Most Depressing Time In My Life.

[redhead]

Okay, sorry for the rant. And sorry I'm totally new and posting all the time!

I just need to talk to someone.

So, I stopped paying all my cc's and bills a few years ago. I had just graduated from college, broken up with my boyfriend, lost a job... I basically spent the next six months in my therapist's office, and when I wasn't there, I was on the couch, snorting drugs, crying, and knitting.

Fast forward three years: I 'graduated' from therapy, have been in a great relationship for awhile, had a great job and will someday have another... and now I'm finally ready to deal with the mess I created for myself.

But.

I have no one to talk to about this. The only explanation I can find is that it's so important to me to seem successful (that bad time I described was very public) and pulled together that I don't want to admit to anyone-- even the people who love me-- that there's one more thing I need to clear up.

I can't tell my mom because she'll be disappointed. I tried to talk to her about it when the problem first came up, and she was livid. I know where she's coming from, too-- when I was growing up, we went from having a huge house in one of the best neighborhoods in our city... to not being able to eat. We were so poor we got our clothes out of the garbage. But she still managed to pay down a $20k credit card debt that she probably racked up at the divorce attorney's. I'm so, so proud of her. But I'm way past the point I could pay anything off.

I can't tell my boyfriend because... well, because I don't want him to judge me. He's the most responsible person I've ever met. His student loans are paid off, as is his condo. And here's the thing-- I don't know how it came up, but he said, "Only stupid people get themselves into credit card debt." I know he was overstating his terms, and he would probably be nothing but supportive if I told him about my problem, but I just don't want to have that conversation.

I just feel really alone. I know I'll get through this, but the next few months are going to be so... isolated.

[pcn]

FWIW, if you believe this is a long term relationship, and you want this relationship to last, I think you want to talk to your boyfriend about your situation. So many relationships fail after they are established due to financial issues, I would want mine established on mutual trust. I hope that my own relationship has enough strength developed through trust and love to withstand the current rough time, and that we come out even stronger because we did it together. This is something pretty significant to hide, and realistically, can it be hidden for the 7-10 years that it will take to disappear?

[Flamingo]

I gather from your posting you stopped paying your bills 3 years ago (i.e. "fast forward three years."). What has been going on during that three year interim? Did your spending continue? Did you create more debt? Do you have judgments against you? I fully understand the point of your posting but you don't mention what you have to clear up as to the "mess." During that time, you apparently hid all this from your new boyfriend due to your embarrassment. You need to do a few major things:

1. Come clean with your boyfriend about your "mess," thoughts and fears. If he judges you for opening up and being honest with him and is not supportive, maybe he's not the guy.
2. Look up a Debtor's Anonymous group in your area - you are not alone in the way you feel and whether or not you know it, there are folks out there way worse off than you are right now worrying about hiding things as to their debt, spending, etc.
3. Are you investigating filing BK? If you are serious about this new boyfriend, he should be involved in all this if you will have any sort of future together. He may be good for you as it appears he is financially stable and could guide you through this and help you with finances over the years to come. It's time to have that "talk."

Best of luck to you and please post more on your issues. There are lots of folks in here that can give you some guidance, a pat on the back when you need one and also have been through it before themselves in the same or similar ways.

[LuciluS]

redhead:

If you made it through Drug Rehab and are Completely Clean (Drug-Free) for over a year, You can make it through your Financial Mess. Cleaning up a financial mess is 'Beans' compared to being Drug Free for at least a year.

I'm in agreement with the other posters. Set aside a specific night/day where you and your BF will have at least 2-4 hours of time together without any interference. Unplug the phone. And as they say 'Let Loose'.

If your BF truly loves You, he will be there to help you. Sometimes, Men tend to take longer (sorry guys, just my opinions of many men in my life) to 'digest' new happenings. If that is the case with your BF, point blank ask him how much time he needs. What date he gives you....time for another long talk.

People make flippant comments all the time, until one of those comments, affects that person's life. Gee, we are humans and all say things, at some time in our lives, we regret.

So Proud You Being Drug Free! That is very dear and near to my heart as I lost a nephew who OD on drugs at the age of 30.

Luci

[tinfoilhat]

I've been thinking through my situation, the next girlfriend I meet I'm going to have to ask her financial status, and her views on credit card use.

Seriously, if I get myself straightened out I don't want to walk right back in this situation again ever.

So to respond to the op's concerns. A hard drug user in debt (how did you fund the stuff you were snorting? )
Tell me that several months after we get together it's damn sure going to be a problem.

[AngelinaCatHub]

Okay, sorry for the rant. And sorry I'm totally new and posting all the time! We all were new once and have all been in pain.

I just need to talk to someone. You have found willing ears.

So, I stopped paying all my cc's and bills a few years ago. I had just graduated from college, broken up with my boyfriend, lost a job... I basically spent the next six months in my therapist's office, and when I wasn't there, I was on the couch, snorting drugs, crying, and knitting. Time heals and also gives wisdom to all of us.

Fast forward three years: I 'graduated' from therapy, have been in a great relationship for awhile, had a great job and will someday have another... and now I'm finally ready to deal with the mess I created for myself. Very wise and learned well. Now carry through.

But. "But" is a cop-out.

I have no one to talk to about this. You have us, many hundreds who not only understand, have been there before you. The only explanation I can find is that it's so important to me to seem successful (that bad time I described was very public) and pulled together that I don't want to admit to anyone-- even the people who love me-- that there's one more thing I need to clear up. You have made the first step to success, admission of fault. First of all, "to thine own self, be true". Don't worry what others think. Your healing has started and do not let anyone take that from you.

I can't tell my mom because she'll be disappointed. That is her problem. You admitted she made a mistake too. After the facts, she loves you and will settle down. Not telling her is a lie you are making to yourself, not her. I tried to talk to her about it when the problem first came up, and she was livid. Can she without guilt cast the first stone at you? I know where she's coming from, too-- when I was growing up, we went from having a huge house in one of the best neighborhoods in our city... to not being able to eat. We were so poor we got our clothes out of the garbage. But she still managed to pay down a $20k credit card debt that she probably racked up at the divorce attorney's. I'm so, so proud of her. Times have changed. We have other problems in our own country. You have admitted you are beyond the recovering (as your Mother was able to do), so forget about that. You have made a successful start now and don't allow her to take that away from you. She will get over it, or you may be surprised, and a Mother will always love her babies. But I'm way past the point I could pay anything off. So? Bankruptcy is intended by Congress to give a person a "new start" in life. You are talking to many failures who have turned themselves around. I was a multi-millionaire in land and monies. I am now living on Social Security. I am happy, found what real wealth is, and it is not money or social standing. It is peace. Strive for that.

I can't tell my boyfriend because... well, because I don't want him to judge me. He has already judged you or he would not be your boyfriend now. If he condemns you, now that is a different story, and there are many fish in the sea. He would not be worthy of you and the quality of your heart. He's the most responsible person I've ever met. His student loans are paid off, as is his condo. Good, you chose wisely and he can help you stay on the fiscal road. And here's the thing-- I don't know how it came up, but he said, "Only stupid people get themselves into credit card debt." Yes, and I've said stupid things before then Karma came back and bit me in the a$$ for my remark. I know he was overstating his terms, and he would probably be nothing but supportive if I told him about my problem, but I just don't want to have that conversation. If you know he will be supportive, but then you are in fear of talking to him about a problem, you are either lying to yourself, or you will be lying to him by omission.

I just feel really alone. I know I'll get through this, but the next few months are going to be so... isolated. Keep that opinion, and then you will make it happen. I don't know you, but I respect you for your succinct post. You have made multitude of anonymous 'friends' here and now. Now go out and confess to those who really count. Get it behind you, and you will be surprised how relieved you will feel.

I am but one who has told you the same advice but in my own way. Keep checking your thread. Please keep us informed. You are a worthwhile person and well on your way to real success. GBWY 'Hub

[AngelinaCatHub]

I've been thinking through my situation, the next girlfriend I meet I'm going to have to ask her financial status, and her views on credit card use.

Seriously, if I get myself straightened out I don't want to walk right back in this situation again ever.

So to respond to the op's concerns. A hard drug user in debt (how did you fund the stuff you were snorting? )
Tell me that several months after we get together it's damn sure going to be a problem.

'Hat, this is not appropriate to help or aid anyone asking for help. If you 'walked on water' you would not be here either. It is my opinion that your comments were destructive, more to yourself than to the Op. Your suggestion of ill gotten gain for a recovering user is beneath your normally good posting.

[eddiep]

Hi Redhead!

I have been with my husband for 20 years and trust me you have to be honest with your honey. Trust is the basis for any relationship.

As far as your mom goes, I commend her for what she did but... not everybody would choose to go hungry before paying their credit card debt off. It was her choice, this is yours and you get to choose your own path. It sounds like you have turned your life around. She should be proud of you!

[Flowers]

if boyfriend is so fiscally responsible he must have the education and fiscal knowledge to know that BK is a responsible action and that there are ways to make sure you never come back down this road again.

otherwise he is not the fellow for you.

Feel better, and there are many that have been here.

please please tell boyfriend. Surely he is not that perfect to judge you so harshly.

[tinfoilhat]

'Hat, this is not appropriate to help or aid anyone asking for help. If you 'walked on water' you would not be here either. It is my opinion that your comments were destructive, more to yourself than to the Op. Your suggestion of ill gotten gain for a recovering user is beneath your normally good posting.

I'm sorry I can't sugar coat posts, I just said how it would go if it were me. It's not me. I have no sympathy for drug users because every single one I've ever known has fallen back.

I have no one to talk to either, but I have no grand story to fall back on. I'm just in debt and getting effed by everyone.

And guess what just for spite, no one will help me here anymore thanks to me speaking my true feelings in this post.

[tinfoilhat]

That being said, the fact that most people on here don't like me anyway, I'm going to request that my membership here be cancelled or I am permanently banned from this site.

[Nick9075]

Likely her boyfriend will abandon her and not want anything to do with her.

People dont' want to have anything to do with anyone who is unemployed or has a less than perfect financial history.

I am wondering why the OP cannot get a job or a higher paying one or second one to pay off the debt. She is extremely lucky that she wasn't sued by creditors after 'years' of nonpayment. Now she just has to deal with bad credit for 7 years and not being able to get low interest rate credit cards or car loans things which most americans take for granted

$20,000 in credit card debt is not alot. I have over $70,000 and many here have had double that.

[BKOnce]

Her BF probably wonders why ... "Geezee... why she didn't call me other times more often ... but ONLY call me now.. when she is in debt!??""

[BKOnce]

That being said, the fact that most people on here don't like me anyway, I'm going to request that my membership here be cancelled or I am permanently banned from this site.

Not easy way out sir!.. There is no guaranteed "Freedom of Request" granted in all forums.... Once you're member, you're In 4 Life!!

[tinfoilhat]

Likely her boyfriend will abandon her and not want anything to do with her.

People dont' want to have anything to do with anyone who is unemployed or has a less than perfect financial history.
t.

this is not appropriate to help or aid anyone asking for help.

xxxxxxxxxx