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    Need to gripe!! Personal, non bk problems. Very long

    I know this is rambling, and I don't expect anyone to make it through to the end, but I have a need to get it off my chest.

    I believe I posted earlier this year that my step daughter and her family were living with us temporarily. Well, they got the SSD settlement payment they were waiting on and bought a cheap trailer that DH allowed them to place next door to us. I like getting to know the grandson that I had only seen 2x before they moved back( he turned 3 after they moved in with us). But------
    The SS payment was a one time until the drs determine if Son in law is permanently disabled( which they did this week- so now paperwork has to process for a few months and his check will start). StepDD has been getting a disability check from the military and that is ALL the $$ they have coming in, in addition to food stamps and WIC. I absolutely do not mind her "borrowing" any sort of food stuffs, but jesh, at least let me know you did it. I am always coming in and she forgot oil or flour. My tinfoil and ziplocks come up missing everytime she gets her stamps and goes grocery shopping., not to mention that I am forever having to retrieve my cooking gear.
    And they both manage to find the money for smokes. They almost live on the front porch smoking. Which is a good thing that they are outside at least, grandson has asthma.
    But what really bugs me is this:
    DS is home from college for the summer. He is working a very hot job at the local sawmill, rather than the job he had last summer which entailed a drive into town every day(9miles one way). He has a dorm fridge in his room and keeps it stocked with his own sodas and snacks, as I don't keep sodas for the kids. Next door has found out about this and will come over and get sodas when theirs is run out and no stamps left for the month. It is so bad that he bought mountain dew this time instead of the dr pepper and coke that he actually likes, because they don't like MD. He has asked them not to get his drinks, but they come over during the day when only my 13 and 4 year olds are home. I am ready to get him a key lock on his door, which is something I swore I would never allow my kids to have as long as they are living under MY roof.
    Then, she got her disability money yesterday. She had hot checks to pick up at the local mom and pop grocery. So what do they do????????? They go and buy a dog. They already have 2 dogs and 2 cats, and borrow our dog and cat food to get through the month when they run out. Yet another mouth to feed. The kicker that has me so peeved- They actually had the nerve to ask DS if they could borrow money from him last night., the same day she got her check. It is all gone until the end of next month. And his brother moved in with them and just quit his job last week because he got shorted a few hours on his check. Without having a replacement lined up!!!
    Ive tried to talk to them about budgeting, to no avail, they see no reason to budget because he is going to start receiveing his check soon, and grandson will get a check too.

    Sorry, I just needed to gripe and get it out of my system. Here I am struggling along, working extra hours at work, away from my girls that need me home more, just to make ends meet, and it galls me to see they are trying to work the system for all it can give them, and are seemingly ok with the fact that they will be on a limited income for the rest of their lives, and that neither one of them can afford to pay their child support obligations to his 4 yr old and her 10 yr old. Grandson's clothes are usually too big for him, because if I find something in the next size at a yard sale, or if someone else gives him clothes, she puts them on him, no matter how big they are on him.
    Sigh, groan,

    Ok , I am through now Thanks for listening if you made it this far.
    Chapter 13 filed -8/12/04
    Plan approved- 7/11/05
    Date discharged--10-12-2007
    Date closed- 12/6/2007:yes2::yes2:

    #2
    I saw a family on 20/20 or Dateline. One of those kinds of shows. They have 6 kids, make less than $40K/year, and live somewhere with an astronomically high cost of living.

    Those people SHOP. They go once a month and stock up. They clip coupons. They communicate in the stores with walkie-talkies. They have freezers. A couple extra fridges. So there are times when there's tons of food in that house.

    The extra fridges are locked. The freezers are locked. Cabinets in the kitchen are locked. Mom and Dad are very strict with how and when, and how much of the food is used. The Mom said it was the only way they could keep their food bills under control.

    Your "neighbors" aren't gonna change their spending habits. Why would they??!! They don't need to. They have enablers. Your family. And their money problems aren't gonna improve when the Disability Checks start rolling in. They'll just fritter away more money aimlessly.

    If you need to change the locks to your house, do it. If Son needs a lock on his bedroom door. Do it! You've got to do what you've got to do to keep your living costs under control.

    Is it any wonder you have so much stress you had to be tested for a potential heart condition??!!
    Filed Ch 7 - 09/06
    Discharged - 12/2006
    Officially Declared No Asset - 03/2007
    Closed - 04/2007

    I am not an attorney. My comments are based on personal experience and research. Always consult an attorney in your area to address concerns related to your particular situation.

    Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. - Woody Allen...

    Comment


      #3
      I agree with SF 100%. You've tried to help, but your step-daughter and her group contiue to take the easy way out. This situation has crossed over helping into full bore enabling.

      Suggest that you have one last frank conversation explaining that you are struggling financially and can't replace the food and other items they are taking from your home. Ask them politely to stop or although you hate to do it, you will be forced to take measures to make it stop. If the pilfering happens one more time, put the locks on. Why they are there will be self-explanatory.

      They will be mad because no one likes to have their easy way out taken away. But you will have peace of mind knowing that what you need will there when you need it, that you put your family first, and that you've stopped allowing them to take unfair advantage of your generous and giving spirit.
      I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice nor a statement of the law - only a lawyer can provide those.

      06/01/06 - Filed Ch 13
      06/28/06 - 341 Meeting
      07/18/06 - Confirmation Hearing - not confirmed, 3 objections
      10/05/06 - Hearing to resolve 2 trustee objections
      01/24/07 - Judge dismisses mortgage company objection
      09/27/07 - Confirmed at last!
      06/10/11 - Trustee confirms all payments made
      08/10/11 - DISCHARGED !

      10/02/11 - CASE CLOSED
      Countdown: 60 months paid, 0 months to go

      Comment


        #4
        I whole heartedly agree with both of the above comments. As long as you enable them to mooch, they will, and they won't think twice about it.

        Something happened with the kids, now young adults, of today. Somehow, they didn't pick up on our priorities, pride or self sufficiency and they won't until you force them.Be ready to stand your ground.

        As someone who was seriously taken advantage of by my own daughter, please do yourself a favor and put a stop to it. You will feel better about and sooner or later, they will too.
        I used to have a life, now I have grandkids.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by arkienurse View Post
          I know this is rambling, and I don't expect anyone to make it through to the end, but I have a need to get it off my chest.

          I believe I posted earlier this year that my step daughter and her family were living with us temporarily. Well, they got the SSD settlement payment they were waiting on and bought a cheap trailer that DH allowed them to place next door to us. I like getting to know the grandson that I had only seen 2x before they moved back( he turned 3 after they moved in with us). But------
          The SS payment was a one time until the drs determine if Son in law is permanently disabled( which they did this week- so now paperwork has to process for a few months and his check will start). StepDD has been getting a disability check from the military and that is ALL the $$ they have coming in, in addition to food stamps and WIC. I absolutely do not mind her "borrowing" any sort of food stuffs, but jesh, at least let me know you did it. I am always coming in and she forgot oil or flour. My tinfoil and ziplocks come up missing everytime she gets her stamps and goes grocery shopping., not to mention that I am forever having to retrieve my cooking gear.
          And they both manage to find the money for smokes. They almost live on the front porch smoking. Which is a good thing that they are outside at least, grandson has asthma.
          But what really bugs me is this:
          DS is home from college for the summer. He is working a very hot job at the local sawmill, rather than the job he had last summer which entailed a drive into town every day(9miles one way). He has a dorm fridge in his room and keeps it stocked with his own sodas and snacks, as I don't keep sodas for the kids. Next door has found out about this and will come over and get sodas when theirs is run out and no stamps left for the month. It is so bad that he bought mountain dew this time instead of the dr pepper and coke that he actually likes, because they don't like MD. He has asked them not to get his drinks, but they come over during the day when only my 13 and 4 year olds are home. I am ready to get him a key lock on his door, which is something I swore I would never allow my kids to have as long as they are living under MY roof.
          Then, she got her disability money yesterday. She had hot checks to pick up at the local mom and pop grocery. So what do they do????????? They go and buy a dog. They already have 2 dogs and 2 cats, and borrow our dog and cat food to get through the month when they run out. Yet another mouth to feed. The kicker that has me so peeved- They actually had the nerve to ask DS if they could borrow money from him last night., the same day she got her check. It is all gone until the end of next month. And his brother moved in with them and just quit his job last week because he got shorted a few hours on his check. Without having a replacement lined up!!!
          Ive tried to talk to them about budgeting, to no avail, they see no reason to budget because he is going to start receiveing his check soon, and grandson will get a check too.

          Sorry, I just needed to gripe and get it out of my system. Here I am struggling along, working extra hours at work, away from my girls that need me home more, just to make ends meet, and it galls me to see they are trying to work the system for all it can give them, and are seemingly ok with the fact that they will be on a limited income for the rest of their lives, and that neither one of them can afford to pay their child support obligations to his 4 yr old and her 10 yr old. Grandson's clothes are usually too big for him, because if I find something in the next size at a yard sale, or if someone else gives him clothes, she puts them on him, no matter how big they are on him.
          Sigh, groan,

          Ok , I am through now Thanks for listening if you made it this far.
          I have a feeling you already know what everybody else said about this...the enabler. That is why you are her typing your heart out instead of telling who you need to tell about it. Set some boundries and be firm. Good luck! It is always hard dealing with family. SandT

          Comment


            #6
            It is SO hard to set firm boundaries with family--believe me, I know. I'm having a tough time learning to set boundaries with my very toxic parents, but am finally able to do it in small steps.

            I would definitely let DS get a lock for his things. And I would tell step-daughter and co. that I'm changing locks and if they get mad, TUFF.

            It is easier said than done. But you have to think of your own health--physical and emotional.

            Vent anytime and hang in there!

            jane
            Filed: 2/24/2006
            341 mtg: 4/4/2006:angel:
            Discharged: 9/25/08!!!!!:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:

            Comment


              #7
              Move/Get the trailer AWAY from the house.. or vice versa... They wil not trade $5.00 gasoline/drive for couple cans of coke for sure!..
              Last edited by BKOnce; 07-02-2007, 05:27 AM.

              Comment


                #8
                I agree with most of what is said. Have a "come to Jesus" meeting with them, and if it doesn't stop, then change locks and all.

                I do have to comment on the one line from Granny - don't lump ALL young adults of today in that category. I know several who don't aks for help, work their tails off, and can't get ahead. I'd like to think I fall into that category. Maybe if I'd asked for help a few years ago I wouldn't be posting on this website.

                But, things happen and here we are, but to lump all young audlts of today into a category of freeloaders and people working the system is just flat wrong.
                Success is not so much measured by what one has attained in life but rather by what one has overcome while trying to succeed - Booker T. Washington

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by nosrus77 View Post
                  I do have to comment on the one line from Granny - don't lump ALL young adults of today in that category.
                  But, things happen and here we are, but to lump all young audlts of today into a category of freeloaders and people working the system is just flat wrong.
                  You are right, I did the very same thing that the older generations did to my generation; I generalized. I remember how it angered me when it was applied to my peers. I apologize, I was definitely in the wrong.

                  But just wait, I bet in another 30 years you'll be making the same type of generalization yourself about the babies of today
                  I used to have a life, now I have grandkids.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Yes, its time to "have a serious talk with in-laws"...... tho hubby may disagree if its his daughter......

                    First, talk to hubby about the situation, let him know they are lifting food, etc out of your house to feed everyone over there, including anyone THEY take in..... I'm sure they get food stamps, etc..... if not they need to apply....especially since they have a child.

                    Depending on what hubbys REACTION IS....... Hopefully on your side!!! Tho sometimes they are NOT..... TAKE YOUR OWN ACTION AS NEEDED!!!!

                    Change the locks on the doors, let your son have a lock on his door (you keep a key-lol), lock your freezer if you have too.......

                    If they can sit on the porch and smoke - they can go out and get a job if they need too........even if its pushing a pencil all day......

                    Since they "blow their money" - cut off all funds too them...... no funds, no smokes, etc...... LET THEM SWEAT.......THEY'LL LEARN TO BUDGET OR DO WITHOUT......

                    And that's not being cruel either....... that's forcing them to live within their means of income...... and to budget their money wisely.....

                    If you don't do something, you and your DH will be finding yourself supporting them also, along with your own family.....

                    If they can get what they need at your house FREE - why spend their money buying it.......

                    I rent rooms at my house, my roommates have full run of the house, use of kitchen, washer and dryer, etc......

                    BUT - THEY HAVE TO BUY THEIR OWN GROCERIES/LAUNDRY ITEMS.......
                    I don't supply any of it......

                    My bar is under lock and key (no freebies there for them either) and I know how many beers is in the frig). I have a lock on my freezer (one roommate loved steaks, shrimp - but didn't like buying it)

                    I've been known to "kick a**" if I start finding my groceries gone..............

                    I didn't take any of them to RAISE - SUPPORT - OR FEED................

                    Once I got it all STRAIGHT with them, then we no longer had any problems.... they know and have learned the boundaries.........

                    Get this issue under control as quickly as you can........ don't let it create a problem between you and your spouse......nip it in the bud......!

                    Sounds like you have gone out of your way already to Help them, and now they want to take advantage of the situation as much as they can.......

                    My roommates "live in fear" if they even touch my Pepsi's - lol....... They know it can cost them the roof over their head.......

                    They are grown men and women, let them support themselves.......

                    Right now you sure can't afford the extra expense, shouldn't have too, and why should you!!

                    Everybody has "hard times", but its not "NICE" TO TAKE ADAVANTAGE OF THOSE THAT ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU...... and many will do that if you let them or leave that "door" open to them....

                    You and your hubby have a "powwow", then have a "powwow" with step-daughter and her spouse, and his brother.

                    Let them know "upfront" the FREE RIDE IS OVER, they have to support themselves, you are not feeding them, and nothing else better be leaving your house to theirs......

                    Even now they feel comfortable wanting to "borrow money".........

                    Never an end to the borrowing, or let me have thing..... it only gets worse....

                    The more they can get from you, the less they have to spend their money on..

                    HELP THEM - BUT DO NOT LET THEM USE YOU..........and right now that's what they are doing...............

                    Keep us posted on what you do and how it turns out.......

                    Dealing with family can be so frustrating.....especially when kids are involved also..... (many use them as a weapon against grandparents)....

                    I sure hope you and your spouse see eye-to-eye on this situation or its going to make it very difficult for you.....

                    JUST REMEMBER - WHEN MOMMA AIN'T HAPPY - NOBODY IS HAPPY - AND ESPECIALLY DADDY............... he has to live with momma!!! LOL.....

                    Good Luck,

                    Minny
                    Minny

                    "It's amazing the paths that our feet sometimes follow in life".

                    My suggestions are from "personal experience" and research only. Do not consider this as legal advice. Each bankruptcy case is different.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      A NOTE:

                      The Human Race is the only species that still support their children after they are grown!!!!!

                      Author Unknown!
                      Minny

                      "It's amazing the paths that our feet sometimes follow in life".

                      My suggestions are from "personal experience" and research only. Do not consider this as legal advice. Each bankruptcy case is different.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Listen, don't feel bad fopr griping, I've got a wife beating, mother's money stealing BIL who has tried to intrude on our lives over the years because the world revolves around his sub-human neanderthal rear end. This mammal forced his 40 year ol way into our home about five years ago because he needed to see his "Mami", that is the correct vernacular for this primal beast. My wife called the cops and he vacated quickly and permanently because he is also a Corrections Officer, he has so bloody manipulated the system that he broke into his ex-wifes home and when the cops came feigned a "heart condition" went into the hospital and this girl ended up accused of hitting him, he flashed a badge and she was cuffed. This was a nice girl (she died of a blood clot that entered her heart) that he totally trashed but she broke free got an education and lifted herself up before she died. Unfortunately he looted and the court gave him access to the money in trust for her life Insurance that she had stipulated for the kids when they were 18.
                        "You once asked me for advice. You want some now? Never pass up a good thing." Lieutenant Jean Rasczak, Starship Troopers

                        Join the Mobile Infantry and save the world. Service guarantees citizenship.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Yes, each family has its "scavengers", free loaders, jigalows, and bums........

                          Guess it takes all kinds to make up the world.

                          You love them BUT you don't have to accept their lifestyle as part of yours.

                          Help your family, but nobody should be USED by their family... and many are.

                          Many will lie, beg, borrow, bum and steal to keep from having to WORK....

                          I have them in my family too - 40 year old BUMS..........USERS......Not worth a crap!!! But they are still family......

                          But it sure don't mean I have to support them, no matter how many EMPTY ROOMS I have at my house........

                          If they truely NEEDED the help, then I would be there for them.....but to deliberately set myself up to be USED - no way......

                          Love them, but don't make it easy for them...... make them GROW UP....
                          Minny

                          "It's amazing the paths that our feet sometimes follow in life".

                          My suggestions are from "personal experience" and research only. Do not consider this as legal advice. Each bankruptcy case is different.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Wow, thanks for the advice. I do appreciate all of it, and will take it to heart. DH admitted today that he made a mistake by telling them they could move here.
                            Chapter 13 filed -8/12/04
                            Plan approved- 7/11/05
                            Date discharged--10-12-2007
                            Date closed- 12/6/2007:yes2::yes2:

                            Comment


                              #15
                              I cant believe they had the guts to go buy a dog while they cant even feed the family. That is unbelievably dumb. Maybe you have to tell them to pay you at least a small 'lot' rent if your Dh will allow it. As it is now you may be stuck with them for years....!!
                              Um, now I DONT want to get TOOO paranoid or personal, but you mentioned ziplocs and tinfoil. They use to dissappear too after a certain family member of mine got money......she was using the tinfoil to make pipes and the ziplocs to make baggies to sell and or store pot....I have known quite a few to sell public assistance checks and goods for *other* goods. For use and resale....
                              Im sure thats NOT the case, but just in case....It seems that these types of extra curricular activitiy are getting more common. Its better to be safe than sorry!!!

                              Hopefully these folks are not that type. I have one heck of a naughty extended family and always assume the worst. Cuz it usually is.
                              Good luck...
                              WAM
                              ch7 8/07 CLOSED: 11/07 Rebuilding and saving.
                              WAMU unsecured $2,000 Capital One unsecured $500
                              PAID OFF MONTHLY!!!

                              Comment

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