Marriage struggling during BK?

[killinstinct]

It has been hard. My wife and I are just into our second year of marriage, but we went through hellish divorces/custody battles (primary reason for BK now). We both fought uphill battles for years to try and keep on top of bills. However, once the real estate market tanked that was kind of the last straw. Our one asset we were killing ourselves over was now worthless. Made us realize what is really important in life (health, family, kids, memories, etc.)

Since filing life has become SO much better. Now we plan for the future, and consider ourselves fortunate to have the things we have (job, place to stay, etc.) It is VERY important to keep communicating, and make sure you keep having DATE nights (even if it's just a cheapo movie night or a walk by the river). Oh, and massages don't cost much either. Just a little effort.

I think we'll come out stronger than ever. It's just too bad this happened so quickly after finding the love of my life. Life can be so unpredictable, but you have to learn to roll with it!

[bulletproof77]

Unfortunately, my 23 year marriage did not survive our bankruptcy and subsequent foreclosure. My former wife cannot deal with "change" or any sort of pressure. She is a government employee who lives in a bubble and never had to deal with the "real world"..After I was laid off after many years at the same job all I got was "Well what are YOU going to do NOW ?"...No support, no anything. Taking a series of low wage jobs to support us and working all hours of the day or night and then throw in her continued spending (come on do you really need the $100 hair do's ?) and utter lack of support had HER looking for "greener grass" and ME just wanting away from this clueless harpy. So, it happens and in the end I'll be better off. If you are having stress in your marriage over money or anything, realize it for what it is and don't stop talking to each other. It's just a house, just a car etc...Things can be replaced, but if one of you values "things" over the other person, then you have some real issues. Hope things work out for all of you.

[killinstinct]

I'm so sorry to hear about that bulletproof. Sounds like there were other issues aside from the BK though. My wife and I definitely have our conflict over money priorities, etc., but I'm optimistic we'll get through this. As you said, it's just 'stuff'. At the same time, it's hard to see all this 'stuff' you worked so hard for get torn away.

[adviceplease]

Wow bulletproof I am really sorry to hear that. This whole BK thing is stressing me out but hubby and I have been through way worse than this. My hubby was on disability for 2 years and only recieved half his income and I had to work 15 hours a day to even pay some of the bills.

I would do it again if I could but I am no longer at the job and with the economy being so bad there is no overtime or even work to be found. We had to use our credit cards to survive and it helped us into the mess we are in now but I would never let anything come between us.

[momisery]

Sorry to hear it bulletproof. But honestly I have been the nagging wife from time to time too. I was angry because we spent the money I had saved my WHOLE life in about 9 years. He was in the car business and they are a revolving door. We fought over the fact that he told me he had a stable income, but he really didn't. Then we fought over his desire to spend too much, like being a golf club member etc.. stupid stuff. Finally he has stopped with having to be a country club golfer because he was working so many hours. Then the other shoe dropped of course, he was laid off again and again after our move to MO. I did not want to move to MO, I wanted to move back out west closer to family, so we fought about that. Recently I caught him sneaking cigarettes and now he has emphsymea to boot. I feel, lied to of course and then the stress of the bills. I have never been late let alone face a BK and I am 60. I do blame him. But, I am trying to see that I am not so perfect after all I guess. I don't know if we will make it or not, but until the BK is over with and until he is better off in a job I can not simply ditch him. I love him, but I hate him... and I am sure he feels the same with the fighting. But honestly I have put all the paperwork together. I have to remind him to transfer his money from unemployment to our account, remind him of his doctors appointments and remind him to find out what the total amount of the bills are for his DR before we go to the atty today. I feel like I took on a child, and he thinks I nag. So, you can see that turns into a fight. I go over the finances of what will be left in the end, and he is tired of that. All he wants to do is watch TV and of course has to have Direct TV the middle grade up. We simply can not afford it, but it is in his name..... I am hoping the atty today will be able to help with showing him that he can not "have" just because he "wants"... or maybe he will tell me to shut up. Either way, I am looking for someone to direct me here as I am not sure if I am right or left.. ha ha. I hope we can rebuild our relationship... but at times I have to admit I blame him.

[OhioFiler]

Sorry to hear it bulletproof. But honestly I have been the nagging wife from time to time too. I was angry because we spent the money I had saved my WHOLE life in about 9 years. He was in the car business and they are a revolving door. We fought over the fact that he told me he had a stable income, but he really didn't. Then we fought over his desire to spend too much, like being a golf club member etc.. stupid stuff. Finally he has stopped with having to be a country club golfer because he was working so many hours. Then the other shoe dropped of course, he was laid off again and again after our move to MO. I did not want to move to MO, I wanted to move back out west closer to family, so we fought about that. Recently I caught him sneaking cigarettes and now he has emphsymea to boot. I feel, lied to of course and then the stress of the bills. I have never been late let alone face a BK and I am 60. I do blame him. But, I am trying to see that I am not so perfect after all I guess. I don't know if we will make it or not, but until the BK is over with and until he is better off in a job I can not simply ditch him. I love him, but I hate him... and I am sure he feels the same with the fighting. But honestly I have put all the paperwork together. I have to remind him to transfer his money from unemployment to our account, remind him of his doctors appointments and remind him to find out what the total amount of the bills are for his DR before we go to the atty today. I feel like I took on a child, and he thinks I nag. So, you can see that turns into a fight. I go over the finances of what will be left in the end, and he is tired of that. All he wants to do is watch TV and of course has to have Direct TV the middle grade up. We simply can not afford it, but it is in his name..... I am hoping the atty today will be able to help with showing him that he can not "have" just because he "wants"... or maybe he will tell me to shut up. Either way, I am looking for someone to direct me here as I am not sure if I am right or left.. ha ha. I hope we can rebuild our relationship... but at times I have to admit I blame him.

First my sympathies for your situation.

Your husband never grew up. He was once cared for by his mother and now he is cared for by you. This will probably not change at this stage of his life.

You are an enabler. You have allowed him to be the child, not husband to you in this marriage. It is time you took the initiative to change this relationship or accept it.

You are not alone. There are many marriages similar to yours. It's often difficult to recognize the real problems in a relationship when you are mired in the problem. Seek counseling if you can. It will help you see the issues more clearly and aid in your decisions about how to move forward.

[bulletproof77]

Hi, thanks for all the kind input,Yes, I suppose there were some other issues, perhaps her little "office affairs" with the other clueless government employees she works with had something to do with it. At the end of the day though, either both parties remain committed to the relationship or it fails. In my case, it was like trying to pull a loaded cement truck uphill with a rope and I just got tired of being the only one trying to save the relationship. Actually, after the BK and giving the house back and finally moving to something I can afford is pretty liberating. The only thing that makes me still a little sad is that as I approach my retirement years it makes me wonder "what now" ? On the other hand, coming home to an empty house is still a lot better than coming "home" to a place filled with tension and always wondering "Am I good enough today ?"....

[OhioFiler]

Hi, thanks for all the kind input,Yes, I suppose there were some other issues, perhaps her little "office affairs" with the other clueless government employees she works with had something to do with it. At the end of the day though, either both parties remain committed to the relationship or it fails. In my case, it was like trying to pull a loaded cement truck uphill with a rope and I just got tired of being the only one trying to save the relationship. Actually, after the BK and giving the house back and finally moving to something I can afford is pretty liberating. The only thing that makes me still a little sad is that as I approach my retirement years it makes me wonder "what now" ? On the other hand, coming home to an empty house is still a lot better than coming "home" to a place filled with tension and always wondering "Am I good enough today ?"....

You'll meet the right one before you know it. Don't try too hard and she'll show up. She always does!

[UpToMyNeck]

It makes me sad to see that couples are being pulled apart due to finances. Belive me, I know how stressfull it can be. Hubby and I have been married 30years. I met my husband when I was 13 years old and have been in love with him ever since. We are filing in October and looking forward to downsizing. We're giving up our house but keep reminding each other that it's all material. I hope that those of you struggling now can look forward to a fresh start.

[curmudgeon]

Although I had posted earlier about how my husband and I have been pulling together since starting down the road to BK, things are getting a little strained lately. I just now gave away a couch and two armchairs that were given to me (which we have always done) and now he is furious because I didn't try to sell them first. Honestly, it didn't even dawn on me to try and sell them because they are an office set that most people wouldn't want anyway. So I gave them away and was happy to find someone who wanted them very badly, but now I am in the doghouse with hubby. I know he is stressed out anyway because today is our son's birthday and we are flat broke. We usually do really big parties and I think this is hard for him to swallow that we have fallen so far since last year. This is such a hard thing for marriages and families in general. My sympathy goes out to everyone struggling through BK and trying to keep their chin up in the meantime. Husbands and wives--pull together and don't let this drive a huge wedge between you!

[iwannawon]

I'm so glad I found this forum. OP, not to be a broken record but 'you're not alone'. We're in counseling and while I thought we were 'fixing' things, i'm still sleeping on the couch. I have 'faith' that people are capable of being stronger than this and it's possible to get better. I don't have much 'proof' yet but I don't mean that to sound pessimistic. We haven't even filed yet. Once we stop the cc's I'm not sure what to expect. I'm still holding on to the idea of keeping the house we built. I believe in the therapy. I never thought I would. If ever, it seems 'too much' and you aren't, try it.

[cleanslate01]

My husband and I always joke that in the almost 3 years we have been married, we have definitely put our marriage to the test! We met while we were both going through a divorce so we know what's that like. We KNOW we have something good.

Within 3 years, we got married, had 2 children 12 months apart, lived hundreds of miles away from any family so did everything on our own. We lost our house. I quit my job to be a SAHM so we adapted to living on 40% of our previous income. We got him back on the wagon and he no longer drinks. We picked up with 3 weeks notice and moved halfway across the country for his job. We are filing for BK. We can easily snap at each other and we sometimes do. But I think this is bringing us closer. I know it sounds corny but with little help from family and very few friends, we adopted this romantic "us against the world" approach. With all the crap thrown at us, I can still look at him and KNOW he's the one. The guy I will grow old with.

[bktmom28]

My husband and I had to let go of our dream. We were married 2 years, and had just purchased our first home. It was everything we had imagined. A little cottage in the city is what it felt like to us. We brought each one of our 3 babies home to it, and it became just like a member of the family. We put so much money and love into it to make it just how we pictured it, and then the slump came. After a refinance with an ARM with the intention of selling in the next few years, we were paying close to 1500/month for a house that we had originally started out with at $700/month. Our home depreciated way below what we owed on it, and I tried to be the good wife and take care of the bills, while not telling him how in the hole we really were. When I finally got the nerve to tell him where we really were at financially, I was heartbroken. How could I have kept this from him? He really was very understanding when I explained that I thought I could carry this burden alone and that I did not want him to have to carry it. We have made it this far and I am so thankful that I have him. We have been doing alot of praying and seeking of the Lord, which is what we should have been doing from the get-go instead of thinking we could do it on our own. We have surrendered our home, no longer in it, and are now renting. I just turned the paperwork and attorneys payment last Friday and now we are just waiting. The burden already feels so light. We feel like this is our chance to start over. Our kids are still young enough that they are not really aware of all that is going on, so I am very thankful for that. I have learned truly to hide nothing from my husband. This has taught us both SO MUCH!

[Michigan1951]

This sounds like me with my husband right now. I comb Pacer about 2x a day and worry all the time about the what if's (with objections, or being thrown into a C13, maybe). I went back on Zoloft last night to help me calm down. We are seniors (58/64) and scared to death. IF we get through this, I am going to make both of us work the budget together all the time from here on out, and then he will know where the $$ is going all the time this time out as well. Also, an emergency fund will be started and made utmost in the budget too. Our 341 is 10/14 @3pm. So worried. With being in a C7 right now with no assets, we are hoping to keep the house, 2 cars, and 5th wheel trailer that is parked downstate as our second residence. Who knows? We have 53k in CC debt as well with a mortgage and a 2nd mortgage that we are current with too.
Husband had a disability that caused most of this, but the economy and job loss more than once since 2004 really got this thing to where it is at today.
Thanks for sharing your fears and how your husband is sick of hearing it. But, it is not a joke to me for sure...................thank God for Pacer too.