Question Is it wrong to feel relief and very hopeful during BK?

[rpg1977]

This is probably wrong of me, but I feel like the BK is a start of something new for me. I feel like ever since I read the first information article about BK and started investigating it, that it was a true answer to my prayers.

Don't get me wrong, I know its not something one should aspire to do. But when you are in over your head and find there is a way out, it makes you feel like you can breathe again!

A little background...my hubby and I never discussed money. I payed the bills, I made the financial decisions. A lot of bad decisions, life changes, and mother in law problems later, we are over 100K in credit card debt. We have a house, paid off our cars...never late on a payment..ever. Only the bigger those balances got, the more I borrowed from one cc to pay another. Snowball after snowball. I wouldnt tell my hubby because I was afraid he would be furious, afraid he would be disappointed in me.

Ever since I realized that I couldnt go on doing what I was doing, I put a stop to it. Sat down with my hubby, told him our situation and told him we need to file BK 13. I told him it would be hard, we would be on a strict budget and then I braced myself.

He was upset for a day...but not at me. Mostly at himself for not taking a more active roll in our financial decisions. Also at his mom for being irresponsible with her money and guilting us into paying her bills monthly. (he is an only child and tends to think we are responsible for her...but now realizes she is responsible for herself).

Now, its like a whole new life. We discuss our money DAILY. We went for a consult with the lawyer together. We retained that lawyer and will file on July 14. We talked about how we were going to save CASH for things and we cut up our credit cards together. We are closer than ever. I feel like finally there are NO secrets between us now.

When I did our debt reduction plan before I considered BK, it said it would take 10 years if we put all our disposable income to debt and that is only if the interest rates didnt change. Now with BK, all our disposable with go to our plan, but it will be gone in 5 years.

Sometimes it takes something bad to make your re-evaluate your life and relationships. It WILL be a hard 5 years, but nothing we can't handle.

Again, Im not thrilled we are filing bankruptcy. But I dont feel the shame or horror that I thought I would feel.

Thanks for listening and for all your great advice! Im sure there will be bumps in the road along the way, but at least my hubby and I are on the same page and can deal with them together instead of me laying in bed at night with that HUGE 100K problem to deal with by myself.

[95kindebt]

I am so glad you posted this!! Our situations are almost identical. I felt like you were me writing your story!!!

Yes, we too are over 100k in credit card debt becasue I wouls rob peter to pay paul etc. Then when it all came to a head, and we decided ch 13 is the best solution to get out of this mess.

We too, have never been late on a payment (up until this month) but it was totally a fraud. I feel horribly that I in part- is now going to destory my husbands good credit score. But I keep telling him that his credit score is not who he is. It's not he sole thing that defines him. If this saves our marriage, we will have done our children a great service.

Thanks for sharing I too, feel like this is an answer to a prayer. I only wish we would have investigated it about 2 years ago.

[JRScott]

Sounds like things are looking up and no its not wrong.

You also learned a valuable lesson, both partners must be fully advised and involved with finances and budgeting or it doesn't work.

[f86sabjf]

Boy this seems to be a real common theme. This was our exact situation also. I too felt guilty for not helping my wife. I always handed her the check and let her pay the mess. Now we are starting our lives over so to speak and we are both sleeping better.

[keepmine]

The pupose of a bk is a fresh start. Nothing wrong with feeling relief that things will get better.
In 1934, the Supreme Court got it very right with this thought:

One of the primary purposes of the Bankruptcy Act is to 'relieve the honest debtor from the weight of oppressive indebtedness, and permit him to start afresh free from the obligations and responsibilities consequent upon business misfortunes.' Williams v. U.S. Fidelity & Guaranty Co., 236 U.S. 549, 554 , 555 S., 35 S.Ct. 289, 290. This purpose of the act has been again and again emphasized by the courts as being of public as well as private interest, in that it gives to the honest but unfortunate debtor who surrenders for distribution the property which he owns at the time of bankruptcy, a new opportunity in life and a clear field for future effort, unhampered by the pressure and discouragement of pre-existing debt. Stellwagen v. Clum, 245 U.S. 605, 617 , 38 S.Ct. 215; Hanover National Bank v. Moyses, supra; Swarts v. Fourth National Bank (C.C.A.) 117 F. 1, 3; United States v. Hammond (C.C.A.) 104 F. 862, 863; Barton Bros. v. Texas Produce Co. (C.C.A.) 136 F. 355, 357; Hardie v. Swafford Bros. Dry Goods Co. (C.C.A.) 165 F. 588, 591, 20 L.R.A.( N.S.) 785; Gilbert v. [292 U.S. 234, 245] Shouse (C.C.A.) 61 F.(2d) 398. The various provisions of the Bankruptcy Act were adopted in the light of that view and are to be construed when reasonably possible in harmony with it so as to effectuate the general purpose and policy of the act. Local rules subversive of that result cannot be accepted as controlling the action of a federal court.

http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/cgi-bin/getcase.pl?court=US&vol=292&invol=234

[needachance]

Common thread. We made the decision this week after Chase changed our terms and we just realized that it was not ever going to work. We couldn't get out of it on our own. We had medical bills that we put on credit cards thinking we could get it paid off, then DH got laid off. Our marriage has been suffering, our lives have been very bare as we have been working the maximum number of hours we could to bring in money and we never have anything. Haven't used a credit card in 5 years. Just deciding we were done was such a relief. We have never been late either but we have been stressed to the max to do it.

Now we can breathe and sleep! It is wonderful.

[downsized]

I, too, felt GREAT relief when we filed. Like the rest of you, I was the one handling our financial mess alone. Not complaining...I have control issues and wouldn't have liked not constantly knowing what was what with finances and dh doesn't care to do it, so I took it on willingly and gladly. Sadly, I made a huge mess of things and then dh lost his job in March. I cried for a few days and then pulled myself together and brought up BK to dh. He reluctantly agreed. We ended up filing just a few weeks after that. That night was the best nights sleep I had in a LONG time. I no longer feel the huge weight of bill juggling on the shoulders. I had a plan and was organized in our bill paying but the list was long. Now, all we have is the basic home, one car, utilities, and insurance. The list is short and I can pay it all stress free now. Like the OP said....we never aspired for this outcome, but it's absolutely been the best financial decision we've made in a very long time and it's been a huge relief in our lives. We're still a bit nervous about how dh will find a job post BK and it's a bit scary to know we're one broken appliance or leaky roof away from wishing we had the use of a credit card, but the benefits have far outweighed the risks for us. We're happier than we've been in a long time even with dh jobless. We're completely cash only and it's been a surprisingly easy transition. We're loving our post filing life. Still waiting on discharge, but life is good.

[Runnin on empty]

The BK laws are on the books for a reason. It is a fresh start. We also felt as though a huge weight was lifted off our shoulders when we finally made the decision to go through with it. Our only regret was not doing it sooner, we only made things worse for a few years by thinking we could get out of it on our own, but by then it was already way too late.

Chalk it up to life experience, learn from it and move on. In a lot of ways, the lending institutions and other companies are finally reaping what they've sowed for many years. They've had no compunction at all about giving people easy access to credit that they had no business doing, charging insane fees and percentage rates, all the while, "Joe/Jane Everyperson" slaved away simply to make the minimum payments.

Does America as a whole need to get away from its vicious consumer culture? Heck yeah! Did the CC companies and banks push it along and are now getting what they deserve? Heck yeah!

[2manybills]

I'm so glad that I'm not alone in these feelings! Thanks to everyone for sharing. I have always taken on the lead in handling our finances and over the last four years as things got worse at my DH's job, I just kept juggling $$ around trying to make it work. Finally in April my DH got sick and we realized that the stress was eating at both of us. Even though I kept telling him it would be okay, I guess after 20 years of marriage he could tell by the look on my face every time I paid bills. We've really opened up a new space in our marriage about sharing and not holding on to things. It just created resentment between us.

I've been in the legal field for or 35 years and a dear friend of mine became a BK attorney here in So. Cal. over 20 years ago. He is walking us through this and we will be filing tomorrow. Almost afraid to be this relieved. There was an article in the LA Times on Sunday that said BK filings were up 75% since January in So. Cal., so I guess we're not alone.

[ndcm]

I'm so glad you posted this...it seemed like it was a post I could have put up. I too handled all the finances, I knew the ins and outs, I new how to juggle everything to make things work and make ends meet. Then it caught up to me and when I told my hubby we were in trouble he couldn't believe we were that deep. He was completely in the dark about everything and he knew we didn't have much money but he didn't know it was THAT bad. Now that everything is out in the open and we're on our way to filing I do know what you mean about being able to breathe. For awhile I had so much guilt because it was money that I spent that I truly owe but there is just no way to pay up. I had to get over it and tell myself "what a way to learn a valuable lesson". I don't think there should be any guilt in feeling relieved or seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I think if there was some sort of fraud or abuse then that is something different. Most of us are just trying to get our lives in check. Good luck!

[bkinparadise]

It was living beyond my means and using CC as a crutch. All the lies and deception had to stop as I was stressing out and I was feeling guilty. I knew I had to get out of this situation. I came clean with my wife even though I knew there was a chance I could lose my family. I was relieved that even though she was mad as heck she was going to see this situation through with me. No more lies about money and finances. I am relieved that I finally made the move to clear the air with my wife and resolve the problem I created. I am still working on my BK and hoping that before the year is out we will find resolution to the dilemma I created. I find that my relationship with my wife is on the mend and we will find relief soon. Thanks for posting and sharing.

[frogger]

No, it's not wrong. When you get to the feeling of relief and know that you've done the right thing, you're looking at it from the business perspective, just as you should.

Do you think that GM felt "guilt" about bk? How about Chrysler? Any of the others?

No, just as you should not feel guilty. You have a fresh start, just as was intended.

[Jackdog]

I feel the same way as everyone here. I'm the one in charge of all the bills. He listens more now when I discuss our finances something he never did before. He just figured bills are paid power/water/cable have never been shut off life is ok. Years of just trying to get by and having just a few dollars or a negative bank account balance at end of month was exhausting. I wish I would of filed years ago back when the business I had failed. Would of saved me a lot of money and stress but I didn't know anything about BK until just recently.

[beachchick]

You got to read this great book that describes these very same feelins and emotions you are all talking about. It's called Bankruptcy, How To Survive and Prsoper, got mine at Amazon.com. It made mre realize just how good a bk can be, not that anyone would deliberately set out to have one. The book talks about people like Larry King andAbraham Lincoln and Henry Ford who have all had bk's and it gives great insight into debt settlement, consolidation and management companies and how they usually do you no good at all. It dispels many myths that so many people continue to believe about bk. Book really helped me a lot, was really down on myself, felt like a worthless human being that probabloy deserved being harrassed and put down by debt collectors. Don't feel that way anymore after reading the book, instead I feel full of hope and empowered, it's really weird but it's true. I know I got a great life ahead of me and that bk is nowhere near as bad as people are led to believe, actually it is rally not bad at all, instead it is pretty darn good! It is so easy to get caught up in credit card debt, it is a trap and the banks hold all the cards, you can be going along doing your best to repay your debt then the credit card companies rate jack you, just because they can, making it almost impossible to ever pay them off, then you get hit with judgments and liens that never go away unless you pay them, or die first, then they will probably go after your heirs. If the credit card companies weren't so greedy and rig the system to rip off the consumer, far less people would have the need to file for bk.

[CreditCretin]

I am glad I saw this thread. Mine is a similar situation as well. 125K in credit card debt at this point with no clear way out except to declare bankruptcy. I wish I could feel relief, so far I am feeling every other emotion. I am scared, upset, etc. I know how I got here but I don't 'know' how it got this bad. I have been handling the finances for years, but my wife has been fully aware of what's going on. We have been suplementing our income for years with Credit Cards, and now that I am earning an income where we should be fairly comfortable and wouldn't need to supplement for the last few years, I have been feeling like a slave to my credit card debt. I think I will check out that book that beachchick mentions. I need something to help me get out of this guilt and feeling of failure.