Toll on health - stress, nightmares, etc.

[mckinnea]

We're filing 13 mid September. We've always had a nice life. Never really a want or worry - probably because we were living beyond our means and in complete denial. It's a new day and my eyes are wide open. It's been weeks since i've slept. Can hardly focus at work. Sense of self worth is completely gone. My relationship with my husband of 20 years is strained since this all went down in early May. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder - thinking a collector is coming for me. My car was repossesed and I'm now dependent on others for transportation.
I can not imagine ever recovering from this. I really cannot.
I am grateful for this forum. I probably spend too much time here obsessing and worrying though. Not sure how to gain proper perspective...

[keepmine]

You put in the proper perspective by realizing that this is just a business decision. Nothing more and nothing less.
Do you think your lenders are having trouble sleeping or unable to focus at work?
Just start the filing proceess and in a few weeks, no more collection activity and you start to rebuild your life.
Millons of people have filed bk over the years for many different reasons and gotten through the process. So will you!

[AngelinaCatHub]

As 'keepmine' said, you are one of many, many, more who with this economy will be filling. It is business as he said. Now take your perspective and look in another direction. To date, you still have a job. Do it well to keep it. You still have your health unless you willingly allow it to go bad by your worries. You still have a marriage so maintain this as you admit to straining it. Your hub is your best friend. Concentrate on talking kindly to him. Don't amplify his frustration as he is going through this too. Attempt a complete break and go for a C7 if you are able to qualify. It is easier and faster for full relief.

Know that your feelings are normal as we have ALL been there. Know also that things do get better and you have us as a support group. You are a welcomed family member here. We don't need to know your name. We just know you as a member of many who are in the same boat, or have escaped and stay on to help those go through what we had to go through. I emphasize, "it will get better". 'Hub

[frogger]

Your story is no different than many of us here. Nice life, no worries, just mounting debt. All it takes is for one little thing to happen and the debt cascades and drowns you.

You can recover, and you will recover. It's just a matter of cleaning up the financial mess that you are in now and starting over with a fresh slate.

I know for sure that I didn't want to be starting over during mid-life, however I am ever so greatful for the opportunity to do so.

It does get better.......

[IamOld]

mckinnea hello - I want to echo everything everyone said above. Like Frogger, I never imagined that I'd be here - mid-life - NEVER. I will tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel (well not exactly, because I'm not you), but darn near close. I too spend days and days reading this forum, day and night, anything and everything about BK, and yes, the phone calls, the lawsuit threats (and actual almost), etc. I felt like I couldn't eat, even function.

I almost destroyed my marriage. PLEASE don't do that...that's too precious to waste on the banksters and the bloodsucking scum running our economy. Don't let them win - and I know that's easier to say than done. Look, my spouse's motorbike was repossessed a few weeks before her (long story here) Bk. Oh well. It is what it is. YET, it was a big psychological thing.

I don't know how your husband is taking it - and forgive me if I sound a bit old-fashioned here - but sometimes for men it's harder, as many see it even more a personal failure and feel like they let the wife (and if applicable) kids down. So he may be more down than you - again, I don't know, but...

So please don't let this - as everyone else said - BUSINESS decision come between the two of you - this is a hard hard time - but the two of you are FAR more important than any bankster, pointless Wall Street pencil-pusher, etc.

And as Frogger points out many times so correctly - remember, bankruptcy is a process not an event.

Take good care of yourself, husband, and family!!!!

[mckinnea]

Thank you for all the advice. I am particularly focusing on letting this go as a process and not an event... Very useful to think of it this way. Again - thank you!

[fileda13]

Just had my 341 meeting for my 13. I don't believe any of us planned on being here. I also don't necessarily call it denial, but more of false hope that somehow you can continue on and find your way through it. Some people do, some don't.

I've had focus problems too, but I'm realizing it's part of the process. My mind is full right now with many paths to follow (work, family, finances) and many decisions to make. Yet, the simple fact is I open my eyes each morning and face the day. Maybe I catch an uppercut and get knocked down, but I pick myself up, brush myself off, put up my guard and move forward.

[mckinnea]

Thank you filda13. Your words are really inspiring to me.

[IamIrene]

I was you last fall. A lot of us have been you at one point or another. Facing this stuff is hard, for everyone, but you are not alone in this. So many people are going through this exact thing right now. These laws were put in place to help people like you and me. These laws are protection and are here to give you a fresh start.

Give this a read (from BANKRUPTCY - Moral Issues):

Most people who file bankruptcy are honest people who feel badly about not paying their debts. Many believe that bankruptcy is immoral or that they are doing something wrong. I understand how most of my clients feel about bankruptcy, but I believe they are being too hard on themselves.

Here are a few reasons why I believe bankruptcy should not be a moral issue:

-People promise to pay their bills. People also promise to take care of themselves, their spouse, and their children. Sometimes things happen in life which make it impossible to keep both promises at the same time. If your family is more important to you than your creditors, then bankruptcy may be the right thing to do. You can always repay your discharged debts when you are able to do so.

-Deuteronomy 15:1-11 enacted what is essentially the first bankruptcy law: At the end of every seven years, you must cancel debts. This is how it is to be done: Every creditor shall cancel the loan he has made to his fellow Israelite. He shall not require payment from his fellow Israelite or brother, because the Lord's time for canceling debts has been proclaimed" (NIV). In 1800, Congress used this law as the basis for the first bankruptcy statutes when it said that a person can file bankruptcy every seven years.

-Walt Disney declared bankruptcy before he created Disney World in Orlando, Florida. If not for the bankruptcy laws, this entertainment giant would not have been able to achieve his dreams.

-Congress enacted the bankruptcy laws to help you. The law recognizes that when you are swamped with debt, you are unable to provide for your family or to be productive in our economy. It is in your best interest, and in the best interest of the people who depend on you, to clean the slate and give yourself a fresh start in life.

-You have probably already paid back your credit card debt through your payments which the credit card companies chose to label as "interest" and "penalties." The credit card companies are equally responsible for your bankruptcy. When you first encountered financial trouble, these creditors probably did not lower your interest rate or allow you to defer payments. The credit card companies are usually not understanding or sympathetic. These companies don't care if you file bankruptcy because they have already recouped any losses through their 18 percent to 26 percent interest rates.

-This latest recession showed us that the best-intentioned and smartest business people in the world can make financial mistakes or can suffer financially without fault because of the world-wide financial system. Many very conservative businesses have failed recently ranging from small family operations to our largest financial and manufacturing corporations. Don't blame yourself if you succumb to the same pressures that put our best and brightest businesses into bankruptcy.

You can do this. It will be alright and believe it or not, there will come a day when you will post words similar to mine and realize "I've made it! I'm through it! It's done!" and the relief will be wonderful.

Hang in there! You are not alone!

[mckinnea]

Thank you iamirene.. I can't tell you how comforting your words are to me. My family and my marriage mean more to me than any sum of debt or scary debt collector.

Today I will just consider all the words of wisdom and breathe.....slowly in and out.

[karm43]

I feel the same way. I am on a count down. Preparing to file. My stomach turns, all I think about. Want to get it started and over with. Reality for me isI will be in this for 5 years. his forum has definetly helped. I know I am not the only one.

[feelingnutsy]

Hi---mckinnea---I don't know if the following will help you---but echoing a bit of
what was said in the above article---I began by getting some on-line feedback
from a reputable credit counseling agency---and after the rep had gone over my
numbers---both earnings and all expenses---she said the following------I bet that
you've probably already paid for the items that you charged on those credit cards--
and now you're just paying for the debt servicing---and this was all I needed to hear.
I got a whole new perspective on what I was actually financing---and had a lawyer pronto.

[Drazil65]

We are in the planning stages of a Chp 7 and my husband is filing the end of the year (late Oct/early Nov), its been a struggle. Like you we are middle aged, nice life, nice home, 2 cars (although we bought used several years old) and then 2 yrs ago 2 lay offs for my husband within 10 months started the ball rolling. My husband is an honest, hard working man that is currently 9 months away from graduating in a brand new career after we made the decision to get off the lay off merry-go-round (he was a project manager for a real estate developer and we all know what happened to the real estate market). Because he is a full time student (going into healthcare) in an excellerated 2 year program with clinical rotations 2x's a week and 20 hours of homework on average, we knew that in addition to the damage that was started with the lay offs we would be financially hurting without him working. Its been tough, he is on antianxiety meds (no longer takes them everyday) and feels horrible not working a regular job to support his family. My paycheck only goes so far BUT we know we are doing the right thing for our future and this will all payoff 3 times over.

Making the decision was half way there as we could no longer rob peter to pay paul and had to put all our efforts towards his schooling. We have an out of state rental that is under water and BOA would not even talk to us until we were behind at least 2 months, craziest thing we ever heard but we did what we had to do to get their attention. Now its on the market as a short sale in hopes we can get rid of it before we file (we want our name off of the deed before we have to surrender it and wait for foreclosure). This is all part of the strategy and its what we have to do. We feel like we have paid off our debt many times over at this point and had stellar credit BUT what good did it do us when they (creditors) would not even talk to us when we saw things going south last year, we were just another notch in their belt and our stellar credit and payment history meant nothing, zero!!! They treat us like we have never made a payment and are complete deadbeats all these years, so play their game. We will all get through this and all be better for it. Keep reading this forum and gather info, its a lifesaver! Good Luck!

[mckinnea]

I know what you mean about being tired of robbing peter to pay paul.. Im so tired of this roller coaster.. If Chapter 13 means some kind of order and freedom from this crazy cycle - i'll take it.

[JackBondLove]

We are in the planning stages of a Chp 7 and my husband is filing the end of the year (late Oct/early Nov), its been a struggle. Like you we are middle aged, nice life, nice home, 2 cars (although we bought used several years old) and then 2 yrs ago 2 lay offs for my husband within 10 months started the ball rolling. My husband is an honest, hard working man that is currently 9 months away from graduating in a brand new career after we made the decision to get off the lay off merry-go-round (he was a project manager for a real estate developer and we all know what happened to the real estate market). Because he is a full time student (going into healthcare) in an excellerated 2 year program with clinical rotations 2x's a week and 20 hours of homework on average, we knew that in addition to the damage that was started with the lay offs we would be financially hurting without him working. Its been tough, he is on antianxiety meds (no longer takes them everyday) and feels horrible not working a regular job to support his family. My paycheck only goes so far BUT we know we are doing the right thing for our future and this will all payoff 3 times over.

Making the decision was half way there as we could no longer rob peter to pay paul and had to put all our efforts towards his schooling. We have an out of state rental that is under water and BOA would not even talk to us until we were behind at least 2 months, craziest thing we ever heard but we did what we had to do to get their attention. Now its on the market as a short sale in hopes we can get rid of it before we file (we want our name off of the deed before we have to surrender it and wait for foreclosure). This is all part of the strategy and its what we have to do. We feel like we have paid off our debt many times over at this point and had stellar credit BUT what good did it do us when they (creditors) would not even talk to us when we saw things going south last year, we were just another notch in their belt and our stellar credit and payment history meant nothing, zero!!! They treat us like we have never made a payment and are complete deadbeats all these years, so play their game. We will all get through this and all be better for it. Keep reading this forum and gather info, its a lifesaver! Good Luck!

But don't you think that it would be more ethical to tell your creditors that you expect to have a higher income down the road, so that if they were not to just sue you, you would be able to pay them back in full, and not file BK (or only file if one of your creditors sues you)?

Now, I'm not recommending that you actually act ethically here, since from a purely business POV, the time to file BK is when your income and assets are low and your unsecured debt is high! When I decided to file BK, I determined that even though the ethical thing for me to do was to cash out my fat 401K and pay off all my unsecured creditors, the proper course of action was to maximize my net financial position going forward - completely preserve my 401K, and completely wipe out my unsecured debt.