This whole marriage thing...

[CAB_44]

After 26 years of marriage...most great, some not so great....
The two of you saw something in each other that made you want to be together for a lifetime. Start looking for that again and build on it. It's too soon to know if this is a pattern, so give compromise a chance first. Go to your new husband, tell him you love him and want him off the couch back in the bedroom, then give him a big hug and kiss. Go halfway first to give him a chance to meet you halfway, then see what happens.

Well said lrprn~
this is true~ my musband and I have been married 27 yrs~ and it is always a rollercoaster ride~
I understand what BassBoy is saying about men though~
I had NO Idea that we "thought" so different...and "respond" different...that it would be at such extremes, but it is!
I suggest you read the book "Men Are From MArs...Women Are From Venus"...it truly opened my eyes TinRoof.....I was married YOUNG at 18, and there have been times when we BOTH wanted to give up....unfortunatly that continues to have it's up and down motion....I think it's just normal....it's just that some people leave when it is bad....and some make the choice to stick it out...always.......
I look at it this way~ if you just "quit" every thing in life that you start, without giving it a chance....then at the end of your life or one day when you are old....you look back and you have NOTHING......
There are instances where I think you are justified to "leave"...if he cheats/or beats.........well...."the SOB would have to sleep sometime"...that's a whole other thread too....won't go there LOL but like lrprn said...there had to be something there for you to get to the alter in the first place....try, try and try again~ But hey.....it's NOT worth being miserable....but give it some time....when we are young, we are stubborn, and we're set sometimes in our ways...it takes "give and take" BOTH ways~ he definately needs to hear your side...and he needs to try to give you HIS side........go from there....!!
Sorry to hear that it's already tuff for you TinRoof~ but hang in there sweetie~ surely something good is there for you to have gone to all of the trouble to GET married....something has to be there worth keeping.....
Best wishes~
CAB

[Minnymouth]

Good advice lrprn,

Yep, its time to stop the "madness", make peace, make up, and talk!!!

Sex is "not" a weapon, tho many try to make it one. If they can't get it at home, they'll go somewhere else for it.........

Both parties being "stubborn", never solved anything.....

Someone who has been married 26 years and still going strong knows how to "make it work"............. and somethings you just have to "let it go" and go on.....

Later on it doesn't make any difference who was right and who was wrong............ after it's all over.

[robivi3]

22 years of imperfection, bad tempers, monetary shortages, arguments and lots of fun times.

[tinroofrusted]

Good advice lrprn,



Sex is "not" a weapon, tho many try to make it one. If they can't get it at home, they'll go somewhere else for it.........

I want to be one of those wives that their husband brags about not having to step out on. There is nothing worse than people using physical intimacy against thier partner, or to use for their partner. It makes for some awful situations down the road.

Thanks for the support you guys! I am really feeling down and out, and needed this kick in the butt today!

[anonymuse]

Tin, just remember that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect couple--you're still learning a lot about each other. If I remember correctly, you didn't live together before you got married? (Correct me if I'm wrong.) The key to anything now is COMMUNICATION. The two of you need to find a way to talk about this and discuss your expectations of each other. Good luck!

[debtisbad]

Tin,

Just remember to keep your mil out of it. My mil is in the thick of it. She is about to ruin my marriage and she is loving it! Some of it I understand and some of it I don't. Her husband passed away a few years ago. My husband is her only child. She told me she has no one else. BUT, she has not tried to make one friend in the 8 years her husband has past. She also spends wildly and my husband told me yesterday she is thinking about filing BK. I almost spit! She has a brand spanking new suv that was around 36k and she is 80 years old. Don't get me wrong--nothing bad about that. But I do not think she should have bought the car if she could not afford it. Her Ford was just fine. She is very much into what people think. Always tells my son's "what will the neighbors think"

I am just venting, hope your mil does not turn out like mine! If you read any of my previous posts, I am going to FL in for thanksgiving to visit my mom, and my 11 year old son is pissed that we are staying at motel 6 instead of the Hyatt like his other grandmother would do!!!!!

[Minnymouth]

Morning Tin,

Hope you "love birds" have talked out your differences........ and all things are settled for right now......

There's so many adjustments when you first get married...... like "who takes a shower first"........... who gets the bathroom first?........ sometimes a spouse that just "won't get up"...... etc.... All "little irritating" things that bother us and we don't say anything..... and the list just keeps building.

Hope your having a better day today..........

[tinroofrusted]

Morning Tin,

Hope you "love birds" have talked out your differences........ and all things are settled for right now......

There's so many adjustments when you first get married...... like "who takes a shower first"........... who gets the bathroom first?........ sometimes a spouse that just "won't get up"...... etc.... All "little irritating" things that bother us and we don't say anything..... and the list just keeps building.

Hope your having a better day today..........

That's a negative.

However, this is for the long haul, and something will give or break eventually. Right now I am just praying about it, and keeping positive thoughts in my little head.

Can anyone tell me what it is about men, and settling for mediocrity, and having no drive? I don't get that either.....



*sigh*

[tradewiz50]

Edited by Moderator

[edwards2]

tin...your post really hit home for me...at least the first time I was married. In my case, however, I knew it was a mistake BEFORE I did it. I was so miserable and stayed in it for 2 years trying to make a lost cause work. Looking back on it I think I married him because we had gone together a few years and in my young mind I thought those years would have been wasted had we not getting married...stupid...of course but you learn from your mistakes. My second husband is the polar opposite of my first...thank goodness. tin...only you know whether your marriage is a keeper. It may be too early to tell but on the other hand we hope our honeymoon lasts a few months. If two people live together before marriage I can see where the "newness" may have already worn off. I lived with my first husband before marriage...rather he moved in with me...same thing I know...he was cheap even back then but I did not with my second husband. Maybe a coincidence at least it worked for me. I know you are upset and concerned but whatever you do keep the lines of communication open. Men are not comfortable with spilling their guts so try and understand if all of your Dr. Phil questions dont get answered. My husband is not a talker - thank goodness because I never stop - and it was really hard for me to adjust to fighting virtually solo. We have been married 20 years this year and of course we have had a number of crises...but we have survived and you will too no matter what you decide. My best friend told me one time I needed to quit expecting things to be perfect...I have tried to follow her advice. Sorry you are feeling down so soon...I will keep you in my prayers.

[tinroofrusted]

I intend on taking my vows quite seriously.

To everyone else, thanks for the prayers and support. I am believing in a miracle and hoping for a change. I am also beginning to think that part of it may be ME. I am so miserable at my job, I am sure I am taking it home, and am a complete ***** to live with at times, and I can't blame him for not wanting to be around me. So the job search is officially on... I can't be this miserable, and if that's what's causing this, it's not worth my marriage, or my misery.

Keep the thoughts coming.

We DID have a nice date night this weekend, so that kept me going and boosted me up a little bit!

[jane taylor]

Hey, Tin!

So sorry that things are still not going well, but glad you guys were able to go out on a date.

My husband isn't a talker either and sometimes he doesn't seem to have any drive to do anything around the house, etc. (He is very motivated and organized at work, but at the house says he has to "feel" like doing something! Huh! I'm a mom, wish I could just wait to "feel" like doing something!) When he does do something; however, he does an outstanding job. We are as different as daylight and dark on the surface, but when it comes down to what REALLY matters like spirituality, morality, etc., we are so similar. (Oh yeah, and football )

Hang in there, but boy do I know it is tough. There are days when I want to get my grandmother's black cast iron skillet after him --just kidding of course!!!!

[anonymuse]

If you're not aware of Tin's current history (having BK and very recently wed--with very frustrating wedding arrangements), please be sensitive with your comments (as you should anywhere on the boards.) People come here for information, but also support. That's what makes these boards different from most.

Keep your head up, Tin!

There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, so don't try to achieve the impossible. Take it one step at a time and start with communicating. Glad to hear you went out on a date! His or your idea?

[jane taylor]

Tin, I can so relate to being miserable at work. I can't imagine being newly wed AND miserable at my job. At work we all have to "behave" and then when we get home we tend to take out our frustrations on the ones we love the most. It is hard after living with someone almost 20 years, much less little over a month. Throw in BK and you really have a wild ride.

Keep going on those dates, keep talking, and definitely keep a sense of humor.

Good luck job hunting and am praying for a peaceful evening for y'all.

jane

[miss puff]

Keep going on those dates, keep talking, and definitely keep a sense of humor.

Also Tin, make sure you both are sleeping in the same bed, preferably naked! I agree to not use sex as a weapon, however, men are physical creatures and maybe he can't be all wordy with how he is feeling, he might be able to physically show you that he still wants you, just is having a hard time with something. It's hard to get over feelings of rejection so really encourage him back in your bed if he's not already.

You have some great advice here. I will think of you often and hope you find a new job that makes you happier. It's amazing how a bad job can bring you down. Good luck hun.