Fights at Home

[jane taylor]

Hello everyone! Just need to vent today before I "go off" on my husband. Things are even tighter at my house now due to home taxes, insurance (had to pay COBRA from last job), and illness. I have been in the ER twice in the last three weeks.

Today I asked my husband if we shouldn't get another modification on our PLAN and he starts lecturing me on how we always try to "manipulate" every system. He is also mad at me because I bought a couple of new inexpensive clothing items for work. One pair of my shoes was literally falling apart and could not be repaired. They were dangerous to wear. I will probably send the other two items back as I don't ABSOLUTELY have to have them.

He, on the other hand, refuses to take responsibility for spending ALL of his Christmas bonus on going crazy on Christmas. He says that it is "inappropriate" for him to spend it on "mistakes" in the budget. He also copped an attitude about spending HIS birthday money on a meal for the family.

I am ready to explode and am sick and tired of everything being my fault. I am way too stressed over a new job and my father just being diagnosed with cancer to put up with anyone's mess!

Thank y'all for listening. I may need a criminal defense lawyer before this is all over!


jane

[HRx]

Thanks for sharing....

[Minnymouth]

SOUNDS like your having "one of those days".................. also sounds like both of you "blew the budget" at little.......

TAKE A DEEP BREATH........... think calm thoughts..............remember the man you want to knock up the side of the head is THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!!!!

Tomorrow is a new day, sleep, get up and try again to stick to the budget......

And yes, if emergencies arise, contact the trustee and make arrangements to cover it so your still "on track" with your chaper 13........

I'm sure hubby is just as stressed as you are - just watching you and all that's going on in your life too.......

Patience, endurance, a kind thought or word will help relieve some of the stress............. remember nobodys perfect

AND BANKRUPTCY makes EVERYBODY crazy at times.........

Many people fight over money - and I'm sure bankruptcy has caused even more.....

Minny

[lrprn]

Jane, call your lawyer. Visits to the Emergency Room once by itself is enough for your lawyer to request if you can skip a month, and you went twice! Under these circumstances some understanding trustees have allowed filers to skip a month or even two of regular Ch 13 payments to catch up and pay off these unanticipated expenses without going through the expense of filing a modification. Hopefully your trustee may be one of those understanding ones.

When my husband and I get into fights like this (and we have had some doozies!), I remind him and myself that we got into this financial hole together and getting out of it takes working together too. There's no room for the "I'm better at sticking to the budget than you" and "I spend my money better than you" games. We finally agreed that to stop these kinds of fights, we had to agree ahead of time how to spend our money together. We sit down every Sunday and go through how much we spent the previous week to the penny, how much have to spend in the coming week, and what we will spend that money on. We stick to our plan as closely as we can. If unexpected things come up, then we agree on how we are going to address the changes together.

Frankly I hate that we had to do this....seems like two people that have been married for 27 years should be able to communicate better....but we decided we had to do something to stop the constant bickering and fights. Making the family financial decisions together once a week stopped 95% of our money fighting - now it's a regular part of our Sunday afternoon. This might work for you as well, but if it's not a good fit find something that does work. One thing is for sure....going on the way you two are now means nothing will change and the fights will continue. There's plenty enough stress in Ch 13 in the best of circumstances - anything that can reduce it is worth its weight in gold!

[robivi3]

Jane don't you dare send them back! I am a husband and I have made mistakes. Things are bloody tight at the moment for us bt my wife is out at Stien Mart (Metz I forget) now buying new job clothes. that is a NEED!!!!!!!

Wife and I passed the rough road back from '87 - 90 and marriage and all has been great since then when wifey saw that "mami" wanted a divorced, poor miserable daughter after 3 six months of us being seperated. It ain't all been roses since but no complaints here, she is very strong and has really grown ALOT and I had to learn through the lean times and hard times, MEET A WOMANS NEEDS!!!! It is BLOODY important. A man has a responsibilty to you and your father to see that you dress well and look presentable. I don't care who thinks what about sexism, etc...!!! A husband has to present his wife well, period. I am proud of my wife being known by those I work with as beautiful, and she actually is.

I am as ugly as can be to look at (she says different, but i sure wouldn't let my daughter date me if i had one) and I want her to look good always. She has to be pushed to the hair place monthly but i do it, I want her hair jet black always, just like she likes it and damned if I gotta cut my diet coke to do it so be it. She is always happy and very pleasing when she returns.

Honestly, we have been through so much that we don't fight, we have little spats and apologize but i have always made sure that she dressed ok.

I'll never forget that when she was staying home with the kids a friend of ours was cleaning toilets and such in Sunrise Lakes near us, a community of about 30,000 retirees for $10.00 an hour (it was '94 or '93). I remember asking her why don't you do it for a couple of hours a day? her response was "no problem, next time my Dad comes by just tell him I'm out cleaning toilets!" Now, that is cultural and please understand that my wife is College educated. You have to be married to a Colombian to understand that that would men that I married her and made her lower than a swill bucket. My father-in-law was made to promise his father-in-law that his daughter would never sell vegetables in the marketplace (Barranquilla) before he could marry her, they were not rich but not dirt poor and valued their name. To us that seems silly, but she never did sell in the market and my father-in-law who started sweeping a typewriter repair shop at 14 worked his way into management at IBM in Colombia, then New York and eventually opened his own Office Supply business in North Miami and Hialeah.

I bring that up because even though he is different from my wife and I, I regard the fact that he thought enough of that promise that he re-iterated it to my wife in her youth and that it showed that he valued his wife.

Jane, don't take it as preaching and please do not approach your husband angrily because of what I have said (or me because i meddled) but a man in a marriage has the responsibilty to see that his wife is properly attired for work, shopping and the house (of course she picks the attire). What attracted me to my wife was her conservative nature in public and the fact that in hours of conversation with her long before I chose to love her was the fact that I saw rarity, a woman with expectations of respect. I also know from when we were friends that she turned down a proposal because the person did not seem to have any ambition to better himself even though he was a good person. I respect a woman who takes economics into account. Dress yourself nicely and get the shoes you need, a woman needs at least two or three good pair for work.

[SinkingFast]

WOW, Robivi!!

You're gonna have all the women here beating a path to Florida to find you!!

But I agree with Robivi, Jane. Don't take the clothes back. It's not like you bought jewelry. Clothes are essential for your new job. They will pay for themselves.

IMHO,.......... Your Hubby is being childish.

"MY" birthday money that "I" don't want to share with the rest of the family.

Phew!!

That so would not fly here!!

Hubby's parents send money for birthdays and Christmas instead of shopping. They've done that for years. The kids get their money to spend however they please.

Our money, Hubby's and mine, always goes in the bank to pay bills. Has for years. Timing used to be such that we owed property taxes on vehicles in December every year. There went the Christmas money. Birthday monies came at the right time to pay auto insurance premiums.

Lrprn is absolutely right. This is not the time to be saying "Me" or "Mine". It's time to pull together. And your Hubby needs to get with the program!!

[robivi3]

my wife has willingly surrendered "Birthday" and "Gift" money to pay bills, school trips, etc... It rankles me that a man would put his "I deserve it" crap over his wife.
Jane, get some good clothes and shoes as you can. Right now we are doling it out week by week to update her wardrobe. I'm not gonna say she is spending 300 bucks today and next week, we can't with the oldest boy away, we are tight. We are doing 75 to a hundred right now and fortunately live right by Sawgrass Mills, a massive Factory Outlet Mall, it helps. We get shoes from Gothamcityonline.com and mine from Grapevinehill.com, she gets real good quality but the price is slashed heavily because they are discontinued. And yes, we have "discussion" and bargaining over amounts but the point is that you will feel better and do better if you dress right. If he won't see it your way you MUST take care oif your appearance. That just gets to me.

[AMISLANDER]

ANother fight about to happen?

I believe my bf is not going back to his landscaping job. He's been sick last 2 weeks...and I don't know what the problem is but has not contributed to household which is probably making him sicker yet....so I'm there with you. I feel like returning the flat iron I bought for myself because we need the $15 for a meal instead of me flat ironing my hair. I'm always returning things in order for us to make ends meets and it's frustrating. I work very well at my job and I'm ready for a doozy at home because of my man that I love is making me nuts.

I need some counseling on this one too!

[jane taylor]

Update: Well, last night was a humdinger! Husband says I have a "gift" for pushing him over the edge and that I am never happy. I have begged and begged him to go to counseling with me, but he flat refuses. I did confront him on the "my money" issue and he said that he was just expressing himself like I always want him to and now I don't know how to take it! He then said that he was mad because I spent his money on shoes and clothes behind his back.

He ended up screaming and cursing me and unfortunately the kids were there. I cried myself to sleep and am not functioning too well today. I am in a PR and Marketing job which makes things harder. I have to be happy, happy, happy all the time! My husband says that I have never made the choice to be happy. Not true. I have many things to overcome in my life--severe abuse, illness, etc. and I think I do pretty well.

Oh well, today is another day.

Thanks for listening!

Peace,
jane

[AMISLANDER]

Update: Well, last night was a humdinger! Husband says I have a "gift" for pushing him over the edge and that I am never happy. I have begged and begged him to go to counseling with me, but he flat refuses. I did confront him on the "my money" issue and he said that he was just expressing himself like I always want him to and now I don't know how to take it! He then said that he was mad because I spent his money on shoes and clothes behind his back.

He ended up screaming and cursing me and unfortunately the kids were there. I cried myself to sleep and am not functioning too well today. I am in a PR and Marketing job which makes things harder. I have to be happy, happy, happy all the time! My husband says that I have never made the choice to be happy. Not true. I have many things to overcome in my life--severe abuse, illness, etc. and I think I do pretty well.

Oh well, today is another day.

Thanks for listening!

Peace,
jane

Would you be a Wednesday's child???? I know I am...not sure if that has to do with anything....but it's hard to be chipper when people around you are driving you nuts.

I work in property mgt. so I need to have my happy face on as well. But, I do find that I get happy while I'm at my job because I really do enjoy it!

My own problems can be worked on and whatever will be will be....I know that sounds a bit contrite, but, I know deep down I'm an okay person, I've overcome a lot of my stupidity in the past few years, got a job, paid off the darn SUV (on my own), go to work everyday, got a raise this year, already and although I'm pretty broke, I am trying to rebuild.......but sometimes it seems like it just sucks. Tonight, I am going home, crawling into bed & watching movies...when the cable co. turns off the cable (it's in my bf's name & I paid $150 back the end of Jan so it woulnd't get cut off....) then my bf will get the picture. I'm done carrying him....it's no fun to sit home & have no tv....if you're a couch person.

[robivi3]

Jane and Amis, you have our ears and sympathy, sometimes we forget that you just need an ear aimed your way.

[jane taylor]

Thanks again for listening. I am a lot calmer now, but am exhausted.

Yes, AMIS, I am a "Wednesday's Child." I do tend to be a little melancholic if I'm not careful and dramatic. (that's why I'm good at what I do!)

When any resources decrease and demands increase, stress is inevitable. And when two hard-headed folks tie up, it ain't pretty.

In the words of Scarlett O' Hara . . . "Tomorrow is another day!"

[SinkingFast]

Jane and Amis, you have our ears and sympathy, sometimes we forget that you just need an ear aimed your way.

Ditto!!

I didn't mean to get in the middle either.

We're hear to listen any time you need us, Jane and Amis.

[JollyGG]

I sometimes have to remember that the things that drive me insane about my husband are also some of the things that made me fall in love with him. For example - His laid back attitude is a great counterbalance to my driven personallity. However, his lack of ambition can drive me bonkers.

What I'm trying to say is, I understand. Husbands are exasperating. But we love them anyway.

[AMISLANDER]

I sometimes have to remember that the things that drive me insane about my husband are also some of the things that made me fall in love with him. For example - His laid back attitude is a great counterbalance to my driven personallity. However, his lack of ambition can drive me bonkers.

What I'm trying to say is, I understand. Husbands are exasperating. But we love them anyway.

THis is so true!

And at my house, we're both sick with bronchitis type flue bug so I'm really going easy on everything right now...today, it was 43 coming in to work (I know I'm lucky in FL but it's not helping health), my boss now has the same thing and he's been sick all weekend....ugh!