The emotional toll

[Inthestorm]

We got notice of discharge last week. Fortunately, we didn't lose our vehicles, but I am feeling the loss of "stuff" that I left behind to be auctioned because we have no room for it in this tiny rental. I still have my beloved horses (someone on here once put me down for having them!) at the house, which has not yet been foreclosed, although we have been in this place for a couple of months now. If we aren't able to afford the board to keep my equine "babies," I will be devastated. The house is full of memories of raising my (human) children. Since the youngest is going to college next week, it is too painful for me to even unlock the door and go inside. Looking at our empty home makes me literally sick to my stomach. To make matters so much worse, DH still has no work in this state...so after next week I will be totally ALONE...after having a family and a big country home on acreage. It's so much loss all at once. Sometimes I get these grief attacks that nearly take my breath away. People do assume this is all our fault...but how many people do you know that could survive three years of unemployment?

[bhornatl]

This is a great forum, reading all the stories and advice is calming my nerves. I had all the confidence in the world after meeting with my attorney. Then the phone started ringing and it all became real. The reality of the situation I created and am in is what is crashing in on me. It is suffocating but I'm catching my breath. I guess the hardest part is the initial jump into the process.

[Pjmax]

Hi Inthestorm, there are people who understand, and many of us are here on BKF. You are not alone. It is a grieving process. I lost pretty much everything I own a few years ago. All in storage, couldn't keep up, too embarrassed to ask for help. I went through the same feelings. I won't say it happens overnight.
Some may laugh at me for this, heck, I laugh at me for this; but whenever those horrible feelings started, I would just repeat that good 'ole Suze Orman quote, 'People first, then money, then things.' I'd start thinking about what was most important in my life, how lucky I really was (am). Then I'd realize I was walking around talking to myself, and start laughing. Actually, anything that can get you to laugh is great therapy.
It does get better.

[stray]

As everyone has already said, you are so not alone here. And I thank you for posting. This thread has lots of great thoughts and advice that made me feel better. I don't have horses, but we do have rescued cats and a feral cat family outside that we care for (all spayed/neutered). I almost lost my house last year and all I could think of were those innocent cats. We have our BK7 hearing next week. We have no assets and our income won't magically go up after next week, so life will still be a struggle. But my phone is quiet for the first time in 3 yrs, and I'm not so scared when there's a knock at the door and I feel lucky that when I'm stressed I can pet a cat.

Pjmax's right, laughter is great great medicine. I joined a free book swap club and make sure each book I get makes me laugh or at least snicker a little. I have a nurse friend that says the serenity of the barn and her horse is what keeps her sane. Much luck and peace to you.

[Drazil65]

Hi just want to update you on what life is like a few months after discharge just in case you need something to look forward to. Discharged and closed 3/21/2012.

Since then husband has graduated (yeah!!!) and started a full time position 2 weeks later (double yeah!!!). So, the first life changing decision we made 3 yrs ago for him to change careers totally, go back and get a secend degree in a very intense and agressive field has paid off immensely. He loves his new career (he was in the same industry after college for 20 yrs so the decision to change was extremely difficult) and is making better money to start then he was in his old industry at the end after 2 lay offs and bad economy.

Now, second life changing decision to file chapter 7 last December. Husband full time student for 2.5 years to change careers (new career in medical field so many labs and clinicals and full time class schedule) and did not work during that time. Husband had 95% of the debt in his name as well as the 2 cars, our primary house here and then our rental home back home (out of state). After 4 years our tenant was transferred and we could not rent the house out back home, no way to maintain mortages (1st and 2nd) so stopped paying and tried to sell short sale etc. Collectors calling, etc. etc. etc., then domino effect and with me the only one working and husband still a year out on graduation last summer we made the decision to file. We planned for 6 months and filed in December.

Fast forward to today, I paid the bills this morning after husbands pay went in and here it is the 10th of the month and we have completed paying ALL our bills (I still have a couple of bills in my name and the regular living stuff) for the month. We also have an emergency fund with just about $2000 in it and have paid off one of the cars since discharge (we did not reaffirm either car). We have 3 more payments to come in this month between the both of us and we will start getting much needed work on the older vehicle done and pay CASH. No more knots in stomach, no more creative accounting and husband and I are in such good moods lately. We even took a 3 day beach vacation last weekend (we can drive to coast in a couple of hours) and paid cash for everything including hotel. It will come and it be so good when it does. Good Luck!!!

[pamkev]

Thank you Drazil for such a uplifting post and post BK success

[Tater]

I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Just know people are here and willing to listen. My husband and I filed in late May, had our 341 meeting about two to three weeks ago, and we are awaiting our discharge. During this process, we've been called all kinds of names by our family, some still not talking to us. That has gotten somewhat better. I think for us the big worry came when we decided to file earlier this year. The fear of the unknown settled in and I was obsessed for months. I found this forum and asked a lot of questions. Once we filed, a sense of relief came over us.

I got laid off last year and we stopped using credit cards. We know live a cash lifestyle. We are very fortunate that we can keep our house and one of our cars. Nothing was reaffirmed, so we can walk away if need be. It would be hard though since it is our home. I know starting over isn't easy but having the basic necessities is the most important. We have our health and each other. Things are slowly improving for us and we are so grateful to this forum. It has been our support group through some of the darkest days. I had to learn to laugh again and it does help the healing process. Just know that you aren't alone. We are here!

[bhornatl]

Thank you for all the support and suggestions. It does feel better knowing I'm not alone!

[kawh]

We got notice of discharge last week. Fortunately, we didn't lose our vehicles, but I am feeling the loss of "stuff" that I left behind to be auctioned because we have no room for it in this tiny rental. I still have my beloved horses (someone on here once put me down for having them!) at the house, which has not yet been foreclosed, although we have been in this place for a couple of months now. If we aren't able to afford the board to keep my equine "babies," I will be devastated. The house is full of memories of raising my (human) children. Since the youngest is going to college next week, it is too painful for me to even unlock the door and go inside. Looking at our empty home makes me literally sick to my stomach. To make matters so much worse, DH still has no work in this state...so after next week I will be totally ALONE...after having a family and a big country home on acreage. It's so much loss all at once. Sometimes I get these grief attacks that nearly take my breath away. People do assume this is all our fault...but how many people do you know that could survive three years of unemployment?

Inthestorm, congratulations on your discharge! Not everyone can be a 'glass half full' type of person', some of us naturally tend toward the dark outlook on things whether from nature or harsh experiences. I constantly fight this in myself.

But I hope you have celebrated your discharge from 'x' amount of debt (can you say how much you no longer owe?) in some way! If not, please celebrate before you are totally alone. And please give your horses plenty of hugs and upbeat talk because animals can absorb our feelings, at least that's mho. Please tell us you have taken time to celebrate a little, what has improved in your life.

As for your youngest, I remember leaving home to go to college, it was a scary time for me, as well as exciting. My mother was very much a huge part of my life then, and I don't know what I would have done without her support and just knowing she was there for me. (I still miss her, over 40 years later.) You are very much needed, so take good care of yourself and your head.

[basketsbears]

Hi just want to update you on what life is like a few months after discharge just in case you need something to look forward to. Discharged and closed 3/21/2012.

Since then husband has graduated (yeah!!!) and started a full time position 2 weeks later (double yeah!!!). So, the first life changing decision we made 3 yrs ago for him to change careers totally, go back and get a secend degree in a very intense and agressive field has paid off immensely. He loves his new career (he was in the same industry after college for 20 yrs so the decision to change was extremely difficult) and is making better money to start then he was in his old industry at the end after 2 lay offs and bad economy.

Now, second life changing decision to file chapter 7 last December. Husband full time student for 2.5 years to change careers (new career in medical field so many labs and clinicals and full time class schedule) and did not work during that time. Husband had 95% of the debt in his name as well as the 2 cars, our primary house here and then our rental home back home (out of state). After 4 years our tenant was transferred and we could not rent the house out back home, no way to maintain mortages (1st and 2nd) so stopped paying and tried to sell short sale etc. Collectors calling, etc. etc. etc., then domino effect and with me the only one working and husband still a year out on graduation last summer we made the decision to file. We planned for 6 months and filed in December.

Fast forward to today, I paid the bills this morning after husbands pay went in and here it is the 10th of the month and we have completed paying ALL our bills (I still have a couple of bills in my name and the regular living stuff) for the month. We also have an emergency fund with just about $2000 in it and have paid off one of the cars since discharge (we did not reaffirm either car). We have 3 more payments to come in this month between the both of us and we will start getting much needed work on the older vehicle done and pay CASH. No more knots in stomach, no more creative accounting and husband and I are in such good moods lately. We even took a 3 day beach vacation last weekend (we can drive to coast in a couple of hours) and paid cash for everything including hotel. It will come and it be so good when it does. Good Luck!!!

Thanks for sharing the positives from filing.

It is funny how our situations are similar. My husband is semi-retired, partial VA disability. I went and am going back to school. We had a rental, etc. Your husband and I both have student loans, and you helped relieve my mind that I would still be able to get them this year to finally finish! Without the loan and refund to help with books and living expenses I don't know how we would make it this last year. They will be helping us even more this last year as my income will keep going down until I graduate due to the clinical rotations and class room time. Thanks for relieving my fears.

My husband and I are planning on living cash only - no credit cards. The only thing we have talked about would be if we ever get a different house, or possibly a car payment - but never want two payments again so the Jeep we are keeping would have to be paid for before we get in more debt with that. Also any car payment would have to be no more than 3-4 years, unlike the 6 years we have been financing. Hopefully we will just pay cash tho for our cars.

Thanks again for your support!