things just never seem to get better (long)

[frustrated7]

I am so frustrated and just need to vent for a bit to others who understand what we are going through. We filed Chapter 7 BK and were declared no asset (hooray) and are awaiting discharge in July. We don't anticipate any creditor objections. So that is the one thing that is going well right now.

The problem is that we STILL are having so much trouble with just monthly bills. Our mortgages are reasonable, our car is thisclose to being paid off (only two or three more $200 payments to go), and we have cut every possible expense. My husband's work is erratic and the cost of our health insurance is outrageous. I'm unemployed and desperately searching for a job. Our attorney advised us to wait until after the 341 to search for a job, which means I have only been really searching for about three weeks now, but it's so stressful. This is NOT a good time to be looking for a new job. My education counts against me (I have a masters degree, which I received in December) when looking at low paying jobs; I'm not even considered for those positions. But there is so much competition for positions requiring my level of education and the economy is so poor right now that I am having a tough time. I know it's unreasonable to expect that three weeks will have me having a job, but I'm tired of family members asking me how my job search is going and if I have something yet. I really need to work, partly because we really need the money and partly because I am losing my mind with not working. I do volunteer work with a rape crisis center, so that keeps me fresh in my field, helps others, fills in the gap in my resume (and then some, since I have been doing that for 2.5 years), and gives me an awesome reference from the Executive Director there. I had a job interview last week but it was WAY too far to drive every day and was super low paying (almost minimum wage). I have two job interviews next week (fingers crossed) and I pray something will come out of at least one of them.

On top of all the job search and the not being able to pay our monthly bills, our property taxes arrived early this year. Sigh. We don't have $2000 laying around and we don't have any way to get it, so I guess they will have to be late. I just don't see anything else we can do about it. We don't have anything left to sell and we don't have any money. Without me working, we don't have a way to get that much money, and even if I started work tomorrow, we still wouldn't have enough to pay the first installment on time.

In addition to the problems with our finances, I am dealing with both sets of parents making rude and invasive comments and constant lectures. If one more parent (mine or my husbands) makes one more comment about our roof I am going to lose what remains of my civility and scream and curse until they get the picture that I don't want to hear it anymore. WHY on Earth do they keep talking about our roof? We KNOW that our roof needs fixed desperately. Hello, we live here! And we got the message the first 500 times it was "mentioned" to us. They act like we have some secret stash of thousands of dollars laying around somewhere that we are saving for something frivolous. Hell, we can't even pay our mortgage on the due date this month, it's going to be a few days late (though technically still in the grace period). My husband is even donating plasma at a pay center, which I would do too but I can't.

I am also so sick of the lectures and the comments. I know, I know, many on here say that parents always worry about their kids, yada yada yada. That may be so in some circumstances, but our parents are not worrying about us...they are judging us and there is a world of difference. Concern would be fine, but the judgmental comments have got to stop. I have tried to kindly talk to my parents about stopping with the comments and they just keep on going. I have even hung up on my mother when she wouldn't stop, I just abruptly said I had to go and hung up. The next time I talked to her the same thing started up again. It is so bad that I won't even talk to her without someone else there, so she is less likely to make her comments (she doesn't say these things in front of my husband and she tones it down when my dad is there). As for my inlaws, I have not seen them for months now because of all this. I'm supposed to see them tomorrow, and I already told my husband I am DONE with their crap. If they start up, I will leave, and he can get a ride home from them or call me to be picked up when he is ready to leave. ARGH! It is just so frustrating.

Things have been so bad with the lectures that I had pretty serious health problem last year and my doctor insisted I go back to see my cardiologist. My own mother threw a fit that I shouldn't do that because we couldn't afford it, blah blah blah. (We have insurance, and she knows that.) Keep in mind that they only reason they knew we were having financial troubles was because the creditors kept harassing them to try to shame us into paying. I mean, I love my mom and all, but how do you say that a mother loves a daughter when she tries to keep her from seeking necessary medical care to handle potentially serious problems? That still hurts when I think about it. Unfortunately, my health situation caused me to lose my job at the end of last year (and I loved that job too, sniff sniff). I had told my husband that when he told his parents that I lost my job he had better make clear to them that I would not be tolerating hateful comments. He did tell them that, but FIL came to MY house and yelled at me for being so irresponsible and informed me that sick or not, I should have gone to work. Never mind that something was really wrong and I couldn't even stand up. In my own house that man pulled that stunt, while my husband sat silently beside me, unwilling to stand up to his father to defend his wife. That was right before Christmas, right after I had lost my job, and I haven't seen FIL since. When I called my husband on not sticking up for me, he said he thought I could take care of myself. I told him that next time I WILL take care of myself, and I will do it by telling that (words I should not actually put here) that he can get his (more words I shouldn't actually put here) out of my house and never come back! Can you see why I anticipate problems when I have to see him tomorrow?

I'm sorry this was so long and rambling, but I really needed to vent. It helps to have others who understand and who have been in similar situations. I feel much better now. Best wishes to all.

[lrprn]

Having been through my own intense internal family issues, I've discovered that it's very easy for financial problems to slowly erode close family relationships, but worse, the stress that accompanies financial problems also makes it very hard to keep things in perspective too. It's far too easy to slip into "us vs. them" or "me vs. you" positions and get stuck there.

Remember that everyone involved here sounds like they are operating from a position of love. It may not be the love you need or want right now, but your parents and his parents' comments are motivated by wanting the best for you and for your husband.

It's very hard to talk about money problems in our culture - we often want to keep up a good public face, even when things are crashing around us. And throwing in parent/child issues into the mix makes keeping a good perspective on what's happening during financial problems even harder.

Not tonight, but when you can, I suggest both of you sit down with your parents and then with his parents to quietly and respectfully explain how you appreciate their attempts to advise and help, but they aren't helping at the moment. You love them and want to spend time with them, but their comments about your finances are becoming an issue and making you want to stay away. State clearly that discussions of your financial decisions are off-limits unless you two mention them. Do this without blaming and in a reasonable tone of voice - both sets of parents might just surprise you once they realize they truly aren't helping at the moment.

Once you've had the conversation, THEN if any of the parents continue to nag about your finances, then you have every right to leave quietly and say you are leaving with regrets because they've been warned it would happen if they couldn't respect your wishes. Keep leaving every time it happens and the comments will stop, because 99.9% of parents love you both more than life itself and want you two to be a part of their lives. They may not agree with what you've asked, but most parents will accommodate your wishes to not talk about your financial problems with them if they know you don't want it.

Good luck and hang in there. Try to remember everyone here is trying to do their best in a tough situation. I'm glad you were able to vent here about your true feelings - it's so important to have a safe place to do that! It's good to know that we can be here for you that way. Come back and vent here anytime - we're here to listen.

[freefall]

I think that's terrible, Frustrated 7. I think it's terrible that families don't bond during hard times. I don't mean everyone should sink together, but I mean emotional support where money doesn't even come in as a distant concern. My sister is broke, and I'm broke, so we can't give each other money, but we talk and support one another.

Now, there's a lesson: I have other family, but I only talk to my sister. Maybe my sister is my only family. Maybe you and your husband should redefine what your family is.

Good luck to you, girl. I really mean that.

[frustrated7]

Thanks to both of you for your kind, supportive comments. Having a place like this to come to really helps.

My husband and I consider each other and our kitties to be our real family. Other family members may be family, but I am firm in that just being related doesn't mean anything. That's a lesson I learned from watching a huge family wide split when I was kid that lasted 10 years...about, you guessed it, money (inheritance). I haven't seen or spoken to aunts, uncles, cousins in so many years I doubt I would even recognize them if I saw them, and I know for a fact my brother who is younger than I does not recognize any of them.

My husband doesn't get along with his father at all and doesn't even call for any event unless I "force" him to do so. Hubby won't call to wish them a happy birthday, mother's day, father's day, or any other day if I don't put a phone in his hand and insist he calls. Yet somehow I always end up being the bad guy anyways, so I don't think I'm going to bother with that anymore. It's his family...he can call them if he wants to (which he doesn't). For some reason I can't figure out, he will avoid them forever, never returning phone calls or speaking to them, because it is the only way he can have some control over his life. Because once they start talking to him, FIL starts trying to control his "puppet child" (aka my husband) and that never goes well. The reason my FIL hates me is because he can't control me like he does his son, I have flat out told him no to his face when he has given me an "order" to do something. I am an adult. I have no obligation to do anything that man tells me. He tries to hold an inheritance over our heads and threaten to write us out of his will, but he's full of crap. Not to mention, even if they do write us out of the will, so what? Life's too short for this crap.

I have had the conversation with both sets of parents that financial discussions are off limits. That has stopped precisely none of the comments from either set of parents. Guess that shows you how much respect they have for me, huh? I know that all this financial stress has made me touchier than normal about everything else, but I already had a very strained/complicated relationship with my mother and this has just made it 10 times worse again. My husband actually seriously wanted to move across the country (not an option at this time) to somewhere so far away that we don't have to deal with his family ever again. He is afraid to tell them no anytime he talks to them, and he thinks we (not just he, but we) are obligated to attend anything they tell us to. I say we are adults and we don't have to answer to them, just a no thanks is all that is needed. He said if we lived super far away we would never have to interact with them again, and that is why he wants to move. (Moving is not an option at this time.)

Anyways, financial troubles and family members don't mix well. I wish we could have avoided all family members on both sides even finding out about what was going on, but there's nothing we can do about it now. On the plus side, MIL is fairly supportive, my brother is supportive, and my father is supportive. Which is really the way it has always been. My FIL has always had trouble with my husband (and with me) and my mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. I guess I should expect no less. At least I always have my husband in this...he's in the same boat and he's no happier that it's sinking than I am.