Relationship get better or worse with partner?

[Kkole425]

I think I could knock my husbands head off right now! I hope this will get better once we file and a little of the stress is gone. Phone calls at least.
WILL IT?

[LuciluS]

Well, we've been dealing with Bankruptcy since middle of last Sept. My husband, who is an OTR Truck Driver, had no clue we were in serious financial trouble, until I set up a conference call on a Sat. with a Credit Counseling Company who told us he couldn't help. We needed to see a Bankruptcy Attorney. He did go with me to our first meeting with the Attorney.

Yes, it's been a bit stressful for him, although he is not mad at me. We've had several arguments about getting him to keep receipts while on the road. Plus, he was used to buying what he wanted, not was he needed. So, that's caused a few arguments, too.

Because he is usually (off the month of April due to hospitalization and recovery) gone Sun-Fri, I'm the one who has been doing all the researching and paperwork for our Bankruptcy.

When arguments start, I always through in the line 'Our Bankruptcy is a Business Decision' and that usually ceases the discussion.

I'm assuming you are the one having to do all the researching & paperwork - Right? And will be the one to open the new bank accounts? Ask at your new bank, if you can take the signature card home for him to sign and bring a copy of his driver's license.

I know the Burden is falling completely on Me, which I've come to accept. I find it's just easier on our relationship, IF I don't bring the subject up. Questions he needs to answer? I usually will write them down and ask him all at one time, instead of asking him question after question.

He said to me at Christmas, as long as he has Me, our Shih Tzu and our home (which we plan on keeping) as he likes where we live now, he will always be happy. I try to remember what he said when we have our little spats.

Luci

[Kkole425]

I am the one doing the hard work on the BK. I think my husband has just now got the fact we have to do this. He is not working right now which drives me nuts. I hold alot of blame which is so wrong I know because this is just as much my fault for being the wife who paid no matter to what was going on with the money. My husband sold his dental pratice last year and we moved to FL so he could slow down and that ended up costing us a extra $7000.00 a month on top of our normal expenses. I found out we had no money and we about to loose our house and moved home, borrowed the money to get my house out of trouble. Moved my husband home a week ago because it was even costing a ton of money with him there alone. I am making him answer the phone once in a while. He takes down their numbers and I think he still hopes in the back of his mind we will be able to pay this off. $200,000.00 noway!! I want to give the court everything and just walk away. I think I have been learning more and reading more stories and I don't want to walk away from this wishing I had done something different. One and only time to do this I will do it right!! With or without my husbands help.
Appointment tomorrow with the best BK attorney in our area we have been told. I hope I ask all the right questions. OK I am done now....

[queenfluff]

I am not making fun of your sitution but your first sentenance made me giggle. (what girl hasn't wanted to knock their partners head off once and a while though - I wanted to yesterday myself. )


Sounds like your husband is living in denial with a capitol D. And super stubborn. I am not married but I am doing my own bankruptcy and I live with my bf. So, the BK is my business not his but it still effects things a bit - becuase we both are unemployed and he (in my opinion) doesn't try hard to get a job. So, money is a problem. Actually, I have more money than he does and I am the one applying for BK. Weird eh?

I know the economy is bad for jobs but it sort of bothers me. Before I did this, I spent all my time job searching and now I have to wait until this is over to get a job. He is very lazy about it and picky about what job to get. He owes on an old student loan - he just ignores it and can't even pay his one cc at the end of the month. Before I was loaning him money to pay it but I can't anymore because of the BK (I don't want to anyhow). But my cc debts are three times as high as his (although, I made him at admit that at least 2/3 of the debt was spent on stuff that he should have chipped in on - like moving expenses - I had to pay for the whole thing - twice!)

Yep, it sucks to feel like you are in this all alone. I will say that he hasn't made a big deal out of my BK and he thinks I am filing at the right time and that I am doing the right thing and he found my lawyer for me. But still anything to do with money can turn people into monsters.

My advice to you would be to focus on the fact that you are doing this for YOU too - not just for the two of you as a couple. You are still an individual and the BK will reflect on not just you two as a couple but you alone. I often feel like I do all the work on anything myself in my relationship. Of course, (the partner) will never agreee with that - well, at least mine doesn't. So, just keep keeping on...think of how this will benefit YOU by yourself.

Good luck with the lawyer - often just meeting with the lawyer will take a huge load off. Make sure he goes with.

[BkinTX]

One of my biggest fears with all our financial problems was that it would destroy my marriage.

DH knew things were bad but he didn't care to know the details. We both liked to pretend things were not that bad and that we'd work our way out of it.

I would never open our online acct in front of him for fear he would see how much we really owed. I was terrified he would open a statement and find out.

I felt so burdened, scared, and alone.

Sharing the debts and the bk process with my DH has been so freeing. I no longer have to shoulder all the responsibility or all the blame. He could be a little more hands-on with the finances (admittedly, I am going a little overboard with the constant finance talk and financial planning) but his current level of involvement is him giving it his best, so I accept that.

One thing that has been very beneficial for us is looking at the bk as a positive step -- focusing on the good that can come from it, and most importantly, seeing it all with a sense of humor.

It's not fair for you to handle this on your own. I hope your partner realize that you need his support and assistance.

[OregonMom]

My husband and I have always had a strong relationship and I think the bankruptcy has made it stronger because we both took responsibility for this mess we are in, we didn't play the blame game, we each knew what was going on with the money. We both know it could be worse, we could be homeless and jobless like some of our family members have been this past year.

[tkharvey]

No doubt this is the most stressful time in our lives as a couple. Although we are both to blame for this mess (along with the economy that has directly impacted my husband's job), it's easy to start pointing fingers. I agree with previous posts that this COULD be a time to strengthen our relationship....but it's easy to get resentful and start finger pointing. I just don't EVER want to be in this place again. I hate it. At first, my husband was in total denial, thought we could work our way out of this (over 140K of credit card debt). He's having a hard time coming to grips with not honoring his "obligation" to our creditors.

[eddiep]

My husband took this so hard. He felt like a failure, that he had let us down. He quit his job because work had slowed down so much and couldn't find another job for three months. He had always been the one responsible for paying our debt, I was responsible for creating it! He had all the stress, I had all the fun. Not the best plan I now know! He literally had a nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide. He is 100% back to normal and the decision to file bk was actually a huge relief for him, we have no other options, we have to file. I have taken over the bill paying responsibilities and we still love and respect each other. The last 9 months have been difficult but we have been married for 18 wonderful years and we are stronger than ever.

[2xBK]

...The last 9 months have been difficult but we have been married for 18 wonderful years and we are stronger than ever.

I love that part!! Both of you and your marriage will be fine. Hang in there and remember that everything is going to just get better and better. So many relationships fail over money (mine did), but if you stick together you'll be so happy you did.

[eddiep]

Oh yeah! No question we are getting through this together, for better or worse. We are solemates.

[WillinVT]

I almost had a nervous breakdown before I told my wife about the excessive debt I had last year. Like always, I made it a bigger deal then it actually was. She knew I had a few cards, but she didn't know that I was close to $20,000 in debt.

At that time, I was looking into debt settlement or debt consolidation, but the more I looked into debt settlement, the more I was turned off by it. CCC looked at my income, mt debt and my expenses and on a 5 year plan, left me no money left over.

Fast forward to March and that is when I made the decision to file for bankruptcy. I told my wife that if we ever want to get out the place we are living now (nice apartment / bad neighborhood) and into a house, Bankruptcy was the way to go. At least this way, after we are discharged, we can save money each month for a down payment and in a few years, hopefully a bank will give us a loan.

My wife has been supportive and understanding, which I thank her for.

[Toby629]

DH and I have been married for over 30 yr. so we have weathered difficulties before. "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Every difficulty we have faced and come through definately has made our relationship stronger. We are dealing with this current situation as a team, and know we will get through this. As we are navigating through this process we talk about what we have learned and the changes and adjustments that need to be made. We both feel hopeful about the future even though this is not what we expected to have to deal with at this stage of our lives.

[Mi Bankruptcy]

I was responsible for making the money and the wife was responsible for paying the bills. She also got credit cards that saved us when vehicles broke. Needed fuel oil, propane new furnace..etc. she robbed peter to pay paul to keep us afloat for 2-3 years. It was interesting, I paid 90% of our bills online. I knew how much was going out. I would have to wait for her to tell me which bills to pay.

I had a pretty bad seizure and was incoherent and she asked me if I needed to go to the hospital. I shook my head 'no'. She said is it because it will cost us money( I have health insurance too). I apparently shook my head "yes".

I ended up in the hospital. I had researched debt consolidation & DMP and knew it was a bad situation. I did an analysis on a spreadsheet and "TOLD' my wife we were filing bankruptcy.

Granted..

My wife runs our house and is a strong woman. Luckily she lets me put my foot down every couple years. She told me her fears and concerns and I addressed them quickly finding our attorney and asking the attorney questions about her concerns. We are stronger. We saved our house and cars. My only concern is I want to do a budget together and she is reluctant and almost opposing me on doing this together. Our church is doing a free financial 7 budget seminar and she does not want to participate. She said I can go to the class and bring back the information.. Sighhh

I think I will end up writing a letter to her about my concerns, since this seems like a touchy subject and I get defensive to easy.