file BK without spousal approval.

[kathyc02124]

first meeting: stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful .

[kathyc02124]

yes. suffice to say I am deeply involved with people no one "wants" to be involved with. And they change the rules whenever they feel like it. And the changes are NEVER in my favor.

stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful stressful

but, notice I am HOME on a tuesday night. not at the casino.

[AngelinaCat]

but, notice I am HOME on a tuesday night. not at the casino.

Congratulations!!!! {{{{{HUGGGSSSS}}}}} You have taken the First Step. It is a matter of taking 'one DAY at a time', and sometimes that devolves into dealing with it 'one MINUTE at a time.

[kathyc02124]

I'm not sure I can do this. I spent the whole meeting crying. I made a fool of myself. way too embarrassing. My sponsor just told me to let it out and let it happen. That just made me cry more. I had told her about my credit card debt, but when she asked if there were any other people I owed money to, that was the last thing I remember. The rest I can remember was just uncontrollable crying. She knows I owe more than what I am telling her. It is way too degrading to tell her who else I owe and how much. How will I ever be able to own up to that????? stress! I'm so thankful I can come on here and be anonymous. This board is so comforting to me. Even when I am not posting on here, I read and re-read all the postings over and over. and then I read them again.

[AngelinaCat]

You CAN do this--one baby step at a time. One MINUTE at a time. Remember? We are all rooting for you here.

[pamkev]

Kathy,
You can do this even like Cat said ONE MINUTE at a time

I am sure you did not make a fool of yourself you were among people who have been there and done that. Maybe even worse. Just hang on

[Drazil65]

My guess is that you will find out that what you have to tell them about who you owe money to or how much will not be a surprise or shock to many of them. It is common among GA members that some of them venture outside the normal realms of borrowing money and get involved with seedy, unhealthy situations. Had an ex brother-in-law that was in deep and had been for years, nearly killed him with the stress and living a double life. He got outside help (outside the family because like you mentioned everyone in the family was done helping and it was the best thing for him as it was nothing but enabling when they were "helping") from GA and another organization. Took a couple of years but after the first 6 months, things were so much better for him and it was up from there. No easy, quick fix just a lot of effort and work on his part. But the people he was involved with were of that seedy part of life that I mentioned earlier and was not a good situation. He is good now some 6 years later, more than good actually and is a sponsor at GA. You are not alone in this fight so keep at it, the effort is so worth it.

[Pjmax]

I would guess that many people only turn to GA after they've lost everything. They are certainly not there to judge, but to hopefully help you before you get to that place. They may be strangers now, but every one of them has this big thing in common with you. Things always seem more real when you first start hearing yourself say them out loud. You are facing your demons head on. When you start to feel that this is too hard and you want to stop, think of how much DH means to you. You are doing a courageous thing, but you will probably have many more head battles with yourself. I hope your sponsor gave you a phone number, if not, there's always the hotline. Stick those phone numbers on your car dashboard. When you feel that urge to head your car to Foxwoods, look at those numbers, and use them.

You can do this. Your future, your marriage and possibly your life depend on it. Train your mind to remember that when you feel you want to quit.

Big HUGS from me too.

[AngelinaCat]

Kathy, we haven't hear from you today. How are you doing?

[kathyc02124]

I've never been so alone in my life. I have my sponsor that I can call, 2 sponsors that both told me to call 24 hours, even in the middle of the night. My husband is so cold. I have hurt him. My work I have let down for I am supposed to be on the road and I make up reasons why I miss appointments. My whole life is lies. Don't take this wrong, I am not at witts end or anything. I am just really let down with what I have done with my life. I know this sounds self fulfilling, I'm not looking for sympathy, don't take it that way. I made my bed. No one led me here. But I am alone. And I am scared. And I deserve everything I feel right now. I'm thousands of dollars involved with people and there is no way out. I had a dream that bankruptcy was an easy way out but it can't come true. My husband is going to leave. How would he not? I had a career in nursing. He is a pilot for american airlines. We had a future. I tossed it all away. And that is ok, we all make mistakes. But this one, I cannot correct. When I tried, I borrowed money from people because my husband gave up and would not give me money anymore. I was forced to do things people would not want to meet. The tangled web we weave?

[ValleYum]

Oh, Kathy.... sometimes it seems that we hit rock bottom before we can rise above our challenges. Challenges we brought upon ourselves are even worse and rock bottom is filled with more jagged rocks, too.

You CAN absolutely do this. Will it be easy? No. Will everything work out perfectly? Probably not. Will your life be better if you stop gambling and get yourself back on track? ABSOLUTELY.

When I get a panic/anxiety "attack", I start making lists and setting goals. Have you ever tried this? It sounds simplistic, but there is something calming and positive about it for me. So, let's see..... What is your first goal? Going to another GA meeting? Start that list, girlfriend, and let's see if it will work for you. Stress can make you sick if it doesn't kill you first!

How 'serious' is your scary creditor? Like broken leg serious? Could you (or do you) work a second job to try to pay him off?

Hang in there Kathy - this is the most important (and best) thing you can do for yourself and you have a lot of cheerleaders here. A lot. Take care.

Valle~

[Pjmax]

With all this stress, it would probably be a good thing to be extra concerned about your physical health. Go to a gym, take some long walks, eat and drink healthy. Your stress levels will catch up to your body before you know it, so maybe go a little overboard for awhile with extra vitamins, health foods, herbal teas instead of alcohol, etc. Your body is going to need some extra attention to give you the mental strength to get through this.

We can't predict how things will turn out down the road, but concentrate on your recovery, your health and being the person you deserve to be, and your life will only get better. ValleYum's list idea is a good one. Maybe start out every morning with a written list or a plan of anything and everything you want to do for the day. It's good to have long-term goals, but right now, for you, it's one day at a time, and every day without gambling is an accomplishment.

And, use those phone numbers if you need to. You are not alone. I know it feels that way, but don't hesitate to reach out to your sponsors, I'm sure they had numbers to call when they were starting on this path, they understand.

You're in my thoughts, take care.

[pamkev]

I agree with the posters above. When feeling stress breath slowly, take a walk. Remind yourself you are not the first or the last to go through this.

Please come back and vent all you want, when I was going through issues with my son I found a message board like this (only it was one dealing with trouble kids) it was my saving grace to be among people who understood.

Listen to the birds chirp today, feel the sunshine on your face and know you will get thought this

[kathyc02124]

I agree with the posters above. When feeling stress breath slowly, take a walk. Remind yourself you are not the first or the last to go through this.

Please come back and vent all you want, when I was going through issues with my son I found a message board like this (only it was one dealing with trouble kids) it was my saving grace to be among people who understood.

Listen to the birds chirp today, feel the sunshine on your face and know you will get thought this

Had lunch with my sponsor. That was a huge help to me. I can see that my sponsor and myself are going to become very close. Got off from work and wanted to be alone.

Went to a bar that I don't normally stop at after work, but wanted to have some time by myself. Since I feel all alone, I want to be alone. Had 2 drinks and sat in a corner booth. Thought about my situation. Held my hand up and snapped my fingers to get the waitress's attention and ordered a 3rd drink. She asked me if I wanted a 4th, since she is getting busy. I realize then that maybe I am liking drinking a little too much.

My usual day the past few months has been to stop off for drinks with friends after work on the days my husband is away. And the drinks give me power to gamble and win big. And if I follow through and head for foxwoods, they give me free drinks as long as I sit at the machines. All the drinks I want. As long as I play the machines.

And I can get more money at the ATM machine that has a limit and also a $4 charge. So I have to use it several times, at $4 each time, rather than one big one. And then they feed me so many drinks, on top of the several drinks I have already had before I even got there. And when I finally run out of money from the ATM and I get shut off, yet I am feeling very good, there is a very friendly man that will buy me another drink and will encourage me to not stop because the odds are in my favor, I "have" to hit soon.

And he loans me as much money as I ask for. Don't worry....it's going to hit, awwww, you just missed it by one number. Try it again, you are so close. Don't be foolish, you will get back 5 times what I am charging. Just ask my friends here, they will tell you I am ok. Oh wait, you lost again? Don't worry, I can back you.

Oh it's 4 am and you need to get home? But you are not feeling good? I'll drive you home. Give me your keys and your address. Don't be silly, I'll get you home.

[kathyc02124]

I want to be normal.