Hard time with hubby - doesn't support my bk

[Lana]

I have been talking about my bk for almost a year. This is the right decision for me. I know this there's no way around it. He has always thought I should just try to make it work. Truth is I need to make over 100k/year at this point just to be able to pay everyone and I don't - and have no ability to at this time. Just getting attny fees together is a challenge and I haven't paid on unsecured debt for 7 months, and I am ready to let the house go too ( he is not on title or mtg - we just got married)
I have retained an attny and plan to file next month. He is STILL giving me a hard time. He just doesn't get it. It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to manage my debt, IMPOSSIBLE. I know that I did this to myself and I should have made better decisions, BUT I DID NOT. I can't change that now. I have played this mental game with myself for so many months..can I make it work...maybe this ...maybe that...Truth is the ONLY sound decision for me is BK. No matter what I say he's just not getting it and I get no support. It's difficult. Any advice on dealing with an unsupporting bk hubby?

[AngelinaCat]

You have a very difficult situation on your hands. I saw in one of your earlier posts that you and he have been married only a month. Did he not know of your situation before you married? How is he doing with his finances? Did you go through any pre-marriage counseling? My husband and I did before we could marry in my church, and the number one issue throughout all of the session that day was how people deal with their FINANCES. It is MONEY issues, and how they are handled that make or break marriages--not infidelity, or any number of other things, but MONEY.

You and he need to sit down with a professional and have a serious heart to heart talk about this.

A BK can bring a couple closer together, but it can also drive them apart. Unfortunately, there are many members of this forum that have experenced the latter scenario.

You have my very best wishes and sympathy.

[AngelinaCatHub]

It is always better to pull a wagon together. As in, Deuteronomy 22:10 (New International Version)

10 Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.

That being said, it should have been talked out before the knot tied. However, seems he has moved into your world with you owing the bills and owning the house. I can only speak for myself as what I would do if I were he. First, I would listen. Then I would help. Then last, I would support.

Since this situation was wrought before the marriage, and you admit it is your problem, it is your business at this point. He needs to understand that you have lived these stresses and he has not. Explaining to him that you must do what you must do for your own mental health and well being. It is not a pride thing but this is business that will help or destroy your future. Financially it will hurt a bit, but then we all have learned a new way of not making the mistakes we have made before. He must put his pride aside, or cough up the money to fix your problem, like NOW.

I'm sorry, this is difficult for me to figure out a good resolution. The diplomacy is the trick. If the shoe were on the other foot, and he were the one in need of bk, what would you do for him or against him? 'Hub

[Lana]

Well 2 years ago when we met I was still on top of the world. Money flowed freely then and I had a successful business. In fact he looked up to me at that time..I had it all. I helped him fix his credit...cried rivers about paying everyone on time...to keep that great credit....yadi yaaa. Then my world crashed down soon after and here I am today.
I suppose that is why he doesnt see things I do.
I know that he would take care of me financially to the best of his ability if the time came, and I would do the same. I suppose I only have myself to blame for preaching about the importance of meeting financial responsibilities, to then not do so.
BUT STILL - at some point can't you accept your SO's shortcomings and at least give them the support along the way, whether you agree or not?
I know I would...and have..in other situations.

[justplaintired]

You sound like you have accepted your circumstances, good for you. Have you sat him down and showed him income versus debt? Show him exactly what it would require in income to meet all the bills. If he knows a way to make that happen, let him have at it. If not then perhaps this will show him BK is the best choice for you. I know it's hard to both be on the same page at the same time. I accepted our situation first, dh followed slowly behind me. But now we are both together on most things financially. Of course there are times we still disagree on money, that will always be there, but we both have accepted that BK was our best choice and both agree, it's going to be a better life now.

Don't beat yourself up for trying to teach him good financial responsibility.

Sometimes I think worrying so much about our credit score dug us further and further into a hole, never be late on anything and in the process you have to charge cause every dime you make goes to pay all those bills and the bills keep getting bigger and bigger, but the credit score has to stay high, so pay first, then charge to survive.

[klandsb]

My boyfriend is totally against me filing bk.. Of course he says I can work out deals with the credit card companies...I tell him "go for it". To be honest " I AM TIRED" of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yea, I make a decent living now but it wasnt always that way and being a single mom and having to take care of everything is overwhelming at times. Sure I was unresponsible with my credit cards but I am kinda ticked at them for giving me all that money. Put it in front of my face & well, I used it... Then the kids got older child support ran out and here I am.... I just want it over... I tried the " get the debt monkey off your back" thing which was a huge mistake and I might as well just threw my money out the car window.. So here I am, havent told him I retained a lawyer yet because I just dont want to hear what a big mistake it is and how there has to be another way out... The only thing that scares me is sometimes I get tunnel vision and once I decide to do something thats it.. I just hope in the end I am making the right decision and in 5 yrs I will look back & say yes it was...

[nc73]

If any of you are filing jointly you need the support from your SO, and if he doesn't support you divorce his ass. If you are filing on your own, who cares what he/she thinks? Just ignore them.

[Flamingo]

Well 2 years ago when we met I was still on top of the world. Money flowed freely then and I had a successful business. In fact he looked up to me at that time..I had it all. I helped him fix his credit...cried rivers about paying everyone on time...to keep that great credit....yadi yaaa. Then my world crashed down soon after and here I am today.
I suppose that is why he doesnt see things I do.
I know that he would take care of me financially to the best of his ability if the time came, and I would do the same. I suppose I only have myself to blame for preaching about the importance of meeting financial responsibilities, to then not do so.
BUT STILL - at some point can't you accept your SO's shortcomings and at least give them the support along the way, whether you agree or not?
I know I would...and have..in other situations.

You just basically said what the problem is...your new hubby is afraid of the gravy train going dry and does not know how to cope otherwise. Review your medical coverage (or his, whoever has it, if any) and see what is covered for counseling services; unfortunately, in a situation such as this, unless you two learn to work together sooner or later your relationship is toast. Looking for reasons and excuses for your hubby, and also yourself, will not get you anywhere - you know what the problem is and need professional counseling to hopefully fully resolve it. Best of luck to you both and I hope you all get through this...

[67caprice427]

Only you know what's best for your situation.Continually stressing about this will not help either one of you.Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I do remember part of the vows were: for richer or poorer........ You helped him, and now he's "denying" your need of assistance by not supporting you. These are stressful enough times and having storm clouds over your honeymoon period is terrible. I too, suggest a sit down with a counselor. Best of luck, and you'll always have support here, along with plenty of advice and opinions:-)

[AngelinaCatHub]

If any of you are filing jointly you need the support from your SO, and if he doesn't support you divorce his ass. If you are filing on your own, who cares what he/she thinks? Just ignore them.

LOL. Nothing like being to the point.


Lana: The Mrs. and I had 266 acres of family farm, 22 wooded acres on the St. Johns river 1 1/2 mile across at our dock. Our credit score was 820. I believe 850 is the highest.

We had near a mil in the retirements and other accounts. By my poor judgment I got into a spitting contest with another multi millionaire crack-pot and Court of 8 years, loss of three great jobs and my consulting business and the money went to lawyer, then COBRA then a case of the big C for me and operations without insurances. It came down to loss of all in two years time. We donated the land long ago as we did not wish to see it developed except into park land which it is. We have life estate on it so it is not gone but we cannot sell on spoonful of dirt from it. So, we had a Chapter 7. It does no take long to get ruined. Mrs. and I stuck it out, worked out that what we lost are only things and things don't matter. We are happier now than ever, and living a far different life than before and loving it. We put into practice a frugal life much simpler. I have never checked my credit since the C7 as I never intend on using it. I owe no person.

Yes it is different than what it was when we had money. We are happier that is the BIG difference. Explain that to SO. 'Hub

[AngelinaCatHub]

Lana: Check out this similar thread. It relates to others like problems.

http://www.bkforum.com/showthread.php?t=43958

[frogger]

He either needs to deal with it and support you, or you need to deal with it without him. Life's too short for this...

[iwannawon]

I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice at this point but I think I understand. I always had good credit and my wife didn't pay anything during college. She worked on her credit before we bought our house and now hers is better than mine. I've always had debt because my parents didn't have much. Originally, I thought I could transfer her debt to my name and tackle this myself. I just recently suggested filing jointly. She hasn't opposed but hasn't really asked any questions either. I've met w/ the attornys myself. Not sure it's sunk in w/ her yet. But we were having problems before.

We're in counseling now. Not sure it's doing any good since I still choose to sleep on the couch and switch before the kids wake up. I can't help w/ someone who doesn't understand but I can say I think I understand. Life is complicated. We're all in denial at some point. I'd try counseling and see if it works for you. I hope it does.

Money is such a trivial thing for seemingly being so necessary. When I first saw her and first decided I wanted to get to know her more, I didn't care about how much money either one of us had. I don't know how to recreate that initial 'spark' but people who truly want it can find it. At least, I hope.