Is my marriage going to survive BK?

[mynextlife]

I am new to the forum and have been reading lots of posts. We are currently filing for BK CH 7. Waiting on atty to prepare petition. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have been through A LOT together, however, latley, the decision to file has really strained our relationship. We don't really fight...we just shut down. The stress is keeping him up at night and migraines are starting to become more frequent. I cry at the drop of a dime. Please share with me any of your ideas/sugesstions to help us get through this and come out on the other side still married. Thanks for any input.

[95kindebt]

i JUST WANT TO OFFER HUGS. i KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. (sorry caps were on) my husband and I have had a lot of stress due to the credit debts, mostly incurred by me. So last night when I approached him about filing, he said "it's about time you realized the scope of the situation."
I am hoping that the BK will make us closer, and once we are in a plan, that we can move on to repair our marriage.
Good luck to you.

[JRScott]

Sounds like you need a date night.

Need to go out to the movies together or just out to eat or a walk in the park according to what you can afford. Something to take you out of the pain for a bit and enjoy each others company like you did when you dated.

However shutting up is the worst thing, you need to have communication. Once you are actually filed some of the weight will lift. That will help a lot. Try not to just talk about the finances and bankruptcy upcoming. Drag out the old photo albums and share stories and memories of the past, make sure you celebrate the good times, remember for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health....

It takes work and many marriages end because of financial problems but you can save yours with a bit of work. If you've not been praying, start praying together as a family. Reading the scriptures (of whatever denomination you are) can also bring comfort to the spirit.

[dingdong]

Stick with it. I am not married, but I can tell you that once the BK is filed and relief found you will probably forget what you where fighting about.

They say financial strain is one of the leading causes of divorce. Once you have the debt relief from filing, things will settle down and you will remember why ya loved the weenie. ( Just kidding)

Just remind him things will get much better after filing and to try not to stress about it and to think about the time after you have filed and you are debt free. Focus on the future, not the past that brought you where you are, learn your lessons on budgeting and living a debt hampered life and you are going to be ok.

There is life after BK, it just doesn't include needless toys and junk, and you save and pay for things you need, not want.

[frogger]

It will survive if both of you want it to. My wife and I have not filed yet, but are getting everything together. It was a little rough on both of us when we were discussing it, but once we came to the decision (together) that it was the thing to do, we are growing stronger together day by day.

Best of luck to you.

[LuciluS]

Our journey towards BK began last September upon obtaining a BK Attorney and will be filing Chapter 7 in 9/09. Major bills have and continue to be Medical. DH and I are walking Medical Patients..no joke.

As I am the one who has paid the bills throughout our marriage; it's a given, I shoulder the responsibility in preparation for our BK. I make a list of questions for hubby and ask him every two weeks. He is aware he will be required to review our BK papers before signing & attend the 341 hearing.

Also, a visit to your local doctor might help. When told Dh needed major bypass surgery in 1/07 & Surgeon stated 5 - 7 bypass surgery, we both went to our local doctor. We were given RXs for a small dose of an anti-anxiety pill. Counseling may help as GrdnDelite suggested. You might want to read your medical insurance policy as Dh's insurance pays 50% of each visit.

I like some of the ideas JR stated. Now, if I knew which box of the 15 stored in our garage unpacked, I would drag out our photo albums. We have a an Agreement: We never go to bed mad at each other & always remember to say 'I Love You' each morning and night.

Might be a good idea to print these suggestions in a day or two and sit down with hubby. Hand them to him, tell him you 'love him with all your heart and soul' and thought possibly getting ideas from others, in the same Cruise Liner (gotta have dreams!) would help.

I'm sure in your 16 yrs. of marriage there have been other trials & tribulations. However, I must agree filing BK might be at the top. In my situation it comes second. My first is and always will be the ER Doctor telling me this past April my husband's organs were shutting down. By the Grace of _____ (insert your thought) & many Specialists he pulled through.

Heres to You and Yours - ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Luci

[endisnear]

We, like many others, got into our pickle due to DH being out of work for over a year. Using cc's to pay bills and then swapping balances back and forth, etc, and then once they were all tapped borrowing money from family. Once that ran out and still no decent job prospects in sight, I finally told him we were going to have to let the cc's and the house go, that we just couldn't afford to keep robbing peter to pay paul. At first he really didn't want to address the issue, but over time I educated myself thanks to this forum and educated him that its really no that bad. So now that we've filed and will be discharged in a few months, we're both on the same page and doing great. We consider this our "bailout". Dumping $60k worth of cc's, ditching a home that we owe more than double on, and are now expecting our first child in January. Its our new fresh start, and life couldn't be better

[mynextlife]

Thanks to all of you for your responses. Our demise started when I entered into the real estate field in 2002. To make up for the shortfalls, I started using credit cards, then things just got worse and finally last year my builder went under owing me thousands in commissions. We lived on what I had saved up until a few months ago. Now I am working part-time making $41K less that I did last year. We just could not keep up. I feel a tremendous sense of guilt since it was my desire to go into real estate and he supported my thoughout my career. I would not change my decision but it is what it is now and I have to move forward. Who knew the ecomony would end up like this?

This forum has been a godsend and I am thankful for each of you who have responded.

[canusaybroke]

My wife and I are newlyweds (4 years married) ad I have been in the car business for 14 years. We built a house in 2004 had a son Jan 2007 and she quit work Dec 2006 to stay at home with our son....needless to say the car business is tough, we sold our house and downsized and are now filing BK....it is definitley tough but if you think of it as planning your future together it helps. We DONT want to file but we had to, however we have a choice to stay together and the future is brighter than it was 2 months ago....TALK TALK TALK that is the best advice...Good luck....also know you aren't alone in this situation...

[jencz]

One thing I wanted to add to all the great advice already given, is do not be afraid to admit when you need help and seek it. Yes, I am talking about mental health, counseling, etc.

I know a lot of folks in situations like ours feel they can't afford it or are too embarrassed to admit they need help. But really, when you think about it, this is one of the times when you really need to have all the help and support you can get.

When we were going through our BK as well as employment stress, my husband completey shut down on me, to the point where I was even considering divorce. Fortunately, a friend of ours is a psychologist (I know I spelled this wrong, sorry) and was able to help my husband. Turns out the poor guy was having acute anxiety attacks and was probably on the verge of a heart attack. She was able to refer him to a good Dr. who put my husband on medication immediately.

This was over 6 months ago and things have been better between us than they have been in years.

I do not know the deepth of your situation or if this even applies to you, but I do know professional help saved our marriage.

I wish you and your hubby all the best!

[GeorgeDill]

We Survived!!!!

Hi everyone...I'm George. My wife and I just filed bankruptcy about 6 months ago. It was one of the worst times of my life! Guilt, embarrassment, the works. We've only been married for nine years, no children. And you really get to know someone when the going gets tough!!

Turns out, our attorney [URL link and lawyer's name deleted by moderator] also specializes in family law and mediation and had to act as a buffer between us through the entire proceeding.

But now its over and done with, and we're still together and still in love. Sometimes it takes an outsider to listen to fears and stresses...and we didn't have to deal with the stigma of going to marriage counseling!!

I joined this forum to feel better about what I've done and learn some recovery techniques...its a double-edged sword, but I'm glad you're here!!

Take care,

George

[frustrated7]

Hugs to you. Serious financial stress can really create problems in a marriage. I know that, for us, the constant creditor calls, the creditors harassing my parents, the inlaws finding out about our situation and becoming judgmental, plus never having any money to do anything for ourselves...all of this was super tough and put a strain on our marriage. The biggest problem was when we were on separate pages on what we should do about our situation. Once we both agreed and decided on filing BK, things got much better. We filed, the creditors started to leave us alone, the harassment of my parents stopped, and I put my foot down and refused to listen to my inlaws lecture me and judge me (which means I have seriously limited contact with them, creating a whole new set of problems). Don't give up hope. There were a few moments, during the roughest times, when I wasn't sure things were going to ever be okay again. I have a whole new appreciation for when the wedding vows say "for richer or poorer". I also agree with what others have wrote about considering counseling.

Again, hugs to you. This is a really hard time just with dealing with the financial part of everything, to add marriage troubles in makes it even tougher.

[f86sabjf]

I would get some help for you both . The money problems are whats causing this. You need to get past the guilt and other horrible feelings. This is after all just a legal court process granted you by the constition and our founding fathers being the smart people they were. Embrace the freedom you will accuire on the other side and enjoy the rest of your life. You can and will make it.

[liz417]

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel and thanks for starting this thread! Like everyone else who's going through this, our BK has definately put a strain on my marriage. My husband and I have been together 15 years (married 11 ) and had a really good relationship prior to this...before we decide to file BK and right after we made the decision, we would FIGHT ALL THE TIME (our whole 14 years prior to that was pretty peaceful ), he would say things out of anger because we didn't have enough $$ to put gas in the car or purchase something, he would lose his temper (very unlike him) and say things like, "well, we wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for you!" That would set me off (yes, it was my fault, but I felt bad enough and didn't need to be reminded of it!) and then I would say something like, "well, you had the chance to leave...just go!" This happened EVERY weekend...it got old. Finally, as we accepted that we were going to file BK, the stress of everything was a lot less, yes, our budget is still tight, but at least we are getting along better. Financial problems do put a lot of stress on a marriage, but it you work really hard and watch what you say in the heat of anger, you will make it through....
Hang in there and best of luck to you~

[Rick9972]

DW and I have been together for 21 years now. Been good, been bad times and some in between. We generally live by this method now and it works most of the time:

Plan for the Worse of Luck!
Hope for the Best of Luck!
Pray that life lands you somewhere in between the Best and Worse!

If life lands you to one extreme or the other, hold each and repeat this Matra, "This too shall pass!!"

PS: Remember the best of Luck can be even worse than the "Worse of Luck"