Would you be upset if your husband did this?

[DivorceRuinedMe]

My husband goes out every Friday night to his best friends house. He leaves our house between 7 and 8pm and stays till around 2-2:30am. He drinks while he's there.

I go nowhere as I have an infant at home that can't be left alone and we have no money to pay a babysitter to have someone watch her anyway. I don't ever go out without him for various reasons one being that the other weekend night that we are home (Saturday nights), I like to spend it with him watching a movie or just hanging out together. I guess I could conceivably go out on that night without him if I chose to. But then we'd lose our time together.

Last night he went out and stayed out until 5:30am. When he got home I was just getting up to get ready for work and he reeked of alcohol. AND - to top it all off, I had to leave the house at 7am to go to work for some overtime so that we can afford xmas gifts for the 4 kids we have. (he's a stay at home Dad)

I got a little worried about leaving the baby with him but he said he'd be up when I had to leave (which mind you, was only an hour and a half away). I got in the shower, did my thing and when I went to wake him up he wouldn't get out of bed. I already got the baby up (she wakes around 630am) and got her all dressed. She was just waiting for him to give her her bottle. I asked him to get up and out of bed b/c there has been many occassions where he will sleep through her screaming (we've had arguments about it in the past) so I was hesitant to just leave him alone with her after a night of drinking and literally 1 and a half hours of sleep. He finally got up (made me late for work waiting on him) and was VERY ANGRY at me for making him get out of bed. He said he was up and that I should just go to work. In good conscience for the baby's sake, I just couldn't force myself to do that.

He made me feel so awful about the whole situation. Like I have no reason to be worried about him caring for the baby with no sleep and hung over. He says there are plenty of mornings that he gets no sleep and I was like, well, not after a night of drinking! So now he's mad at me, I'm at work and I'm just so lost right now.

Would you be mad if you were in my situation? I know this whole weekend is shot now b/c he holds grudges and won't talk to me until *I* apologize to him.

UGH. Life just sucks sometimes.

[Bandit]

UGH. Life just sucks sometimes.

Maybe it is not totally life that sucks but more like HIM that sucks sometimes.

I doubt many will get in between you & your relationship like that or take sides with many comments but I can guess what a lot of people will be thinking.

So what are you supposed to apologize for? Going to work to feed the family & pay the bills & making sure someone is awake & sober at home to watch the baby?

[lrprn]

I think you know that this is a bad situation, but need someone else to say that out loud. So here goes.....this is not a safe situation for your child.

No caregiver can be attentive on 1.5 hours of sleep on top of a night of heavy drinking regardless of what they say. Your husband has a right to his night out, but not when that night out puts your child at risk.

Is the situation you describe happening on other mornings or just on Saturday mornings? Do you have family or friends who can help care for the baby on Saturdays until you two can work this through?

After 15 years as a pediatric intensive care nurse, I can assure you that bad things in this very situation can and do happen to children all the time. Your child is depending on you and your husband to ensure he/she is safe. Don't wait until a tragedy happens and your child is hurt or worse - this situation is ripe for it if you allow it to continue.

[whatamess]

Well, if he were MY husband I would beat the crap out of him. (Joke)
I can get why, as a stay at home dad he needs a night out, but that kind of night is the type I had when I was single, childless and between 18-25. Once I had kids I gave up that type of lifestyle.
My husband did this to me when I was pregnant with my first and when she was up to six months old. He would pull all nighters with his friend who owned a cafe. I was suspicous so I spied, but they just sat around as Asian males do playing cards and doing shots. I talked to him about it. He agreed to one night out a month with the boys and I could have one with the girls. Once in a blue moon I hang with my sisters for a few hours for a movie but thats all. I just dont care anymore. Lots of moms I know go out several times A month and get trashed but I see no point with kids to take care of. When I lived that lifestyle it was because I had no one to come home to.
Okay back to the point. I would tell him flat out he needs to lower it down to 2x a month, and be home at midnight. I would tell himk EXACTLY how you feel about your time together, and the BAD example he is making to the kids. Make sure he does not drive drunk.
Maybe he needs to get a PT job to get out of the house a bit. Most men are not cut out to be stay at home dads. Mine loves his girls buy would go mad at the nitty gritty of cleaning, cooking, homework, laundry, play dates, school activities, budgeting/bill paying etc on a daily basis. Its maddening enough for me. I have to contend w/my mother as well.
My dh was a stay at home dad too at the time of his all nighters due to green card issues. Once he got a job he toned down and now he he goes out with his one guy friend maybe a few times a year to spar at tae kwon do or have dinner and talk about men things. His other golf buddies and him get together a few times a year at best now He'd rather be with his kids now, esp. since the 8 y/o golfs!!
Be honest, heartfelt, and gentle. Most men respond to that.
This is all just my opinion though...lol....All the best &
Good luck!
WAM

[RickInMich]

lrprn is right!! This is a tragedy waiting to happen. How old are your other children? Would they be able to handle an emergency with the baby? If your husband sleeps through her screaming, I'm sure he would sleep through the smoke alarm, too. Lrprn is a nurse and sees that end of it, but I work in the court system, and I see that end. If something were to happen while he were sleeping, you guys would end up at the very least involved in the whole Social Services spectrum and could end up losing your kids. It's THAT serious.

Obviously, with four children involved, it is definitely in your best interest to rectify this short of divorce. But you have every right to insist that if he goes out on Friday night, and you work Saturday morning, he must be home no later than midnight. My God. The man has four children. I have four kids, too, and I can't tell you the last time I went out with friends. Well, actually, I can count on one hand since I got married nearly 10 years ago. I would feel tremendously guilty leaving my wife home to care for the kids so I could go have fun.

But since he is a stay-at-home dad, I can also see his need to get out of the house. And since you guys can't afford a babysitter at this point (boy, do I relate!), it doesn't sound like you can go out together. But there just has to be limits on his time out at night.

Good luck. Please seek some outside help on this if you can't get it resolved. Sometimes just a couple marriage counseling sessions does wonders. It doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble to go for counseling, by the way. It just helps to get an objective opinion.

Oh, and you have nothing whatsoever to apologize for. Take care!

[arkienurse]

Would you be mad if you were in my situation? I know this whole weekend is shot now b/c he holds grudges and won't talk to me until *I* apologize to him.

UGH. Life just sucks sometimes.

I would be totally pissed if I were in your situation. And be damned if I would apologize for making sure he was up and awake before leaving him with the baby already up. Situations like that are how accidents happen and Child protective services get called.

If I were you, I would have to request that especially on nights when you have to work the next day, he not go out drinking. If he refuses, I would attempt marriage counseling. I realize that everyone needs to get out occasionally, but at some point we have to grow up and act like adults, putting our kids before our own pleasure.
So sorry you had to go through this today.

[DivorceRuinedMe]

Thanks for the support everyone. I am feeling better than I did when I wrote this.

It's not an ongoing thing - he rarely comes home THIS late but he did today. And I usually don't have to work but it does ruin our weeknd b/c he ends up tired all weekend and then during the week his sleep schedule gets all messed up just from this one night out. He was all chipper when I got home like nothing was wrong. I let it drop but I'm still upset.

He acts like it's nothing to roll in that late, be on meds for anxiety (xanax and buspirone (or something like that)) and drink and have to get up to take care of the baby. She was fine when I got home but it could have been drastically different like you all said. He swears he was fine but I mean, how fine can you be with 1 1/2 hours sleep, hung over and on meds.

This is a second marriage for both of us and man, I totally realize now I rushed this too fast but I'm here now and I must make the best of it for the kids sake. The kids are 5,3,3, and 11 months. 2 are mine and 2 are his. I can't in good conscience up root them all again.

It's good just having other people here to talk to about it. I feel so alone without you guys. I moved away from my family to start my new life with my new husband and I regret it a bit.

Anyway - thank you all for making me feel like I wasn't crazy for being upset about this. He still maintains that he can stay out as many friday nights as he wants as late as he wants and there's nothing I'm going to do or say to stop it. So, I will just deal with it I guess. No sense crying about it.

[robivi3]

BAD SITUATION, REALLY FRAKKING BAD ON HIS PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

It is about responsibility, life really is about responsibility. This looks awful to children. Children don't "adjust", they just absorb the damage. You need to get someone on the outside who knows you both to take an objective look. I have a couple of friends who put me in check, they are the hardest kind to find.

[yoyoma51]

Any Judge Judy fans here?

I would LOVE to hear her take on this (and her advice to DivorceRuinedMe)!

[kiddles]

Honey, you may be married, but your husband isn't.

He's living the single life (except not having to deal with the whole dating scene), gets his meals, laundry, housework etc. done and his bills paid - and gets s*x on top. All he has to do is babysit - and he is just a babysitter, not a parent.

Your the mom, they're siblings, and he's just living at home.

[MomIcantFindmy]

Whoa...........you can't mix Xanax and alcohol!! BAD BAD Combination!! That is really scary if he is mixing them. If he will not go to a counselor with you then you should go for yourself so you can deal with his behavior. You did nothing wrong! You are right to question his behavior!!
Here is a link to a article on Alcohol and Xanax

http://www.xanax-effects.com/xanax_and_alcohol_together.html

[boinga]

Speaking as a child who lived with a parent and step-parent for a few years who were "sticking it out", and then who was uprooted, my feeling is that it's FAR better to be uprooted for a good cause than to stay put for a lost cause.

He's immature, not setting a good example, you're justifiably upset, and it is just a rotten situation for kids to grow up in. I remember what it was like. (I was actually 13 and uprooted myself just to get out of there.)

You obviously love your kids and are mature in caring for them. Coming from that place, anything you do that is best for YOU is going to be best for them too. They deserve a mom who is happy. "Just dealing with it" is a recipe for growing anger and resentment and kids perceive a lot more than they're given credit for. If it's allowed to go on without some remedy it just becomes a poisonous environment.

I don't know what's right in this situation, but don't put up with something unacceptable and possibly dangerous just because you're afraid of upsetting the apple cart. Sometimes it needs to be upset.

Also, don't forget that since YOU are the breadwinner you have some leverage here!

[kl030505]

wow. there's no way staying out till 5:30am for a random guys night out is acceptable - especially if you have to care for the children the next day. Is he drinking and driving? There's a lot about this situation that is bothersome to me... I think you need to take a good long look at what is going on and what you are ok with and what you are not. Then, you guys need to talk about it... maybe in counseling... I'm so sorry.

[yoyoma51]

DivorceRuinedMe-

Time to start thinking about what's best for you and your kids long term (even if it means making hard decisions now).

You can do it! Set a date, seek some help and if it doesn't get noticeably better by your target date, get out. Have a plan. Take control. Do what's best for you and the kids, not what's easiest!

In the meantime, remember you're in our thoughts!

[CindyLou]

I agree that if this was an very rare occasion thing...like a birthday celebration for a friend, etc...it would be not big deal. But I have a very big problem with any husband and/or father spending time away from home for any reason on a regular basis if they don't have to and on top of it drinking and mixing with drugs...whether legal or not. He should be taking every opportunity to spend time with you and your baby.

As far as the alchohol and meds. This is very serious and your child should never be left in his care when his is mixing these substances...or even each of them alone in any level that incapaciates for that matter. I am a maternal child nurse as well as pediatrics. If you told me your story at work with your child as my patient, it would prompt an IMMEDIATE call to child services! Your baby is not safe with your husband.

You said yourself he sleep through the cries. What if there was a fire or some other emergency? Would he wake up and be able to react in the appropriate matter? What if there was an emergency that required your husband to drive your child to the hospital? In the case of this morning he would not have been able to do this.

My husband and I do not have children but we went throught a rough patch where he was drinking more than he should and going out to bars with his friends. I put my foot down and now he goes on special occasions only or I am invited. I don't like to go, so that doesn't happen often. Things are MUCH better now for us. We are much happier to have gotten that stuff out of our life.

I don't say these things to make your worry, but I want to be straight with you regarding your child' safety. Do not leave your child with him when he has been drinking. A good rule of thumb is if he would not pass a sobriety test by a policeman then he cannot care a child!!! PERIOD.

I am really sorry that you are going through this. I hope things get better for you. If you always put your baby's safety first, you can't go wrong.

Best wishes,
Cindy