How do you deal with the emotional guilt of letting it all go?

[flower04]

so, we have decided to foreclose on our home, walk away. We are about to file a 7 after Dh lost his job last month. We have some great prospects but many involve relocating.

I am feeling really bad and having a really hard time about letting the house go. The house isn't super sentimental (it is just walls to me)...it is that I am a Christian and strong in my faith. I strongly believe that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I don't feel as bad about the BK because it is all cc debt--most of which was accrued from medical bills. Me losing my job (because of medical condition) didnt' allow me to have the extra $ to pay the bills and they started piling up. SO, I can live with that guilt-free. The house is another story.

I'm feeling like I should at least try to do a short-sale and "pay" the consequences of my action. I don't care about what it does to credit. After filing for BK, how much worse can your score get?

The attorney says to live in current home rent free for up to 7-12 months. I feel like this would be taking advantage and in some respects "stealing." We are current on our mortgage but wont be next week. Should I just get over it and not look back or should I plead my case to my attorney and try for a short sale. Any comments would be welcomed...I hope I'm not the only one out there with these feelings.

[DeadManCrawling]

I understand your sentiment, and most here do as well, I am sure.

However, I would not worry too much about things like "honor" and "the right thing" and so on.

Think about it this way:

2 years from now, the bank may or may not have foreclosed. Some on this board have waited this long and even longer.

When that time has passed, and you have done the "right thing" by vacating the property early on, will the bank do the honourable thing and pay the 2 years worth of property taxes, HOA fees and maintenance costs that can be charged to you? I doubt it.

Another point is this: What IS the more honorable thing? To leave the home and move on? Would you truly do that to your neighbors? Allow the home to sit abandoned, possibly become decrepit, or worse (occupied by squatters?) while the bank diddles around about the foreclosure process? In many ways you do the bank a favor by occupying the home, and you certainly do the right thing by the neighbors.

More and more banks are taking longer and longer to get things going, and the main point is that you owe your duty and honor to your family. Live there rent free and take a while to consider those things, save some money, plan well, and do better next time.

BTW I speak from experience. I am in my home for the 7th month now. Not a word from the bank. No notice of default, nothing. They aren't exactly in a hurry here. In the past 9 years I have paid over 500k in interest on this place. I din't feel bad at all. That's a pretty hefty rent payment. You should pull out a statement from the lender and figure out how much interest YOU have paid. Might change your perspective.

good luck to you, you sound like a very nice person, and I wish you all the best on this very hard road.

[Flamingo]

There are times in one's life when no matter what religion you are or what your belief, you do what ya gotta do for yourself and your family and do not worry about what anyone else feels or thinks. I am Roman Catholic with 12 years of Catholic education and no other religion carries as much guilt along with it as being Catholic. Not once did I feel guilty about anything because we seriously had no other choice in order to survive and also we filed a Chapter 13 paying back a good portion of our debts and we worked hard to do so under horrid circumstances of losing 70% or our household income.

We all have choices to make in our lives and we have to ensure we do what is best for us and our family. I don't see how that could be a bad choice and there should be no guilt associated with it.

[flower04]

Thank you so much for your responses. I know that everyone comes on hard times, especially in this weakend economy, and you do have to do what is best for you and your family no matter what your faith or background is. The guilt of it was starting to eat me alive. We have two mortgages which makes a short sale more difficult so foreclosure is the way to go I guess. I just need to take a deep breath.

We don't have an HOA and our prop. taxes are included in our mortgage payment so I don't know how that works.

Yes, we will stay here, save up, keep up the house as if nothing was wrong and keep going. What happens when it's time to leave..do they put a put sign in the yard like "public auction" or what? I'm sort of worried about this sheriff thing.

Thanks again!

[flower04]

Ok, one more question.
If we stay here for another year before we have to vacate, coudl we potentially use the $ we have saved to pay off or at least make a significant dent in our car payment? After you file a 7, does anyone look at that stuff?

[lrprn]

After you file a 7, does anyone look at that stuff?

When you file Ch 7, your bankruptcy estate is set on your filing day. The only thing that your trustee typically watches for after your 341 is over is to see if you receive an inheritance within six months of filing. Financial settlements for accidents, etc. that occurred before filing are also at risk no matter when the settlement comes, although depending on the state, the Ch 7 filer may be able to protect some or all of the settlement with their state exemptions.

Otherwise, you are fairly free from scrutiny unless the trustee suspects you have hidden something from the court that can translate into money for your creditors. Then as far as I'm aware, there's no set limit by law for how far back the local or US trustee can go to try to get that money and distribute it to your creditors.

[moneytrouble]

My house was upside down 30% as I had 2 mortgages, and I still felt guilty. I know I shouldn't, but still. I went through bankruptcy, and now foreclosure all by myself. I even scraped enough money to get movers to move me to my new location, without friends or family knowing. Never spoke with anyone about it, as I left a long term relationship before I filed. I wake up with night sweats over the guilt, especially after being given some money as a down payment toward the home from the relative. I know the relative would never ask for the money back, or even allow me to pay them, but I know they would be extremely disappointed in me, or possibly disown me. Speaking with people from work, they get very upset and vocal when they hear someone walked away from their home. "How can they do that?", "Must be nice to just stop paying your debts, and then get a new home in 3 years. What losers!!", "Those are low life people who just walk away from their home. If they couldn't afford it, why did they buy it". They don't even care to hear what someones situation may have been. Society seems to treat bankrupt people or people who walked away from their homes worse than they do heroin or coke addicts.

[floridian]

actually they dont treat you like drug addicts...

if you were a drug addict, you can write a book about how you turned to drugs because your daddy wouldnt buy you a bunny ...

then you would get an award for giving it up and get hero status and a talk show deal...

unless you got busted, you dont even get a public record for 10 years like a debtor..

[LuciluS]

To flower04 & moneytrouble:


What I've written in Color has been said by many Gurus of this forum. If you can keep this is in the back of your mind & play it over and over:

Filing Bankruptcy Is a Business Decision and One Where You Have to Leave Your(s) Emotions Out Of It.

I know...easier said than done, But it sure has helped me. When I begin to feel like a 'deadbeat', I just repeat the colored words over and over. We started our BK process last Sept. by seeing a Bankruptcy Attorney. Due to addt'l monies and Medical Crisis after another, we will not be filing until Sept. 09.

People who 'putdown' those of us who are having to make this BK decision, losing homes & etc. are Most LIKELY in Deep Debt to the Ears! Ever heard these:

Those who cast the first stone also live in glass houses
It is harder to crack a prejudice than an atom
Until you've walked in my shoes, don't judge me
Don't fret - just roll with the punches

If you realize foreclose on your home or defaulting on a car loan is the only way to get a clean slate; then, that is A Business Decision & must occur.

Being disabled from a car wreck, almost losing my husband in April & the tornado we heard fly over our house this past Friday; I've been dealt with a Stacked Deck & I'm Looking Forward to filing Bankruptcy!

I no longer Care what others think..well except for my DH & church family as they haven't judged us. They've tried to get us to take food from the Food Pantry and also clothing from the Free Clothing Store. We feel there are others in more need and IF (which is not gonna happen) we need the services, we will use them. O & Yea, my furkid. I just love talking to her and watching her head move & ears raise up.

Just Keep On A Rolling.

Luci

[moneytrouble]

actually they dont treat you like drug addicts...

if you were a drug addict, you can write a book about how you turned to drugs because your daddy wouldnt buy you a bunny ...

then you would get an award for giving it up and get hero status and a talk show deal...

unless you got busted, you dont even get a public record for 10 years like a debtor..

I agree 100%!!!

[Kpower]

hello all,

First post but I have been lurking for a while now. I had a lot of guilt over the decision at first. I felt responsible and to some degree I still feel like a failure. My mom was ok with the decision after I explained why we had come to it. My wife just told her Father last weekend and he went off on her about how that is not how he raised her and when you incur a debt you should pay it back. Her mom was not supportive at first because of the damage it does to your credit but after we explained our situation she was more understanding.
I think her dad is finally coming around too.

I recently did a calculation and there is a card I have been paying on for about 5 years that I pay 250 a month to. They raised the limit at one point and we were hurting so we put more on it and the balance never seemed to go down. We would pay it then use it. This started happening to all of our cards. Just that card alone I have paid 15000 dollars to and I still have 13k on there and it is maxed out. Our outstanding credit card debt amounts to 33k right now and over the last 3 years we have paid almost 31000 dollars to the credit card companies and all of our cards are still maxed.

The point is they at least get their money back because they charge interest on the front end and you barely touch the principal with a minimum payment.

Unfortunately one of the cards I owe on that has 13k on it is not in my name and I will have to keep paying it after the BK since it is my moms name. I have to list her but I am going to pay it anyway.

My mother has had that card for 20 years or more and never been late. I have been paying it the last 5 years and have not been late until last month.
After one time of being late they raised the interest rate from 17% to 30%.
When she called them they told her if she paid in a week they would take off the 40 dollar late fee and the 40 dollar overage fee but when we paid it the following week they said there was no note of that promise on her file.

If credit card companies can change the rules in the middle of the game then we should have a recourse to defend ourselves. They calculate the exact amount that you will be able to pay and have just enough to live on after then they give you that amount of credit hoping you max it out and have to pay them for the rest of your lives. They are predators and this is my only means to fight back.

Here is an interesting website with all kinds of financial calculators. One of them happens to be a credit card payoff calculator.

http://www.tcalc.com/credit-card-payoff-calculator.html

sorry for the long post

[hamburgervol]

so, we have decided to foreclose on our home, walk away. We are about to file a 7 after Dh lost his job last month. We have some great prospects but many involve relocating.

I am feeling really bad and having a really hard time about letting the house go. The house isn't super sentimental (it is just walls to me)...it is that I am a Christian and strong in my faith. I strongly believe that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I don't feel as bad about the BK because it is all cc debt--most of which was accrued from medical bills. Me losing my job (because of medical condition) didnt' allow me to have the extra $ to pay the bills and they started piling up. SO, I can live with that guilt-free. The house is another story.

I'm feeling like I should at least try to do a short-sale and "pay" the consequences of my action. I don't care about what it does to credit. After filing for BK, how much worse can your score get?

The attorney says to live in current home rent free for up to 7-12 months. I feel like this would be taking advantage and in some respects "stealing." We are current on our mortgage but wont be next week. Should I just get over it and not look back or should I plead my case to my attorney and try for a short sale. Any comments would be welcomed...I hope I'm not the only one out there with these feelings.

You should then know that the Bible is very explicit about debt...

"At the end of every seven years you shall grant a release of debts. And this is the form of the release: Every creditor who has lent anything to his neighbor shall release it; he shall not require it of his neighbor or his brother, because it is called the LORD's release" (Deuteronomy 15:1-2).

The Bible refers to debt as a type of bondage: "...the borrower is a slave to the lender" (Proverbs 22:7). Thus, the debtor is a slave to the creditor. Interestingly, the Bible declares, at the end of the sixth year:

"...in the seventh year you shall let [your Hebrew slave] go free from you. And when you send him away free from you, you shall not let him go away empty-handed; but you shall supply him liberally from your flock..." (Deuteronomy 15:12-14).

[HHM]

Interesting series of blog posts on this topic

http://askmethner.com/?p=122

http://askmethner.com/?p=485

[Flowers]

I am a good 3 months out of discharge and a good 12 months from when I knew it was going toward BK.

I can finally say I did everything I could to live up to my debts and make things right.
I understand this emption very much.
Plus I am very emotional.
I understand where you are coming from.

There are so many things out of your control. Of coarse you want to pay your debts.
But so many things are out of your control.

Best thing to do, and I did this, is to in your prayers Thanks God you live in a country where everyone, no matter how much you owe or who you are gets a seconds chance. The US has these BK laws to protect everyone both debtors and creditors.

You can walk with your head high, you are doing the right thing.
Light is shining upon you from above.

[BigJohn]

so, we have decided to foreclose on our home, walk away. We are about to file a 7 after Dh lost his job last month. We have some great prospects but many involve relocating.

I am feeling really bad and having a really hard time about letting the house go. The house isn't super sentimental (it is just walls to me)...it is that I am a Christian and strong in my faith. I strongly believe that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I don't feel as bad about the BK because it is all cc debt--most of which was accrued from medical bills. Me losing my job (because of medical condition) didnt' allow me to have the extra $ to pay the bills and they started piling up. SO, I can live with that guilt-free. The house is another story.

I'm feeling like I should at least try to do a short-sale and "pay" the consequences of my action. I don't care about what it does to credit. After filing for BK, how much worse can your score get?

The attorney says to live in current home rent free for up to 7-12 months. I feel like this would be taking advantage and in some respects "stealing." We are current on our mortgage but wont be next week. Should I just get over it and not look back or should I plead my case to my attorney and try for a short sale. Any comments would be welcomed...I hope I'm not the only one out there with these feelings.

Something good just might come out of this.

Back in 1996 I was told by my Doctors that the pain I was experiencing from a fall in 1994 could be eliminated by some operations but I would spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. The next day my wife and her boyfriend made their move to try to steal everything I had, even the roof I was living under. Instantly I became homeless, I had no job, no money, and only had the clothes I was wearing. Sounds really bad, doesn't it? But what some people consider one of the most rotten acts a person can do, actually was a really good thing. I didn't have the operations and I still can walk. Her rotten acts saved my life. In one year since then, I went around the world 12 times. I got remarried and now have a home and business. [b]

Just keep searching for what good might come out all of this, I think you will get an answer.