even if it was at a lower level than what you are currently doing, if you weren't supporting 3 other people (husband and his 2 kids) your expenses would be lower, and maybe you could get help from your friends and family to help with taking care of the kids when you work. I know being a single parent is hard, but you already are one in a lot of ways. The only thing this guy adds to the relationship is that he can babysit the kids, but if he's not someone you can trust, and you don't want your two kids turning into hooligans like his and having no respect for you, like his, then you need to get out of there after the CH 7 is done with. I know, a lot easier said than done, I stayed with a real manipulative s.o.b. for a long time after I should have left myself. But my prayers are with you.

[Bandit]

Is there some way for you to encourage him to get a job...even a small part time job. Maybe tell him that he would have some spending money. Even if you watched the kids while he worked. The reason I am saying this is because I would hate to see you leave him and then turn around and have to pay some sort of support to him because he "supposidly" stayed home to take care of the kids.

Those are my thoughts as well. He can work part time when DivorceRuinedMe is not working, swapping out the responsibilites because as it is now, things are very lopsided. That would level things out quite a bit (we hope), otherwise there is that potential problem if the relationship goes totally sour.

[Bandit]

Since you are the sole breadwinner, I think you have a lot more power in this relationship than you realize.

That is happening also. There is an unbalance & there is probably a certain amount of underlying yet unspoken 'threat' that needs to be adjusted.

[Minnymouth]

You have but "one life" to live, and few chances in life to make it the kind of life that you want for you and your children.

Marriage is a "partnership" - not a "my way - or no way" relationship. One sided relationships have no future!!!

You spouse sounds like my nephew.......... He's been married 4 times times (he's 34), has 5 children (different mothers). All previous wives have been well educated - high earning women. HE IS A STAY AT HOME DAD.......... more like stay at home BUM, FREELOADER, GIG-A-LO!!!! He has lived off women since he graduated from high school. The women have the babies, work, pay the bills, and put up with weekend drinking, partying, etc. When the women get home they end up cooking, cleaning, etc. He's tired from watching kids (yeah) and playing on his computer all day.........

I asked him once when he was going to GROW UP AND BE A MAN..... he said "I'm a man, I'm just a smart man" - "I let the women support me".................

I didn't know that high educated women could be so "stupid" - in regards to love. But Love does have a tendency to be "deaf, dumb, blind, and stupid". But his wives, when they finally "saw the light", dumped him and found themselves good men to help them and work right along side of them.

My nephew will ALWAYS be this way, its his choice he made for his life - HE LIKES IT, AND THRIVES ON IT.... has what he wants in life and doesn't have to "work a lick" to have anything.

He rules and controls his wives with fear, physically and mental abuse, threats, etc.... until he's put to the TEST...

Two of his wives left in the middle of the night with the kids and never went back. One "kicked" him out on the street...... and the one he is with right now hasn't found enough "guts" to do anything yet except suffer thru the consequences of trying to live with him. Someday I hope she too gets the guts to do what she needs to do to be happy and have happy children.

Oh, he's a good man - so I've been told!! Good at what????? He has 5 kids, pays no child support (never will, he says), and laughs about how stupid some women are........

I hope you "step back" and take a good hard look at your relationship and where it is going, what its doing to you and your children, and what may lie ahead in your future!!!

Everyone here on the board have some excellent suggestions, but only you know in your "heart" what you want and what your priorities are.

Your situation is not going to change, probably get worse. Don't short-change yourself and your children out of a good life. Don't let yourself be manipulated for the rest of your life.

I hear men say "women are dime a dozen, there's another woman right around the corner".......well that works both ways....

My saying....... NOTHING IS FOREVER........If a man died today, he wouldn't be here tomorrow, so why should I worry about walking away from him!!!

My mom was married and waited 35 years for a man to die - she found out that was a long time!!!! One day, she got her wish, only thing was, she was an old woman by then..................

You do what you have to do for you and your children and your best interest. Either your man will compromise, or he won't...... if he doesn't, it means he has no intent too......

Read between his lines.................

[rilbrianne]

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I cut out a lot of my reply because I was kind of in shock of the things you put up with from him. How dare he call himself a Husband and Father. He's not worthy of being called a babysitter.

1.There are too many things about this man that you can't change and I'm sorry to say it, but I hope you aren't going to sit around and hope you can fix it. There are too many to point out and only you know your situation but I'm betting you'll be much happier being able to be happy with your children. (I can't remember if you said you had one or 2 of your own.) You sound like an intelligent, professional, hard working young woman. If you can find someplace to go, there is plenty of assistance to help you work and pay for childcare, groceries and housing.

2. Your kids (and his) deserve better than this. So do you. I'm sorry your dealing with this, If you ever need to talk... PM me. I hope you can get through this with your sanity in tact... whichever path you choose to take. God Bless sweetheart, keep us updated ok? And take care of yourself and your babes.

[FreshLikeADaisy]

...more like stay at home BUM, FREELOADER, GIG-A-LO!!!!

Oh, you made me laugh so hard when I read that! It's just the way you put it.

[rilbrianne]

I agree with you 100% Minnymouth, sounds like my Mothers boyfriend. We don't speak to either of them anymore.

It's these guys with too much self confidence finding women with almost none that makes situations like these.