Dating someone new: At what point do I confess about my financial mess?

[bluemartini]

I am in the midst of a messy foreclosure and bankruptcy that I expect will be discharged by this time next year. (long story)

Anyway, I am single and have recently joined some online dating websites.

Here is my question. There are a couple of very promising guys I've been matched with on E-harmony.

But when they sent me their list of "must have's" and "can't stand's" (part of the e-harmony process).... both of them said:
* they can't stand someone who is financially irresponsible
*they must have someone who knows how to manage their finances responsibly.

Of course there were many other things on their lists, but the financial thing got my attention.

At what point do I let a new date/new relationship know what is going on in my personal finances? This is very personal and I don't think it is appropriate for me to be sharing this with them just yet. We haven't even gone on a date yet! Haven't even talked on the phone.

Is this a red flag that I should be paying attention to at this point? Should I go ahead and let the flirting continue and let it reach the stage of dating and then see if we have any potential?

Why should I tell them about my red flags if they haven't even seen my green flags yet?

Besides, maybe when they say "financially irresponsible" they are talking about women who run up credit cards and go shopping with hubby's paycheck. I am not like that at all, am very frugal.

And what does "financially irresponsible" mean, anyway? I am a stable person with a secure job where I have worked for seven years; I don't gamble or anything like that. I did have the misfortune of buying a house that was a lemon and ended up needing tons of repairs and maintenance. I ran up my credit cards trying to keep the plumbing, electric wiring and roof together. I lost every penny, does that make me financially irresponsible?

Any feedback would be appreciated.

[HakunaMatata]

If these are generic "must have" or "can't stand" questions with pre-filled answers which must be completed in order to create a dating profile, I wouldn't overly concerned. Even if these men created financial criteria on their own, I think most of us have experienced dating situations where predefined "perfect" isn't exactly perfect and "imperfect" works really well.

Of course the financial comments triggered your attention. You're experiencing heightened sensivity due to the nature of your current circumstances. You know your financial life will change and any relationship-worthy man will recognize this as well.

Focus on the other points on their lists. If they seem compatible, begin the dating process. And...don't forget this is a process. You don't have to describe your entire world immediately.

[flyinbroke]

If you are stereotypically hot, you won't have any problems. eScamony makes you fill out must haves and most men fill in finances and weight. That is it.

As for when to reveal....it won't get that serious that quickly; if it seems like it has potential then let him know. The first few dates should not involve heavy stuff like that. You will know when the time is right.

[Flowers]

bluemartini,
I think the other poster is right, you are very sensitive right now.

In the beginning of the dating it should not matter, you can gloss over certain things.
I am in the same boat, and am on that web site too.
And don't forget . . . there are soooo many other things that will make a relationship work/not work, it is not just the one aspect of the must/have/not stand.

[Flamingo]

That is just standard stuff that you received....do you really believe something would have come through like..."looking for someone who is in foreclosure and filing bankruptcy and can impulse shop like crazy!" That does not imply anything as to you but you know what I mean. Of course they are going to list looking for good financial background. Everyone goes through life events of one sort or another and if you meet someone who cannot take you for who you are or what you have done or what life events you have been through, they are not worth your time.

[bluemartini]

Thank you, everyone who responded, I feel better already.

Thank you for helping me get perspective on this.

I honestly was upset when I saw that out of all the guys I'm corresponding with, the two that I am most interested in were the only ones who listed finances as a hot button issue with them.

You're right, I'll chill out and just let the process play out and see where it goes.

Huge thanks to all of you for helping to point me in the right direction. I appreciate it.

[JustFileSuit]

I

And what does "financially irresponsible" mean, anyway? I am a stable person with a secure job where I have worked for seven years; I don't gamble or anything like that. I did have the misfortune of buying a house that was a lemon and ended up needing tons of repairs and maintenance. I ran up my credit cards trying to keep the plumbing, electric wiring and roof together. I lost every penny, does that make me financially irresponsible?

Nope. That is not financially irresponsible. That is just plain misfortune. Or lousy luck. Like the businessman that buys a piece of land for a housing development and finds out it has chemical waste buried underneath (yup, that happened: Buffalo, Love Canal). That is not irresponsible; things just went wrong.


I would suggest to you (since you are presumably a woman) the following: men really like to take care of their woman. And a man that is not prepared to share his paycheck in support of his woman is not someone you want as a mate anyway.

Time to talk about this stuff is when you are going out in person. Like after two months. And I'm a guy.

[JustFileSuit]

[QUOTE=bluemartini;360503]

Anyway, I am single and have recently joined some online dating websites.

If you are a single woman looking for a nice man, a good alternative to the web is to go to places that men congregate.

Try the local private (general aviation) airport. Lots of fine men own small airplanes and would be delighted to take you up for a spin. they would treat you as nicely as they do their airplanes!

Or join up at a sailing club. Lots of fine fellows go sailing, and are looking for shipmates to sail with. You get to learn something new (like raising the sail) and get to meet all sorts of fine men!

These guys are not going to get put off by your property mess and BK filing. Hey, it happens. Good luck to you.

[bluemartini]

Nope. That is not financially irresponsible. That is just plain misfortune. Or lousy luck. Like the businessman that buys a piece of land for a housing development and finds out it has chemical waste buried underneath (yup, that happened: Buffalo, Love Canal). That is not irresponsible; things just went wrong.

I would suggest to you (since you are presumably a woman) the following: men really like to take care of their woman. And a man that is not prepared to share his paycheck in support of his woman is not someone you want as a mate anyway.

Time to talk about this stuff is when you are going out in person. Like after two months. And I'm a guy.

Thank you, JustFile! I appreciate that! I try not to take it too much to heart or blame myself too much, but every now and then I have my moments.

[QUOTE=JustFileSuit;360549]

If you are a single woman looking for a nice man, a good alternative to the web is to go to places that men congregate.

Try the local private (general aviation) airport. Lots of fine men own small airplanes and would be delighted to take you up for a spin. they would treat you as nicely as they do their airplanes!

Gee, now why didn't I think of that... I live five minutes from an airport just like that!

I am a teacher, so I work with kids all day; and I don't hang out in bars or lounges, so I'm always thinking: "Where are the guys, anyway?"

LOL

Thanks for the idea! I am going to pass that one on to my girlfriends! (haha)

[JustFileSuit]

I am a teacher, so I work with kids all day; and I don't hang out in bars or lounges, so I'm always thinking: "Where are the guys, anyway?"

Sure; the guys are out doing guy things. Guy things are fun things. Hang out with guys and you will recapture that zest for life and living! And guys like to have women around that are interested in the things that they do and are good at.

Forget about "bars and lounges." The guys you meet thee are drinkers. Guys that habitually drink have a chromosome problem and are predisposed to being lousy mates (not always, to be sure, but often enough). I wouldn't go looking for a woman in a bar; why would you go looking for a guy there? Makes no sense at all.

Good luck to you!

[Widdle]

I am in the midst of a messy foreclosure and bankruptcy that I expect will be discharged by this time next year. (long story)

Anyway, I am single and have recently joined some online dating websites.

Here is my question. There are a couple of very promising guys I've been matched with on E-harmony.

But when they sent me their list of "must have's" and "can't stand's" (part of the e-harmony process).... both of them said:
* they can't stand someone who is financially irresponsible
*they must have someone who knows how to manage their finances responsibly.

Of course there were many other things on their lists, but the financial thing got my attention.

At what point do I let a new date/new relationship know what is going on in my personal finances? This is very personal and I don't think it is appropriate for me to be sharing this with them just yet. We haven't even gone on a date yet! Haven't even talked on the phone.

Is this a red flag that I should be paying attention to at this point? Should I go ahead and let the flirting continue and let it reach the stage of dating and then see if we have any potential?

Why should I tell them about my red flags if they haven't even seen my green flags yet?

Besides, maybe when they say "financially irresponsible" they are talking about women who run up credit cards and go shopping with hubby's paycheck. I am not like that at all, am very frugal.

And what does "financially irresponsible" mean, anyway? I am a stable person with a secure job where I have worked for seven years; I don't gamble or anything like that. I did have the misfortune of buying a house that was a lemon and ended up needing tons of repairs and maintenance. I ran up my credit cards trying to keep the plumbing, electric wiring and roof together. I lost every penny, does that make me financially irresponsible?

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Post back and tell them they need to update their list to reflect the current economy!

[Widdle]

Post back and tell them they need to update their list to reflect the current economy!

One of our friends has the same info listed. He is such a hypocrite, it makes up sick.

He retired a couple of years ago. His entire life consists of riding his 4-wheeler to the local bar for 2 or 3 hours at noon, goes home takes a nap, goes back to the bar till closing, then internet dates most hours of the night.

He says he will not date a woman that doesn't have money and has a credit score less than 750.

He says that way he knows they won't be dating him for his money!

Yeah, that's the kind of life women want!

[bluemartini]

Post back and tell them they need to update their list to reflect the current economy!

LOL... very funny!

Maybe though when they said "can't stand someone who is financially irresponsible" they were talking about something different, maybe some personal experience where they had been burned. For example maybe they used to have an ex who ran up the credit cards shopping at the mall.

In fact on my list of "can't stand's," I had chosen "cheap and tight-fisted to the point of being impractical." Because one of my pet peeves is when people leave cheap tips for the waiter in a restaurant, for example. But I ended up going back and removing it because I thought that from a guy's perspective, maybe it would seem like I was saying: "I can't stand someone who is cheap because I want to be taken on lavish, extravagant, expensive dates" (which is SO not the case with me)....

It's so easy to read things into a dating profile that someone may never have intended.

But anyway....

[FixItSoon]

I hear your pain! I've noticed the same thing, but from the opposite side of the fence. I think it may be easier for you to find a trusting guy who would ignore your financial background, than for me to find a woman who would ignore mine. Sorry if that sounds sexist everyone. I've noticed too many women on the web who don't want a financially "unstable" man, which to me means someone in my situation. It doesn't bother me because I'm not interested in someone with a long list of prerequisites anyway. It just shows they have been burned financially or otherwise by a guy in their past, and can't see beyond that anymore.

Personally, I wouldn't mind if a woman I was interested in had filed for bankruptcy. At least you had the strength to face the situation & taken steps to move forward.

[Lajazz947]

Easy answer: Tell them right away.

There is a real difference between financial irresponsibility and bad luck.

I know people who have had both happen to them.

The key is, have you learned from your mistake or misfortune?

If you have then that is a tremendous quality to have and one that I would certainloy view as a plus in a companion.