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**JollyGG** · 05-02-2007, 07:55 AM

I can't get supper cooked when I get home with only two kids under foot. I wait for my husband to get home. Of course my kids want my attention just then since we just got home.
I would think that four kids could majorly trash the house in a day and that he is doing good if he manages to keep the house in a condition resembeling the one you left it in that morning. He can pick up a little during aftenoon nap time. He can probably get the kitchen picked up while the kids play outside if he can see them from the kitchen. He can have the kids help pick up their toys. The kids can set and clear the table. Otherwise I just don't think it is realistic for him to be able to get much done for chores during the day.

I know there are a number of SAHM on this board they could probably give you a more realistic idea.

**DivorceRuinedMe** · 05-02-2007, 08:19 AM

Originally posted by JollyGG View Post

I can't get supper cooked when I get home with only two kids under foot. I wait for my husband to get home. Of course my kids want my attention just then since we just got home.
I would think that four kids could majorly trash the house in a day and that he is doing good if he manages to keep the house in a condition resembeling the one you left it in that morning. He can pick up a little during aftenoon nap time. He can probably get the kitchen picked up while the kids play outside if he can see them from the kitchen. He can have the kids help pick up their toys. The kids can set and clear the table. Otherwise I just don't think it is realistic for him to be able to get much done for chores during the day.

I know there are a number of SAHM on this board they could probably give you a more realistic idea.

I can't get supper cooked either with kids under foot. It's funny that you say that. I mentioned this to him and said that I would come home early from work so that there would be two of us home from 4pm on. He said - Oh no - I would rather have you home later (I would get home between 5 and 6) and then you can stay up later at night with me. The kids are in bed by 9 (which I think is WAYYYYY too late for preschoolers and toddlers but that's another issue we are hashing out right now too - feel free to weigh in on that too please). That leaves me just like 1 hour or so of peace before I'm wiped out. I may be able to stay up till like 11 if I don't have to get up till 630am. That would leave me 2 hours of kid free time - YIPEE!!! He thinks he's going to be able to cook dinner with 4 kids around. I think he's dreaming. Guess we'll have to work it out and see.

So you think expecting him to just have the kitchen cleaned up and the toys all put away by bedtime, plus potentially cooking supper alone is a good enough chore list for him during the week? (Mind you - the 5 year old will be in school full time starting in August so he'll just have the two 3 year olds and the baby).

**wrinkleigh** · 05-02-2007, 08:34 AM

I have two kids 5 and 3, and I cant get anything done with them around. Both DH and I work full time -- but on weekends, I cant even clean house with them at home because they move right behind me destroying the room I just cleaned.

Same for cooking supper. DH goes outside with them and plays while I cook. Its a lost cause to try and get anything done with them in the house.

I personally think that it is unrealistic to ask him to cook dinner. He may try killing himself for a few weeks and get it done, but he will come to resent it. And like you, I wouldnt want him to neglect the kids just to fix dinner. I think it would be realistically possible for him to do laundry with the little ones in tow -- they could help. And a load or two a day all week, would keep it caught up. Also, How about -- just picking up what the kids mess up in the house on a daily basis

Maybe you could watch the kids once you get home, and he can fix dinner. Then one of you do dishes and kitchen clean up, while the other one gives a bath. Then everyone help pick up the house one last time before bed.

I know its easy to think that he should do it all because he is home all day and you work. But I have been on the opposite side of it -- and goign to work everyday is MUCH easier than staying home with the kids.

**DivorceRuinedMe** · 05-02-2007, 09:08 AM

I totally agree that going to work is much easier than watching the kids. I couldn't stay home - no way, no how. That is some tough sh*t staying home! I just hate that all the housework is left to the weekends when the kids go to see their other parents. I guess if we are both doing housework on the weekends it won't bother me. If he's lounging around and I'm busting a$$ trying to do all the housework then that won't fly.

I just know that his kids are pretty independent and my 3 year old is too. Now he hasn't watched the baby at all without me there for more than an hour or two here and there. I guess he'll get his reality check when he's home with all 4 of them without me. He'll see just how much dinner he can cook - LOL.

I REALLY want to do one of those cooking places where you make all your meals for like a month at one time, bring them home and freeze them and then pull them out each night. I think I may look into that if it's too much trying to cook each night.

**Minnymouth** · 05-02-2007, 09:42 AM

Makes you wonder HOW your parents did it, huh????

Many men are more versital than you might think..... and can accomplish much when they get "their schedule" together..... many are better homemakers than women.....

My youngest brother had 5 small stairstep rugrats..... he injured his back on the job and was laid up for almost 2 years...... thus his wife went to work and he became MR. MOM................

During that 2 year time span his wife got hurt on the job and hospitalized for months in the burn ward. Then "Mr. Mom" went into "highspeed"......

He HANDLED EVERYTHING, kids, baths,cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, homework, etc every day...... plus daily visits to see his wife. The only time the kids weren't with him was his short trip to the hospital daily, then a neighbor girl kept an eye on them for a few minutes.

He turned out to be a better cook, housekeeper, and child-rearing parent than his wife was. Kids helped him daily, they had chores themselves. He rewarded them with trips to the park, out for icecream, etc. Even took them all camping one weekend. And I'm talking little kids from 6 months to 7 years - 5 of them......

Its amazaing what some of these men can do when they are really put to the test!!!!

His kids are all grown now, but they all admire Mr. Mom........ and some of them only have 1 or 2 kids of their own. They asked him how he did it - he told them - Lots of patience, Lots of Love, and The Will to Survive!!!

So let these guys "do their thing" - they just might SURPRISE YOU!!!!

**DivorceRuinedMe** · 05-02-2007, 10:05 AM

And therein lies my problem Minny - I don't know what to expect of him. I hate this in a way. I don't want either one of us to be resentful of the other one and I'm trying my darndest to avoid that. I guess just talking it out is the best way. My idea of clean and his are two different things though - LOL. I guess if I want it cleaned up to my specifications I'll just have to bite the bullet and do it myself. He is a really great guy so I have to cut him some slack in the cleaning dept. He can't be perfect at everything!

I just really want us to work and with it being a new marriage I'm trying to avoid all the stuff I went through fighting with my ex. He is too and that's what makes us both try so hard to please the other person. I do see him taking advantage occassionally though. I think I need to point that out a bit more. I'm just so cautious now of saying anything. I don't want to mess up this marriage.

**JollyGG** · 05-02-2007, 10:19 AM

Originally posted by DivorceRuinedMe View Post

I can't get supper cooked either with kids under foot. It's funny that you say that. I mentioned this to him and said that I would come home early from work so that there would be two of us home from 4pm on. He said - Oh no - I would rather have you home later (I would get home between 5 and 6) and then you can stay up later at night with me. The kids are in bed by 9 (which I think is WAYYYYY too late for preschoolers and toddlers but that's another issue we are hashing out right now too - feel free to weigh in on that too please). That leaves me just like 1 hour or so of peace before I'm wiped out. I may be able to stay up till like 11 if I don't have to get up till 630am. That would leave me 2 hours of kid free time - YIPEE!!! He thinks he's going to be able to cook dinner with 4 kids around. I think he's dreaming. Guess we'll have to work it out and see.

So you think expecting him to just have the kitchen cleaned up and the toys all put away by bedtime, plus potentially cooking supper alone is a good enough chore list for him during the week? (Mind you - the 5 year old will be in school full time starting in August so he'll just have the two 3 year olds and the baby).

Supper may be an easier chore for him than it is for you. Both my husband and I work. I pick up the kids and get home around 5:30 or 6:00. The baby wants nursed, the four year old wants some Mommy time, they both want to cuddle, tell me about their day, ect. There is no way I could get supper on until my husband comes home around 6:30. Then one of us entertains the kids while the other cooks. If Dad is home all day the kids are not going to want his constant attention at that time of day. He's been with them all day.

How much he can get done also depends on what he does with the kids during the day. With three and four year olds they are old enough for workbooks, crafts, and other projects. If he's doing alot of stuff like that with them plus taking trips to the park, or the library he's not going to get quite as much done around the house. There are down times with kids such as nap time, while their playing outside, while you let them watch a little bit of tv that he could get stuff done. But he also deserves to sit for a few minutes during those down times. Four kids is alot of work. I'm sure you'll find the right balance. He will find a routine that works for him and the kids. I think a good start is just to expect to not come home to a destroyed house most days. I think expecting him to just have the kitchen cleaned up and the toys all put away by bedtime, plus potentially cooking supper alone is a good start. Mabey he'll get more done or mabey he'll have to find supper to be too much to handle. What may work for supper is for you to spend time with the kids when you get home while he cooks. Then like someone else suggested take turns on kitchen clean up and bedtime duties.

As for the bedtime. We have always aimed for an 8:00 bedtime for my son otherwise he is too tired. However he has to be up around 6am to get dressed, eat breakfast, ect before we head to daycare. With a parent at home he could sleep a little later. During the summer we rarely make an 8:00 bedtime. By the time my husband gets home from work we only have time for supper, bath and bedtime routine if he will be in bed on time. During the summer we want to go for a walk after supper, or playing the yard for a little bit before supper, go out for icecream, whatever. If we do anything like that he doesn't make it into bed until around 9.

**SinkingFast** · 05-02-2007, 11:25 AM

Ours took a long nap in the afternoons. 2 hours or so. Until they were 5-6 years old. That was the time I got to rest and recoup from the morning and put together dinner. Dinner was pretty much, heat and eat, timed to when Hubby would get home.

Even if they weren't sleeping in the afternoons, they still had down time. They had to go to their rooms, lay down to rest, and be quiet. Mom needed a break from the kiddies!!

Bedtime was 8:30 pm. When they were wee tots, they were worn out by then anyway. We did dinner, bath time, and bedtime. Bath was the wind down signal. As they got older, even if they didn't go to sleep right away, they had to go to their rooms, and be quiet. They would read, or watch TV, work on a puzzle, something soothing and quiet. But they had to stay in their rooms. We didn't lock them in there or anything. It was just the rule.

One thing I did when ours were little was put all my tupperware DOWN. There was one cabinet in the kitchen that was not child proofed. That's where I kept all my plasticware. Then, if they crawled or toddled into the kitchen while I was cooking, they could pull out "their" pots and pans and cook too.

If all Hubby does is get some sort of dinner together, and maybe manages to rotate a couple of loads of clothes thru the washer, that's a big help. You can always dry the 2nd load after you get home. And fluff and fold then too.

**DivorceRuinedMe** · 05-03-2007, 05:39 AM

Thanks everyone. I like the idea of making a list of all the jobs to do so that it's there in black and white for us to see. I don't think he realizes all that needs to be done in a house with 4 kids around. Funny thing is that he used to say how his ex-wife did nothing all day when she was home with the kids. Now that it's him at home, my my my how his tune is changing. He told me yesterday that he can barely get everyone taken care of during the day much less get anything else accomplished (and he's only got a 2 and 5 year old home now

!) I worry somewhat about this whole arrangment but if worse comes to worse, he goes back to work and we look at alternatives. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

He did spend time on Sunday playing an online game while I was busy doing laundry, vacuuming and mopping which kinda pizzed me off. Then, he needed to mow the lawn but he ran out of time b/c I had to leave. So the lawn didn't get mowed and it won't get mowed until this weekend. Now THAT to me is not acceptable but wth can I do. If I gripe, it's like my old marriage all over again. I just wish we could be into a schedule and it was fair and everyone was happy. I want that SOOO bad!

**juststupid** · 05-03-2007, 06:17 AM

Originally posted by DivorceRuinedMe View Post

Thanks everyone. I like the idea of making a list of all the jobs to do so that it's there in black and white for us to see. I don't think he realizes all that needs to be done in a house with 4 kids around. Funny thing is that he used to say how his ex-wife did nothing all day when she was home with the kids. Now that it's him at home, my my my how his tune is changing. He told me yesterday that he can barely get everyone taken care of during the day much less get anything else accomplished (and he's only got a 2 and 5 year old home now

!) I worry somewhat about this whole arrangment but if worse comes to worse, he goes back to work and we look at alternatives. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

He did spend time on Sunday playing an online game while I was busy doing laundry, vacuuming and mopping which kinda pizzed me off. Then, he needed to mow the lawn but he ran out of time b/c I had to leave. So the lawn didn't get mowed and it won't get mowed until this weekend. Now THAT to me is not acceptable but wth can I do. If I gripe, it's like my old marriage all over again. I just wish we could be into a schedule and it was fair and everyone was happy. I want that SOOO bad!

My husband used to comment how it seemed I never did anything around the house because there were always toys on the floor and dishes in the sink. On one of his days off I left our 2 year old home with him and went to get a massage. I was gone for 2 hours when I came home the house was ten times worse than it is when he gets home from work. He didn't realize how ACTIVE our son was and that throughout the day I vaccuum twice, make breakfast, lunch and dinner (when you don't have a dishwasher it get to be a pain to do dishes after every meal) clean up toys at least 20 times a day, let alone if it's nice we walk to the park by the library. come home just in time for a nap. when I get to clean some more straighten up and do my homework (i am finishing my degree online).

Now that we have two kids, its alot harder to get everything done. But Jordon is a good big brother and entertains the baby while I do some stuff in the kitchen of course even if they are both unhappy they can't get in the kitchen. we installed a baby gate that is actually screwed into the door frame so that at least ONE room stays fairly decent during the day.

OK after all that, you might find that your husband can get more done than you think. But I really don't see the need for a chore list, unless its for the kids. because honestly if my husband left me a list of things to do during the day i would be pretty upset. but thats me, the only list hanging in my house is a grocery list on the fridge and a list of important numbers.

**DivorceRuinedMe** · 05-03-2007, 07:52 AM

Originally posted by juststupid View Post

But I really don't see the need for a chore list, unless its for the kids. because honestly if my husband left me a list of things to do during the day i would be pretty upset. but thats me, the only list hanging in my house is a grocery list on the fridge and a list of important numbers.

I didn't think of it that way and I probably would be upset too. I love this place - I am getting great advice and I'm getting to see my situation from other's POV which is just invaluable these days. Thanks ladies

**Minnymouth** · 05-03-2007, 08:44 AM

If my spouse made me a "work list" - I'd stick it up his A****.............

Sounds like you need to have a family "powwow" and discuss all the things that need to be done around the house and who and when it needs to be done..... things like laundry, mowing, cooking, etc..... and try to remember what each other is actually capable of doing....

Some things can be done on a daily basis, some every few days, some weekly....

Keeping the house straight (after play time of course) should be on everyone's agenda..... including the little ones!!! Even toddlers "love" to help mom and dad..... if given the chance.

Talk out your problems and feelings about the situation..... don't keep it bottled up till you explode.... and nagging, demanding, griping, and throwing blame can only lead to other things (possibly another divorce).....

Also remember to take an hour out each day for some "we time" - just you and him, cuddled up together, taking a walk, sitting on the back step, just
talking etc.....

My brother who had 5 kids (stairsteps) took a walk every evening with his wife down to the end of the street and back....(after she got out of the hospital).. Turned into a family tradition and to this day (20 years later) they still take that walk every evening......holding hands. Now the kids no longer share that walk!! Sometimes the grandkids do.

**SinkingFast** · 05-03-2007, 10:00 AM

Originally posted by Minnymouth View Post

Keeping the house straight (after play time of course) should be on everyone's agenda..... including the little ones!!! Even toddlers "love" to help mom and dad..... if given the chance.

I couldn't remember how in the world we kept the house semi straight when the kids were down for naps.

That's it!!

At the end of play time, or when the kids were done with a toy, they had to put it away before they could get something else out.

If you start working on it consistently, in a short while, the kids will be picking up their own toys regularly.

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