My story and question about emotions / keeping that I filed a secret

[meateater]

Financially, all is well, anyone reading should realize that bankruptcy can truly repair past financial mistakes.

[BobMango]

First off I have to say congratulations, it sounds like you have been doing all the right things since filing.

I am constantly telling my kids that you can't control what others think about you so don't waste energy trying to. What you can control is how you feel.

You really need to start thinking of your bankruptcy as a business decision, not a permanent black mark. There will be instances where the bankruptcy will have a negative impact on your life. Guess what? You can't do anything about that.

I decided early on that I would tell anyone who was interested what I had done when I filed. I've told family, friends, co-workers, etc. I'm not proud of it but I'm not ashamed either. It's just a reality that I had to go through.

The reaction from most has been sympathetic. They understand that significant real estate, business and job losses all contributed. Mine was not a case of living the high life and then sticking it to my creditors, which was a common perception of bankruptcy in years past. It sounds like you were just financially naive, not trying to live it up at someone else's expense. So don't beat yourself up about it. You've learned your lesson and are doing the right things now. There are second changes and new starts, enjoy yours!

As for any that think less of me or want to provide condescending observations about what I should have done, well, I choose not to dwell on it. I have plenty of good supportive friends that I spend time with. And the others? Not so much.

[ChaseDidThis]

You've made good on your fresh start and shouldn't feel guilty about it. Do you need to be proud that you filed? No, of course not, but you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. It was a business decision, that's all.

Why would you tell someone your dating about your bankruptcy? Do you feel the need to tell them how much is in your 401K as well? It's not a secret, it's just not relevant.

I don't know what your occupation is, but don't really get why some employers think a bankruptcy somehow determines what type of employee you'll be. Kind of like being denied a security clearance because of bankruptcy...hmm whose a greater security risk, the guy with $100K debt or the guy with no debt. I just don't get it.

Be proud of what you've accomplished with your second chance.....Period.

[klandsb]

This is just my thoughts after reading your thread. Your going to have to "LET IT GO"...Instead of looking /living in the past try and look/live in the future. If you keep obsessing about it in the end it will eat you alive...There is not one person you know or will ever meet that has not made some financial mistakes along the way. You should be very proud of yourself for getting yourself turned around. Many cant say that. When I think about past mistake I have made and start feeling bad I always have to tell myself in reality there is not one thing I can do to change the past but I can determine the future by my actions.... Stop beating yourself up. Beside I thought BK only stayed on record for 8 yrs so you are almost there. In a way you are lucky because in the economic enviroment we are in no one is surprised to hear someone filed BK... So the next time you are thinking about the past remind yourself you cannot change what happaned in the past , none of us can, we can just learn from our mistakes and move forward... Best of luck to you....

[HakunaMatata]

You were wise enough to make a successful business decision. You filed pro se; and, you successfully received a discharge. You've successfully moved up the career/salary ladder. You've been successful in paying off your student loans and increasing your credit score. Give yourself some credit beyond your currently successfully managed credit cards! Yeah, there is a theme here...success. It's time to squash the BK stigma. You've logically and successfully tackled many hurdles. Don't permit irrational, unfounded emotion to set you at an impasse.

You don't have substantial proof your interview and lack of job offer was exclusively tied to BK. Maybe the interviewer didn't like your suit or maybe he was threatened by your intelligence or maybe you reminded him of an old elementary school bully. Normally, I would recommend eliminating the guesswork and simply accept the fact that you didn't get the job (many of us have had less-than-favorable interviews and/or unpredictable outcomes). In your situation, you need to expand it to realms beyond BK. And...if you're still locked on the BK, remind yourself you've succeeded in your career.

You're not a "faker", you are person of action...a person who made a sound business decision, established control, and successfully moved forward. There's is nothing "fake" or unplanned embedded within your numerous successes. I'm sure you didn't poorly plan to pay off fake student loans with fake money.

I understand the stigma associated with BK. I also understand its unfounded, illogical roots. I don't intend to stand on rooftops proclaiming my insolvent status while donning a large B on my forehead. However, I have learned BK isn't a big, bad secret. As I was engaged in the "to file or not to file" process, I sought advice from others. In doing so, I discovered numerous individuals who had filed. Many of whom, I deem incredibly successful. If someone learns of my BK status and develops an unfavorable, non-supportive stance...I really didn't need that person in my life. The stigma-driven folks have a place...far from me.

Stop feeding the stigma. Just as you surrendered your financial troubles, you need to surrender the negative emotions connected to BK to positively propel. Without looking to the external, what is so terrible about BK? Clearly, this process has granted you strength and success.

Build upon your successes. You have much to offer and an irrational stigma can't prevent you from doing so.

Wishing you the best!

[Flamingo]

The above posters have the right attitude to your situation...time to let go and move on. But you do need to know that just like a marriage and divorce on the public records, just like selling a house and transferring a title to a house, the BK is always going to be there as public information beyond the 10 years it is on your credit reports. After 10 years, only those searching your background deeply will find the BK and know that your name is out there on mailing lislts as filing BK and just as us, over 3 years past discharge we are still receiving junk mail as filing BK and being discharged. That information is gleaned via public information and/or sold in all the mailing lists that travel around. All that is something you and everyone has to deal with. Know you did not do anything wrong to file and go on rebuilding your life as best as you can and reap the rewards as they come along. The knowledge you have gained from going through a BK is priceless.

Also note that there are many qualified people out there for jobs who never filed BK and also never got the job but do realize that most higher executive positions frown on BK and most high end executive employment contracts have a bankruptcy clause indicating that if one files BK, they have to notify the company immediately.

Now and then as time goes on you will still run into issues that the BK creates but time is also your best friend in many ways to rebuilding after a BK. As time moves on you will start to let go more and more and it will become more and more a thing of the past.

Best of luck to you in all your future endeabors!

[nerves]

Meateater - I was emotionally in a similar place that you currently are at about a month and a half ago. I knew there was a very good posibility our bk would be printed in the business section of our local paper and I was so stressed about it before it happened. I had to tell my employer due to licensing requirements. I dreaded the day it was going to become public knowledge but when the days came for both, I had a talk with myself to rationalize my emotions. I was at the point of being too tired to care but knew I had to keep moving forward. My boss was great about it - he said he wished he had the courage to take the leap of faith to start his own business ( business failure got us into this mess) and when it was published, I haven't heard a word from anyone other than concerned peeps wanting to know what my husband was going to do since the business closed. Many advised they would keep their ears open for any available jobs - this is not what I expected. I expected to get the "look" and hear whispers as I walked by and it hasn't happened. I work for a financial company and I am sure the debut in the paper was seen by many. A week after it was published in our local paper, it was published in my hometown paper (I didn't know it would be published there as well). Most grief I got was from my grandmother which was expected. I knew she would find out sooner or later. I love granny dearly but she is a busy body and wants to know everyones business and makes things appear worst than they actually are. Knowing how to handle her, I just said yes we filed and haven't given her details to relish on.

I have come to realize that people have problems and issues in their own lives - they don't have time to worry about my financial issues or tend to really care. Many are facing the same financial problems we have and are too consumed with figuring out what they need to do instead of wasting energy on what we have done to get us out of the mess we got ourselves into.

I handle the busy bodies the same I handled creditors - confirmed we have filed bankrupty and leave it at that. You can't change your past - you can only look forward to the future and use your energy to make yourself a better person. If your friends and family really care about you - they will lend their support and leave it to you to open up and accept you for your true inter beauty.

Will this affect future employment opportunities for you and I? Possibly. Do we really want to work in an enviroment that judges you everyday for past mistakes? I can't answer this for you, but for me - I don't. I truly wish the best for you. Just remember there are worst things in life that could happen. You are still hear to tell your story

[JRScott]

Congratulations on paying off your student loans

My advice don't worry about it. You did what you had to do. I know it can be rough but when your in a situation where they have pulled background or credit check and the bk shows then be prepared to defend the situation, point out the economic troubles you had then and the youth of inexperience leading to poor decisions. Then point out your successful pro se filing and hard work involved in filing the bankruptcy. Then point out that afterwards you have rearranged your financial situation, learned from the error of your ways even to the point of having paid off all your student loans and maintaining a stellar credit rating since.

Will there be some that still will not hire you, yes. Don't worry about it though its their loss, keep doing what you are doing.. Defend what you've done though so that they have a better picture of you, I know its hard but it is essential.

[ForTheBest]

Will this affect future employment opportunities for you and I? Possibly. Do we really want to work in an enviroment that judges you everyday for past mistakes? I can't answer this for you, but for me - I don't.

Nerves, thank you so much for posting this. It was exactly what I needed to read today and helps more than I can say.

I lost my federal gov't job a few months before filing (my department was eliminated). I've since applied for other positions with the same agency but have been told by HR that my bankruptcy may prevent me from being hired - despite great performance reviews, etc. in my previous job with them.

I've been on pins and needles about it for months as I go through the long process of waiting to hear what their decision will be - feeling, at times, like my entire future hinges on that decision. Your post snapped me back to reality and makes me realize it doesn't.

Meateater, you've done an incredible job of getting (and staying) on the right financial track. And you've further proven your worth and tenacity by progressing in your job despite the stress of bankruptcy and the rebuilding process that followed - not to mention doing it all with that overwhelming sense of shame you described nipping at your heels every step of the way.

You're not in the same place you were seven years ago, or even three years ago, even if emotionally it feels to you that you are.

I can't tell you how many times in my life I've let fear or shame immobilize me and stop me from even jiggling the knob on the doors the universe put in front of me just to see if one of them might actually open. So many times, in fact, that until reading Nerves' quote today, I didn't realize that this time I'd convinced myself that there aren't even any other doors there! There are. Now we just have to get up the courage to walk through them.

[OhioFiler]

It's simply wrong to assume you were not offered that job based on your credit report. That's your insecurity playing tricks on you. Unless you were told specifically the reason you were not hired was your bankruptcy, you are free to choose ANY reason why you were not hired. If I were in that position I would choose something more fun like "The company president was way too intimidated by my vastly superior management skills and my amazing good looks to allow me on board!"

[HakunaMatata]

It's simply wrong to assume you were not offered that job based on your credit report. That's your insecurity playing tricks on you. Unless you were told specifically the reason you were not hired was your bankruptcy, you are free to choose ANY reason why you were not hired. If I were in that position I would choose something more fun like "The company president was way too intimidated by my vastly superior management skills and my amazing good looks to allow me on board!"

Precisely, OF! I know this with certainty...because it has happened to me!

To everyone struggling securing employment...indeed, this is challenging. BK commonly instills new fears. The job market is rough. I know plenty of successful candidates without a BK on their records who have been less than successful in securing employment. Confidence is critical. Perseverance is pivotal. Don't let your wise business decision hinder your progress.

[Mi Bankruptcy]

I think you need to really identify what your fears are. If it is someone confronting you about your BK you should write down every question or circumstance that scares you and prepare a statement on how to respond to the "imaginary question" I say this because you are a take action person and you need to do something to get this out of your system. I suggest you practice your reply out loud a couple of times.

Also, You first question should always be. How did you find out about my bankrupcy? This makes the other person have to respond and gives you time to prepare for the next question or to give an answer.

[OhioFiler]

Precisely, OF! I know this with certainty...because it has happened to me!

WHAT have you done to those poor dogs?!!!

[flyinbroke]

It's simply wrong to assume you were not offered that job based on your credit report. That's your insecurity playing tricks on you. Unless you were told specifically the reason you were not hired was your bankruptcy, you are free to choose ANY reason why you were not hired. If I were in that position I would choose something more fun like "The company president was way too intimidated by my vastly superior management skills and my amazing good looks to allow me on board!"

I agree with this. You are playing jedi mind tricks on yourself. You may not have gotten the job because you are overqualified, have too much education or experience, wore the wrong color suit or the boss' mistress applied for it.

[nerves]

You are very welcome ForTheBest. This site is a great source for knowledge and support. Most of us here have struggled with the emotions and stress of our financial issues. The company I work for must not be to overly concerned with my bk as they just enrolled me into some higher education and licensing. I figure that gives me at least another six months of job security Hang in there - the rope that is currently strangling you will eventually set you free.