Looking for advice - explaining the situation to an innocent spouse. Let me explain.

[fileda13]

I would really like some advice from you.

The short story is that I am the financial person in the house. My wife has never really wanted anything to do with knowing the finances although I have attempted to explain. She has listened so she does understand some financial aspects of the household. She has always been the frugal one - I am the spender. I filed alone, and although I get that in our almost 30 years of marriage she had a part in spending, I consider her innocent because I could see this coming, and I truly know how every dollar is spent.

As we all know the day we signed the papers that it was all different. There is no more pretending to budget, and there is no more credit to pull out. My wife has been reluctant to sit down and really listen to what a Chapter 13 means. And the simple reason is she has never wanted to deal with the finances.

I want to tell her about the 5-year timeline - 341, confirmation, payment period, discharge. I want to tell her what happens if you succeed or fail. I want to help her (and myself) learn the true meaning of living day to day and planning for emergencies. I also want to defend her and my use of the term "innocent spouse". She understands the seriousness of what the filing meant.

So how would you approach that first explanation of what signing the papers mean in my situation? I want to ensure we've both bought into a plan to make this work together. I have my ideas, but I want to pull from other peoples thoughts.

[newbie2]

I want to tell her about the 5-year timeline - 341, confirmation, payment period, discharge. I want to tell her what happens if you succeed or fail. I want to help her (and myself) learn the true meaning of living day to day and planning for emergencies.

You answered your own question. No "approach" necessary. Simply tell her that you two need to sit down and have a talk about your financial house, and go from there.

[Flamingo]

You and your wife are both enablers to each other. Change is hard. In your situation I think both of you in a room with a counselor would work wonders.

[fileda13]

You and your wife are both enablers to each other. Change is hard. In your situation I think both of you in a room with a counselor would work wonders.

It's early in the game and the discussions are happening over this weekend. I know our relationship is strong enough that a counselor isn't necessary, but this is a true test to our 30 years of marriage. So many marriages fail due to finances - I honestly know that as an issue at all. My question is just advice because I haven't discussed finances with my wife ever to the depth needed in this situation. That's been my job in this relationship (and I guess I didn't do so well ).

Enablers? I disagree. Not being fully engaged in teamwork with every aspect of our relationship (finances) - that's more of the explanation. We both know this change is like driving a car 60MPH into a steel wall. I just don't want to leave the next 5 years planning up to me - need another set of eyes to slap me around if I err.

[IamOld]

fielda13 - I'm somewhat in the same boat...don't write off the counselor idea...I fight the same battle to an extent at home to... :-) Best wishes.

The spouse MUST understand what the 13 means - it is almost not relevant in a marriage if one or both file, because the reality is that the $$ comes out of the same bucket, if you will - it effects you both.

[AngelinaCat]

When we attended the pre-marriage counseling session that we HAD to attend, in order to be married in my church, each session--and we were there two days--stressed that what makes or breaks a couple is how they deal or do NOT deal with MONEY. Not infidelity, not many of those things that is 'stereotypical', but how the couple handles MONEY.

And after celebrating 23 years of marriage, I can attest that that is true, and sadly I have seen marriages break up here, but others get stronger...

My very best wishes go with all of you!

[helpmeout]

It's early in the game and the discussions are happening over this weekend. I know our relationship is strong enough that a counselor isn't necessary, but this is a true test to our 30 years of marriage. So many marriages fail due to finances - I honestly know that as an issue at all. My question is just advice because I haven't discussed finances with my wife ever to the depth needed in this situation. That's been my job in this relationship (and I guess I didn't do so well ).

Enablers? I disagree. Not being fully engaged in teamwork with every aspect of our relationship (finances) - that's more of the explanation. We both know this change is like driving a car 60MPH into a steel wall. I just don't want to leave the next 5 years planning up to me - need another set of eyes to slap me around if I err.

I wouldn't blow off a counselor, a counselor is a neutral 3rd party who may be able to help your wife understand the seriousness of the situation.

[Pandora]

Think of it this way: what happens if your spouse outlives YOU? Then what? Who pays the bills then?

Bottom line - she must pick up the finances.

Both hubby and myself, coming from parents of the "older generation" where mom didnt work and dad paid all the bills... after losing both of our dads within a 5 year span, our mom's suddenly had everything fall into thier laps re: finances. Both were scared, didnt want to do them and wanted us kids to take care of them. We said no. Was it hard to do that? Yep... but we helped them learn HOW to budget the money for the entire month when that one paychk came around.

Now both mom's are self sufficient and have learned exactly how to do it all. They also discovered that they weren't as "helpless" as they thought they were. The best thing they learned is that financing / budgeting is hard work and you have to be aware of every dollar. They took a different look at it - from our dads' points of view all those years - and realized how much it took every month.

If you think you're doing your wife a favor by shielding her from how it all works; you're not. You're hindering her - or she's choosing to hinder herself by keeping blinders on to the situation. Best thing you and she can do is work together on everything; even right down to the talk of "I want you to be prepared if something happens to me... we need to sit down and go over important documents, etc. and how you allocate life insurance monies".

[IamOld]

Pandora, sometimes some significant others do NOT wish to do the heavy lfiting required in a 13, and wish to go on almost as if nothing's changed, and one then feels like one is carrying the burden by oneself.

[mtbjoe]

I think a Credit counselor may be what some are being referring to. I don't want to presume to much but it sounds like you may be her "knight in shining armor" who has always protected her from everything financially at least but now you won't be able to for a while and she really needs to understand that. This may even be harder than you realize for yourself.

I'm brand new to this myself but if you have resources in your area who can help explain everything and maybe even help you plan a budget I agree with the others that it may be something worth considering.

[Pandora]

Pandora, sometimes some significant others do NOT wish to do the heavy lfiting required in a 13, and wish to go on almost as if nothing's changed, and one then feels like one is carrying the burden by oneself.

I understand that Iam - however that is akin to an ostrich burying its head in the sand. They may not want to do it..but they need to because it affects them as well. Again - look at it from a survior point of view - what happens WHEN / IF...

I understand its difficult for some to wrap their heads around, but simply being prepared for the unlikely event of (insert whatever here - could be you're hospitalized..who knows) someone has to pay the bills... right? Maybe taking a different approach vs. saying "you need to look over the Ch. 13 and learn" - may lead to the foot in the door. ??

[fileda13]

If you think you're doing your wife a favor by shielding her from how it all works; you're not. You're hindering her - or she's choosing to hinder herself by keeping blinders on to the situation. Best thing you and she can do is work together on everything; even right down to the talk of "I want you to be prepared if something happens to me... we need to sit down and go over important documents, etc. and how you allocate life insurance monies".

Definitely not shielding her - quite the contrary. And she is willing but resistant to listen ofr two reason - one she never did finances and two it scares her. The advice I'm looking for is just to make sure I break the the little barrier and make sure she truly understands the situation. She gets it, just not to the fullest.

[Pandora]

... one she never did finances and two it scares her.

So tell her you have every faith and confidence in her abilities to do them - not just learn them Then assign her a few bills to pay all by herself, every month - to build up that confidence.

I'm not being mean or harsh - to the contrary - (although it may read that way...but remember text vs. in person..) I can tell you from experience that if its confidence she lacks, you can give her that easily enough and make the turn very successfully.

ETA: you can also "up" her confidence by allowing her to do the shopping (if you do it vs. her) - but make a game of it, like a financial game; ever use coupons? If not, start - and you can tell her that any $ she saves using them, she gets to keep all to herself for her "want" money. Just remember not to go over whatever you budget for in groceries, that way you'll never have to worry. On the side, you can be putting $ away for your emergency fund outside of the $ saved from using coupons.

Just a thought... - see there are MANY ways to introduce her to your Ch. 13.... just think outside the box.

[spenny]

My grandfather died at 78. Grandma had never looked at the budget. He handed her a sum of cash for groceries, clothing and incidentals and everything else he did. She had no idea where their accounts were, what was being spent on what, any of it. Fortunately he managed the money well and once it was all straightened out there was money, the house and pensions and investment for her. But my mother and father had to take over her finances within two years. She lived 15 more years and if mom and dad hadn't been there she would probably have lost everything.

You owe it to your wife to involve her and make her understand where the money is and where it needs to go.

[sunshinepa]

I agree with all the posts. Your wife must learn to deal with finances. Sit down with her, teach her everything about running the household!