When to tell boyfriend about bk

[HOMEBODY]

I have a major dilemma. I was dating someone last year then with all the financial problems I was having, I broke off the relationship to deal with my own finances which included considering filing BK. I have been discharged now for 3 months and since I have gone back the same boyfriend.

My boyfriend has always been very moralistic and I know that he is against filing BK. He is kind of well off and he has never needed credit and doesnt like credit either. I dont know if we will ever get serious enough to get married, but I am planning on having a talk about our future in about 5 months. It would be nice if we got married, but then when I think about having to tell him, it really gives me anxiety.

I know that for me BK was the best solution. I got rid of one rental property and I got the principal reduced in one property by $110,000 (dont know if that was by mistake, but it only happened after I filed BK), I got rid of another equity line of credit that I will try to negotiate at 5%, so it was a good business decision for me. When we were dating before, he never offered to help me out and I never expected anyone to help me with my mess, but I dont want him to judge me for my decisions either. I feel a bit dishonest because I am not sharing this information with him, but then I havent told anyone either...not even my children. I feel this is a very personal decision and it is no one's business but my own. Its hard enough being blacklisted by the world for 7 years.

Anyway, chances are that we wont get married. We are both middle aged and have been single for many many years, so it would be hard to make that decision especially because he has no bills whatsover and lives on a nice hefty pension and has over 2 million dollars saved up from savings and inheritance. I have many responsibilities still, like a rental mortgage with all the responsibilities of a landlord (repairs, etc) and my mortgage is still very high (low interest though) and have a business that goes up and down.

Would just like your opinion on this subject

[pavlikclan]

Outside of marriage or the possibility of joint ownership I wouldn't tell him at all. Your financial matters are just that...YOUR financial matters. However, if marriage comes into the equation or joint ownership of anything tell him basically as soon as the subject is on the table. I know FIRSTHAND what it is like to be the unsuspecting partner and finding out the person you thought had it all together is basically sitting on a mountain of debt going south quickly a couple months before marriage. It was an edgy, not so fun time and made me exceptionally bitter. I could/can handle bankruptcy in my personal life when it comes from legitimate problems, job loss, pay decrease, medical expenses. However, being on the other side at 23 newly married I was NOT happy to have my credit trashed before I had ever even really built any.

This time I own up this is 1/3 my fault, 1/3 his fault, 1/3 really crappy circumstances. 2003 discharged from our first bk.....life is good we have a 2 year old and a new baby on the way. 2006 third child born 2 months before the oldest was dxed with Autism. 2007-2008 things are difficult, but overall very good all our bills are paid, life is good we can afford to take our kids to Disney and still pay all our bills how awesome is THAT. 2009 we lose 20 k in salary things are really tough but with a LITTLE help from family and liquidating OUR assets we are doing ok. We completely STOP using any unsecured lines of credit and work hard to pay the ones we do have off if at all possible. Late 2009 first job loss occurs. No paycheck OUCH but we are still getting by. Another 10k loss in wages at the new job. Spring 2010 this whole huge paycut is hurting pretty bad. I get a notice in the mail that a creditor payment has to be made by such and such date to keep it from being sent to an attorney. I make the payment on said day but it doesn't come out of my account till the NEXT day 1 day (not an exaggeration) late we are sued and agree to payments of 125 per month (almost paid off now). June 2010 Store closed........no paycheck. Now it REALLY hurts and things start getting behind way behind including the mortgage. Hubby finds a new job but takes an additional 15k cut in base salary. I did everything right in all actuality. I bought a house, I didn't go load up MOUNDS of debt. I don't consider 20k mounds of debt when probably 5 of that is medical that couldn't be helped. I had savings, I had assets, I used those to help get us through the rough patches. What the hell do you do when the rough patch outlasts all your resources?

Anyway I went on a rant and got way off line here. Seriously though you aren't living together, you aren't talking marriage yet. Until you do your financial life is yours. If you forge that path and he does love you, it won't matter. No I'm not crazy about trashing my credit at 23, I'm not crazy about trashing it today either. However, not having the life I've had with my husband and children to save it? Never even occurred to me.

[j3ss3]

talking in a relationship is always good
you have done a right thing i really appreciate your step .

[helpme2010]

If you bring it up in a positive way, it should be fine. You would be surprised how well people will take news like this when you tell them. If your boyfriend can't deal with it then tough $hit to him (remember, he may one day fall into the same category). Many people look down on the unemployed or those that file BK, UNTIL it happens to them. Sometimes you can't control things like this, you lose your job, unexpected financial emergencies arise, etc.

I told my parents and I thought they were going to give me garbage about it because they are similar about stuff like this, but they were fine with it. Tell him and if he doesn't like it, then too bad for him.

[bcohen]

Bankruptcy is a business/economic decision plain and simple. If your significant other is highly judgemental etc. because of it, then perhaps it's time to find someone else more concerned with your economic well-being than the banks and credit card companies!

[enuffznuff]

I also agree it's really not relevant to him unless/until your relationship progresses to a point where it might affect him (ie, marriage or cohabitation).

It occurred during a period you two were not together, so you aren't beholden to share that information with him any more than to tell him how you spent your evenings during that time. It is only his business at such time as he is committed enough to you and your relationship that he is talking marriage or living together.
If you WANT to be married and that's what you mean by 'a talk about your future' then it would certainly be unfair to put demands or ultimatums on him without his knowing what he's getting into, but if you do not plan to press the issue of marriage then I see no reason to mention it. It's none of his business at this point.

[chicagoannie]

Not the boyfriend's business unless and until marriage becomes a possibility. No need to tell him, IMHO.

[Logan]

Not the boyfriend's business unless and until marriage becomes a possibility. No need to tell him, IMHO.

I agree.

[Flamingo]

Here's your dilema...first, your filing is your own personal business; your issue here is if this person becomes a major player in your life where you may share finances, a household, etc. Note that your Bk will be on your credit reports for 10 years from the date of filing. That is a long time; you will have to make a decision if nothing will be shared jointly during that time period because if it comes up in the future and you never told him about it, his trust in you just went out the window and you will have a lot of explaining to do as to why you did not tell him. He may be a good guy and understand but in a close, personal long-term relationship, most personal issues are shared. If I were you, I would tell him and get it over with cause it will hang around your shoulders like an albatross.