Dating someone new: At what point do I confess about my financial mess?

[JustFileSuit]

[QUOTE=bluemartini;361377]

That is actually my worst fear.

Shouldn't be. There's lots of solid guys out there that genuinely want to take care of their woman. It validates their manliness. I ought to know; I'm one of them! Just move on to someone more solid, and be grateful that the guy who "looked good" turned out not to be so great, before you got emotionally involved and got hurt. You don't need that baggage at this point in your life.

How's the airport doing?

[bluemartini]

[QUOTE=JustFileSuit;361385]

Shouldn't be. There's lots of solid guys out there that genuinely want to take care of their woman. It validates their manliness. I ought to know; I'm one of them! Just move on to someone more solid, and be grateful that the guy who "looked good" turned out not to be so great, before you got emotionally involved and got hurt. You don't need that baggage at this point in your life.

How's the airport doing?

I really appreciate how you have lifted my spirits.

Really, I mean that.

((((Thank you))))

You're right, move on to someone more solid. My sister and brother-in-law, for instance, are a great example of this. My brother-in-law is a prince. He would never have judged my sister on her finances -- not that her finances were a problem. He just didn't care. He only loved her and that is all that mattered.

Anyway, thank you again!

I am meeting tomorrow with the lawyer from E-harmony and we shall see how it goes. I like to give the benefit of the doubt, so I'm hoping that when he checked off "must be financially responsible" on his list -- maybe it was more a reflection of him getting burned in the past by an ex-wife who went nuts with the credit cards --- and less a reflection of what he would expect or project onto me. But then, I tend to be kind of optimistic and naive that way... LOL


I have decided that if we end up dating, I will try to find a way to hint at my problem within the first three dates or so. I know it is wildly inappropriate to talk about money when you barely know someone, but I honestly am not ashamed of my situation because in my heart I feel I am guilty of nothing more than a little too much optimism and bad judgment, and that is what led me to the decisions that led to my foreclosure.

Inappropriate or not, I just can't take the chance that we would hit it off only for me to find out later that my finances were a deal-breaker. My heart could not handle that. I have been through enough already.

It would be humiliating to be rejected by someone based on my finances, but better to get on with it and move to someone with whom I could be truly compatible... soul mates if you will.

[JRScott]

No relationship can survive if you're not honest. If they ask, tell them the truth. Even if they don't ask if things start getting serious it might be time to discuss it.

[floridian]

i could write a book about online dating thing.. i met many women in a ten year period.. at the time, i was doing very well financially.. im getting married next week to a woman i met locally that cuts my hair...
the online thing was good for a few flings, but the majority of people there misrepresent themselves... usually its just a matter of time before its becomes obvious...

just dont get your hopes too high, as this dude might have a story of his own..

[Flowers]

bluemartini - how is it going. Thought of you the other day when an e-harmony match sent me the question "How do you approach your finances?" ugh . . . .

[momisery]

I do not board cast my finances. In fact when my score was really high close to 800, and I was never late and could get a loan at the drop of the hate, I refrained from discussing it. My business is my business. Now, if I were dating and it look like it might become more than just a casual date I would tell them asap. Until then, frankly it is none of their bees wax.. lol

[bluemartini]

bluemartini - how is it going. Thought of you the other day when an e-harmony match sent me the question "How do you approach your finances?" ugh . . . .

Hi, Flowers.

It's going.

I'm meeting a lot of new people and by and large they are very nice. Gentlemenly, educated, blah blah blah. I have two contenders. Well, we've only been on three dates or so, so it's very early on. One of them really likes me a lot so far and calls every day, we'll see how it goes. He seems to like so much that I get the impression he would not give a rat's @ss if he knew about my financial situation. He insists on paying for all the dates, etc., very old school and frankly I am enjoying the attention and growing more interested in return.

The other one is a successful lawyer (I checked, lol) and he is the one who sent the list of "must have's" that included "must be financially responsible." He is interested but doesn't seem as interested as the other one. Which I'm a little bummed about because I'm very interested in him. He is very frugal. Not frugal with our dates necessarily. He takes me places and pays, etc. --- but he doesn't dress flashy or drive a flashy car (which is fine with me) but I guess the point I'm making is, he seems like the type who potentially could be watching every penny. He owns a lot of property and I know he probably didn't acquire all of that by being careless with money. So anyway I think my financial situation would be more of an issue with him.

Hard to tell though.

Right now I am just dating my @ss off and going out with as many new contacts as I can squeeze in, until I meet someone who feels like long term potential. Having fun with it but it's also exhausting! LOL

Plus I'm spending a small fortune (relatively speaking) on clothes and shoes, hair and manicures. Not really a small fortune. But more than I usually do, for sure. I don't feel bad letting the guy pay for the date when I'm spending four times the cost of dinner on my outfit/salon highlights or whatever. (LOL) Eh, it's fun, and you only live once, right?

[bluemartini]

bluemartini - how is it going. Thought of you the other day when an e-harmony match sent me the question "How do you approach your finances?" ugh . . . .

LOL I haven't gotten that question yet. Let me know if you come up with a good answer!

(haha)

I guess I would say something like: "I approach my finances only after having had a double scotch on the rocks first."

I don't think they would appreciate that, though!

[OweTooMuch]

Unless they ask you to marry them, you get engaged, or decide to buy a house with them there is NO need to share all your finances with them. By that time, they either love you or they don't. If they do then it won't make a difference or at the worst may delay your home buying a few years. If they don't love you then you will find out pretty quick. It is better to find out before than after. Have fun dating, enjoy it, and don't take it too seriously. You may need to kiss quite a few frogs until you find the right one for you .

[bluemartini]

Unless they ask you to marry them, you get engaged, or decide to buy a house with them there is NO need to share all your finances with them. By that time, they either love you or they don't. If they do then it won't make a difference or at the worst may delay your home buying a few years. If they don't love you then you will find out pretty quick. It is better to find out before than after. Have fun dating, enjoy it, and don't take it too seriously. You may need to kiss quite a few frogs until you find the right one for you .

I have been flip flopping back and forth on this issue for a few weeks, but now I am leaning more towards this.

If someone doesn't really love me, including proving it in numerous ways and earning that level of trust from me... then my finances are none of their business. That is really the bottom line.

[Flowers]

bluemartini,
I see what you are saying about the frugality of some of these guys. I have seen that too and it does make you think. While one date payed for the date, he would mention how he had his car insurance at his parents address to make it cheaper, and I also noticed his style of clothing was not new or up-to-date.
Meanwhile, I too am making sure my hair is done, and I have proper fitting clothing and eye-brows waxed. Just see how it goes. I was a bit taken that the first date he did not have a haircut etc, but in the end he was "dullsville" and I suggested to him it would probably not work out.

Personality and compatibility is what counts here. Remember you were being financially responsible by filing bankruptcy. Lots of folks just never do.
And unless you plan on marrying...remember that is why we have dating .

[bluemartini]

bluemartini,
I see what you are saying about the frugality of some of these guys. I have seen that too and it does make you think. While one date payed for the date, he would mention how he had his car insurance at his parents address to make it cheaper, and I also noticed his style of clothing was not new or up-to-date.
Meanwhile, I too am making sure my hair is done, and I have proper fitting clothing and eye-brows waxed. Just see how it goes. I was a bit taken that the first date he did not have a haircut etc, but in the end he was "dullsville" and I suggested to him it would probably not work out.

Personality and compatibility is what counts here. Remember you were being financially responsible by filing bankruptcy. Lots of folks just never do.
And unless you plan on marrying...remember that is why we have dating .

Hey Flowers,
Remember too --- that while we are not necessarily telling them every single thing about our financial situations, there are probably a few things they are not telling us either.

One of my contenders --- I was not impressed with his outfit the other day. Nice guy, professional, but it honestly looked to me like his shirt possibly had not been ironed? Yikes.... but I am trying to remember all the times my sister dated guys who had flaky clothes, and once they got all committed, she would take them shopping and give them makeovers. LOL... I think it's called dating a fixer upper. Haha.

Well, I'm not perfect either -- I could stand to lose a few pounds, and I am working on it. But tonight I blew $40 on gel nails! Haha! The dating chase continues!

[bluemartini]

Also too, Flowers --- if anyone sends that question, "how do you approach your finances?" -- I would honestly consider just closing the match right then and there.

In fact I did something sort of like that the other day when a cute E-harmony guy sent me his must have's and can't stands. I had been hoping and hoping he would contact me because I was really interested.

He ended up listing the financial thing in BOTH his must have's and can't stands. Then insult to injury he said he "can't stand" anyone who is overweight (that would be me... )

I figured I had just been given the triple whammy so I just closed the match and wished him well with his search. From now on when that happens I am going to just close the match... I mean stop and think about it. Here you are corresponding online with someone who could potentially be your soulmate and the love of your life and maybe even the mother of your children. And out of ALL the questions in the world you could ask, you want to know.... "what is your approach to finances?"

(CRINGE)

Just the fact that someone would ask that question is a compatibility issue for me. But then I tend to be a romantic. I mean, I wouldn't even have the nerve to ask a man about that. I would be embarrassed! Especially so early on, like before you've even met for coffee?