Question Has Money/Bankruptcy affected your marriage?

[cantbreathe]

I vowed years ago not to argue with my spouse about money. I knew that there would be plenty of other things to "grow" through and from others' experience learned that it was just one of those things that can really tear a good relationship apart. My marriage is not unlike a lot of others we have known where one is more of a saver and the other more of a spender. As some of you may know, this situation can be very frustrating to say the least. Oh, how I have wanted to place blame and say, "I tried to tell you" and "you just wouldn't listen" but realistically we are both at fault for not being more financially responsible and coupled with this horrible economy and rising health care costs we got blindsided like so many here. Thank goodness, we still have each other and we are going through this together and learning a great deal. Like many men, my husband just doesn't outwardly show how this is all affecting him. He lost his job, he is losing his home, his wife is full of fear and cries a lot, at times uncontrollably, (like the day we hired the atty). I don't know. I just thought it would be nice to hear others' experience on this if you care to share.

Thanks

[seekingpeace]

cantbreathe, I'm beginning to think this is all why we come to these boards - so we'll see just how normal we are! Yet another person who has the same story as me. Though we've only just started the process, I'm already so tired from lack of sleep and then trying to appear as if everything is normal with my kids, nothing is wrong at work and everything will be okay with my husband. I just don't feel like we can afford to both break down at this point.

[ccsjoe]

Hi cant, our financial stresses weren't the outward kind, but rather the underlying, hidden ones that reared their ugly heads in form of anger once in a while at seemingly quasi-unimportant junk...such as me leaving the toilet seat up and causing a blowout of she leaving her jacket on the chair rather than closet....minor daily cr@p that should, would never evolve into a blowout under normal circumstances. It definitely was affecting every facet of our marriage, and even though we kept a brave face in front of our little one I'm sure she felt some of it too, I know we both had a short fuse. Never yelled at or spanked her, but we were quick to draw the timeout card.

We are going back to normal now. I think we strated feeling the pressure ease when I started researching this subject a couple months ago and noticeably felt the pressure ease when I strated interviewing attorneys late last month...we had faced reality, it was no longer hiding, it was not pretty and unless we took swift and decisive action it was going to get to a level of ugly we did not want to meet.

It happens to all of us. I wish our stress had been more outwardly, I think it would have helped us come to terms with how screwed we were at least a year ago...and maybe have taken action sooner. We have both recognized our part, and we're both making sure we "make up" for it (if ya know what I mean).

[2bdebtfree]

My financial situation here has caused a lot of stress in my marriage. I'm was/am playing the blame game and trying as hard I can to stop playing blame. Both of us are in this together. It is a very stressful time for us and just trying to get through day by day. Even the little things that happen to here I react to it more than before where I would just things be. I just want to get this over with a and not have this stress always there. Good luck!

[Flamingo]

Filing bankruptcy is a life event. Life events cause big changes in one's life (i.e., marriage, divorce, birth, death, new job, job loss, moving, etc.). Change can cause chaos and stress for oneself and those around you. Financial and credit problems leading to a BK can just be fuel for the fire if a marriage is already having issues. The best thing to do in any marriage when there are issues as to money or big changes and the parties are pointing fingers is to seek counseling; if you have health insurance, most carriers cover several initial appointments at little or no cost and it could just be the step one needs to get through all the changes.

[cantbreathe]

Thanks seekingpeace, ccsjoe, 2bdebtfree and Flamingo,
It is a huge event . I think hubby is happy that I found this forum to vent and ask questions. It keeps the focus off of HIM! (((((Hubby))))) WE WILL get through this.....This is just another chapter.......I will focus today on what "I" can do to bring balance into the equation.......
38 days until 341.

[seekingpeace]

I don't think it is enough of a subject to post on its own but do you all generally feel worse in the morning and night? I guess I obsess all morning from about 4:30 to early afternoon and then it seems to subside for a while. Of course, it comes back to haunt me at night but I wonder why it is or if you all feel the same? Maybe I know I have to put up a good front for the kids in the afternoon. Any thoughts?

[Meatstick]

We have been pretty lucky concerning our Ch.7 BK and marriage. Neither one of us are really driven by money and/or material things. When I first sat her down and we discussed the possibilty of filing bk she was very receptive and even more supportive of our situation. We have 2 kids in college and one kid who has a heart transplant so even now that our case has been discharged money is very tight. It hasn't been much fun and it hasn't been easy but I am blessed to have a wife that has been supportive and understanding thru the entire process.

[2bdebtfree]

Seeking peace - I really start to think about it the middle of the night and wake up several times a night. Also, first thing in the morning is when my mind goes directly to the bankruptcy and I start to panic. As I go along the day the feelings subside. It's still on my mind but not as much as right when I wake up. It's awful feeling like this.

Yes, I do put on a happy face when I'm around the kids. It's tough. Maybe when I'm done with this process I won't wake up in a panic anymore.

Good luck and hang in there!

[UghUghUgh]

I HAVE to focus on school but at the same time.... I think my answer to this is morning, noon and night. Oddly enough I am usually so tired by the end of the day I sleep just fine.
Today I made it to school and back with the gas light on. I wanted to get gas but I did not have the money, this upset me in the morning and in the afternoon. I think my fingers are forever twisted from crossing them so hard that I would make it home. When it came time for lunch I had nothing and I was pretty hungry, this upset me around noon. When I got home from school I borrowed $20 from my parents. I got $7.80 in gas and the rest on groceries. We now have milk, eggs, bread, a can of green beans and some ground beef. (I laughed and said, 'LOOK! I made a loafmeat! as it was mostly bread crumbs and very little beef.) and I got 3 cans of dog food. I am giving the dog 1/2 a wet food on a 1/4 cup of dry with some warm water, this gets it all soft and then he will eat it. Now that it is 'in my face' it hits me all throughout the day.

[cantbreathe]

Hang in there Ugh.

[Freddy03]

My marriage has suffered because I kept my husband in the dark. He never pays the bills. I told him about my own debt settlement plan when I first started but that was it. It was until the summons started coming in I had to sit down with him and tell him how bad it was. I thought he would kill me but he didn't he was more mad that I was dealing with it alone. What keeps me up at night is trying to figure out how we got into this mess. We still have the same income as 4 years ago (thankfully). A few years ago we we could go to the stores buy whatever we wanted or needed. I never had to worry about paying for school class trips, gas, mortgage, etc. For the past 2 years we haven't bought anything that wasn't needed or not on sale.

If I could go back in time I would have NEVER refi my house when the offers were coming in 4 per day. That was the stupidest thing we did.

Slowly things are coming around.

[SMinGA]

Yes but no.

Finances/money have impacted us at times - but the negative impact was more a result of poor communication about money than money itself. We are not perfect now, but over the years we have gotten better. I am the finance guru in our house. We had times where he said he wanted to be involved and times when he even tried to handle it all. Just based on our personalities, its best that I handle those things. In the past there were many times where he wanted and we couldn't afford it, but he bought anyhow. But it was not all his fault - I either didn't say we couldn't afford it, or waited til things were beyond the point of no return to make it clear how bad things were getting.

Its very important that I keep him involved, in decision making and knowing where things stand. I don't tell him everything - like I recently changed our home owners insurance to save us $200/year. He doesn't care to know that sort of detail. But making decisions that are not so clear cut, I insist that he be involved. That way we shoulder some responsibility together and its not something that can be blamed on one or the other. And for us, I must update him on a weekly basis letting him know if its a tighter than usual week. (Some of our income varies weekly - that covers groceries & other expenses. My fixed full time job covers the fixed bills like mortgage, utilities, etc.)

[sophia]

Has Money/Bankruptcy affected your marriage?

I spent 5+ years NOT "arguing" with my husband in regards to the finances. I got tired of having to explain to him why we could not buy this or that or charge this or that. Even though I was the one paying everything and trying to keep us from drowning I just gave up.

Maybe because I had 2 kids in 3 years close to being 40 years old I just did not have the energy to argue anymore. Of course, the end result was BK. How the heck I manged to rob Peter to Pay Paul to pay the 3k minimum CC balances due every month with a monthly income of 4k after taxes and everything is beyond me.

I was so pre occupied with paying the minimum, utilizing grace periods, etc. that we actually did not have a late payment until after we hired a attorney.

Since our discharge and closed BK things have been so much nicer.

I now argue/debate with him about all things finances. I make my point and if he does not want to hear me I type it up and print it and slip it in his lunch cooler for work. I have become much more assertive and able to put my foot down and say no to buying "things".

I do not work, I stay home with the kids for now and plan on going back to work in about 2 years. But for now I have managed to get our monthly bills- Rent, water, electric, web & home phone & cell phones down to $1300 a month. (We have no Cable or Satellite TV) Food, diapers, gas,Netflix,clothes, etc. another $1200. Which leaves us emergency monies or a month ahead, whichever it is needed for.

My husband has ideas as to what to spend the "extra monies" on, but he now has no say in it, those days are gone, bye bye, see ya.

Our bills are paid, the kids are taken care of and we have cash for everything that is a necessity. Period end of conversation.

I spent way to many years not saying anything and BK woke us both up. He has no worries. All he needs to do is go to work and come home and enjoy the things he already has and be happy. And we even have that end taken care of, Extra Life insurance and AD&D just in case.

The stress of the CC's and all that came with them was just way more than any of us needed. We are enjoying our freedom of debt for now. Before BK I was a stress ball and having panic attacks at the end of each month. I have not had a panic attack since this time last year. I am happier which makes my husband happier. I appreciate all the long hours he works and we talk about so many other things than we had been when we were drowning in debt.

I think we are both just so much happier and pleasant to each other and others.

[overhead14]

We are in the early stages of BK. Talked to a lawyer, have the money, set up second meeting when you turn the paperwork in. I feel that the blame game is starting with my wife and I. I feel she is indirectly blaming me. I don't understand it. She makes more than me, and she wants to get seperate checking accounts after BK. We have had the same account since before we were married, almost 11 years ago. I trust her and she trusts me. I do not live lavishly or spend money on foolish things. I know who is "feeding" these thoughts into her head, but will not say. She brought this up to me last night, and it feels like I got kicked in the stomach. We are supposed to go camping this weekend, but, I really am not into it. We have not talked to each other since last night. I feel that if she gets seperate checking account, it will drive wedge deeper between us. Thanks for reading, and comments and advice are appreciated.